Change My Mind

I don’t know if I’ll ever love someone as great as Harry so that’s why I never want to forget this feeling. That’s why I’m scared of moving on. I don’t want to forget what it feels like to be in love with Harry Styles, especially the feeling I got when Harry Styles used to love me back.


65. Stay




I know I've asked you guys to listen to songs for certain chapters but you HAVE TO HAVE TO HAVE TO listen to

All I Want by Kodaline

It's going to make this chapter sooo much better

So click play when you see this --> ~*~*~


I attached a live version on this chapter because wattpad won't let me use the actual song so if you happen to have it in your music or you can play it on your laptop, I highly recommend you listen to that version instead of the live version attached to this chapter



Lily's POV

"Promise you'll come visit me when you can."

"I will. I promise, Lily."

I don't know how long I keep my arms around Ed. I don't let go, if anything, I just hug him tighter.

"I know we said this all before we left your flat but I really want to thank you for everything. Thanks for putting up with me this summer and all my issues. Thanks for listening to me. Thanks for always being there for me. I love you so much."

"I love you, too. Thank you, too. I'm happy that you came here and spent your summer with me."

"I'm gonna miss you so much."

"I'll miss you more."

I bury my face into his neck, hiding the flowing tears even though there are only two other people in the train station at this time.

"You better give me a free ticket when you have your concert here in London. I'll definitely make it."

I feel his body shake as he laughs. "I'll give you backstage access, too."

I smile and hug him even tighter.

"30 minutes to departure to Manchester." The woman's voice echoes around the train station, my heart dropping as it finally hits me that I'm leaving.

I sniffle. "I'm gonna miss you, Ed. I'm sorry I didn't spend a lot of time with you this summer."

I really am. Even though I wouldn't take back the time I spent with...him, I wish I had spent more time with Ed. I know he was busy, too, with his album but I realized that I didn't spend as much time as I wanted to.

However, I feel that with the two of us becoming closer, we're both going to do what it takes to visit each other as much as we both can.

"Hey, hey, hey. Don't apologize for that. We spent time together after not seeing each other for months. That's all that matters."

I give him one last squeeze before I pull away. "Alright. Well, I better go. You should go home and sleep. And I have a lot of stuff to put on the train."

"Here, let me help you."

He grabs my suitcase and guitar case and he heads over to the train. I grab my purse and small bag and follow him inside the train. He places my things against the seats and I place my purse on the one beside my seat across from my suitcase.

I turn back around and face Ed, giving him a smile before I hug him one last time.

"Thanks, Ed. Sorry for all the trouble you had to go through to get me here today."

"No worries at all. I'd do anything for you. Have a safe trip and let me know when you get to Manchester."

We pull away but I leave a swift kiss on his cheek. "I will. Thanks."

I hold his hand as he takes a step back, tears building up in my eyes again.

"I love you, Ed."

He returns my smile and squeezes my hand. "I love you, too. I'm a phone call away if you need anything."

"I know. Same for you, okay?"

He nods. "Bye, Lil."

"Bye," I breathe out. He lets go and turns around, hopping off of the train. I sit down in my seat against the window and look outside. I see Ed walk into view and he waves to me as he walks away. I wave back to him and I notice his eyes are starting to water but he looks away before I can tell for sure.

He disappears as he turns the corner and I lean back in my seat.

I make sure that I have everything and secure all of my things around me. I take a look around the train and see no one else around me. I guess I'm the only one headed to Manchester at four in the morning.

I hear my phone get a text message and I fish it out of my purse and see that Ed texted me.

*Miss you already. And it's so quiet now without you. It's nice.*

I smile and roll my eyes.

*Shut up. I know you miss my beautiful voice. Now stop texting me and focus on driving. And get some sleep when you get home. You know how bad I feel that we came home late last night and we had to leave early today. I'll talk to you when I reach Manchester. Oh yeah...I miss you already, too! :'( *

I put my phone away and relax once again in my seat. I close my eyes, taking deep breaths to calm myself down.

I hate goodbyes. I really do.

But I know that I'm going to see Ed really soon. I'll make sure of it. I don't think I can last long without seeing him.

I've been constantly checking my phone for a text from him. I'm trying to convince myself that I'm hoping that there won't be calls or texts but I know that I'm actually wishing that there is.

But there's nothing, no calls, no texts.

I open my eyes when I look at my watch and see that it's 3:40. 20 more minutes until the train leaves.

This is the time that I wish that time would go faster. I start to panic at the thought that Harry somehow woke up to an empty bed and would come looking for me. But he wouldn't know where I am anyways.

