Change My Mind

I don’t know if I’ll ever love someone as great as Harry so that’s why I never want to forget this feeling. That’s why I’m scared of moving on. I don’t want to forget what it feels like to be in love with Harry Styles, especially the feeling I got when Harry Styles used to love me back.

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39. Mistakes

Lily’s POV

I struggle to breath. It’s like I’m drowning and something’s pulling me down deeper into the water.

The second that I closed that door - no, the second that I parted ways with Harry’s ring - I knew that it was over. There’s no going back. There’s nothing left to hold on to.

I kept that ring around my neck because I felt like it was the only thing I had left that connected me to Harry. I kept it thinking that fate would bring us back together.

Yes, after everything that happened, after every horrible thing we did to each other, I still loved him and I still wanted to be with him.

Do I not love him anymore?

I don’t know.

But, more importantly, it doesn’t matter. He’s moved on and he said he doesn't know if he loves me anymore.

If he still loved me, he would’ve said it when I asked him.

My only intention in coming here was to tell him the truth about Marcus and the funeral. I never thought that we would be saying half of the things that we said.

I didn’t plan on confessing my love for him and I regret it because all I got from it was more heartbreak and rejection. I just made a fool of myself with my outburst.

Even if Harry didn’t have a girlfriend, even if he didn’t move on, even if we had both still loved each other, I know that we wouldn’t have worked out. No matter how much we tried, we didn’t work. We didn’t trust each other enough, which is something that keeps relationships together. And since we didn’t have it, our relationship fell apart.

I surprised myself hoping that Harry would leave Ivana for me. That was not my intention for coming here but as we talked, as we made our confessions, as I looked into his eyes, I felt the need to have him back in my life. But he didn’t leave her for me, he doesn’t love me, he doesn’t want me back. So that’s why I gave him his ring back, that’s why I told him to never speak to me again, that I never wanted to see him anymore.

If I can’t have him then I don’t want anything that will remind me of him. It hurts too much. It hurts to see him with her. It hurts knowing that I can never have back what we had.

It’s either I have him or I have nothing of him at all. There’s no in between. I don’t think I can bear seeing him, hearing his voice, being in his presence after everything we’ve been through.

The only way I can move on is to cut all ties with him.

I have to move on.

I need to move on.

I finally take in my surroundings. I realize that I’m still standing in Harry’s front porch. I have no ride home. I start to panic thinking that I left my purse in Harry’s house and that I would have to go back in there and get it but then I hear a vibrating near my foot. I look down and see my purse on the ground. I must have dropped it when I fell through the door.

I pick it up and fish my phone from the bottom of my clutch. I look at the caller ID and see that Ed was calling me.

I answer it and put the phone up to my ear.

“Ed?” I squeak. My voice is shaking and I’m still trying to catch my breath and before I know it, I’m crying again.

“Lily, the driver told me he dropped you off at Harry’s. What happened?”

“I…I just…can you just come get me? Please?” I sob.

“What happened?”

I start to blubber, unable to form coherent sentences.

“Okay, okay. I’ll come get you. Just wait for me there. I’ll be there in five minutes.”

He hangs up the phone and I finally force my legs to walk out to the front of Harry’s driveway, through the gate. Luckily, there are no paparazzi to catch me in my current state. They’d have a field day if they got pictures of me crying in front of Harry’s house.

Five excruciatingly long minutes later, I see the same driver rolling up beside me. I see Ed through the front window, looking at me with wide eyes before he steps out of the car and walks over to me.

A sob escapes me as I walk up to him and wrap my arms around him. He holds me tight and allows me to have my breakdown in silence.

I’m crying the hardest I’ve ever cried in my life and Ed just runs his hand through my hair, soothing me. I can hear him whisper ‘shh’ into my ear repeatedly and I just allow myself to cry away the pain.

But it doesn’t disappear. The pain is still inside of me, burning me from the inside out. It’s stronger than ever and I just want anything to make it go away.

