Harry Moffer & the Dumbest Story Ever

The story is nothing more than a full-on parody of the Harry Potter books, but this time, all references to magic are removed and replaced with nothing more than blatant realism. 14-year-old Harry Hames Moffer is an orphan living with his paranoid relatives when he is invited to attend Warthogpox High School. Harry meets Pun Teasley and Hildegarde Lamer, and they investigate the unpopular Larry Dobber books, which Hollyword could turn into a movie if they don't act fast.


4. Chapter 1: The Insignificant Boy

Mr. and Mrs. Dourfey of Number 4, Paravet Drive (which was located in the neighborhood of Ilva) can tell you right now that they are glad that they were normal.

Normal and boring, that was.

As in, there was nothing that was out of the ordinary in their neighborhood at all.

In fact, their normal neighborhood was located in a normal town. The town was large, located near the coast, and looked old. It was well-known for its beautiful parks and for being the home of a famous poet.

The city was called Branford, Coggnetigut, and it was some miles away from Harftord, the capital. The Dourfeys lived in a large house that had a rustic look to it and in average condition. The interior was done in cool colors. The yard was enormous and resembled a meadow.

The Dourfeys were obsessed with how normal their neighborhood was and how normal their neighbors were, almost to the point of insanity. If there was something or someone who was not fitting with their idea of "normal", they would crush that thing or person without so much as giving them a chance to sue for mercy. This was kind of a bad thing, as far as they knew.

Even worse, they named their first (and only) son Dillon. Like who names their kid Dillon in this day and age, anyway? When last we checked, Dillon was an old-fashioned name, and old-fashioned meant somewhere in the 1930s, when that name was acceptable for a child. How and why they named the kid Dillon, we will never know. (Not that we would actually care about that, but that's another story altogether.)

Dillon Dourfey was the fattest, ugliest, and the most despicable boy in the entire neighborhood. No kid wanted to play with him and any decent adult went out of their way to avoid Mr. and Mrs. Dourfey if at all possible, from avoiding eye contact with them at the grocery store to giving them a permanent seat in the back row at the local church. In fact, no one wanted to be caught dead with the Dourfeys, if it could be helped.

To be fair, we can describe the Dourfeys as blond, blue-eyed, having white skin and being grotesquely fat. They remind you of someone you may know who was just ignorant and selfish, because that is what the Dourfeys are.

Dillon Dourfey spent most of his days playing with his video games while sitting on the couch. Mrs. Primitia Dourfey spent her days eavesdropping on the neighbors, who were spreading vicious rumors about how "abnormal" the Dourfeys were. (Well, Mr. and Mrs. Dourfey had refused to allow their son to do anything that required running or jumping or anything of the sort, and Dillon was content to play his video games anyway.) Mr. Vilmon Dourfey spent his days working in an office, despite the fact that his co-workers thought that he was "abnormal" because he was fatter than the average hippo and he seemed to treat them all like they were little more than an unwanted rat in a barn cellar.

Well, like most of the entire neighborhood, the Dourfeys had a dirty little secret, one that (if revealed to the neighbors and most of society) could literally destroy them and expose them for the abnormal freaks that they truly were.

As we all know, Primitia Dourfey had a sister named Linny Avens, who married a man named Hames Moffer. They had a son named Harry. Linny and Primitia weren't very close, and they went out of their way to avoid each other as they could. In fact, Linny was everything that Primitia was not, which was proud, pretty, and liking everything that was not "normal". Her husband, Hames, was of the same mind. Neither of them wanted to have anything to do with Primitia or her husband or son at all.

Well, one night, all of that was changed forever.

Harry Hames Moffer had been living with the Dourfeys for a good part of his 14 years; his parents were killed in a car accident when he was still a little boy. Some very unwise stranger had made the dumb decision to put the boy in the care of the Dourfeys instead of finding a real foster home for him, or at least kept him away from the Dourfey family. That stranger had falsely assumed that the Dourfeys, or maybe Primitia Dourfey, would be willing to take care of Harry.

Whoever it was who sent Harry to live with the Dourfeys, we will find out later in this story. (And we won't like it when we found out who had done that!)

For the next 13 years, Harry Moffer was nothing more than a thorn in his uncle and aunt's sides. He had no interest in being "normal"; in fact, he was the opposite of what the Dourfeys considered "normal". He believed that sitting on the couch and staring at the television was nothing more than a waste of time when that time could have been wisely spent reading books.

In short, Harry Hames Moffer was what we most commonly assumed to be a nerd.

To be fair, we can describe him as a clueless boy who had very short hair, which would probably look much better on a girl than on him. He had normal brown eyes, normal brown hair, and normal pale skin. There was one distinguishing feature that he happened to have, which was a scar on his head that was in a shape of a messed-up C, which was located under his right eye. Harry was very sensitive about that unsightly dark mark on his face, and he took great pains to avoid eye contact with the people that he happened to meet as often as he could, knowing that they could see his scar and make some unkind comments about him.

Anyway, to sum this all up, there is nothing remotely special about Harry Moffer at all. Little did he know that within the next few weeks, his "normal" life was about to get exciting...

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