Change My Mind

I don’t know if I’ll ever love someone as great as Harry so that’s why I never want to forget this feeling. That’s why I’m scared of moving on. I don’t want to forget what it feels like to be in love with Harry Styles, especially the feeling I got when Harry Styles used to love me back.


123. Circles

Decided to update because Infinity


Lily's POV

"I don't think I can do this anymore, Harry."

Is that...Collin?

Utter confusion washes over me, my eyebrows furrowing as I continue to listen. Why the hell are Harry and Collin talking? And privately in a room?

They only just met yesterday.

"She's starting to get suspicious," he continues.

"No, she isn't," Harry replies. "You're fine. You have nothing to worry about."

What the hell are they talking about? Are they talking about me?

"I don't feel comfortable doing this anymore. Can't you just tell her?"

I know for sure that they're talking about me now. There's no one else that they would be talking about like this.

I continue to listen and the next words that come out of Harry's mouth hit me like a ton of bricks.

"And how do you think she's going to react? 'Hey, Lily. I hired Collin to be your personal bodyguard to watch over you while I'm on tour'."


My eyes widen, a silent gasp catching in my throat.

Harry hired Collin to be my bodyguard? Why? Since when?

More and more questions start forming in my head and I know that, no matter what, I'm going to get answers from Harry himself.

I hear Collin sigh, snapping me out of my thoughts.

"She's a great person, Harry. I feel so guilty for doing this. She's an independent girl. I honestly think she doesn't need a bodyguard. The only time something bad happened was at that party. Other than that, nothing happened."

So he was watching over me since the party. No wonder he was so worried about me after they found me. As I look back to that day, I start to remember more things.

I remember him asking me if I was going to that party. I remember telling him that I was and then when I had asked him, he had said, "Now that you're going, I definitely have to go".

I had thought he had said that because he was flirting with me when in reality, he had said it because he was getting paid to watch over me.

"Look. I'll be the judge of whether she needs a bodyguard or not. If you don't want to do this, then I'll just find someone else."

So many things from those sentences are just plain wrong. I honestly can't believe him right now.

"Can you at least think about telling her?" Collin asks. "I can still watch over her even if you tell her. Maybe she'll understand."

"She definitely won't understand. This is one of the things that we constantly fight about. She can't know."

I grow angrier and angrier at each passing second. I want to barge in there and yell at him but I want to find out what else he has to say.

Harry sighs. "Okay. Since I'm going to be around here for the next couple of months, I guess you don't have to watch over much. I'll think about it."

"So you're really not going to tell her? She deserves to know."

I've heard enough. I slam the door open, letting it hit the wall with a loud thud. Both of them snap their heads at me, pure horror spreading across their faces.

I take a couple of steps inside the room and cross my arms.

"Don't worry, Collin. Harry just told me himself."

Harry's mouth opens and closes, no words coming out. I never take my eyes off of him, wanting him to feel the guilt that he deserves.

"Collin, can you give Harry and I some privacy, please?"

I see him fidget from the corner of my eyes.

"Look, Lily. I'm really sorr--"

"We'll talk about it later. Just go."

I didn't know whether I should be angry with Collin or not. He was just "doing his job". I don't know how things went for him since he was first hired to be my bodyguard. I don't know how long he's felt the guilt of hiding this from me.

As much as I want to know, I know that there is a much bigger problem I need to deal with right now and that problem is still looking back at me with worry and fear.

"I'm sorry," Collin quickly mutters before he rushes past me and closes the door behind him, leaving Harry and I in a tension-filled silence.

I grit my teeth, holding back some of my anger, knowing that if I start yelling right now, I won't be able to gather all of my thoughts properly.

"Explain right now, Harry. No bullshit. Tell me the truth."

I watch as he gulps, his fingers fiddling with his rings.

"I...I hired Collin your bodyguard while...while I was away on tour."

"Since when?" I ask monotonously, not letting a second pass by.

I can see him get more and more nervous under my gaze, catching his gaze falter a few times.

"Since we had that fight about Ed sleeping on your bed when he visited you."

"So you hired me a bodyguard because of Ed?"

"No. It-it wasn't because of Ed. It was because you were going back to school and...and I was going on tour. And we had just had that fight before you left London."

I release an angry breath. "I can't believe you. This whole time you said that you were working on your were lying to me? You had me believing that you were really trying but you went behind my back and hired someone to watch over me?"

I wait for him to say anything but he just remains silent.

