In The Depths

Loneliness is like a deep dark void, with nowhere to go and nowhere to hide. As much as I try, I just get deeper into the depths of loneliness, and into the depths of my soul. I just want to get out. I don't deserve this.


6. Turn of Events

It’s ten o’clock sharp. The bright moon is out, making a beautiful light reflect against the pitch black sky. I would love to breathe it all in, savor the wonderfulness of Mother Nature herself, but I’m standing in front of an apartment with booze practically pouring out the windows.

So, Will’s party is now, right now, and I’m hesitant to go in. I know I’m probably late, but I don’t really care, being I hate parties. I decided to dress casual. By the end of tonight my clothes will be soaked with liquor, maybe vomit, and I am praying not urine.

“Alright,” I whisper to myself, staring at the front door. “You walk in, mingle, get a drink or two, and then get that ass out. No sleeping over. No getting any kind of STD.” I mentally ready myself, and finally, walk in.

I immediately see a cluster of people, mostly young like me, all huddled up together, swaying to faint music. It isn’t how I imagine it exactly, but obviously the party has just begun. There are red cups with alcohol, yes, but no drunken people passed out on the floor with various genitals scribbled on their faces with a sharpie… yet. I spot Harry among the crowd of people, and slowly walk over.

“Harry,” I quietly say, tapping on his shoulder. He resumes talking to some girl. “Harry.”

Harry turns around, and beams when he sees me. “Louis!” He pats me on the back, and pushes me forward a bit. “Louis, let me introduce you.” He points to a tall brunette girl who is holding a water bottle. She looks nice, like a stereotypical college brunette who would be a straight A student. “This is Jenny, my good friend,” he says, followed by her waving to me and saying, “Hey Louis.”

“Hi,” I say.

“Oh, well, she’s all I know,” Harry laughs and takes a sip of his beer. I notice that his flannel is unbuttoned at the top, allowing some skin to show. Two birds sip atop his chest bone in ink, and I find myself curious to know the meaning, but don’t ask.

“Alright, then.” I look around. “Where’s Will?”

“Who knows?” Harry says.

“Um,” I look down at my feet and lick my lips. A loud boom makes my head jerk right back up.

Will is standing on a chair, with a speaker cradled in one of his arms, and a beer in the other. I, along with the people who aren’t busy mingling, look up towards him. His blonde hair sits in a mop on his head, fringing across his sweaty forehead. He looks mildly drunk, but not too drunk. I roll my eyes and can tell he’ll be at the very top of the drunkenness levels in a few minutes.

“Who’s having good time!?” Will yells, making a high pitched and unexplained noise. Only one person hollers, because the rest of us aren’t exactly having a good time.

“Well,” Will breaths, setting the speaker down. “You’re about too!” The speaker starts booming out a bass dropping beat, but soon transitions into a screeching sound. We all wince and hold our ears. I see Harry give Will a thumbs down.

Some dude with a goatee yells out, “How ‘bout a game, William?”

“Two things,” Will says, after a sip of his beer. “One, only mum and dad call me William. Two, ok. We’ll play uh… anyone?”

“Spin the bottle!” Jenny yells. She doesn’t seem like the one to play those games, but it’s not like I know her.

“Eh.. okay!” Will jumps off of his chair, followed by him landing on his butt and the chair landing on its butt. He curses and stands back up. “Get in a circle, kids.”

We all mutter things to each other and sit in the circle. To be quite honest, I’m nervous. The bottle will land on a girl, and I do not want to kiss a girl. If it does land on a boy, they will just spin again. I’ll be too nervous to say anything about my sexuality anyway. So, I’ll be forced to kiss a girl, probably some stranger to make it all worse.

Somebody put their empty beer bottle in the middle of us, and we all just stare at each other. Will sighs. “You guys! This party is supposed to be fun! Don’t sit there like a bunch of sociopaths.”

I am a sociopath,” I whisper. Harry, who is sitting with his legs outstretched next to me, giggles.  It’s the cutest freaking thing ever. If I was to kiss anybody today, it would be Harry. But wouldn’t that be rushing into things? Maybe it would be better to just wait it out; don’t kiss anybody.

“I’ll spin it first,” says some guy with piercings all over his face. “Since all of you are chickens.” God, people here act like they are in freaking sixth grade.

As the bottle spins, a girl next to him says, “I doubt anybody would want to kiss you, Dave. They would pierce their lip.” Dave snorts and rolls his eyes, leaning over. Oh joy, the bottle lands on the girl next to him. Everybody laughs, including me. Not that I’m having a good time or anything, the concept it just particularly funny.

Their kiss is short, and not sweet. As they pull away, making disgusted faces, I think. I think about how no kiss should ever be like that. No kiss should be merely touching of lips, no. Kissing should be an emotional and romantic experience. It should be something made with dedication, with true liking to the one being kissed. Now this game, spin the bottle, is stupid. Nobody should be kissed just to be kissed. It should actually mean something.

“Harry,” Dave said, wiping his pierced lips. “Spin the bottle.”

Not good. Nope. Harry’s going to kiss some girl and leave me sitting here, watching my man crush smooch some feminine. I won’t be able to do anything but watch. And what if he lands on me? Well, he’ll have to spin again. And, like I said, kisses must mean something, not just a reaction to the bottle stopping.

I hate parties.

“Alright, Dave,” Harry groans and laughs in one, then spins. I know this is cheesy, but time seems to slow as the bottle spins. It is no longer a blur of brown plastic, but it is like Cupid’s arrow, aiming at the nearest victim. The spinning getting slower, and slower, until it suddenly lands on nobody other than…


I automatically feel my face go red. I open my mouth to speak, but can’t. I have to kiss Harry, but I don’t want to, but I really want to.

“S-spin again!” I blurt out, shivering. “He’s a guy, so uh… I uh… he..” I swallow thickly. “Spin.”

Harry stares at me for a second. His green eyes feel like they are searching for my inner thoughts and emotions, not just looking at my physical self. His long fingers stay where they are, not moving towards the bottle. He begins to speak, “You see, Louis, I do not need to spin again.”

I feel my breaths deepening. “Why?” I squeak.

“Because!” Jenny interrupts. “Harry is totally gay.”

And at this moment, it feels like all the puzzle pieces have collided. My crush, who I thought was straight, is actually a homosexual. A beautiful, tall, handsome, sweet, hunky homosexual, who I am super attracted to.

And I have to kiss him.

“C’mon Louis,” Harry smiles at me and edges closer. “It’s just one kiss.” His smooth hand reaches towards mine, lamely making an attempt to cover it.


So in a matter of seconds, his perfectly plump lips are making their way towards mine, and my heart is beating, and my palms are sweaty, and I’m so ready to kiss him.

And I can’t bring myself to do it, so I don’t.

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