Change My Mind

I don’t know if I’ll ever love someone as great as Harry so that’s why I never want to forget this feeling. That’s why I’m scared of moving on. I don’t want to forget what it feels like to be in love with Harry Styles, especially the feeling I got when Harry Styles used to love me back.


130. Support

Harry's POV

"When do you and Lily plan on coming over for Christmas?"

I look up at my mum, her question completely catching me off guard.

", I...I'm not sure," I stutter. "We haven't talked about it yet."

My mum's face falls slightly, surely taking in my sudden change of mood. Her, Robin and I had just been talking about Robin's work as we sit here at this restaurant, waiting for our food.

"Oh, I'm sorry," my mum replies softly. "Silly me. It's not even November and I'm already talking about Christmas."

I know she's only playing the subject off lightly since Robin isn't aware of what's happened between Lily and I.

I give her a small smile and nod. "It's okay. I'll...I'll talk about it with Lily when I see her next and we'll plan it all out."

She shoots me an apologetic and sympathetic smile.

I look down at my phone, pretending to be busy with it to hide any signs of how the mention of Lily's name affected me. I could barely sleep last night, even though my body was tired from the show yesterday and then all the travelling I did before I arrived at my mum's house early in the morning.

My body was tired but my brain couldn't stop thinking about her last night. Throughout this entire day that I spent with my mum and Robin, hoping that it would help take my mind off of her, everything just brought me back to thoughts about Lily.

When I woke up, the first thing I smelled was her perfume on Marshmallow. For a second, I had thought that she was beside me, that her wanting a break was just part of a sick dream, a nightmare really.

However, when I had opened my eyes, she wasn't there. But when I looked over at Marshmallow, all I could think about was the night that she had given it to me, the night that she flew all the way to Peru just to talk through our issues. I remembered all the times she would hug him against her chest, and even the times I would pretend to be jealous of him because I wanted to be the one she would hold.

Everywhere I went today, it somehow managed to remind me of her. It's not that I don't want to. It just hurts. The worst part is the fact that I should be with her right now. We'd have the flat all to ourselves. I know that if we'd be together today, we'd be talking about our issues but I know that we would be doing other things.

We'd be catching up as we stay in bed all morning, talking about anything and everything. I would have her in my arms as she rests her head on my chest, tracing the outlines of my tattoos with her fingertips.

I would be stealing kisses from her any chance I could get, even cutting her off while she's talking because I know how much it annoys her at first but then she would soon melt further into my arms and just kiss me harder.

I would be roaming my hands along her body, knowing that I wouldn't be able to keep my hands to myself after not seeing her for days.

I would be telling her all of the new jokes I've made up, making her laugh and tell me that she thinks they're horrible even though I know she loves them.

She would be wearing just my shirt as we finally force ourselves out of bed to get something to eat and I know that I would still be unable to keep my hands off of her. She would be making us lunch and I would just be standing behind her with my arms around her waist, watching her as she cooks. I know I would just be looking at the look of concentration on her face, knowing that I enjoy watching her.

Even when we would eat, I know that it would just take us longer than normal when we steal even more kisses from each other, our food soon being forgotten.

And then, for the rest of the day, we would keep ourselves locked in her room, choosing to spend the day being lazy in bed. I would just be admiring her as I listen to her talk, my eyes being mesmerized by the movement of her lips and the excitement in her eyes.

Knowing Lily, I know she would start getting bored and she would try to get out of bed but I wouldn't let her. She would be laughing as I trap her on the bed, squishing her underneath me as she tries to push me away.

Now, with that image, I can't help but imagine how that would soon turn into playfulness and teasing like we always do. I would shut her up with a kiss and with my hands on her body. I would deepen the kiss until she gives a light moan against my lips.

I would-


My mum's voice snaps me out of my thoughts and I release my breath, not realizing that I was holding it for so long.

I blink as I look up at her, her and Robin looking over at me with curiosity. I realize that they must've been trying to get my attention for a while and I just hope that my cheeks haven't gotten too red to hint at them what I was daydreaming about.

My mum probably thinks that I'm still bothered by her bringing up Lily. I mean, it did at first but then those thoughts just brought to different thoughts, thoughts that one wouldn't share with their parents.

"Sorry, what?"

"We're just wondering when you'll be heading back to London," my mum replies.

I clear my throat. "I should be heading back tonight. Probably when we get back home. We leave for Sweden on Monday so I need to pack."

Truth is, I was planning on staying with Lily until the last possible minute, which would be Monday, not even caring that I needed to pack more clothes for tour. I was just planning on buying new clothes wherever we would go.

