Hospital Whiteness

I remember how dizzy I was. I could barely keep my eyes open. The sounds of the loud sirens were fading. The ambulance was shaking, driving so fast, the doctors could barely keep their balance. I had this big, white mask over my mouth, helping me breathe normally. I ignored the whole situation and just disappeared into a half sleeping condition. My mother stood on my right side, held my hand. Black tears of mascara were pouring down her face. You could see the look of her face was screaming. She was almost screaming, but held it back. She held my hand tighter and tighter, in hopes of it would keep me awake and sane. I was scared, but at the same time, I was too exhausted to stay awake in the situation.


8. The doctor has spoken

He was killing me. I needed answers.

I looked him in the eyes. I did no longer know if I was angry or sad. If I wanted to cry or kick.

It was getting ridiculous. I wanted to give up, but since my mother was involved, I wanted to fight even more.

“What are you talking about? What do you mean?” I was horribly confused. He acted like I was insane once again. I realized that it was because; whatever he meant to say would not make me happy.

He put his hands on my shoulders, looked deep into my eyes and said:
“Mary. Go back to the hospital. I will explain everything.”

If I wanted to know the truth, I knew I had to go back. Before we left, I took the picture on the windowsill.


We got back to the mental hospital, and of course they made me put on a hospital dress again.

In my room, they had put the table back to where it stood before I moved it. They had also covered the window I broke.

I sat on the bed. I knew it was the end. I knew that whatever he would say, it would break me into tiny pieces. I put the picture of my mother on the table. She was still smiling.

Dr. O’Riley walked in. He closed the door behind him. As always, he sat on the bed as well, just in the opposite side of me.

“We need to have a serious talk, Ms. Patricksen”, he said.

I prepared myself. I took a deep breath. I did not want to hear it at all. I did not want the answers anymore. In a way, I knew I would be happier without knowing anything.

“We know, what is wrong. And yes, it is you”, he said. My heart was pounding way too fast. I knew I was the monster.

I took another deep breath. I felt that it filled my lungs with fresh air. Cold air.

“There is no doubt about which diagnose you have”, he said.

“It is very rare, but you are not alone. Other people have the same disorder. You are at Greenwood Mental Hospital for a reason, but you are not alone. We have had patients like you before.”

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