What seemed like forever...

I wave at them as I leave. I know I wont see most of them again. But is there a chance? No. I wont survive this. I wont see their faces again. Their smiles, laughs, silly inside jokes that I will never be a part of. Now I know how much I mean to them. Most cried. Others stood by, looking shaken. And then I got taken away. The ambulance drove without lights, or sirens, because they know it´ll be a while. A while before I´m gone. Dead.


1. The unwanted gift

I walked into the classroom. No one stirred, said hi, nothing. It was days like these, I wondered if people would ever change. They were all so innocent. Or, unknowing anyway. So stupid in one way. They had no idea. I hadn't told them yet. But why should I? Why should I worry them? What was the point. No one cared either way. Maybe. The pain was almost unbearable. The mental, and the physical. I knew only of a couple of friends in this small world. And they didn't know about the cancer either. Mom blamed herself. For not noticing that something was wrong sooner. I sometimes blamed her as well. But then I reminded myself that I didn't notice either. I only felt the pain. 

I found myself sitting in math beside Madeline and Zara. My best friends. I smiled at them as they attempted to mimic our teacher as he drooled on about something that we learned last year. Last year. It seemed like it was forever ago. Last year. No pain. No sorrow. No cancer. Well, not entirely true. I did have cancer last year. I just had no idea. I pictured how sad and disappointed Madeline and Zara would be. They'd be angry. They'd feel betrayed. I slowly closed my eyes. Disaster. Pain. And only more pain.

I knew it, in the moment the doctor walked in. I knew he was handing me my death. I could see it in his eyes. Of course it hadn't gone well. It was karma getting me at it's finest. Five months until I die. I felt strangely calm, considering everything. I guess I understand how people can except death now. Suffer long or just except it. Five months. Five. Five months until I am put out of my pain and misery. Five months to say goodbye. 

I guess I should have started sooner. 

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