Change My Mind

I don’t know if I’ll ever love someone as great as Harry so that’s why I never want to forget this feeling. That’s why I’m scared of moving on. I don’t want to forget what it feels like to be in love with Harry Styles, especially the feeling I got when Harry Styles used to love me back.


33. Pictures

Lily’s POV

The train gets closer and closer to the station as I finally arrive back in London. I had left the morning after the funeral so that I would be able to have time to pack for New York, which is in two days.

Two days until I get to see Harry again.

I haven’t spoken to him since our phone call before I had left for funeral. He was busy the rest of the day with interviews and by the time they finished, it was already late. He texted me saying that he was going to call me later today.

The train finally stops at the platform and I get off with my suitcase in hand. I search for Ed amongst the crowd of people and I see him leaning against a wall with his phone in his hand. I walk up to him and smack his arm.

“Hey! What was that for?”

“You didn’t even try to look for me. I could’ve been looking everywhere for you.”

“Yeah but you didn’t.”

I roll my eyes. Ed pushes himself off of the wall and takes my bag. We make our way out of the train station.

“So, did you tell Harry?”

I bite my lip. “Um…I told him that I had a family emergency to go to.”

“So you didn't tell him that you were with Marcus?”

I avoid any eye contact with him as we approach the car. “I’m going to tell him when I see him.”

“Lily,” he says in a scolding tone.


“You should’ve told him before you went there.”

“I know, I know. But…it’s complicated.”

“Sorry for pointing it out but you not telling him might’ve just made it more complicated. I don’t think he’s going to like it that you lied to him.”

“I didn’t lie to him though! I just left out the part that I went to visit Marcus.”

“Yeah, and that’s not something that you keep from him.”

I groan. “Can you just take us home? I’m getting a headache because of you.”

His jaw hardens before he puts my bag in the trunk. We hop into the car and he drives off.

I know that Ed’s right, I just didn’t want to discuss it right now. The entire time that I was at Marcus’, I felt the guilt in the bottom of my stomach. As time passed, I started to regret not telling him in the first place. Now, it’s going to be even more nerve-wracking when I have to tell him when I see him next.

I should’ve listened to Ed and told Harry.

Maybe I can tell him tonight. I was really hoping to tell him in person but I didn’t want to keep it from him for another two days until I see him in New York.

Speaking of New York.

“By the way, Harry invited me to go to New York with them.” I turn to face Ed as he drives. “Since I couldn’t make it to Paris.”

“Really? And you said yes?”

“Well, at first, I felt bad that he was paying for me after I couldn’t make it to Paris. But he told me not to worry about it so yeah, I said I’d go.”

He nods. “So you’re going to tell him then?”

I still haven’t decided whether I’m going to tell him on the phone tonight. “Yeah, I will.”

“Well, hopefully, he takes it well or you’ll be stuck in New York until your flight back with him being upset with you.”

I roll my eyes. “Thanks for telling me that, like I didn’t know that already.”

He holds out a hand in front of him. “Hey, I’m just warning you.”

I bite my tongue to keep any remarks from coming out of my mouth. I can’t handle anymore I-told-you-so’s from Ed.

I hear him sigh. “So, how was the funeral?”

Glad for the change of topic, I look back at him. “It’s how funerals usually are. It was hard but I’m glad I went to pay my respects and to be there for Marcus and his dad. I even played a song for them.”

He looks over at me with a smile. “Really? That’s great.”

“Yeah, I wrote a song about Marcus and his mum once I found out that her health was getting worse.”

“So you weren’t nervous to play?”

“I was at first but I got through it.”

“That’s great. I’d love to hear it sometime.”

“Oh, by the way, have you seen my journal? I can’t find it anywhere. I searched the entire flat.” By ‘entire’, I meant a couple of rooms.

“Nope, sorry. We’ll try looking for it when we get home.”

I nod. “Alright.”

Once we get home, I put my bag in my room and go into the living room to see Ed looking underneath the cushions of the couch.

“I already checked under there,” I say.

He puts the cushions back and looks around the room. Then he shrugs and sits down on the couch.

“I give up.” He reaches for the remote and he turns on the TV.

“Wow, you tried so hard.”

I was still tired from the train ride home so I decide to sit down beside Ed on the couch. I’ll look for it again later.