"When we had that fight after I had told you I was having lunch with Leo, you said that were going to work on your jealousy but...that was all bullshit, wasn't it? You just said that to shut me up because you were sitting there happy with the fact that someone was watching over me."

"Of course not. That's not how it was. I..."

He trails off, looking away.

"You what?" Again, I wait for an answer but I don't get anything. "Why did you do this anyways? I never thought you would do this."

"I didn't know what else to do."

"Well, for one, you could've told me. Or you could've just not done it in the first place."

"I just wanted to make sure you were safe."

I scoff and shake my head. "You still don't get it, do you? You can't always be there to protect me."

"I just wanted to try as best as I could! This was the best way I could think of!"

I can tell he's getting frustrated now. I'm not sure whether he's upset for me finding out or because he knows he's the one in the wrong.

"Do you even know how humiliating it is to find out that someone you thought was just a friend was actually someone secretly watching over you? Someone that was hired by the one person you trust the most? Do you see how stupid that makes me look?"

"No one else knows. Only Collin."

"Oh, okay. That makes me feel so much better," I say with sarcasm. "I can't believe you would do this. This is taking your jealousy to a whole new level. Now I know why were so calm about Collin always being around me. And...and that's why you knew that I was having lunch with Leo. And that's why you said that Collin wasn't even supposed to let me out of his sight at that party."

The pieces are finally coming together but it doesn't make me feel any better.

"How am I supposed to trust you now? How am I supposed to feel safe around people? Are there other things you lied about? Are there other people you hired to watch over me?"

"You can always trust me, Lily. I...I know I shouldn't have done it but I couldn't help it. I just wanted you safe."

"You mean, you just wanted to make sure that guys wouldn't try anything on me. I guess what we have just wasn't enough for you, huh?"

"I'm sorry," he mutters.

"Are you sorry for doing it or for me finding out?" I pause to let him answer but he keeps his mouth shut. "Were you ever going to tell me? Were you going to have him watch me for the rest of my life? God, I wouldn't even be surprised if you put a hidden camera in my room."

"You know I wouldn't go that far."

"Hiring me a bodyguard is going far, Harry. You're delusional if you can't see that."

"I won't have him watch over you anymore. I promise."

"Good. Because I wouldn't have let him."

Silence washes over us, our gazes glued to each other but no one saying a word.

I don't know what else to say. I don't even know what to think. Yes, I'm pissed but I'm not exactly sure how much.

He lied to me, for almost two months now. He kept this from me and I don't even know if he had any intention on ever telling me. If I hadn't overheard him and Collin, who knows if I would've ever found out. That thought sickens me, the fact that Collin, who I just saw as an innocent friend, is actually a bodyguard hired to watch over me.

"I'm sorry, Lily. I really am. I really was working on my jealousy. I guess having him watch over you made it a bit easier for me. But I really was working on it."

I observe him to see if he's lying but I can't really tell. He lied to me for two months and I never had any suspicions.

"How do I know you're not lying right now?"

His face falls as he takes in my words, like they actually physically hurt him. I know that trust had been an issue with us before and the fact that I'm throwing it in his face right now might not be what he wants to hear right now.

"I'm not lying, Lily." His eyes plead with me, desperate to make me believe him. "Lily?"

I sigh, looking down at the ground. "I...I need some time to think."

Seconds tick by but I can practically feel Harry's gaze on me. I can feel his mind working as he takes in my words and the meaning behind them.

We've done this before so I know he's aware of what to expect.

"Lily. Please, don't do this right now."

I shake my head slightly. "I need to, Harry."

Not giving him the chance to stop me, I turn around and leave the room. I walk quickly down the hallway and towards the coat check. I can hear his footsteps behind me the entire time, which I expected.

I ask the woman behind the counter for my coat and my clutch and when she hands it to me, I turn around as I put on my coat.

"Where are you going?" he asks, worry present on his features.

"I'm just going to go for a walk. I need some air."

"I'm going with you."

I shake my head, picking up my clutch. "I just want to be alone right now. And you have a party."

I look inside my clutch, making sure I have everything but then realize I'm missing something.

I look up at Harry. "Can I have my phone?"

He shakes his head. "No. I'm not letting you leave."

I narrow my eyes at him, looking at him in disbelief. "I'm leaving here whether I have my phone or not. Just take a second to think whether it's better for me to leave here with or without it."

I don't care whether I have it. I just need to get out of here. I need some air. I need some quiet. It'll be on him if I leave here without my phone and something happens.

He seems to arrive to this fact because his face falls and he slowly hands me my phone. I grab it from him and walk past him, not letting him have another word.

