Dear Agony

I can't even anymore. Seeing them in the hallways, in our classes, at lunch, on Facebook and Instagram, and sometimes through my window when I'm lying around the house. It hurts like hell. I'm friends with them both but lately, it hurts more than usual. The moment I think I'm getting over them, I think of something or I see something, or some idiot says something, and it comes back full force.

(The title comes from the song Dear Agony by Breaking Benjamin.)


11. Don't We All Hate Confrontation?

Kaci's POV

I sigh and ask the most obvious question, "What do you want Haley?"

She opens her mouth, looks at Alex, and then looks back at me before snapping it. She tries again several times, repeating the process each time. Finally I get the message, "Haz?" "Yeah Boobear?" I sigh again, hating the intrusion, "Could you give us a minute?" She tenses before looking at me, a silent question in her eyes, Are you sure? I nod and smile, loving how overprotective she is even though we aren't dating yet. She goes back in the kitchen, to finish the strawberries I think, and I turn back to Haley.

She still looks so broken.

And I still don't care.

I tell Alex that we'll be outside if she needs me for anything and I can tell she's thinking dirty thoughts and biting her lip when she yells an otay back at me.

I step outside, closing the door behind me. I cross my arms and lean against the door, "What is it?" She swallows and I can tell she's trying not to cry again, "I ummm...stopped by your house and your dad said you were over at Alex's. I was wondering, I know it's only been a few weeks but I can't help thinking that maybe, you could reconsider giving us another ch-" I hold up my hand in a signal for her to stop, already knowing what she's asking. And knowing the answer hasn't changer before she said thinking. "No. Stop asking for my forgiveness. You don't deserve it. I'm over it though, honestly I am." She visibly brightens at my last sentence before I speak again, "Just because I'm over it and have moved on, doesn't mean you or him will be forgiven anytime soon." The smile that was forming drops abruptly and I can't help but feel smug, though I keep my face cold and uncaring.

We've been out here awhile and I know Aly is getting worried. I know that what I said took effect because of the way she's biting her lip trying not to cry. I sigh for the third time tonight, "Are we done? I have a movie block planned in a few minutes with Alex." She winces visibly and a tear escapes and rolls down her cheek. I soften for a moment and reach to wipe it away.

When I realize what I just did, I cough and step back. She looks at me with this pleading look in her eyes and asks the question I know has been bugging her for awhile now, "Are you and know? Together?" I smile a little, thinking of Aly and look at her seriously, "Not yet she's giving me a few more all the time until I'm sure I'm ready to get back into a relationship." She nods, obviously relieved, until Alex opens the door and breathes a sigh of relief. "Sorry, I was worried Boobear. It's been like 30 minutes." I smile at her over-protectiveness and stand on my tiptoes to kiss her on the cheek. She smiles shyly and slips back in, but not before returning the kiss and telling me the strawberries are done. I tell her I'll be in soon and to not start without me. I look back at Haley and she's staring at the ground. I can tell she's crying because she's sniffling.

I feel a bit sympathetic when I realize how inconsiderate I'd been. Even if she did hurt me, I'm usually not this bitchy. "Haley, honey, calm down." She looks up slightly and her green eyes are a bit redder, it's then that I notice the deep, dark bags under her eyes. "Oh hun. When's the last time you slept?" She thinks about it for a moment before she whispers, "Not since that day." I sigh and feel obligated to be the one to tell her, "Haley, you have to sleep. It's been at least two weeks hun. No offense, but you look awful." She smiles softly, at how I suddenly became caring I'm guessing, "I know. I've been up all night thinking how I could fix it. I guess I can't huh?" She gives me that pleading look again, as if begging me to say yes, there's a chance, but there isn't. And there never will be again so I answer honestly, "No, Haley, you can't." She nods, already knowing it. She smiles sadly before walking away, stopping to say one last thing, "I hope you two are happy Kaci. I really do."

And with that, she walks away.

I sigh before going back in the house.

