Find Yourself

I had no idea I'd even get through to bootcamp. Let alone find someone that I thought I was lost to. Let alone find myself. (Louis Tomlinson/One Direction)


3. Lying to the Mirror

Lying to the Mirror






Holy. Shit.


The place was absolutely giant and it was painted with bodies. I seriously felt like I had no chance. I had gotten there really late because I got lost a billion times and everyone else was already done signing in. There was a big camera behind the desk, filming for the show most likely. ACK.

I walked up to the two women who were sitting there. 

"Name?" The tall brunette said.

"River Williams."



"Here's your sticker. Put it somewhere visible and sit in the waiting room until your name is called."

"Thank you." I said with a smile. I got a real anal vibe from her.

I walked into the building and there was a giant beyond giant room where thousands of people were sitting. 

I sat on the floor in the very back corner near a burly, grey haired man, A tall woman covered in blue paint, and a young guy, probably around my age reading some book. Plenty of people had various instruments out and playing so I figured it would be okay to take my guitar out. I lifted my guitar and one of my new picks out and laid them on my lap. I then took out 3 of my giant leather notebooks that contained my music. I had dozens more at home.

I hadn't played the song in ages so I decided to brush up on it.

"Cool guitar." the boy said, smiling.

"Thanks." I smiled back.

"I'm Quinn." he said.

"River." I replied, trying to get back to my music. He got my hint and turned back to his book.

I was piss-yourself nervous and I must have ran through that song at least 50 times. I was only really nervous about Simon. Coming back to judge this year put a lot of stress on me. I don't know, the dude intimidates me. And he gave my best friend the time of his life.

Hour upon hour I sat in that corner sipping on the coffee I bought that had gone cold and running through my song. The room started to get less and less crowded and the burly man and blue girl had gone. Quinn was still there, reading his book. I guess he had gotten there late also. They told me that I was going to be last so eventually, I was gonna be left all alone. By 7:00 pm there was around twenty people left and all of us gravitated towards the big tv screen that showed the performers, live. I sat in the front and watched. They were mostly all really good and got through most of the time. 

Around 8:00, Quinn and I were the only ones left.

"Quinn Mitchell." I man in all black said, reading of a clipboard. 

He got up and fixed his hat.

"Good luck, mate." I said as he walked away.

He turned back and said. "You too. I'll stay and watch yours!"

And like that he was gone. I watched the screen and waited for his performance. He sang some Cold Play song I didn't know. I learned that he was there with his mum and grandparents and he was 23. He was actually really good and his voice was sort of raspy. It was nice and he got through.

Holy. Hell. I felt like I was going to shit myself. 

"River Williams. You're the last one." the man came out and said. I picked my guitar up and slung it on my back. This is it.

He walked me into the backstage and it looked exactly like it did on tv. The man said that they had to give the judges a few minutes so I stood there talking to Jeff with a big camera in my face. 

"So are you excited to go up on stage?" he said in his oh-so-cheery voice.

"Yeah, I bit nervous though. I'm more of a "dwell in the shadows" type girl if you know what I mean." I said.

"Yeah, yeah. Well good luck out there!" he said as some other guy motioned me to go to the side stage opening. It was almost time. It bites that this year's auditions were live. Well sort of live, they're delayed by an hour so they can edit the footage. So basically they start it at 7:00 and play the first auditions then the last ones are basically live. I feel bad for those guys, lots of work.

The guy looked at his watch.

"Alright, and........................go." he said and gave my shoulder a slight shove. 

This was it. Shit there were so many people looking at me in that moment. I walked to the stool in the middle of the stage that I asked for and sat on the very edge of it, leveling my mouth to the microphone. The lights were extremely bright and I could barely see any of the audience but the judges were clear as day. Louis, Tullissa, Kelly and Simon. All lined up and staring at.

Simon leaned to his small microphone and said, "Name, age, and where you're from please." 

"I'm River Williams. I'm 19 years old and I'm from Doncaster." I said, trembling. I had know swung my guitar over and had my pick in my hand.

"And why are you here today?" Tullissa said, with a big smile.

"Well, I want to make something of myself and I guess prove myself." I stuttered.

"Who are you trying to prove yourself to?" Kelly asked.

"I guess, my family. They've never been supportive of my music at all."

"Did you bring anyone today?" Tullissa asked.

"No I didn't tell anyone because I didn't want to disappoint them if I didn't do well." I replied.

