What we leave behind

Did you ever think about doing suicide?

I did.

Did you ever try to kill yourself?

I did too.

Actually you need to emphasize the "try" because when I wanted to jump he appeared.
Sam Miller. And suddenly my life seems so much more complicated but at the same time so much more enjoyable.

But I´ll never get over that one day...the day that changed everything and I know that I´ll destroy what Sam and I have...or not.


2. Sam Miller

Sam Miller


Beth, my only but best friend, had said a few months ago that I should think of something different. She called it 'Sending your spirit away´. Usually you use it when you are freezing but she thought that it would work with everything.
 So my body was in my room on my bed, my spirit though was at my grandma´s house in Minesota where I would have the best Christmas every year. My Mom and Dad were there and Rey and Jasper and Rob, latest was my secret crush since Freshman. He was so adoringly.

He never was against me but he also didn´t stand behind me. He let his mouth shut. Actually I wouldn´t want him there. I was the one they hated not him. I didn´t think that he knew that I had a bad crush on him.  My cellphone buzzed. I got a text message. Probably from Beth. Excluding Mum, Dad and Rey she was the only contact I had.

Hey! How are you? NNT. B

She didn´t know about my threat to end my life, though, I think she knew something was wrong with me. She never said a word.

What´s up? I wrote back.  Seconds later I got the reply.
 Gonna call. 

Beth was the total opposite of me. My phone rang. Lady in Black. I couldn´t stand happy music but Beth was the sun in person and the singer sang: 'There´s no sunshine when she goes...´ Emphasize 'sunshine´ and leave the 'no´ out...

"Hey!", Beth shrieked in her cellphone causing my ears to hurt. "Hey.", I mumbled back.
 "You know what?", she asked excited.
 "No. Not any idea.", I said as cheerily as I could.
 "You know. Four years ago there was this Sam Miller at our school. You know - the one good-looking that always seemed to be in his thoughts and had that dark aura around him?" I nodded in silence though I couldn´t remember the dark aura what could have been because of the fact that mine was soo much darker than his...than every ones. I rolled to my feet, suddenly interested.
 "Guess what.", she went on. Oh, I already knew...
 "He gonna be at our school.", I said. My voice was growing higher by panic. Holy shit. I was going to be death. Why couldn´t he just let me jump? Or push me himself? Sorrow came up my throat and I felt anger spread through my body. Now I was going to die a slow and painful death full of humiliation. This was going to be so awkward...and humiliating...and...well interesting?


Next day for school I wore a too big sweater from Rey, Skinny Jeans and my boots. It was decent. The last thing I wanted was to sting out. Rey drove me to school in his new shiny Mercedes I sometimes really was jealous about. "Watch out.", he said as I opened the door. Rey was an awesome great brother. He also was the only knowing of my suicidal problem...you could say so. I had given him a tight hug before I actually had wanted to vanish. He always cared about me. Like always.  "Bye, Rey!", I called over my shoulder and then headed for the entrance of the building. He had been rather surprised by seeing me again yesterday evening. Entering the school I kept looking over my shoulder. I didn´t want to walk over Sam. I reached my locker only being called Fatabella, the name my fellow students invented extra for me. Weren´t they creative? But that meant no harm anymore.
 Beth´s locker was next to mine and she leaned against hers tapping her foot impatiently.

"Would you please walk a bit faster, Izzy? Sam is having Biology with us." She sounded so excited. My heart sank, though. Beth wanted to sit next to me but I refused so the only free place was next to me. I didn´t want her to get involved. Somehow the whole school was calling me stupid names but there was something none of them knew. It was mine and their secret. I took my notice pad and my Biology book from my locker and shut it close with a steelern bang. Beth pulled me after her not able to wait for me to walk. Every girl in school seemed to speak about Sam Miller. As we reached the classroom I took my seat in the back. I let my brown hair fall into my face. The teacher called the class for silence. I bit my lower lip.

"We have a new pupil this year. Sam Miller. Please, tell us something about you, Sam.", Mrs. Darabont said. Sam was standing next to her the whole time and now he took a step forward. "Hey there. I am Sam. I lived here before so you all probably know me, but guys you have changed a lot. Especially Isabel Newton." There his voice got harsh and thoughtful. Heat crawled up my neck, slowly reaching my cheeks.

"Really? Fatabella?!", Jessica shrieked. She was the girlfriend of my crush Rob Fries who sat next to her one arm around her shoulder. That picture really would made my heart bleed if they wouldn´t have stabbed it, turned the stagger around, put it out of my corsp and then walked over it in Pumps. Sam shot her a warning look.