I leave the room, closing the door behind me and let the volume of the music lessen tremendously. I lean back against the door and close my eyes. With the near silence now surrounding me, it lets some of my thoughts take centre stage in my head. Those thoughts happen to be the ones that finally make my eyes water.

I jump slightly when I hear someone clearing their throat. I open my eyes and look up at one of the bodyguards. And when I blink my tears away, I notice that it's Tom.

"Is everything okay, Lily?"

I force a smile on my lips and nod. "Yes, I'm fine. Thank you, Tom."

I slowly walk past him towards the elevator, trying to hold back my tears. I wait for the elevator and I step inside as soon as it arrives. I take it to the ground floor, wiping my eyes just as the door opens.

I take two steps into the lobby and I freeze in my spot when I look up and see flashes coming in through the windows. Of course paparazzi would still be here. All of the boys are here. That's bound to attract some media desperate to get a shot of them.

I can't go out there. Even if I make it out, some of them are bound to follow me.

So, I turn around and make my way back to the elevator. I have no idea where to go. I can't go back up to that party and I can't afford to even rent a room here.

So, the next best thing is to message someone.

I decide to text El.

*Hey, El. Sorry to bother you but could you meet me by the elevator? And could you bring your room key?*

I head back up to the penthouse floor and wait just outside for El.

She comes out a few seconds later, looking at me with concern.

"Is everything okay?" she asks as soon as she reaches me.

I force another smile on my face as I nod. "Yeah. I...I had a fight with Harry."

Her face falls. "Oh, hun. I'm so sorry. Did you want to talk about it?"

I shake my head. "Not right now. I just need some peace and quiet to think. it okay if I stay in your room for a while? I promise I'll leave as soon as you and Lou come back."

"Of course. No problem at all," she says as she goes into her clutch and takes out her key card. She hands it to me and sighs. "No wonder Harry's so out of it right now."

I want to ask her what she means but I force myself to resist.

"Thanks, El," I say, ignoring her last statement. "I'll...I'll see you later."

She gives me a small smile, giving my hand a light squeeze as I press the button. It opens right away and I step inside and turn around to face her.

"We'll talk later, okay? I have to go back in there and give Harry the death glare."

A quiet chuckle escapes my lips as I smile at her. I can always trust El to cheer me up, even just a little bit.

I wave to her as the door closes and the second that it shuts, I immediately feel the weight of everything resting on my shoulders once again.

I take deep breaths as I go down a couple of floors to El's floor, stepping out when the doors open and start looking for her room.

I open it as soon as I find it and I take off my shoes and throw my coat and clutch on the bed before I make my way out to the balcony. I let the crisp air cool my skin, my mind not even letting it bother me. I sit down on one of the couches and stare out at the night sky.

My phone receives a text and I look at it and see that it's from Harry.

*I'm so sorry. Please, we need to talk. Where are you?"*

I know he must be worried out of his mind, wondering where I am. I don't want him to know where I am but I don't want him to worry. So, I decide to send him a reply.

*I'm okay, Harry. I'm somewhere safe. We'll talk later. I just need some time alone.*

I leave it at that. I put my phone on silent, knowing that I should expect another text from him.

I look back out at the sky, hoping to get my thoughts straight. I came here to think but at the same time, I don't have the energy to.

I try to look at it through Harry's perspective but I still don't find myself going as far as to hire a bodyguard to watch over him if we had switched places. I trust him enough to know that he would never do anything with another girl.

I know that he did it because he doesn't trust other people with me but there are other ways to deal with that that doesn't involve having someone watching over me.

It completely took away my sense of dignity and free will. Someone was making sure that nothing happened to me. As thankful I am for that, I don't like that it was kept a secret from me. I like knowing that I can take care of myself, that I can make my own choices and my own mistakes. But that was taken away from me, from someone I trusted more than anyone else.

I was so proud of him when I thought that he was really working on his jealousy, especially since it was for me. Of course I can't help but think he also said that just to make me stay with him. Of course I wouldn't have left him for that reason but I feel like I was just played. I felt like my feelings weren't taken seriously when it came to how his jealousy got to me.

I thought he finally trusted me to fend for myself, to protect myself when guys would try stuff on me. I know that the party where the guy forced himself on me really opened my eyes to the danger out there but I didn't want to be treated like a child every time I go out.

I learned from that traumatic experience. I know not to be gullible and trust people I don't know at parties. I know to always stay with someone that I know.

My punishment shouldn't be having someone watch over me. I learned my lesson. It doesn't mean I need a bodyguard.