Once I’m left to just sniffles, Ed pulls back and looks at me. Sadness, worry, sympathy and pity fill his eyes before it’s filled with anger and hostility.

“Lily, I want you to wait in the car.”

My eyebrows scrunch in confusion. “What…what do you mean?”

“I want you to wait for me in the car. I’ll take you home and we’ll talk about what happened but I’m just going to have a little talk with Harry.”

I shake my head. “No. There’s no point. Please don’t do this.”

His jaw hardens and he dismisses my pleas as he turns around and rings the buzzer to call Harry from the intercom.

Ed pushes the button repeatedly until Harry answers.

“Lily?” His voice is laced with pain, longing, anticipation and hope but I don’t allow myself to feel sorry for him.

“No, you prick. Open this f*cking door right now!”

“Ed, just leave it! Let’s just go!” I grab his arm but he wrenches it from my grasp and pushes the button again.

“Open the door!” he yells.

A few seconds later, we hear a buzz and then a click before Ed rams through the gate and storms up to Harry’s front door.

“Lily, I told you to wait in the car.” He’s seething as he looks at me over his shoulder. The fury in his eyes is enough to stop me in my tracks and I reluctantly turn around and make my way back to the car.

**

Harry’s POV

I open the front door and see Ed storming up to me. I look over his shoulder and see Lily walking away. I’m tempted to push through Ed and run after her but she disappears out of sight. All I can see now is Ed right in front of me before he grabs me by the collar of my shirt and slams me against the wall.

“What did you f*cking say to her?!” he yells in my face.

Yes, I’m frightened right now but I deserve it.

I’m too scared to speak, scared of what he’ll do to me if he finds out what happened so I keep my mouth shut.

“Oh, so now you have nothing to say! You know what? I don’t care what you have to say. I just came here to let you know that you better watch your f*cking back. I warned you. I f*cking warned you to stay away from her because I knew that this shit would happen. And then I made you promise not to hurt her once I found out that you two were together. I told you that you would regret it if you didn’t treat her right. I warned you and you did the only thing that I didn’t want to happen to her. You hurt her. You took the only thing you know that’s broken her before and you used it against her. Are you proud of yourself?”

As Ed screams it in my face, I finally realize how low I was for what I did. I did take the only thing that I knew had practically killed her inside and used it against her. I know how broken she was after she was cheated on by Marcus and I am actually disgusted with myself for hitting her with the same blow.

I’m a horrible person. I’m a low-life.

“You saw some pictures from a stupid tabloid and you immediately assume that she’s cheating on you? Did you get want you wanted? You wanted her to suffer again after she was finally able to move on from Marcus? You’re pathetic. I honestly thought that you were good for her but you’ve proven me wrong. I never want you to come near her again, you hear me? You are never to speak to her anymore. If you do, I won’t hesitate to break your nose. You understand me?”

I gulp as I stare into the anger flashing in his eyes.

He pulls on my shirt and slams me against the wall again. “You got it?!”

I nod my head feverishly and he immediately lets go of me and turns around.

“Just…I’m sorry, okay!” I yell after him but he doesn’t stop to listen. “Just tell her I’m sorry!”

“Go to hell!” He walks through the gate, slamming it behind him before I hear a car door open and close. A few seconds later, I hear the sound of a car driving away.

I straighten my shirt and slowly make my way back inside my house. I sit down on the couch and let everything sink in.

I made a big mistake hurting her.

I made a huge mistake for letting her go.

I made the biggest mistake for not fighting for her.

I should have fought for her. Why the hell did I just stand there and let her walk away?

I should have stopped her and told her that I do still love her. I never stopped, not even for a second. Even when my world fell apart when I thought that she cheated on me, I still loved her. While I was in New York, I missed her. I wished that I had just talked to her instead of sending her that pathetic text.

I should have kissed her, knowing that it would take away all of the pain that still resides in my body.

I should have told her how sorry I was for every horrible thing that I did to her. I don’t even care about what she did anymore. She had the courage to come to me to tell me the truth. She said that I deserved to know. She had the decency to come and talk to me.

