Running Scared - In Search of Truth Pt1

My NaNoWriMo Entry for 2013.

Sinead and Tom are two like minded spirits who find that love is hard to share. They must overcome the everyday problems they have to find if Pokemon actually survive. From grimy Stockby, their search takes them to Malaysia and the truth, but can they handle the truth and will they be together at the end?

Please note that is not a novel about Pokemon.

Inspired by a conversation around a campfire.

Dedicated to the real Sinead. #iLECT


7. Mood Swings - Sinead's Point of View

As I sat on the toilet, I was really mad. Tom thought that Kiyoshi and I were somehow having this mad passionate affair. He probably thought we were both out to swindle him out of his money. Sometimes he could be the most stubborn person I knew. Did he really think that I was sleeping with him so I could extract money from him? Didn't he know I'd been a virgin before we met? Couldn't he tell that I didn't have a lot of knowledge about sex? Surely he didn't think I knew what I was doing half the time. I knew that he'd had others before me but for god’s sake.

Depositing the tissue in the toilet bowl, I slammed down the lid and pulled the flush. I was really angry, seething with rage. He knew that I hated my body, Christ I never exposed myself to him unless we were so close that he couldn't take it all in. I stormed over to the shower cubicle. I nearly wrenched the glass door off its hinges in my haste and exasperation. I needed to calm down. My body was beginning to shake with outrage. I ripped off Tom's t-shirt hurling the rag towards his direction so that it hit the door, before sliding down to the floor.

Naked now, I switched on the shower and stepped under. It was a little cold and the needle like jets stung my body massaging the skin as they hit. I reached up and turned the heat up a little. I stood under the warming water trying to make sense of what had happened. Last night had been wonderful. Something just snapped between Tom and I opening a new world of joy. Sometimes it hadn't always been quite right in bed. It never seemed that both of us were truly satisfied. I'm not saying that I was disappointed, that would be a lie. I enjoyed ever blissful second with Tom. It had been a wonderful few months. However last night we'd let our inhibitions go and I'd done things I said I never would.

Then why the hell did he think that I'd do those sort of things if I didn't love him? Why did he have this fixation that I was interested in Kiyoshi? Sure he was quite fit but for god’s sake did that mean that I fancied him?

I let the water slowly take the tension away from me. This was the first time that Tom had got me so agitated. I knew I had a shortish temper, but since we’d been going out I hadn’t had one of these whiteouts. Tom usually had such a calming influence on me. He was painstakingly attentive to my needs. Since I’d had the row with my parents he’d looked after me so well. He made sure I stayed at college and didn’t leave to get a job. He gave me money when I asked for it, in fact at times he was over generous. I knew that he had a bit put by from his parents but I’m sure he couldn’t afford everything he did. He loved my artwork, even when I didn’t although I suspect at times that he was a little, let’s say over enthusiastic about some of it.

When I’d come back from my parents he tried to find out what was wrong and what had happened. I refused to answer and tell him exactly what had occurred. You see one of my traits is that I bottle things up. I don’t want people to realize that there is a problem, even those who are so close to me. I don’t want to give anyone a chance to think I have a chink in my armor. It’s really hard to explain exactly why I do it. It’s part of my coping mechanism.

The shower was doing its usual job of calming me down. I’d spent a fair proportion of my life in the shower cooling off. It was a place I felt safe and happy, a place I could be myself. I moved further into the cascading shower letting it run down my head, steadily soaking my hair. I realized that I’d left my shampoo on the shelf outside the shower. Cursing under my breath I opened the stall door and walked gingerly towards the shelf. I reached out to grab the bottle when I heard something through the door. I tiptoed my way towards the door. Resting my ear to the wood I listened. It was the sound of someone crying. It could only be Tom.

Good I thought going back to the shower. Stepping back under the water I quickly wet my hair. Now he’d know exactly how it felt, serve him right. I applied the shampoo and massaged it into my scalp. Glancing across the room I spied the mirror. I looked at myself. I hated the mirror being there. It gently mocked my grotesque body. I turned away. Why anyone would want such a thing in their bathroom. Then I smiled at the memory of watching myself and Tom through that very mirror.

Was I being too harsh on him? Was I being blind to Kiyoshi? After all what did I know about him really? The shower was having its usual unwinding effect, mellowing my mood. Suddenly a thought struck me, what if Tom was right and it was all a con? Quite suddenly I saw it from Tom’s point of view. Well all apart from the bit where he thought we were having an affair. I bit my lip. I turned off the shower not bothering that I hadn’t rinsed my head. When the sound of the shower quietened I could still hear the sobbing. How had I let it go this far?

Suddenly I moved quickly to the door, unlocking it in a swift movement. I opened the door and went outside. I stood in the doorway looking at a startled Tom laying on the bed. What a sight I must look. I then realized that I was totally naked. I thought about going back and fetching a towel. No, I must overcome this. I moved quickly for the bed and sat down beside Tom. He looked at me through his red raw eyes. His cheeks covered in moisture. He looked quite pathetic to tell you the truth but I saw the vulnerability in his eyes.

‘I’m sorry Sinead’ he blurted out reaching out for me.

‘No, it’ not all your fault’ I said, suddenly being overcome by the emotions and bursting into tears. My mood swings lately were beginning to worry me. I felt so sorry for him, he really did mean the world to me. However thirty minutes ago we were having the biggest row of our short relationship.

I reached forward and kissed him full on the lips to try to stop the tears, before moving back.

‘Look we really need to talk about this’ I said in between the sobs of my tears. It was an issue we really did need to discuss. I needed to get it into his head that I didn’t fancy Kiyoshi. He must start to realize that for me there was only Tom.

He cradled my head in his hands, still silently sobbing. Taking his hand away I noticed it was covered in suds. I’d come out without rinsing my hair, I smiled at him. I saw him looking at my eyes. Jesus I thought, here I was totally naked and he only looks at my eyes, how does that makes a girl feel?

‘I need to rinse my hair before it goes weird’ I said. I tried to stand up but he pulled me down. I stood up again giving him the look that said don’t mess with me. His face said it all, disappointment and rejection. Two enemies I knew only too well myself, two enemies that I wouldn’t wish on anyone.

I reached out my hand to him. He took it and I pulled him up. Walking towards the en suite door I towed him behind me.

‘You might like to help me,’ I said, but you need to get rid of those first, indicating his pants.

Oh Sinead, I thought, you’re turning into a tramp.

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