"Interesting.", I heard Mrs. Darabont say. "Would you please take a seat next to Isabel?" She pointed on me. My heart started soundly pounding in my chest.

Sam placed himself on the chair next to mine. I desperately look away. SHIT! I mean, I knew this would happen but couldn´t he have stayed where he had been the last three years? His Dad was a doctor and his Step mum a psych. Why sould they want to live in an suburban town as ours when they could work like everywhere? There were many more persons as me out there.

He tapped my shoulder. I ignored him. This was routine for our Biology class. I was so bothered by ignoring him that I didn´t get anything of the biological things Mrs. Darabont said. I would need to copy Beth´s notes after school. The bell rang. I jumped up and wanted to get out as fast as I could. "Isabel!", Sam yelled after me. All faces in the front turned around to watch Sam and me in the back. I stopped dead in my track. He closed up the distance between us and circled me so that he could stand in front of me. Crossing his arms over his chest he watched me curious. "What do you want?", I hissed. An amused smirk lifted the corners of his mouth and I wished I could disappear right now. 

My face got blank. Did I really want to hear his mocking words? The words to finally make me jump? Was I going to be able to do this without crying? This moment was just perfect. He could bring me down in front of everyone. I ran past him, out of this classroom, out of the school and then took a seat on the stairs of the tribune of the football stadion.

Tears spread in my eyes. I couldn´t think clearly. My thoughts circled in my head. All the time they bullied me...My heart pounded too fast and too loud. 'Fatabella´ I cringed.

'Look how ugly she is!´ I sobbed loudly.

'Do you see her hair?!´ I started trembling.

Every beat, every push was played over and over again in my mind. I curled myself into a small ball and lay my cheek on the cold stone floor. I didn´t know how long I was lying like this. Five minutes? One hour? Two hours? I didn´t care.

It was too cold here and I started shivering but my jacket still was in my locker.

"You can have mine.", a voice called from behind me. I didn´t bother.  I should, though, shouldn´t I?
 I didn´t move. I wanted him to go away.

"Piss off, Sam!", I yelled in his direction. he groaned loudly. "Come on, Isabel. Beth wanted me to help her searching because Lunch started ten minutes ago. She was worried about you." I bit my tongue. Beth. She was so sweet. Most of the time she was my pseudo - mother. She actually cared more than my Mom did, what wasn´t a great challenge, though. Now it was my time to groan. I heard stiffled laughter from behind. My rage grew inside.

"Don´t you need to hang out with popular kids?", I mumbled. His chuckling stopped. He lay one hand on my shoulder. "Why should I?", he asked puzzled.
 "Because you hung out with them before you went.", I suddenly remembered. I´d put the memories from that time from my mind. They were too painful, too innocent. And why should I remember times that would never come again? That would be abuse of time.

"Perhaps I want to hang out with you.", he replied. I groaned. He must think I was a pig by then. "I don´t need your concern, Sam Miller! Go away and leave me alone!" His hand disappeared.

"Oh! And Sam?" I sat up an evil grin on my lips.  "If you´re telling Beth anything...I gonna kill you by giving you adrenaline and cutting your limbs off - one by one!", I yelled after him. I thought, I could still hear his laughter as he walked away. I threaded to kill him slowly and painful...and he? He is laughing! What´s wrong with this guy?


I hadn´t planned to go eating but not much after my...talk with Sam I got really hungry so I started walking to our cafeteria.

Why would a guy like Sam Miller like to hang out with me? With Beth? I would understand. She was tall with long blonde hair and excited blue eyes. On top of that she was fairy-like and had the body of a dancer. She was perfect.

I, though, had naturally brown hair with a high tendency towards red and freckles around my nose. My eyes couldn´t decide whether to be green or grey. Neither I was tall. My 5´0 feet could be counted as normal. I couldn´t dance. Oh and most important was that I wasn´t as thin as Beth. I weighed 113 pounds. My Mom said that that is normal but I am still more mature than others.

"Hey!", Beth screamed as she sighted me at the end of the queue. I smiled at her but she was talking to Sam again who´s gaze followed my every movement. I bought a slice of Pizza and a Coke. I payed and took the light red tablet with my food on it and then started walking towards Beth and our table. I gasped surprised as one of Jessicas minions got in my way and built herself up in front of me. My pizza got clued to my t-shirt as I tried to avoid crashing into her. I didn´t say anything. I stood before her and stared into her pale-green eyes.