I would stay here with my mum and Robin until tomorrow but I just need to be alone for a while before I go back to the craziness of touring. I know that it's going to be hard to get alone time when I start travelling again, and since we have four more weeks of shows all around Europe, I won't be able to go back to London.

I was planning on visiting Lily any chance I could get these next four weeks but with this break, I know it would be pointless to go back home. Lily was my reason to go back home.

I try to hide the somberness I feel as I realize this, even when our food arrives and everyone starts to eat. My mum and Robin start talking amongst themselves and I have a feeling that my mum intended to, most likely understanding that I don't really want to talk right now.

I just keep to myself, eating my food and going on my phone. I've been constantly checking Twitter and Instagram to see if she had posted anything but she hasn't. I try to stop myself from reading more hateful things that people are saying about her.

I have to force myself not to speak out on it, knowing that it would just make it worse. I don't want to make it worse, especially for Lily.

Not knowing what else to do, I decide to just check up on her one more time. I go to her Twitter and try to type in her username but when I go to it, it says that it doesn't exist. My heart thuds as I read it, taking a good look at the username to make sure I typed it correctly.

I try again but it's the same thing.

My heart starts to pound when I go to Instagram and do the same thing. Once again, it says 'no accounts found' when I type in her username. I even go to the picture that I had posted of the two of us, where I had tagged her but when I click on her name, it still says 'user not found'.

I start to panic, wondering what had happened. Did she delete it because of all of the hate? Did she delete it because of the break?

I try over and over again to look up her name but I come up with nothing. Desperate for an answer, I search around Twitter.

Hundreds and hundreds of tweets appear, most of them wondering the same thing. They realized right away that she had deleted her accounts and I find out that she had deleted them a few hours ago.

Of course, with this, a lot of people are now speculating that we've broken up. That thought angers me. I don't want people to think that we've broken up. It'd just make all of this much harder, especially when I read tweets saying that they're happy that we're not together anymore.

I know I have to do something about this. I know that, eventually, the media will get wind of this and start making up rumours and spreading them around. Knowing that there's only one thing I can do to get the message to everyone as quickly as I can, I open up my Instagram.

I decide to post a picture. However, I have no idea what.

I go through my photo album and even though it's hard to see the hundreds of pictures I have of Lily, I know that I need to find the right one.

I stop at one that I had taken of her wearing my sweater. She was cuddled up on the couch with a mug in her hand, her other hand trying to cover her face. I remember her telling me to stop because she thought that she looked horrible since we had just woken up.

She was laughing in this picture but only because I was making her. I wanted to capture her smile, which is the only thing that isn't being covered by her hand.

I know right away that it's the perfect one.

I know that Lily had told me that the fans are upset with her, saying that she's bragging about the fact that she's my girlfriend. However, that's not going to stop me from showing everyone how much I love her. I'm not going to hide it.

I edit the picture and once I get to the caption, I try to think of the perfect thing to say. My thumbs fidget over the keys until I finally know which words to put.

Baby, you're perfect

I smile as I post it, watching my notifications go crazy not even a second later. For a second, I get nervous that Lily will find it and get upset but then I realize that I've done nothing wrong. We're on a break but that doesn't mean that I can't show everyone how much I love her.

I mean, yeah, I did this to prevent rumours being started that we've broken up since she deleted her social media account but I would still do this regardless.

I decide to get off my phone and actually converse with my mum and Robin, especially since I'm leaving soon. We finish eating and I follow them into Robin's car. We head back to their house and I start gathering all of my things as soon as we get there.

"Have fun on tour," my mum says as we hug. "Be safe."

"I will. I promise."

"I'm guessing we won't see each other until Christmas."

I give her a kiss on her cheek before we pull away.

"Yeah, most likely."

She looks at me and gives me a small smile and I know that she can read my mind. She looks over at Robin.

"Would you be able to get the camera from our closet? I want to take a picture with Harry before he goes."

Robin nods and makes his way upstairs. As soon as he's out of earshot, my mum looks back at me.

"Stay strong, Harry, okay? You can do this. I know you can do this."

I can only manage a nod, already feeling my throat constricting. I know that this is something a mother has to say to their child but I truly believe her. Like I've said before, she never sugarcoats anything or tells me something just because she thinks it's what I want to hear. She tells me the truth. She always has.

"If you need to talk about anything, I'm a phone call away. No matter what time it is, okay?"

Again, I nod. "Thank you, mum."

She smiles at me and pulls me in for another hug.

"I love you."

"I love you, too."


"You boys are on in thirty minutes."