I pull out my phone, hoping to see a text from Harry but I don’t see one. He said that he was going to call me today when he’s free but he still hasn’t called. It’s still four in the afternoon so maybe he’s still working. If he doesn’t call by seven, I’ll send him a text. I don’t want to bother him while he’s working.

I decide to take a nap so I rest my head on Ed’s shoulder as he watches TV.


Harry’s POV

“Okay, you guys are done for the day. You’re free to go,” our manager says to us. Me and the rest of the lads stand up and we grab our stuff before we head out of the building.

We’re met with a huge crowd of fans who break out in earth-shattering screams the second we come out through the doors.

Of course, there are paparazzi there.

It’s loud and me and the rest of the lads move slowly through the crowd as our bodyguards attempt to push us through.

All of the sounds are blended in together but a name catches my attention.

“Harry, are you and Lily over? I heard that she…”

I can’t catch the end of one of the paparazzi’s comments but I keep my ears open.

“Harry, are the pictures real? Is that really Lily kissing another man?”

I head snaps up and my heart stops. My sense of hearing is heightened as I look around the crowd, my vision slightly blurring.

No, they’re lying. They’re just making up rumours.

“Harry, are you and Lily over or did she cheat on you?”

Why are all of these people saying these things? Where is this coming from?

“Have you seen the pictures, Harry? Lily is kissing someone else. Is she cheating on you?”

My head is spinning.

I attempt to walk faster to the car, wanting to get out of here. The other lads didn’t hear the remarks as they’re almost at the car. I finally reach it and I force my way inside, taking a seat beside Niall.

I have to clench my hands once I realize that I’m shaking. I try to calm down, not wanting to alert anyone else. I sit in silence until we get back to the hotel and I quickly make my way up to my room after a quick goodbye to everyone.

Once I’m in the confines of my room, I pull out my phone. I debate on whether I should call Lily but what would I say? What would I ask?

Hey, Lily, are you cheating on me?

I shake my head. I’ve learned not to make assumptions before I hear the real story. I can’t do that.

Suddenly, I remember one of the comments about some pictures. I don’t know what I’m getting myself into but I find myself going onto Twitter and searching ‘Lily cheating on Harry’.

I take a deep breath as I wait for the tweets to load.

My heart races as I read tweet after tweet from One Direction fan accounts.

Lily cheated on Harry. Lily cheated on Harry. Lily cheated on Harry.

I add the word ‘pictures’ in the search bar and my breath catches in my throat when I see it.

A picture of Lily with his arms around another guy and then another picture beside it where she’s leaning up and kissing him.

She’s kissing someone else.

My vision blurs and my hands are shaking like crazy. My body takes over and I find myself scrolling through more and more pictures.

I see another one where her and the same guy are at a train station and they’re hugging and she’s running her hand through his hair.

Like she does with me.

I scroll through more pictures.

Some people are saying that the pictures are old but then I stop at one picture and I zoom in.

My heart shatters as I see my ring hanging around her neck.


Lily’s POV

“Lily! Wake up! You need to see this.” Ed’s frantic voice wakes me from my nap.

I slowly open my eyes and rub them, trying to clear my vision. But my attention is caught when I hear Harry’s name coming from the TV.

“Cheating scandal or are Harry Styles and his rumoured girlfriend over?”

I look over at the TV, sitting upright in my seat. My heart accelerates as I watch the TV host on the screen. I start to panic, thinking that the news is about me and Marcus.

But then, they show a video of Harry walking out of a restaurant. I’m confused at first but then I feel my stomach drop when I see a beautiful girl come out and walk behind Harry.

My heart breaks in half when I see him take her hand in his.

My world comes crashing down when I see him lean in and place his lips on hers.

I try to stifle my sobs as tears are pooling in my eyes. The pain is radiating from my heart to the rest of my body. I feel it in my fingertips as I take my hand and cover my mouth.

I see Harry bring his hand up and place it on her cheek.

My bracelet in plain sight.

That’s when I run to the bathroom and empty my stomach into the toilet. The pain is too much. I heave all of the food I ate today from my stomach. I hear Ed quickly walking over to me before he takes my hair and pulls it away from my face.

I sob in between each heave and I feel Ed rub my back. He stays silent the whole time and I’m grateful for it.

But I can’t focus on anything except the pain that’s eating away at every inch of my skin. My thoughts are all over the place.

