Harry Moffer & the Dumbest Story Ever

The story is nothing more than a full-on parody of the Harry Potter books, but this time, all references to magic are removed and replaced with nothing more than blatant realism. 14-year-old Harry Hames Moffer is an orphan living with his paranoid relatives when he is invited to attend Warthogpox High School. Harry meets Pun Teasley and Hildegarde Lamer, and they investigate the unpopular Larry Dobber books, which Hollyword could turn into a movie if they don't act fast.


19. Chapter 16: Well, This Story Sucks, but at Least It's Better Than the Alternative

We now go back to Harry, Pun, and Hildegarde, who are still in the detention room. It had been a few hours since their crimes were exposed to the entire school. Anyone who didn't know about the rule breaking and the incident in the Sand Dunes soon found out.

Harry said, "Well, this is bad. I don't know how we got this far, but I don't like it."

"I agree," said Hildegarde. "How did we get ourselves into this situation?"

"I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger, and then it hit me," Pun muttered. Ever since last night's incident at the Third Building, he had begun repeating every pun that he knew.

"Pun, don't you ever get tired of saying puns?" Hildegarde cried out in frustration.

To that, Pun replied, "A day without wordplay is a day without punshine."

"Yeah," said Harry. "He's cracked. He's been like that since he took that arrow to the knee."

"Why did Jill have to shoot him?" Hildegarde cried out. "She may be the best sharpshooter in the school, but that doesn't mean that she has to prove it."

"I used to have long hair before Jill swung her sword at me," said Pun. The others stared at him. "It won't be long now."

"Indeed," said Hildegarde. "But my mom wasn't too happy when she found out that Snibblepore was behind the accident. She was a huge fan of Gourd Maldycart when he was a great magician. She was angry when I told her that he is now Professor Dibble, the history teacher."

"Interesting," said Pun. "I must add that Professor Dibble was once arrested for impersonating that guy from Signfield."

"What was his crime?" Harry perked up, curiously.

"Playgerism," said Pun.

They all laughed as the door opened. Professor Pate and Professor Quinnell walked into the room, with Professor Pate saying, "You three have caused an insane amount of trouble since you first walked through the door of this school. I cannot believe that you exposed a lot of things to the entire community. Why can't you be like everyone else?"

Pun responded by saying, "School is like fudge: sweet with a few nuts. And Mr. Silch is the king of the nuts."

"How so," said Professor Quinnell.

"Mr. Silch pushed us into the Sand Dunes because we weren't fitting in," said Pun. "Without nuts, brownies don't taste as good."

"I see," said Professor Pate. "But now your homeroom teacher is contacting your parents and you will all be sent home for the rest of the week. I expect you all to be in classes come next Monday."

"And you all have essays that are overdue," said Professor Quinnell. "I would suggest that you all get to work on them immediately."

"That will do," said Professor MacFordlepad. "School is back in session. I'll be dealing with them."

Professor Pate and Professor Quinnell nodded as they left the room. At the same time, Pun cried out, "What's the speed of dark?"

"Ignore him," said Hildegarde. "He's a few sandwiches short of a picnic."

"Indeed," said Professor MacFordlepad. "I have more important things to discuss with you, mainly about your punishment for breaking several school rules. You were told not to go into the Sand Dunes, am I right?"

"Well, Mr. Silch pushed us into the Sand Dunes," Pun protested. "Someone really needs to turn the OFF button on his anger."

"And there is the manner of you being in the Third Building after you were told not to go there," Professor MacFordlepad continued.

"I blame Jill for that," said Harry.

"She shot me with an arrow and insulted Hildegarde," said Pun.

"Well, be that as it may, and I will be questioning her for that, but you did break several rules and so, you will be punished," said Professor MacFordlepad. "You will spend one week out of school and then you will serve detention three times a week for six weeks. Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes, ma'am," the children nodded.

"Very well," said Professor MacFordlepad. "Now, I have some parents to contact, so you will sit in the headmaster's office until they come to get you."

She led the kids out of the room and straight to the front office. Along the way, they chanced to see Professor Dibble packing his bags and emptying out his classroom. "Wom, what are you doing?" Professor MacFordlepad cried out.

"I'm leaving," said Professor Dibble as he continued stacking boxes by the door. "The kids all gave me some serious Hell for being Gourd Maldycart. I'm going to find another school, one that has students minding their own business and actually getting an education. The kids here at this school aren't really worth my time. I would rather die than spend another minute with these horrid miscreants."

"Well, I'm sorry if you feel this way, Wom," said Professor MacFordlepad. "I do hope that you consider reconsidering your decision to leave and remain here."

"I'm serious, Athira," said Professor Dibble. "I don't want to remain here a minute longer. My life as a teacher is over. My wife is coming here to collect my things and we are out of here."

With that, a short fat woman entered the building. Professor Dibble turned to her and said, "Ganina, be a dear and take these boxes to the car, would you? Much obliged." Ganina Dibble turned and gave Harry an angry glare. Harry knew that the Dibble family wasn't finished with him. Not yet, at least.

"Well, isn't this nice," Hildegarde said to Harry as Mrs. Dibble left the building with a huge stack of boxes. "Nobody really likes you and yet, they call you a hero."

"That's a bunch of camel's noses!" Pun cried out.

"I guess this is nothing but déjà poo," said Harry. "It's like they all went through this crap before. Now we're just stirring it up again."

Little did they know that Harry was right; whatever troubles that the students and the teachers at Warthogpox High had went through years earlier was now starting up again...

Needless to say, though, the Lamers and Teasleys were angry with Professor Snibblepore when Hildegarde and Pun told them about the suspensions. The MacLean family, however, were quite indifferent to the whole thing. To them, Harry was just a normal boy who ran afoul of the dark side of the school.

Harry himself could care less about being suspended from Warthogpox High, as he had more important things to worry about. Such as the mystery about his parents' deaths, Professor Snibblepore's involvement in it, the death of Jill's grandfather, and the true identity of Wom Dibble, f.k.a. Gourd Maldycart.

Harry picked up a pen and began to write the first words of what would be the worst-selling children's book series that the world would be forced to read despite their objections: "Warthogpox High School was the worst school in the city of Wyvernwing, and Harry Hames Moffer was its most infamous student."

The end...for now.

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