I nod at our manager as Lou puts on the finishing touches to my hair. The boys and I are now in Sweden and we're about to have an interview. I've kept to myself mostly ever since we all got here and I'm sure they're all curious as to why.

I know that there's a part of them that think that something happened with Lily and I and I know that they're too scared to ask me.

"Hey, everything alright?" Louis asks as soon as Lou finishes with my hair. I go to sit on the vacant couch and he sits down beside me.

I've thought about telling Louis. I need to tell someone and there's no one else I can think of that will understand.

I know that, no matter what, I'd end up telling him anyways. I know that I've already talked to my mum about it but it's not the same as talking about it with a friend, especially someone as close as Louis is.

I look around, making sure that no one can hear us before I clear my throat and look down.

"Lily wants to take a break."

I know I've completely surprised him with what I've just said. He's silent and I'm sure it's because he doesn't know what to say. I look back up at him and force a tight smile on my face.

"Does...what...what do you mean by 'take a break'?" he stutters.

I sigh. "We didn't break up. I'd be a mess if we did. She...she just wants a break from us so she can focus on school."

He looks at me in confusion, just like how my expression was when Lily through this bomb on me.

I know what he's going to ask before he even opens his mouth.

"We've been having some problems lately and she said that she doesn't have the time to work on them right now, especially since she's busy with school and I'm away a lot. She said we'll talk about it when school's over."

"I'm so sorry, mate. How are you feeling about it all?"

"I mean, I obviously wish we weren't doing this but I talked to my mum on the weekend and I can kind of understand why she needs this. I guess the thing I'm most worried about now is the fact that I won't be able to talk to her every day. I won't be able to know how she is, if she's okay, if something happened to her."

"I understand. I would feel the same. But, um...I can check up on her for you if you want. I'll talk to El and ask her to keep an eye on Lily. I mean, she does already but I'll ask El how she's doing once in a while and I'll let you know right away."

A small smile appears on my face. "You'd really do that? I mean, you really don't have to. I don't want to trouble you and El."

He shakes his head. "It's no trouble at all. I know you'd do the same for me. I'd be more than happy to help out in any way I can and I'm sure El will be more than okay with it."

My smile widens. "Thank you, Lou. Yeah, I'd really appreciate that. Um...maybe talk to El first and tell her not to tell Lily that I'm asking you to do this. I mean, I know it was your idea but I'm not sure how Lily will take it if she found out."

He nods his head in understanding. "Of course. No problem."

I give him one last smile before I look back down. I know that I should be happy about this but I just wish that I could talk to her myself and not have El tell Louis to tell me if Lily's doing okay. However, if this is all I can get during this break, I'll take it. It's better than not knowing at all how she is.

"You'll get through this, Harry. And I'm always here if you need to talk."

Just like what my mum said but I know that he's being genuine just like she was.

I look back up at him and smile. "Thanks, Lou. I'll keep that in mind. And I really appreciate you doing this. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't know how she is. I mean, I'm her boyfriend. I should always know if she's okay. I should always be there to protect her. And now...I can't do that. I feel helpless. I just wish there was something I could do."

I know that asking Collin to watch over her again is definitely out of the question. I can't lose any more of Lily's trust. I have to show her that I'm really trying when it comes to the issues we've been having lately.

I'm not going to sit here and wait until she says this break is over and do nothing. I have to prove to her that I'd do anything just to earn her trust again. And that starts with accepting this break.

"I'm sure she'll be fine. She's a strong girl. And El will be there to make sure of that. Don't worry too much about it, mate. It'll just make it all more stressful. And God forbid something did happen to her, I'm sure you would be the first one she calls, break or no break."

I take in his words and let it reassure me. I hope he's right. If something happened to her during this break, I wouldn't be able to forgive myself. I promised myself to always keep her safe, even when I'm away, especially when I'm away. And now, I have no ways of doing that. At least, not personally.

I'm more than thankful for Lou offering to do this. It's more than I can ask for right now.

Niall comes over and sits with us so I just pretend to be busy with my phone while Louis talks to him. I allow myself to go through my pictures again. It's not as hard as it's been since I last saw her. Sunday was the worst when I was all alone in my house. But now, with a bit of Lou's help through this, I find it less painful to look at pictures of her, of us.

I graze through the older pictures but when I start to scroll through the most recent ones, my heart tugs at the fact that I have no new pictures of her. During the five weeks I was in South America, I would ask her to send a picture of herself to me every day, no matter what she's doing. When she would be having a lazy day, she would be stubborn and refuse to send me a picture because she thought that she looked horrible.