"Well, what are you going to sing for us today?" Simon said, looking at me. God he was terrifying.

"I'm going to sing a song I wrote called Lying to the Mirror."

"Alright, go for it. " he said.

I started to strum and opened my mouth to sing.

"Can we believe all that we read..."

(A/N River's voice IS Gabrielle Aplin's voice and same with songs)


As I hight the last chord on my guitar the screaming was unbearable. I was surprised they let me sing the whole thing. I looked over to the judges' panel and they were ALL standing. All four of them standing and smiling and Kelly and Tullissa were actually crying. Louis was smiling and shaking his head and Simon was smiling and had his eyes locked on me. They all sat down slowly and by now I had my hand covering my mouth and tears in my eyes. 

"I want to go last so, Louis?" Simon said.

"That was absolutely astonishing. That was the one of the absolute best auditions that I have seen on this show for years." he said. I was shocked.

"Thank you so much." I replied with extreme emotion.

Then Tullissa said, "That was so beautiful you've literally put me in tears. You've got some much potential. I just... That blew me away and shredded my heart into a billion pieces."

Next was Kelly.

"I don't even know what to say to that. A little blonde haired hipster walks in here and then does THAT. You are definitely the highlight of this season." She said, still crying. 

Now Simon. Oh god.

"River," he paused. "I truly disagree with Louis. That WAS the best audition ever on this show. Your image is absolutely on point, your voice is breathtaking and I have never heard anything of that quality before. You're are so incredibly shy when you are absolutely, drop dead gorgeous. That song was amazing and written at such a high level. I assure you, you haven't disappointed anyone. I would honestly sign you a record deal right here and right now. You are what I have been WAITING for all of these years. That audition was absolute perfection."

"Oh my god, thank you so much." I said, crying. I was feeling so may emotions i didn't know if I should laugh or cry so I kind of did a hybrid of the two. 

"I don't even think we need to vote on this. On three." Simon said.

"YES!!!!" they all yelled.

"Welcome to the X factor. I will need to remember the day I met River Williams." Simon said.

By now, I was bawling and I was motioned to walk off of the stage. I couldn't believe what just happened. It felt like a dream. I was rushed off to a little booth to do a background information video that they would play before my audition. I'm composed myself and answered their questions.

I was in such a haze, I couldn't process what was going on. This was actually happening. I actually did it.

I really did it.




"Mate pass the crisps." I said to Niall. He handed them across the living room to me. 

All the lads were here watching X factor auditions at my flat in London, this being the first ever live ones. I think there were only a few left by now and we were all getting a bit tired. I looked down at my mobile and scrolled through m phone while some guy sang Cold Play. Kind of lame but it was alright. I saw everyone was trending the show and decided to tweet about it. Half way through typing a girl came on. Not any girl.

"Hi, my name is River Williams and I'm from Doncaster."

"SHUT IT!" I screamed. I was looking at my best friend, on the tv screen. I couldn't believe my eyes. She had changed but not too much. She had actually gotten more beautiful and her hair was a lot longer. She still dressed like River and talked like River. But more importantly it IS River.

I watched her talk about why she was there. She said her parents weren't very "supportive". Ha that's for damn sure. But RIver was there. She was right there in front of me. I haven't seen her for almost four years and now she pops up on my telly. She was my whole life before and now here she is. 

She sang so perfectly. Her voice and her songwriting got better. A lot better. And she was still tiny and quaint and painfully gorgeous. I was out of my mind-amazed and the lads were staring at me as I watched her performance. I actually had tears in my eyes. I couldn't believe it.

"Lou, are you okay?" Harry asked.

"I think he's out of it, mate." Zayn said.

"What's going on?"Liam said.

"I think he's lost it." Niall said.

"WILL YOU GUYS SHUT IT!" I screamed and focused back on the telly. I felt bad but she was more important.

She was the one person I would give my life for every day so that she could be happy. I shared everything with her and we knew each other inside and out. I still thought about it every single day. Every single fucking day. And I fucking left her. I'm such a damn bastard. I thought that she hated me and she probably still does. I have to find her and tell her I'm sorry. I have to find her. I have to. I just fucking have to. 

River's audition was far over and the boys had turned it off.

I shot up out of my seat and ran to my door. I put a beanie on and sunglasses so that I wouldn't be noticed, hopefully.

"Lou what the fuck are you doing, mate?" Harry yelled as I swung my front door open.