As for me, I was a coward. I didn’t let her explain when I saw those pictures. I didn’t talk to her when I came home from New York. I avoided her because I was a coward.

And the part that I regret the most is telling her that I moved on. I am far from it. If anything, I’ve fallen deeper than I have ever been before.

I should have ran after her and told her that I still love her with everything I have.

And I should have told her that Ivana means nothing to me. All she is is a PR stunt. After I found those pictures of Lily and Marcus, I went to my manager to set up the deal. I signed a contract that condemned me to hell. I’m supposed to be in a “relationship” with Ivana for an indefinite length of time. Ivana was chosen as my fake girlfriend because apparently she was some up and coming model. I know nothing about her except that and her name. I can’t even pronounce her last name.

I did it because I was angry with Lily for what she did. I wanted to get back at her.

I was being irrational and compulsive. I didn’t think before my actions. I didn’t think it though.

And the second that I saw the pictures of Ivana and I on the Internet, I was disappointed and disgusted with myself, not only because of how much it hurt Lily but how I have to live with this for the rest of my life. Once the lads find out, Ed, my mum, my stepdad, my sister, they will be so disappointed in me. This is unlike me. I would never do anything like this.

I would’ve broken up with her already because there is nothing about her that I like one bit. She’s conceited and superficial, nothing like Lily. Ivana does nothing for me. When we kiss, I feel nothing, and sometimes, it feels like I’m still cheating on Lily.

I kissed Ivana at that club because I saw Ashton whispering in her ear, making her laugh. And it killed me when I saw her touch him. Something erupted inside of me and I made another irrational decision to kiss her in front of everyone. I’m not one who likes PDA so that made me regret that move even more.

However, I can’t break up with her because of the contract. I have to stay with her or Ivana’s lawyers could sue me and put a bad word against my name when it comes to other business.

Luckily, I only have to pretend to be in a relationship with Ivana in front of the media. But really, the media is everywhere I go. I only have my peace when I’m here at home or if I chill at one of the lads’ houses.

Ivana was too much at the Brit Awards. She knows about me and Lily so I knew that she was trying to intimidate Lily and make her jealous. I wanted to stop her but there were cameras all around us.

I loathe every second that I have to be with her. I’m supposed to make appearances with her out in public at least once a week and that’s one day out of a week too many.

I just want her to disappear. I want my life back.

I want Lily back.

I finally realize how much tonight has drained me and I’m too tired to go back up to my room to sleep.

It’s almost four in the morning and I have had no sleep. So I decide to sleep the rest of the night on the couch. I lay down, resting my head on the arm of the couch. I turn towards the back of the couch, trying to get comfortable but then I feel a wave of pain run through me when I bury my face into the throw pillow. The one that Lily was hugging when I went to get her a glass of water. The scent of her perfume still lingers and I find myself pulling it closer to me, letting it soothe me enough to pull me under into a restless sleep.

**

Lily’s POV

The second that I walk through the door, I quickly make my way to my room and grab my suitcase from the closet. I put it on my bed and open it. Yanking my clothes off of the hangers carelessly, I throw them in my suitcase.

Ed appears at the doorway and looks between my frazzled appearance and my slowly filling suitcase.

“Lily…what are you doing?”

I’m crying again but it’s only tears flowing down my face. I don’t stop pulling my clothes out of the closet, not even bothering to pick up the hangers that fall to the ground.

“I…I have to get out of here. I can’t be here any longer.” However, my actions contradict my words as I find myself stopping and sitting on the edge of the bed.

Ed comes to sit beside me and put his arm around me. “You can’t always run away from your problems, Lily.”

He’s right. I always run. I ran here after Marcus cheated on me. I ran away from Harry when we first started dating because I was scared to fall in love again. And now I’m planning to run away from Harry again because of everything that happened.

“It hurts too much, Ed. I can’t take it anymore.”

