Change My Mind

I don’t know if I’ll ever love someone as great as Harry so that’s why I never want to forget this feeling. That’s why I’m scared of moving on. I don’t want to forget what it feels like to be in love with Harry Styles, especially the feeling I got when Harry Styles used to love me back.


73. Apologies

Lily’s POV

“El!” I yell into the dark flat as I walk in, my hand clasped with Harry’s. No answer.

“I don’t think they’re back yet,” Harry says as I turn on the living room light. I lead the way to the kitchen and Harry places our food from the restaurant on the counter. I reluctantly let go of his hand to get us cutlery and a bottle of water before I sit down beside him.

“I’m starving.” Harry opens his food and immediately digs in.

I shake my head with a smile and dig into my food. I look over and see Harry completely devouring his food.

I laugh. “Slow down there.”

He quickly chews the food in his mouth and swallows. “I just want to finish eating so I can spend more time with you.”

“We are spending time together,” I say, waving my fork back and forth in between us.

“I know but…but I meant I want to hold you and…and kiss you and talk. Just like we did before.”

I smile and place my fork down before I turn in my seat and face him. I place arms around him and pull him closer.

“Don’t worry, we have tonight and all day tomorrow. No need to rush.”

He replies with a small smile and I reply by placing my lips on his.

I pull away. “And I happen to care about my digestive system so I’m going to eat like a lady.”

I sit back in my seat and start eating again. I decide to take really small bites just to annoy him and I know I was successful because Harry finishes the rest of his in two more bites and then he starts eating mine.

“Hey, that’s mine!” I laugh.

“Well, you better eat faster or I’m going to eat it all!” He takes another bite and he’s about to take another but I pull my food out of his reach.

“Alright, alright!” I continue to laugh and turn my back to him so he can’t get any more of my food.

I feel him snake his arms around me from behind as he watches me finish the rest of my food. As soon as I take the last bite, Harry takes the empty containers and the utensils.

“All finished? I’ll clean up.”

He throws out the garbage and then actually washes the utensils. When he finishes, he turns around and I look at him with a raised eyebrow.

“What was that?” I ask.

He quickly makes his way around the counter and takes my hand. He pulls me out of my seat and leads me to the living room. I sit down after him and cuddle up right next to him.

“I just want to relax right now.” He places a kiss on my forehead and pulls me closer to him. “And…there’s something I want to ask you.”

I tilt my head up and look at him. “What is it?”

He clears his throat. “I was just wondering…how did you want to, you know…do this? Are we going to go on from where we left off before I left for Paris or…did you want to start all over?”

I never really thought about that. I was so caught up in everything now that I have him back that I didn’t even think about how we were going to go on about us.

“I don’t really know. I think…I think we should just see how it goes. I don’t want us to say one thing and then end up wanting something else. Let’s just take it day by day and if either one of us isn’t comfortable with something, then we’ll do whatever it takes to make it work. It’ll help us be more honest with each other.”

He nods. “I…I like that. I’ll do whatever it takes to make this work. I promise.” He clears his throat. “But, um…does that mean it’s okay if I stay with you tonight?”

My smile widens and I lean up to kiss his cheek. “Since you asked so nicely, yes.”

I’m about to kiss him again but he shoots up out of the couch and pulls me up with him.

“Let’s go to bed then.”

I laugh as Harry leads me to my room. We go inside and Harry closes the door. I look at the bed and notice that there aren’t sheets yet.

“Let me just fix the bed.”

I go to my closet and grab the black and white bed set and with Harry’s help, we fix my bed. As soon as I place the last pillow on the bed, Harry hops on it, grabs my hand and pulls me.

I squeal as I land on top of him. I rest my hands on his chest and he rests his on my lower back.

“Is this okay?” he asks warily.

I roll my eyes but offer him a sweet smile. “Harry, you don’t need to ask that every time we do something. If I’m not okay with it, I’ll tell you.”

He nods before he takes one of his hands and pulls my head down to kiss me. I can tell he’s being careful and yes, I’m fine with it but both of us know what happens when we kiss. I tilt my head to the side and deepen the kiss, moving my hand up to rake through his hair.

He tightens his grip before he rolls us over so he’s on top.

I pull away but only because I want to get comfortable.

“Why don’t we change and get ready for bed first? I know I’ll be too lazy to later on.”

Harry laughs and places one last kiss on my lips before he pushes himself up and sits up. I sit up and hop off of the bed and go into my suitcase filled with my clothes and grab a pair of shorts and a baggy t-shirt.

“You can change in here. I’ll go change in the bathroom.”


I go into the bathroom and quickly change, wash my face and brush my teeth. When I’m finished, I knock on the door.

“Harry? Are you finished?”

“Yup,” he says through the door. I open the door and see Harry sitting on my bed in a pair of sweats and a white shirt. He looks up when I walk in and smiles.

“You can brush your teeth in there,” I say, pointing to my bathroom.

He stands up and gives me a quick kiss before he grabs his toothbrush and goes into the bathroom.

I crawl under the covers on the side of the bed further away from the bathroom and go on my phone as I wait for him. He comes back to my room a couple of minutes later and sits down beside me on the other side of the bed, pulling the covers over him and slides in right beside me.

I place my phone on the side table before Harry wraps his arm around me. I rest my head on his shoulder and get more comfortable.

“You’re so warm,” I say, pulling him closer to me.

He starts rubbing his hand along my arm, warming me up even more. I could stay here forever.

Suddenly, I remember something.

