Hospital Whiteness

I remember how dizzy I was. I could barely keep my eyes open. The sounds of the loud sirens were fading. The ambulance was shaking, driving so fast, the doctors could barely keep their balance. I had this big, white mask over my mouth, helping me breathe normally. I ignored the whole situation and just disappeared into a half sleeping condition. My mother stood on my right side, held my hand. Black tears of mascara were pouring down her face. You could see the look of her face was screaming. She was almost screaming, but held it back. She held my hand tighter and tighter, in hopes of it would keep me awake and sane. I was scared, but at the same time, I was too exhausted to stay awake in the situation.


4. What mother doesn't know won't hurt her

My feet were frozen and so were my hands. The nurses and Dr. O’Riley came running after me, but stopped when they came to the road. They realized what I saw. Dr. O’Riley took a few steps and said:

“Look, Mary… Calm down… Take a deep breath and count to ten… We understand that you are confused, but right now we need you to go back inside.”

I could barely hear him. I was focusing on the sign. Mental Hospital.

“Why?!” I screamed as loud as I could. My throat was hurting, and as soon as I screamed, my eyes watered my chins.

“Tell me! Tell me right now!” I screamed.

“I’m not going back before you tell me why!”

My lower lip was shaking just like the rest of my body. In that moment, I knew there was no return. There was nothing, I could do. I didn’t even know when they’d let me out of there. If they’d ever let me out of there. That moment. That was probably the last time, I’d get to be outside and feel the fresh air in my face for a long time. It was too late. Those Devils would take me back inside and lock every door behind me.

I fell. I fell on my knees and cried. I broke. I couldn’t continue. I gave up. The nurses looked at each other like they didn’t know what to do. Dr. O’Riley crossed the road and put his hand on my shoulder.

“It’s okay. We are not judging you”, he said calming. I just couldn’t believe the situation. Whatever I had done, they wouldn’t tell me. Simply because it was that bad. They probably thought I’d commit suicide or something. Something crazy like that.


We got back inside. The nurses sat in the chairs near the entrance. There was an awkward silence filling the room. Dr. O’Riley had his arm around me.

“Go into your room Ms. Patricksen, I’ll be there in a minute”, he said.

I did what he told me to and went back to my room. I could hear him and the nurses talking in the background. There were about five nurses.

I sat on the bed. I looked down at the white floor. The room was all dark, but glowing a tiny bit because of the moon. All I heard were machines silently beeping in other patient’s rooms, and a clock was ticking on the wall behind me, that the bed was placed against.

It was one o’clock. One hour ago, I got up and wanted to know where I was. Now, I kind of wish I hadn’t done that. I was happier, when I didn’t know.

Dr. O’Riley entered the room. He closed the door quietly behind him. He sat in the opposite side of the bed.

“Have you slept?” he asked seriously without hesitating.

I looked up and into his eyes. I squeezed my eyes as I said:

“No, I’ve been running down the street, if you didn’t notice.”

I regret saying it that way. I was just really angry and frustrated.

“Does my mother know that this is a mental hospital?” I asked in an angry tone.

He sighted. He looked me in the eyes. I could see that it wasn’t easy for him. That there was something, that wasn’t easy to say.

He sighted once again, took a deep breath and said:

“I lied.”

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