If he had woken up, he would've been texting or calling me. He's still sleeping in his bed. He's sleeping thinking that I'm still there beside him.

I close my eyes again as pain shoots through my entire body again. I can't be thinking about things like this just as I'm about to leave. I should be thinking about happy things.

"What are you watching?" I ask as I snuggle closer to him, placing my knees on his lap. He wraps his arm around me before he takes the remote and starts flipping through the channels.

"I was trying to find something to watch, there's nothing on right now."

"Hmm." I take the remote from his hand and turn the TV off. "Then let's do something else."

He turns to me, taking my legs and draping it across his. His touch sending tingles across my skin.

"What did you have in mind?" he asks before he places his face into the crook of my neck, nuzzling his nose against it. I playfully shove him back.

"Not that." I giggle. "I was hoping we could...I don't"

"Okay. How about you talk and I can kiss you." He proceeds to kiss my exposed shoulder.

"Harry," I whine.

He pulls away, laughing.

"I'm kidding. What did you want to talk about?" He starts to softly run his hand up and down my side of my leg, stopping just below the hem of my shorts.

I shrug. "I don't know. Anything, really. I just want to get to know you better."

"Alright. What would you like to know about me?" he replies with a sweet smile.

Honestly, I want to know everything about him. A million questions start flashing through my mind.

"Everything." I laugh. "Just tell me as much as you can about yourself. And then I'll do the same."

He chuckles. "Alright."

I sit more comfortably in my spot.

"My birthday is on February 1. My full name is Harry Edward Styles. I was born in Evesham, Worcestershire but I was raised in Holmes Chapel, Cheshire. My parents are Anne and Des but they divorced when I was seven. But my mum is now happily married again to a great man, Robin. I have one older sister, Gemma. My favourite colour is orange. My favourite movie is Love Actually. Turtles are my favourite animal. I like to golf. My inspirations are The Beatles, Elvis and Coldplay. I was in a band called White Eskimo before I auditioned for The X Factor. Uhh...if I hadn't auditioned, I would probably be studying to go into law or to be a physiotherapist. Other than singing, my other talents are juggling and playing the kazoo. I had a pet hamster and I named him 'Hamster'. I love apple juice. I hate snakes, absolutely frightened by them. I love tacos. And...I like a girl named Lily Benson."

He gives me a goofy smile before I return it with one of my own.

"But you already knew that one last," he adds.

"I actually didn't," I tease. "Can you say it again?"

He rolls his eyes. "I like you, Lily."

I love hearing him say those words. It was music to my ears.

I cup a hand around my ear. "Sorry, I couldn't quite hear you."

He brings his hands up to my waist and proceeds to tickle me, causing me to flinch and fall back on the couch with a squeal.

"I like you, Lily." He hovers over me, resting on his elbows to support himself. I run my hands over his chest and then up to his neck.

"One last time," I whisper.

He slowly leans down, placing a light kiss on my lips.

"I like you, Lily." A kiss on my nose.

"I like you." A kiss on my jaw.

"I like you." A kiss on my shoulder.

"I like you." One last lingering kiss once again on my lips.

I like you, Lily. Lily, Lily, Lily, Lily...

I feel like I'm losing my mind. It feels so real. Harry's voice keeps ringing in my mind, calling out my name.

Lily. Lily. Lily.

This is how much he's gotten to me. It actually sounds like he's here, like it's not in my head.


My eyes shoot open and my heart skips a beat.


His voice.

I sit up in my seat and look at the window. There's no one in sight in the train station. I'm losing my mind.

My eyes frantically sweep across the train station, looking for him, waiting for his voice again.

I was just imagining it. It was just my mind playing twisted tricks on me. I slowly lean back in my seat when it's quiet once again. My heart starts to stabilize once again.

He's not here. It was just--


Someone flashes past the window, a head of curly brown hair zooming past me.

"Lily! LILY!"

I lean against the window, looking out and see Harry frantically running and stopping to look inside windows at the same time. My heart accelerates in my chest as I watch him take a step back and sweep his eyes back and forth along the length of the train, pulling at his hair.


I move away from the window when he looks towards my direction. I don't know what to do. Do I want him to find me? Do I want to go out there and talk to him?

I carefully look back out the window and see him walking further down the train again.


I glance down at my watch, seeing that it was 3:45. There's still a lot of time before this train leaves the station. There's still 15 minutes left for me to hide and for Harry to find me.