I would annoy her until she would finally send me one just to shut me up.

To be honest, some of my favourite pictures she sent to me were the ones where she had no makeup and she was in her lazy clothes. It made it feel like I was right there being lazy with her instead of being across the ocean.

And now, I have no new pictures. The last pictures we took together was last week at the party, the ones we took after we finished getting ready, including the one that she posted on Instagram. There were a few pictures that I took that night of us but other people were in them as well. So those pictures don't really count.

I still have the picture of the two of us as my background, one of the ones we took during the one week I spent with her over the summer while Ed was in LA. I haven't changed it since that day that we took those pictures.

Suddenly, we're called in for the interview and we all head to the set. I sit in between Louis and Niall and a middle-aged man sits in front of us.

He introduces himself and immediately starts talking about the tour and the album. We all take turns answering the questions and it was going smoothly.

But I guess I spoke too soon.

"Now, Harry, there are rumours going around that you and your girlfriend have broken up. She recently deleted all of her social media accounts so fans took that as a sign that something happened. Can you clear up the rumours?"

As soon as he had said "girlfriend", I immediately tensed up, my lungs freezing and preventing me from breathing. I honestly didn't think that they would mention Lily. But even if I did anticipate it, I know that management doesn't know about Lily and I's break, meaning that they couldn't blacklist this topic with the interviewers before it started.

I fidget with the rings on my fingers, my heart thudding in my chest as I struggle to maintain eye contact with the interviewer. I can see my manager looking at me with confusion, wondering what the hell is happening to me and why I'm not answering.

I know that I should flat out state that those rumours are false but I don't trust my voice. I don't know how it'll come out if I start talking about her, even if it's to say that we're still together. If I make it sound even just a little bit unconvincing, I know that I should expect article after article saying that I was lying.

I know that I have to say something and the longer I take, the harder it seems to be to make words come out of my mouth.

"Those rumours aren't true at all. We're still together."

I know that keeping it vague might not help in my situation but I can't form enough words in my head to elaborate even more.

I watch the interviewer's mouth open, knowing for sure that he's going to continue to ask me about Lily.

"Sorry, I thought we were here to talk about the album," Louis suddenly says.

I look over at him and I can tell that he's annoyed and maybe even a little bit pissed off at the interviewer.

"Our album FOUR?" Louis continues. "You know, the one that we've been talking about for the past five minutes. If you want to talk about relationships, why don't we talk about yours?"

Louis gives a small smirk as the interviewer chuckles awkwardly, surely trying to hide how Louis' sass is completely embarrassing him.

"Well, we asked the fans what they wanted to ask you guys and most of them wanted to know about Harry's relationship status. Just trying to please the fans."

"I'm sure the fans will be pleased to know that we appreciate their support for our album and for our tour so far," Louis replies. "We appreciate everything they've done for us since the beginning and we hope we can give them more music and shows to show them how thankful we are."

I bite my lip to hold back from laughing. I can always count on Louis' sass to make an appearance at the most perfect time, including now. I know that management won't be too happy with him but I don't think he even cares.

I know that I would do the same for him. No doubt about it. I wouldn't care what management had to say about it. No matter what, you always have to be there to support your friends.

The interviewer now diverts the questions to Liam, asking him about the recording process of the album.

I breathe a sigh of relief and just sit there, waiting for this to be over already, mostly so I can thank Louis.

When the interview is finally over, we all stand up and give the interviewer a handshake. We immediately head back to our dressing room but I walk up to Louis.

"Hey, thanks for that. I appreciate it."

He gives me a smile. "No need to thank me. I know you'd do the same for me."

I return his smile and nod. "Still, thank you. I don't even know how that interview would've gone if you hadn't done that."

"Really, no worries. Now stop being a sap. We have a show soon and I can't have you weeping like a baby on stage."

I roll my eyes and nudge him with my elbow.

That interview may have ruined my mood a bit but I'm honestly feeling so much better now because of what Louis' done, as well as what he's doing to help me out during this break.

I know this break is going to feel like years but I'm just glad that Louis' there to support me through it. 

I won't be as happy as I know I would be if Lily didn't want this, if we weren't taking a break.

I know this'll be hard but I know I'll be okay.


Who else loved the Perfect music video??

Who else listened to Home and is completely in love with it like I am??

I can't wait for the album. It's going to be amazing.

Anyways, please vote and comment! 45 votes and 15 comments! :)

Also! Please let me know if you guys want me to do another time leap. So basically if you want me to write the next chapter and have it be close to the end of their supposed "break" or if you want me to write more chapters throughout it.

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