An evil grin lifted her mouth up. "Where´ve you been the last couple of hours? I haven´t seen you around. Did anyone of you see Fatabella?" If she knew how much her words stung. All of her cheerleader-friends shook their head.  "OMG. I think she cried her eyes out on the toilette." And then she started laughing. Not only she did, though. Everyone else did, too.

My face went blank, my heart, though, shattered in thousands of splinters.  How often could one heart get broken?
 How often would I need to fix it again?

My gaze fell on Beth. Her eyes were wide by shock. Sam on the other hand was brooding. He looked startled at first. His expression changed and he got angry. He stood up and pushed his way through the crowded room. Crossing his arms over his chest, he built up behind Annabella. I narrowed my eyes at him and she seemed to notice his presence. Her evil grin fell from her face and left it totally blank. That had been be the first and only time we looked the same. She turned around. No one laughed anymore except those who hadn´t gotten the message - most of them her friends. Her neck grew red and she stumbled backwards.
 "Oh.", she made. Sam said nothing. I must confess that he looked quite intimidating and bad.
 "I guess I am sorry?", she asked. He raised one eyebrow. She stumbled against me and turned around to say  something harsh. But she closed it again and walked wordless past me. I didn´t know what to say so I said nothing and walked towards Beth. Her mouth was opened in shock. Her eyes showed pain and her cheeks were red by anger, I suppose. I let my tablet fall on the table and removed the slice of Pizza from my shirt. I watched it suspiciously only to throw it on the red tablet again.


The rest of the day was easy. Nobody called me stupid names after Sams show. I didn´t know what to think about it. I walked through the hallways without getting humiliated or something when I walked through but I didn´t bother.


I stood on the parking lot waiting for my brother Rey to show up. Beth left five minutes ago and Sam...I didn´t care. He confused me by every action he did or by the things he didn´t do. I stood by the entrance and clutched my jacket tight around my torso because of the cold October wind that had been blowing the whole day already. I saw two other pupils on the parking lot. They were talking and walking in my direction. I shoved my hands in the pockets of my jacket and took a step back.

"Fatabella!" I ignored the speaker. They came nearer by every second. My heart ached in my chest. Both built up in front of me. Both were so much taller than I was. And: I was alone.

"How can your ugly face still show up here? Aren´t you too fat too fat to go to school yet?", said one and the other one laughed hard. I closed my eyes. My breath got faster by seconds. If I wanted to keep my facade, I would need to calm down - quickly! I held my breath for a few seconds and let it stream out of my lungs then. I eyed my attackers. For me they totally looked the same. Probably my mind played tricks on me but they looked like demons to me. Something awful ugly and cruel.

One of them was taller. He also was the one taking another step forward so that I needed to back up. He grimaced and I realized that he was smiling. A toothy grin that made my blood freeze in my veins. His face neared mine and I could smell his breath. It was disgusting. My stomach turned around and I swallowed  nosily to hold it back. His grin grew wider if it was even possible. I didn´t close my eyes. I didn´t say anything. I let him play his stupid game even if I never was able to win. He pushed me against the wall behind me. A sharp pain flooded my back and I clenched my teeth together. Unnecessary to say that they always were the same. He pulled me from the wall and his closed hand landed in my face. The bitter taste of blood in my mouth made shivers run down my spine. I shut my eyes close as tight as I could. the taller one pushed me to my other personal devil on earth. my feet flew over the ground and I nearly lost my balance but the guy lay one big hand around my upper arm so that I wouldn´t go to ground. His fist met my left eye. The pain shot through my veins was sickening and made my adrenaline rush.

Here were my senses. There was the pain.
 The sense of surviving.

Automatically my body stiffened, though I didn´t want it to do so. The next moment a knee was hit so hard in my stomach that I started coughing and choking. A  warm liquid flew down my chin and i immediately knew that it was blood. It happened before. Sometimes, when they´d beat me up, they´d hit so hard i would start coughing blood.

The scars and bruises were so much worse.  So much more conspicuous. I always needed to put make-up on them so nobody would notice.

By this time I couldn´t difference which one hit me. It was a blur of pain and comfort. Comfort because I could still feel something.


They were gone. I was on the wet floor. They never beated the life out of me but they did it regularly. I should suffer and I deserved it. I was ugly and I was a nerd and I didn´t go with trends and...it was all my fault. But between my thoughts, the pain and the guilt. I slowly drowned in dark blue water that had exact the same color of Sam Millers ocean blue eyes.

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