I look out the window again and see Harry looking along the length of the train. My heart stops when I see tears flowing down his face, his eyes wild and frantic.


Without another thought, I stand up from my seat and head towards the door, hopping out and immediately looking to my left for Harry.

He has his back to me as he continues to look inside the train. I take a few steps towards him and take a deep breath.


He immediately stops and turns around. I stand in my spot and watch as he slowly but gradually runs to me.

I open my mouth to say something but he stops me when he wraps his arms around me, resting his one hand against the back of my head.

He starts to cry, his whole body shaking. I stand there frozen, not knowing what to do with my hands but as he continues to cry, my hands move up to wrap around his body, running my hand along his back to attempt to calm him down.

"How dare you? How dare you leave? You promised. You promised you'd stay," he says through hiccups. "Why didn't you keep your promise?"

I try to pull away to get a good look at him but he just holds me tighter.

"Do you know how absolutely devastating it was to wake up and find you gone?"

I don't know what to say. I don't know what I can say to make him understand why I left, why I broke his promise.

He lifts his head up and takes both sides of my face in his hands, resting his forehead against mine.

"You promised. Do you remember? You promised me back at Ed's that you would never leave without a goodbye."

"So...did you mean what you just said to Ed?"

Harry leans back but keeps his arms around me. "Every word. I wouldn't let you leave without getting an explanation. I would find you and tell you that I think you were stupid for leaving me like that."

I laugh and he joins me.

"But then I would fight for you. I wouldn't let you get away that easily."

I smile at him. "You know that I wouldn't leave without saying goodbye. But you should know that I would never leave you at all."

Those words ring through my ears as Harry leans his head back, finally allowing me to look up at him. He keeps his around the sides of my face and I keep mine resting around him. The tears finally escape, running down my cheeks.

"It was too hard, Harry. I couldn't do it. It hurt. It hurt to be so close to you. I had to. And the thought of having to say goodbye to you...I couldn't."

"This doesn't have to be goodbye. Just come back to me. We'll make this work. Just come back to me. Please. I...I love you. So much."

I grip on Harry's shirt tightly, feeling the pain in my heart strengthen at his words. I wanted to take him back right now, right here, but I'm scared. I'm leaving and I don't know how long until we see each other again. I don't know how long we would work out in a long distance relationship. We couldn't even make it work when we spent the whole summer together in the same city.

I can see the hope slowly start to fade in his eyes as I remain silent.

I lightly shake my head. "I--"

"I'll do anything. What do you want me to do? I'll do it. Just please take me back." Desperation laces his voice, his body shaking.

"Harry," I whisper. "I've brought you so many problems. You can do so much better than me."

I look down at my feet but he quickly pulls my head up to look at him again.

"No, I can't. You're it. You're the one. The only one. There's no one else for me. There never has been since I met you and there never will. I...I honestly don't know what I'm going to do without you. I'm lost without you. I've been lost since that night in Paris. You haven't brought me any problems. You've only brought me happiness. Please don't take that away from me."

This is what I was scared of. This is what I was worried about happening when I would say goodbye to Harry. He would say these amazing words and my walls would start crumbling. A part of me wanted to hear these words but, at the same time, I didn't. No matter what happens, these words will stay with me when I leave. Depending on what my decision will be, it'll either bring me happiness or it'll haunt me.

"Why don't you want to be with me?"

I let out a breath. "Harry, it's not that I don't want to be with you. I...I just can't."

"That's not a good enough reason. Why don't you want to be with me, Lily?"

Tears come down faster, just like they are for Harry.

"I told you! I just can't!"

"Yes, you can!"

"I can't, Harry! I can't be with you and not be able to see you every day! I can't be with you and not be able to hold you, kiss you, just be close to you! It'll kill me, every day that I'm not able to see you, to be so far away from you, not knowing when I'd be able to see you again!"

Harry's eyes soften as he takes in my words. I clutch onto his shirt even tighter, the words I've finally expressed to Harry weighing down against my chest. I've finally admitted it to Harry. I've finally admitted it to myself.

do want to be with Harry but I'll be miserable without being able to see him every day. I know that long distance relationships work for a lot of other people, but it's not the type of relationship that I think I can handle. I'm the type of girl that needs to not only be emotionally connected to someone but I need them physically there, too. Even if we talk to each other every day on the phone, on Skype, it won't be the same. I'd need him there right beside me. I'd need to feel him, feel his breathing, feel his heart beat, feel any touch I can get from him. I can't have that with how his life is. I'm not holding his career against him but I just need the reassurance that he'll be there when I need him.