“Wait,” I say as I sit up and slide out of bed. I walk over to the closet and find what I’m looking for. I take it out and I turn around. I see Harry’s face light up as he realizes what I have in my hands. I put on Harry’s sweater and fix it around my body before I jump back into bed and crawl back into my spot.

I rest my head on his chest again and he resumes his position with his arms around me, engulfing me in warmth.

I never thought I would ever feel this again and I don’t want to ever not feel this ever again. There were many nights that I wanted to find myself in Harry’s arms again. Now that I’m finally here, I never want to leave this bed any time soon.

Being in Harry’s arms makes me feel safe and protected.

“Hey, if I hadn’t come here, would you still take me back?” Harry asks, breaking me from my thoughts.

I think over his question. What would I have done if he hadn’t come here? I know that I would still call him and tell him about the letter but would I have told him the same thing I did at the park?

I lift my head up and rest it on his shoulder, locking my gaze with his. I can see the wariness in his eyes. I know he’s worried that if he hadn’t come here, I wouldn’t have taken him back.

“Yes. As soon as I read your letter, there was already a part of me that knew that I wanted you back. I may have been unsure at first but no matter if I saw you in person or I just heard your voice on the phone, I knew that I would finally admit it to myself and to you. I’ve always wished that you would come back to me, ever since you broke up with me but it wasn’t until I read your letter that I finally accepted that we were meant for each other. Only each other. I was always torturing myself that you could always find someone better than me and that I didn't deserve you. But your letter…it made me feel everything I wanted to feel. You told me everything that I wanted to hear. You got rid of my doubts and I knew that I only had to believe the words you said to me and…that was enough. It was enough to let me know that it will always be you that will give me the love that I need and that I always have and will always be in love with you.”

“I wish I had told you all of things in the beginning, at least before you left,” he says. “I was just worried that you wouldn’t believe me. I’ve messed up so many times that I was scared that you wouldn’t believe that I was still in love with you and that I didn’t want anyone else but you. I know you asked me for another chance but I would like one, too. I want to show you how sorry I am for everything that I did. I want to earn your forgiveness and…and your trust…and your love again.”

I can see the worry growing in his features. I move to lean up on my elbow, looking down at him as I rest my hand on his chest.

“Harry, you’ve already earned it. Your letter, your ring, you coming here, those things you did for me earned you my forgiveness, my trust, and especially my love. I wouldn’t be here right now with you if it didn’t. Harry, we both made mistakes. Don’t think that it was only you. I want you to stop beating yourself up so much. You’ve done so much to show me that you still love me and that I should trust you again and that was all I needed. I just needed to know that…that you still wanted me.”

I can see his eyes glistening.

“Then why did you leave me at the train station? I told you that I loved you and that I would do anything to have you be mine again. Why did you leave?”

I shake my head and try to blink back the guilty tears. “I…I wish I hadn’t. I should’ve gotten off that train. I shouldn’t have left you. After being away from you and realizing what it’s like not seeing you or…or not being able to talk to you…” I look up at him. “And after reading that letter, I knew I made the biggest mistake of my life. I mean, there’s still a part of me that’s still scared of all of this but like I told myself when I first decided to open my heart to you, I’d rather risk everything and love you than risk losing you. You’ve fought for me since the beginning. Now I want to fight for us, too. With you.”

My eyes start to water and I can feel the pressure growing in my chest and the lump forming in my throat. “I’m sorry, Harry. I’m so sorry for leaving you at the train station like that. I hated hurting you like that. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

I start breaking down in sobs as it all hits me. All of the pain Harry went through since the beginning, all of the pain I’ve caused, it’s all hitting me now. Harry has been fighting for me, even while I was pushing him away and hurting him again and again. How could I have done that to him? All he’s done is love me with everything he has and I just threw it in his face and didn’t care about how it made him feel, how much it hurt him.

“I’m sorry,” I was starting to go hysterical and I can see Harry growing concerned. “I’m sorry, Harry. I’m so--”

“Hey. Shh, shh. It’s okay.” He pulls me to rest my head on his shoulder again and he starts to rub my back and my arms. I just continue to shake in sobs, my tears wetting his shirt. “Stop it. You don’t need to apologize. Look, I love you. I'm yours and you’re mine. That’s all that matters now. We both made mistakes. We owned up to them and we learned from them. We just have to focus on us now. Okay?”

He moves in his spot so he can look at me but keeps me in his arms. “I know you’re just feeling overwhelmed with everything but I don’t want you to be like this. If it makes you feel better, I forgive you. I know we both wish that we could take those things back but…at the same time, it was good for us.”

I scrunch my eyebrows at him in confusion and wait for him to elaborate.

“What I mean is that…I feel like it was meant to happen. It made us realize that we can’t be without each other. It taught us that we’re meant for each other, that there’s no one else. There’s no one else that can give us the love that we give each other. The time we spent apart, it made us realize that it’s not what we can live with. Being apart just made us fight to be together again and when we did, it made us stronger. Nothing can break us anymore. I love you, more than I ever have and I know that it’ll just continue to grow stronger.”

This is why I love him. He takes my insecurities and turns it into something that I can use to strengthen myself. Here I was going ballistic and having a mental breakdown and Harry just says some words to me and makes me feel better about myself.

I smile through my tears and lean forward to place a quick kiss on his lips. I pull away and nuzzle my face into his neck. “I love you, Harry.”

He kisses the top of my head and holds me tighter.


“I love you, Lily. Don't ever think otherwise.”




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