1. Confused

I don’t know what to do anymore, I’m so lost, And I’ve begun to feel sore, I fear… I can’t really go on anymore. God is supposed to be here when I need him, A shoulder to cry on, To pray to when my life is feeling dark and dim. But where is he? Has he forgotten me? Am I another lost cause? Do I not deserve… to be helped, saved? The tears used to really burn my eyes, I used to hate it, But now I wish with all hope to cry, For I’ve gone too numb to let it truly affect me… But the pain has to come out somehow, I didn’t cry from my eyes, But my wrist, No more tears, The blood I just couldn’t resist. What have I become? Who am i? I look in the mirror and cringe in disgust, From the harshness in my eyes, And the fatness outside. Look at me, I’m just another fatty, I’m just another girl with a few scars on her hips, And scattered on her wrists. No more food, I don’t deserve it, A fatty like me should starve, Though its unhealthy, Maybe if I die… I’ll be happy. The lies flow from my mouth, oh so easily, No truth can come out, It truly scares me. “Don’t speak, be quiet, don’t let your secrets out,” They’d never care anyway, That’s without a doubt. I’m way too problematic, I can no longer take this, Why can’t I be easy, normal, Skinny and pretty, And maybe, Perfect? You see, That’s all I wish to truly be, Perfection, I want It, I need it, I crave it, I’d rather die than never have it! I just wanna be perfect, And skinny too, Then they’ll all love me, And no longer judge, They’d feel jealousy, Cause I’d no longer look like a slug! I see these girls on magazines, Perfect hair, perfect skin, The things I envy, The things I strive and try so hard for, Yet they take such beauty for granted, Not knowing, How much I want it. Nothing is too skinny, Soon I’ll be if I keep not eating, I won’t stop until I see bones, I could count them, So I won’t feel so alone. Let my hips jut out, Let them see my ribs, Let my cheeks swallow in, Let my neck be proud and out, Let my thighs be so apart! This is beauty, This is amazing, This is my fantasy, That I’ll some day make come true. At least I hope, Because I'm so confused. *********** It's a little long... Sorry. But it's my first poem (that I'm posting on here, at least.) So... Yeah.
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