"So, you still love me?"

I look up at him again, locking our gaze to make sure he truly understands what I'm about to say.

"I never stopped. I always have...and I always will. With all my heart."

I can see it in his eyes as soon as I said those words. I can see it growing in his eyes before he leans in and places his lips on mine.

This kiss quickly makes every thought leave my mind as I instantly kiss him back. One of Harry's hands moves down to wrap around my waist, pulling me closer. I take one of my hands and move it up to rest on his cheek, running my fingers through his hair.

This kiss washes out every ounce of pain in my body and replaces it with warmth and longing. I pull Harry closer to me, kissing him to make up for all the times I've wanted to kiss him since the last time we shared one.

Our last kiss was the night of Perrie's birthday party but I was drunk and it was a blur. So I guess our last real kiss was the day that Harry left for Paris. It was such a long time ago.

That was our last kiss and this one that we're sharing right now will be our last...

Even though I want nothing more than for this kiss to last forever, I know that eventually it'll have to end. And afterwards, the inevitable is going to happen.

I'm leaving and no matter what words were exchanged between us, no matter how amazing this kiss we're sharing is, my thoughts will still be the same.

I want to be with Harry but I can't.

No matter what, we'll have to part ways and who knows when we'll see each other next. I can't have a relationship that has no certainty. I can't be in a relationship that will rely on uncertainty and chances. Harry is constantly travelling and for long periods of time.

I've never been in a relationship like that. I was lucky enough to be able to experience being with Harry for a short while here in London when he had some time off but I don't know what it's going to be like when he starts travelling again.

I'm scared. And what am I known to do when I'm scared of something?

I run.

I allow myself to focus on the feeling of Harry's warm lips moving against mine, his strong hands holding me close to him, my fingers running through his soft hair. Then slowly, I start to loosen my grasp in his hair and around his shirt.

And almost immediately, he pulls away, resting his forehead against mine and pulling me back to him. He starts to shake again.

"Don't leave me. Don't. I love you. I can't lose you again. Just please take me back. We'll make this work. I love you."

The tears rush furiously down my face, hot against my cheeks. I take in his words, letting it heal me and break me at the same time.

"I'm sorry, Harry." I brush my fingers softly through his hair as his grip tightens around me. "I'm sorry."

"No, I'm not letting you leave. No. Please. Come back to me."

The pain is starting to be unbearable. It's getting harder to breathe.

I need to go.

I start to slowly pull away from him again and I open my eyes and risk a look up at him. He looks absolutely scared, lost, his eyes pleading and filled with fear and panic.

"I'm sorry," I breathe. "I have to go. I...I can't..."

I shake my head as I pull away even more. His hands slide to grab my arms, the fear in his entire body intensifying. I continue to pull away, physically and emotionally, and surprisingly, it's easier to physically pull myself away from him than it is emotionally.

His grip slides down my arms, to my elbow, to my wrists. With one last heart-wrenching pull, I finally release myself from his grasp. Hot tears are flowing rapidly down both of our faces, filled with the pain both of us are feeling at this moment.

"Bye, Harry."

With one last longing look, I turn around, leaving him standing there confused, scared, hurt, lost.

I board the train, resisting the urge to take one last look at him. I quickly find my seat, thankful that no one else is sitting around me. I allow myself to sob as soon as I sit back down in my seat, feeling the pain rip me apart.

My whole body shakes in sobs. I've never felt such excruciating pain. I feel the train start to shake and I close my eyes tightly as it starts to move. I keep my eyes closed as it builds up speed as it leaves the train station. I keep my eyes closed, not wanting to see the one I love most in the world outside my window as we pass him.

However, it doesn't make it any less painful.

As I leave the station, it doesn't give me the peace that I was looking for, that I was hoping for.

I thought that by leaving London, leaving everyone behind, leaving Harry behind, it would give me closure and finally help me start to heal. But it doesn't.

If anything, it just brings me even more agonizing pain. Pain that I know I will feel for the rest of this train ride. Pain that I will feel as long as I am in love with Harry Styles.


And like I told him, I will always love him.









Anyways, yeahhhhh this chapter though...

I was getting emotional while I was writing it. Is that normal??

Anyways, please please please let me know what you think! What do you think is going to happen next? Are you angry? Do you want to kill me? LOL please just let me know what you thought after reading this lovely chapter.

I loooooved your comments from the last chapter. Long comments make me happy (they make me write faster too *wink* *wink*)

So yeah, 30 votes and 20 comments before I post the next chapter!

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