I also remember the promise that Harry and I made to each other, to communicate and always be honest with each other. I told him about all of the guys that I befriended since I first came back to school. I told him about what had happened at the party. I told him the insecurity I felt about how other girls are with him. I told him everything.

All I expected was his honesty in return.

I didn't get that.

I was lied to for two months. That thought alone makes me question everything else. The fact that I can't trust him when it comes to his honesty, what am I supposed to think?

A million thoughts bombard me with that question and with those thoughts, tears build up in my eyes.

He was worried that I would leave him while he was on tour and I reassured him that I would never do that. I gave myself to him for the first time just so he would believe that.

He still didn't feel stable with our relationship so he gave me a bodyguard.

The tears finally fall and I lean forward in my seat, resting my elbows on my knees and burying my face in my hands.

I cry silently, letting my screaming thoughts force the tears down my face. My thoughts go in circles. I think about what Harry did. I think about how it makes me feel. I think about what I want. I think about forgiving him. But then I think about everything all over again, quickly pushing forgiveness out of the question.

I don't know how long I sit like this, letting my thoughts continue to go in circles.

It feels like hours have passed when I hear a door opening and someone sitting beside me on the couch. I feel a warm hand wrap around my shoulders and I know right away that it's not Harry.

I've memorized his touch, his smell. I've even memorized the feeling of his presence.

I know it's not Harry even before they speak.

"What happened?" Louis asks.

He pulls me closer and I accept it because he's so warm.

"Love, you're freezing. How long have you been out here?"

I only notice now how cold I am. I'm only wearing my dress, nothing else as I sit out here in the fall weather. My thoughts seemed to have taken over my other senses.

"I...I don't know."

He suddenly pulls away and I look over and see him shrugging off his coat and handing it to me.

"Here. Wear this."

I put it on, letting the warmth still present from his body heat spread around my body. He places his arm around my shoulder once again, pulling me against him.

"Did you know?" I ask.

He rubs my arm. "Know what?"

I know that Harry and Louis tell each other everything. I just wasn't sure if Harry had told Louis about this.

"Did you know about Harry hiring a bodyguard to watch over me? And keeping it a secret and having him pretend to be my friend?"

He hands freezes. "He did what?"

I guess he didn't know.

I just nod against his shoulder, not knowing where to even start.

"Why?" he asks.

I explain to him what Harry had said when I asked him this same question and when I explain everything, I sit in silence for Louis' reaction.

"I'm so sorry, Lily. I can't believe he would do that."

I sniffle. "Me, neither."

"Are you going to talk to him?"

I sigh. I knew this question was coming. "Yeah, I know I have to."

He starts to rub my arm again. "I think you should, too, even if it's just so you can set him straight. As much as I love him, I know when to realize that what he did was wrong."

"So I'm not being unreasonable or overdramatic?"

"Of course not. You have every right to feel this way. Let me just ask you something."

I just wait in silence for him to continue.

"Are you more upset that he hired you a bodyguard or that he lied to you?"

Immediately, my mind battles between the two options. At first, I was angry with him for hiring me someone to watch over me like I was a child. However, as I thought more and more about the entire situation, I realize I was angrier, even disappointed, at Harry for lying to me for such a long time.

I was angry with Harry for making me think that he was working on his jealousy, working on our relationship to compromise with an issue that continued to get in between us.

I was angry with him for making me feel like he can just say anything to make me believe that he cares about my feelings.

"You don't have to tell me your answer," Louis says. "I just want you to keep it in your mind when you talk to him."

I sigh and pull away, looking up at him.

"Since when did you get all deep and philosophical?"

Louis chuckles and nudges me with his shoulder. He's right, though. I should really be keeping in mind the real reason why I'm angry with Harry. I know it'll be important for me to get this through to him when I talk to him.

"Are you going to talk to him now?" he asks.

I sigh. "Is he still at the party?"

"Yeah. He's totally out of it right now, though. I just came down here to see if you were okay. El told me you were here."

I give him a small smile and nod. "Thank you, Lou. I appreciate. And thank you...for your advice. I, um...I think I'll just wait for him back at his place."

He nods. "Did you need a ride? I'll have someone drive you there."

"Yeah, sure. If it's not too much trouble."

"Of course not. I'll go down with you and find someone."

Both of us stand up and I grab my phone before we go back inside the room. I take off his coat, handing it to him before I take mine and put it on. I grab my clutch and meet Louis by the door before we leave and head to the ground floor.

