Out Of Focus

How To: Screw Up Your Life

1.Talk with the boy next door.
2. Have that boy be named Marcus Butler.
3. Eventually have Marcus become your best friend.
4. Fall in love with your best friend.

If I could write a book, it would most definitely be something along those lines.

Hi, my name is Teagan Hart, I'm 21, and this is the story of how once upon a time, I used to be happy.

Used to be.


5. Films & Feels

•Chapter 5•

|Marcus' POV| 

'We accept love we think we deserve.'

I've seen this movie millions of times with Teagan, but this line, this set of wise words all strung together, has never hit me like it has now. 

We accept love we think we deserve.

Some people may be confused by it, but almost immediately it untangles itself in my mind, revealing it's meaning. If we make ourselves believe we've done something to deserve the love we want, it's natural for us to welcome it with open arms. But is it really the love we need? People could go their whole lives, telling themselves they love somebody when the real meaning of love is right in front of them, they just don't want to believe it. 

In a way, I could relate with Charlie. We both love somebody that we can't have. In his case, Sam is three years older and headed off to college to finally start her life. But, he's willing to let her go in order for her to be happy. All Charlie's wanted this whole time was for her to be happy. This boy would do anything to protect his friends, even if it meant he had to hurt others to do it. Unintentionally of course. 

It was a one sided love.

Meanwhile, there was me. My best friend since we were three, I'd do anything for her. She's convinced me to eat a cup of dirt when we were five. She's made me smile since we were ten. But mostly? She's made me love her since the beginning. As cheesy as this is, I've gone my whole life from having a little school boy crush on this girl to realizing why my feelings haven't changed in the long run. Like Charlie, I've had feelings for my best friend from the beginning. And I'm not scared to admit it to myself. To Teag, yes, I'm terrified. 

In this way, Charlie and I are alike. We both had one sided loves that we couldn't help but go along for the ride. We both would do anything to make her smile, make her laugh, cheer her up on the darkest of days. We would do anything in our right mind to make her happy. 

And seeing her right now, curled up next to me with her eyes fixated on the screen, I knew everything would turn out for the better in the end, whether this love would become mutual or not. Though, it killed me seeing her body lean the other way against Caspar, with her head rested on his shoulder, I knew she was happy and content. It was a completely innocent act, completely friendly as far as I knew, but it still could drive me insane.

Some days, I love the effect she has on me. Being around Teagan was like a drug, it made me feel as light as a feather. Though, others it was a curse. Seeing her like this, it killed me. But, I just had to suck it up and keep moving on in order to keep the peace. 

With my eyes sneaking in glances at Teagan every now and then, I noticed her stunning emerald eyes glue to the screen as she mouthed those eight words;

We accept the love we think we deserve. 

If only she knew...

• • •

|Teagan POV|

This movie literally was my life. It was so precious and amazing you have no idea. It was crazy how deep it could get, leaving me in a trance. 

I had comfortably curled up on my side, cuddled up to Caspar. We were literally like brother and sister. So, it was completely innocent. My head rested on his shoulder and I was curled up by his side while his long arm wrapped around me, pulling me closer. It was quite cold in their flat,
so I was basically using him gor South African slut warmth. Y'know, the usual.

Then, suddenly one of my favorite parts came on, and my eyes widened as I mouthed the quote. 

We accept love we think we deserve.

For some odd reason, I loved this. The words held so much power, you should be tentative as to when to use them. And in the context of the movie, it was absolutely perfect. I honestly wish I could wrap my mind around it. 

The concept of love confused me. Personally, I've never been in love. So, I think you need to have experienced it to get the full effect of that sentence, but it still held more meaning that you could ever imagine. 

The movie continued on and I was entranced. Charlie continued his story, and when it reached the part when he was hearing all of his memories, having those flashbacks, I could feel a few tears rol ldown my cheeks leaving warm trails behind them. For being somebody who's seen this movie, this scene, countless times it still had an effect over me. It was heartbreaking to think a boy, fifteen, had to go through all of what he did.

I could feel Caspar chuckle, and I glared up at him, wiping away. Tear hastily.

"Shut up you dick wad. It's emotional." I growled, and then turned back to the movie. I could hear Marcus laugh softly beside me. Meanwhile, Alfie was dead to the world. How the hell you can fall asleep during this movie beats me. I was going to have a stern talk with that boy when he got his ass in gear.

Caspar suddenly leaned down to whisper to me, "What's your favorite line?" he asked. 

I couldn't help but look up at him, meeting his blue eyes in confusion. Since when was he actually interested in the movie? I thought though, searching through my brain for all of the lines and then I chose one.

" 'So I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them.' " I responded. It was by far my favorite quote, because it explained my life perfectly.

I have always been the kind of girl that didn't know what to do with herself. I thought I'd never grow up, and to be honest? I still haven't. So I've always thought about how I don't really know who I am. I'm Teagan Hart, yes. But who am I? I'm not the model. I'm not the singer. I'm not the scholar. I'm just... me. But, I neer really knew if that's ever going to be enough. 

Caspar thought for a moment as if to digest what I had said. Then, he smiled and nodded, looking back at the screen, intently listening. 

It's funny how much this movie could make you think. How deep it could get. It opened up new doors and pathways to emotions you never knew existed. Frankly, after it I always end up sleeping. It works my brain to the brink of exhaustion.

A while into it, almost to the end, I guess my brain hit shutdown a bit earlier. I could feel my eyes getting heavier and heavier until they just drooped shut. Yeah, time to get some sleep I think.... The hands of sleep slowly crushed me in a fist, dragging me to me dreams, the feeling as light as a feather. 

And in that moment I swear I was infinite.



I know it's short. But it is freaking 11:30 pm right now and I have to wake up early tommorow xD I think this chapter was deep enough to make up for the length. Honestly, I will admit I was running on empty... My tummy is making the rumblies as well :P 

So, there's some Marcus thoughts for ya, and some cute caspar/teagan moments. Whaddya think?

#teaspar (very british sounding hehe)
#ceagan (xD i dunno.)

Pick one. Or,


Wtf, these are some goddamn deranged ship names. 

If yo have any ideas comment them belowwww xD or some up with some better ship names.

Comment, like, fan!

-Jess xx

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