Harry kissing another girl.

Harry cheating on me.

Harry breaking me.

I hear a phone ring and Ed says something that I couldn’t hear over my own thoughts before he gets up and leaves the bathroom. A few seconds later, he comes back with my phone in his hands.

He kneels down beside me. “Lily, it’s Perrie. She wants to talk to you.” He pauses. “She knows.”

I just shake my hand feverishly, unable to form words.

Silence but then he sighs. “Sorry, Perrie. She doesn’t want to talk right now. She’s still in shock. I’ll call you later, alright?...I have no idea why the f*ck he did that…No, don’t bother, I’ll talk to him myself…Alright, thanks…Bye.”

I start to dry heave, as my stomach is now empty. Ed stands up and turns on the sink. He comes back and hands me a glass of water before I take it and drink it in seconds. I place the glass on the floor before I turn to lean against the bathtub. I pull my knees up and hug my arms around them. I bury my face into my legs and I break down once again.

I hear Ed coming and sitting beside me and he puts his arm around my shoulder, pulling me towards him to rest my head against him.

“It hurts, Ed. It hurts so much.”

He doesn’t say anything, he just rubs my arms and holds me tighter.

“Why would he do this to me? He promised, Ed. He promised.” I sniffle. “Why does this keep happening to me? Why me? What did I do to deserve this shit?”

“Shh, shh.”

His attempt at soothing me doesn’t work. It just makes me angrier. Angry at Harry. Angry at myself.

But then, I realize that Ed is just allowing me to vent my thoughts and feelings. So I do.

“He said he would never cheat on me. He said he would never make the same mistake that Marcus made. He invites to me Paris and New York and he does this to me. Why, Ed?”

He takes a deep breath. “I don’t know, Lily. I don’t know. But I promise you that no one will hurt you ever again, including Harry.”

I wish that Ed had the powers to do that. But I know he doesn’t. I know that whatever force keeps coming back to hurt me more and more every time will continue to have fun breaking me when it comes to me loving someone.


I wake up in my bed, not knowing how I got here. I must’ve passed out before Ed carried me here. I stay motionless in bed, unable to find the energy to move. But then I hear my phone receive a text on the table beside me.

I gather as much strength as I can as I reach out and grab my phone. I see a few texts and missed calls from Perrie and a couple of texts from Marcus.

From Marcus:

*Are you okay? I saw the news. Call me*

I find myself clicking on his number before I put my phone into my ear, waiting for him to pick up.

He picks up on the first ring.

“Lily, are you okay?”

It takes a while for my brain to send the message to my mouth to speak.

“No.” My voice sounds dead and quiet.

I hear him sigh. “I’m so sorry, Lily. He’s a f*cking prick.”

I remain silent. I bite my tongue to stop myself from accusing him of doing the exact same thing. And what he did was worse.

But why do I feel more broken from what Harry did?

I realize that I have no more strength to talk to him about this. “Marcus, I have to go. I’ll talk to you later, okay?” I end the sentence in a whisper as I close my eyes.

It’s silent for a few seconds but he finally speaks. “Alright. But, please, call me when you can.”

I nod but then I remember that he can’t see me. “I will.”

“Bye, Lily.”

“Bye.” I end the call and go to my messages to look at Perrie’s texts. Most of them are just asking me to call her. So I click on her number.

“Lily, are you alright?” She answers in the middle of the first ring.

I thought that I had cried everything out but I find my eyes blurring with tears again. I start to cry, feeling the pain wash over my body once again.

“Lily, I’m so sorry.”

I take a shaky breath. “Why did he do this to me?”

I’m beginning to think about every thought that I vented to Ed. It’s been haunting my thoughts ever since.

“I have no idea. But I confronted him and I asked him why he did that?”

My heart leaps in my throat. “What did he say?” I hiccup in the middle of my sentence.

“He…he said ‘why don't you ask Lily’.”

My eyebrows scrunch in confusion. I search and search my thoughts for whatever Harry could mean but I come up with nothing.

“And after that, he just walked away.”

I look over at the clock and see that it’s eight in the morning. I must’ve slept through the whole night.

I hear my phone receive another text.

“Hold on, Perrie. I just got a text.”

I pull my phone away from me and look at the new text.

From Harry:

*We’re over*




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