Louis is able to find me a driver right away and I'm thankful because I just want to take off this dress and lie down.

"Did you want me to tell him where you'll be?" he asks.

"It's alright. I don't want to put you in the middle of this. I'll just text him when I get there."

He nods, giving me an understanding smile. "Alright. Text me as well when you get there."

I nod and then step forward to give him a hug. "I will. Thank you, again."

"No worries."

I give him one last wave before I turn around and head towards the front door. A security guard leads the way, keeping the crowd at a safe distance until I reach the car. I quickly step inside and he closes the door behind me.

He hops inside the driver's seat and drives out of the crowd and onto the road. I sit in silence as I take out my phone. I take a deep breath before I turn it on and see multiple texts. Some from El asking me if I'm okay, a couple from Louis asking me if he could talk to me, a few from the other girls asking me where I was, and then multiple ones from Harry.

I go through them, his texts consisting of him asking me where I am, if I was going back to the party, if I was going home with him tonight, and the rest asking me to call him.

I force myself to wait until I get to his house. I thank the driver and I let myself in with the spare key that Harry had given me before he left for tour.

I head up to his room, taking my bag and bringing it to the guest room across from his. I don't know how tonight's going to go. I guess I should stay here in case things don't go well.

I take a quick shower and change into Harry's black shirt since it's the only one that I had packed. I'm glad I packed a pair of shorts so I put them on before I brush my teeth and head to bed.

It's only midnight but I'm already tired and I don't even know when the party will end. I know that Harry wants nothing more than to leave the party but he's the host and he knows that he can't leave so early.

I turn off the lamp and get more comfortable in my spot before I grab my phone and finally decide to text him before I try to get some sleep.

*Hey, Harry. I'm here at your place. I'll wait for you here so we can talk. We can talk also tomorrow if it's too late or you're tired.*

I place my phone on the bed beside me and close my eyes. However, just like I expected, my phone receives a text.

I pick it up and read the message from Harry.

*I'm glad you're safe. I'll try to get out of here as soon as I can. Get some sleep and we'll talk tomorrow.*

I try not to get his sweet words get through to me. I know that if I do, it'll soften me up and I'll forgive him too fast.

I'm about to put my phone away but I receive another text.

*Again, I'm so sorry. I love you so much*

I resist the temptation to reply to him, to tell him that I love him, but I know that it'll just make him think that I'm not angry with him anymore. He knows that I love him but he needs to know that I'm not happy with him right now.

I slide my phone under the pillow next to the one I'm laying on and close my eyes. I know that sleep won't come easy tonight, especially knowing that Harry will be home sometime soon.

However, with the day I had, I'm somehow able to fall asleep after what feels like an hour.

I go into one of those light sleeps, where I'm half awake, half asleep. After what feels like two hours of restlessness, I wake as I feel the bed dip behind me. I pretend to still be asleep as I feel Harry slip under the covers and lie down behind me, pressing his front flush against my back, his legs curling right against the back of mine, and his arm wrapping around my waist, pulling me closer to him.

I try to keep my breaths even, not wanting him to know that I'm awake. I don't have the energy to have our talk. I think that the both of us prefer to have it tomorrow.

I know that I should be pushing him away, telling him to go sleep in his own bed to let me sleep alone tonight but I can't. I feel too comfortable with him here. This is normal for us now so I can't bring myself to kick him out, especially now that I can feel his warmth completely surrounding me.

I feel his breath tickle the back of my neck and then I feel his lips press lightly on my skin.

"I love you so much," he mutters against my neck.

I'm not sure if he said that because he knows I'm awake or if he was just saying it in hopes that it'll get through to me as he thinks that I'm sleeping.

He tightens his arm around me and presses another kiss on my shoulder before he mutters a few more words.

"Please don't leave me," he whispers. "Don't leave me. Don't..."

His words trail off and I'm not sure why. I hold back my tears, afraid to make even one little sound.

His presses his face into my hair and I feel his nose brush against the back of my neck. He keeps it there until I feel his breathing even out. He falls asleep before I do and just like before Harry came home, I go into another restless sleep.


I love/hate writing sad parts. They're exciting to write but so so sad. Please let me know what you think. Are you on Harry's side or Lily's? Do you understand why Harry did what he did?

Please comment and vote! 40 votes and 15 comments. I'm going to start only updating when the chapters reach the goals that I set. They're not that high tbh. They usually reach that goal anyways after I post a new chapter.

Still giving Liam solo DMs away so comment and I'll pick one of you guys :)

Thanks for reading! Love you guys <3


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