Change Happens


4. Supposed Change

I cannot remember when it all began. One day I woke up and the thoughts were there, that's how it seems. I don't recollect feeling any differently. That makes it hard to change. I don't know where I should start as I don't know where it did start.

Personally I believe that learning about weight and health problems in my third year of high school had effects upon me and the way my brain wired itself. I think it was some high-tech psychological connection made subconsciously. If not then maybe it was part of my destiny as Emillie Zvetlanka would say. Written in the stars. Unchangeable.

From the time I noticed a change in my perspective on life and other people, I have lived in confusion. I know what is right, what reality should be but inside I feel different and sense is non existent. It's as though everything I do is wrong and I hate myself for it, even though to everyone else it is right!

Lori was the first to comment on the way I was or how I had apparently changed. And she only noticed because she hadn't seen me for eight weeks since being at Warwick University to begin her history degree. She thought I looked different, skinnier and more depressed. I'm sure she has taken lessons in reading body language. I don't look any different, I'm fatter, not slimmer, if anything.

As soon as Lori mentioned my appearance Mum became fussy and protective. I pushed away her attempt to console me and give me a couple of sweet treats, things I adored like cream slices and éclairs. I couldn't eat them, they were ridden with fat and calories. Talia ate them instead. Lucky girl. She didn't know what it was to hate yourself so much that you restricted yourself from treats and things you should have been able to enjoy.

Now I'm having to hide in my room so Lori can't accost me again and make out that there's a problem when there obviously isn't one. Well, that's how I felt.

Everything was so overwhelming. I controlled all of my actions but sometimes it felt like I had no choice. I had to do four minutes of shoulder stand cycling and four minutes of sit ups plus reading and cycling and walking round lots whilst eating as little as possible. I had to have control over everything I did. And I had to achieve perfection.

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