Thoughts of MY life ..



Sometimes I wonder why I even am where I am at .. I wonder why God put me in the situations of my life .. I wonder how I will go throughout the problems I have .. The problems of being judged for everything I do .. And not being able to be myself just because 'I have to keep a good image' ... Sometimes I get scared and wonder ' Who I really am' .. I think that my life is a nightmare sometimes all because I feel lonely .. I don't get bullied or anything .. It's just that in my heart I feel lonely .. But in real life I have my parents and my brother my friends .. It seems like I have a 'perfect' life but in the inside I'm alone .. My mom works almost everyday and when she doesn't she is doing errands .. My dad isn't really that close with me and when we usually start a conversation we end up in a screaming fight .. My brother is 2 years younger than me we have a brotherly sisterly bond but he can be annoying .. My friends I don't even know if they are my real friends or if they are just using me .. I wonder if I will ever get a boyfriend .. Or am I just to ugly ? .. Or am I too fat ? Or too short ? Or because I have pimples ? Or braces ? Or glasses ? I don't know why I'm shy around boys or even people I don't know or have known for a long time !! I don't understand why people want to change me into someone I'm not !! I'm not popular but I have friends I have people to talk too .. But I don't trust them .. My problem is I don't trust people and I don't think I ever will .. Around my family and family friends I have to act like I am popular at school and I am girly and have had boys ask me out .. Just so I won't embarrass my family .. At school I know that I can't ever be myself or I would never have friends .. I have to act like I actually care about my friends relationship problems they ask for advise but I haven't even had 1 boyfriend .. The boy I like he doesn't even look my way he doesn't talk to me .. I have fat I mean fat thighs I am self conscious I weight 116 pounds and I'm just 13 years old and I am 4'8 too short for my age and weight .. I sometimes cry myself to sleep thinking ' why am I not me ?' My friends are mean they bully girls and I just stand there watching it all occur ... Because if I do something my friends won't be my friends anymore .. And I won't have anything .. I'll be a loner .. I really want to stop them .. But I can't ..

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