He runs his hand along my arm. “I know but what are you going to do when you go back home? Your parents are gone. I wouldn’t want you to be there alone to deal with all of this. I’m here for you. I always will. Don’t leave.”

He’s right again. I want to run away but where would I go? I have no one to talk to back home and I know that I will lose myself with the loneliness. And I have friends here. I have Eleanor and Perrie. They’ve been with me the entire time since I’ve started dating Harry. I can’t leave them like this.

However, I don’t think I can leave the one sitting beside me this very moment. One of the most important people in my life doesn’t deserve me leaving after everything he’s done for me. The second that I came here, he’s been nothing but supportive and caring. Even though our friendship was strong, I felt that our time here has strengthened it even more.

I’d regret it if I left him because of my problems.

“Why doesn’t anyone want me?” I blurt out, knowing that he can tell from the fact that I’m no longer haphazardly throwing clothes into my suitcase, that I’m not going anywhere, I’m not running away.

 “That’s not true, Lily. Absolutely not true.”

I sniffle. “Then why does this keep happening to me? I fall in love and all I get back is me getting hurt.”

The movement of his hand along my arm stops abruptly.

“You loved him?”

I guess I left that part out when I told Ed everything on the car ride home from Harry’s.

I just nod against his shoulder. He sighs before he continues his previous action of running his hand along my arm.

“Well, now I definitely have to break his face in.”

I smile briefly but it disappears as quickly as it came. I know that he’s just trying to make me feel better but even if I won $100 million, I still wouldn’t even be a tiny bit happy.

I know Ed’s trying hard to comfort me and I just really want to sleep and not think about anything.

“Maybe I should give up on love and become a nun.”

I hear him chuckle but all I can muster is a small smile.

“I would be okay with that…but I know that you’ll find the one soon. And that person will make you forget about all of the pain you’ve felt from the pricks who never deserved you. You’ll find the one that will show you what true love is. He’ll give you the love that you deserve.”

I feel a tiny bit of hope grow inside of me at Ed’s words but then I remind myself that love doesn’t come easy. I might find the one but who knows when. It could be next week, it could be a year from now, it could even be 10 years from now. I just know that what I have to work on right now is to mend my broken heart and move on.

I feel my eyes getting heavy as they close. “Can you stay here with me tonight?”

I don’t think I can handle being alone right now. I need something to remind me that this isn’t the end of the world. It’s just a bump in the road - a really, big bump that caused me to stumble and fall to the ground. I’m crawling now and finding a way to get back up and move forward.

“Of course.” Ed releases him arm from me and I walk around the bed and lie down underneath the covers. Ed stays on top of the blanket but moves right beside me and extends his arm out to let me rest my head on his chest. I hug my arms around him and he rests his free hand on his stomach.

I close my eyes and feel my muscles relax. The alcohol is wearing off now and I’m not looking forward to the hangover that I will for sure have in the morning.

I feel Ed kiss the top of my head before he holds me tighter.

“Good night, Lily.”

“Good night.”

I’m about to pass out but I realize that there’s something else that I need to say to him that I don’t say enough.

“Thank you…for everything.”

He just squeezes my arm lightly in response and that’s the last thing that I remember before I’m fast asleep.

 

*************************************

 

Wahhh who else imagined the part with Harry hugging the pillow and cried like I did??? :'(

Sooo I just wanted to thank everyone who's liked and commented for far! I really really appreciate it. A lot of hard work goes into each chapter and I do it for you guys :)

Please continue to like and comment. They make me smile every time :) Oh and they motivate me to write and post ;)

Anyways, thanks for reading.

I probably won't be able to update until Friday cause of summer school but if I have time I'll post sooner.

15 comments before I post the next chapter! (the comments have to be about the chapter tooo)

Another way to get you guys to be more interested in reading my story on Wattpad. I will be keeping track of who votes for each of my chapters on there. I can see who votes so if you do vote for as many chapters as you can, I'm going to choose a few of you guys to have small parts in my future stories!

That's it for now. Love you guys <3

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