"I....uhm I...I have to find someone." I said and I ran out the door. 

I walked everywhere and looked everywhere. Knowing RIver, she would stay a few days to look around and she would probably stay in hotel. Also knowing River, she would have picked the hotel closest to where ever she was going and would pick the cheapest one. There were three hotels near the X factor venue and one of them was definitely way out of her league. I walked to a slightly grand one and looked around for her car, but she probably has bought a new one by now. I ran inside and went up to the reception desk.

"Is there a River Williams staying here?" I said urgently. The bob-haired woman was a bit thrown off by my fowardness. 

"Williams, River...nope no one staying here goes by that name." she said in a snotty tone. 

Perfect. Fucking perfect. I had to find her no matter what and there was one hotel left to check. If she wasn't there, she probably must have gone back to Doncaster. I pretty much ran to the next hotel, trying to not loose my hat. The hotel definitely looked River-esque. I turned the corner to the parking lot where the main entrance was also located. Right there in front of me there was the car. Burnt orange, pin striped, and old mini. We had driven in that car the whole summer that year and got lost hundreds of times. But the car wasn't alone. There was someone reaching into the passenger door of the car. Long blonde hair. Tiny . And they happened to be wearing exactly what River was wearing on my telly. They backed out of the car and I saw her face. More beautiful than ever even though her makeup was slightly smudged from crying at her audition. Bright blue eyes that could tell you a million stories. She was right there. My River.

"River?" I choked out just enough for the sound to travel to her. I couldn't move.

Her head snapped up to look at me so fast she might have given herself whiplash. Her jaw dropped and she sucked in a sharp breath. 

"L-l-ouis?!" She yelled. Our eyes were locked and neither of us could believe it. I started to run towards her and she ran full-force, straight to me.

Without any hesitation, I grabbed her waisted and lifted her off the ground and into my arms. I hugged her tight and she wrapped her arms around my neck and almost squeezed the life out of me. River shoved her face into my shoulder and cried. I held her tightly and probably stayed like this for at least five minutes. I slowly set her down on her feet and she looked up at me. I ran my thumb over her stained cheekbone. 

"It's really you." she said.

"It's really me, Riv." I replied, staring into her eyes.

"What are you doing here?" she asked, nonchalantly.

"What am I doing here? What are you doing here?" I said.

"Well, Lou, I'm living my dream and I was just about to check into this lovely hotel," she gestured towards the semi-shit hotel. "But then my best friend whom I haven't seen in four years, comes and scares the living shit out of me!" she yelled, sarcastically.

"Yeah, sorry about that. And you're not staying here." I said, gesturing to the hotel also.

"What do you mean, I'm not staying here?" she asked, confused.

"I mean that your staying with me, in my flat." I said, as-a-matter-of-factly.

"Oh, so you live in London now, Mr. BigShot?" she said while she mocked me. 

"Shut up and lets go, River." I said, laughing.

"Whatever. But you're driving, I'm exhausted." She said while putting her familiar keys into my hand. We got into the car and drove off back to my flat. The car still smelled the exact same and I really enjoyed it.

By the time we got back to my flat, it was nearing 11:00 and the boys had all left. The whole car ride we had somewhat caught up with each other. 

I carried her things up the stores to my flat and we were obnoxiously laughing the whole time which probably didn't make my high-end neighbors very happy. I unlocked my door and dropped her bags inside as she walked in.

"Damn." River said. She looked around my expensive flat.


"The loo is down that hallway to the left." I said as we got upstairs. She ran down there to change and I walked into my bedroom.

I took off my shirt and threw on some sweatpants just as River walked in.





I laughed at his room. It pretty much vomited 'Louis'.

"Now this is more like the Lou I remember." I joked.

"Yeah, yeah. Let's go to sleep I'm fucking exhausted." Louis said. I nodded and he lied on the bed. I laid down on my back and rested my head on his shoulder. That was the same way we slept since we were little kids. Louis switched off the lights and pulled the blankets over us. 

"There is one thing missing." I said.

"What is it?" he asked, tilting his head down.

"The stars." I said. His old bedroom had the ceiling covered in glow-in-the-dark stars.

"Yeah I miss them too sometimes. Goodnight, RIver." He said.

"Goodnight, Louis." I said.

My life really did feel perfect.







Ack! third chapter is all done. stay golden! XX

-Katie :*

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