Alex's POV

When she finally comes back in, she looks...tired. I know she'll bring it up when she's ready, so I just hand her two whipped cream cans and a huge bowl of strawberries. I pop in Mean Girls and we dance along to Jingle Bell Rock like we always do. Then we watch almost every other movie in the house. At about 8pm, we decide to shower. She beats me in there because I let her. After about an hour, she finally comes out with nothing but a towel on and even though I've seen her like this who knows how many times, I almost melt at the sight and hurry in the bathroom.

After about an hour, I come out fully dressed (it's just something I do). She's wearing a pair of shorts I had forgotten I even had and one of my random over-sized t-shirts. She's sitting on my bed going through my sketch book. It's a few years old so I don't remember what's in there but she looks really interested in it. It's about five minutes later before it hits me, that's not my sketch book. It's my book of poems that I wrote for....her.  She's smiling and I know she's on one of the happier ones I did. I don't think she's even realized I'm here so I tip-toe over to her and whisper in her ear, "Whatcha doin'?" She screams and falls off the bed clutching her chest right above her heart and I can't help it. I started laughing like a maniac. She looks so mad and it just makes me laugh harder. At this point, I'm holding my sides and I'm crying and I can't breath but it's worth it. She attempts to throw the book at me but it misses by a mile and I start laughing impossibly harder.

After about twenty minutes of laughing, my sides are aching and my throat is almost hoarse. I would've been finished awhile ago but every time I looked at her pouty face, it would make me start laughing all over again. We finally make it downstairs and surf Netflix, we watch movie after movie after movie: Titanic, Nightmare Before Christmas, Lilo and Stitch, Tarzan, Saved!, Mulan, Mulan 2, Pocahontas, and finally, The Hunger Games.

We don't even bother with checking the time because we can see the sun start to rise so we untangle ourselves and walk up to my room.

Kaci's POV

I climb in and face the wall and Aly automatically climbs in behind me and puts her arms around my waist. I want to shrug her off, tell her I'm not in the mood, but I don't. Her arm is warm and comforting, it feels like home. I scoot back, getting as close to her as possible without making it awkward and she tightens her hold on me.

She kisses my shoulder and when I feel her drift off, I say what I've been wanting to say for awhile, "Alex, I know you've been waiting years for me and it's the sweetest thing I've ever experienced in my life. I love you, I really do. And maybe, in a few weeks, I'll be ready to try give us a try. I know you'll wait until I'm ready and while it's undeniably sweet, I wish you really wish you wouldn't. I'm not worth it, it took me this long to realize that I've been torturing you for years and for that I'm so sorr-" I break off as a sob rips through me and I realize that this is what I should've felt when I saw Haley earlier. This pain, this....this raw, burning ache and I know why I didn't feel it then: because even after all the pain that my dumping her appears to be causing Haley, it's still nothing compared to what I've put my best friend through. After a few minutes, I'm a little more composed and I continue knowing I'll feel better once I get it off my chest, "I'm so sorry Aly. I have no idea what kind of pain I've put you through and honestly, I don't want to. It would kill me. And I promise, when I'm ready, we'll be spectacular. And nobody will cheat and it'll be just like we are now......perfect. Complete with all the normal things or rather, complete with all the crazy traits that make us us because I love you Aly. I really do and one day, I'll fix it. I'll undo all the pain and suffering you went through. Not because you asked or because I feel guilty, but because I love you and you deserve it and I want to be the one to give it to you."

I turn around slowly and kiss her as softly as possible on the lips so I don't wake her. I admire her for a few more seconds, she look so peaceful when she's not stressing about something or worrying about me. I turn back around and that's when I realize what song she picked to fall asleep to tonight, it's Louis Tomlinson's cover of Look After You by The Fray.

I fall asleep when Louis sings, It's always have and never hold. You've begun to feel like home.

Alex's POV

I heard it. All of it. I wanted to kiss her back so badly after hearing that, but I decided to let her get it off her chest. That was the sweetest thing I've ever heard in my life. I sniffle and then realize I'm crying. But, for the first time in a long time, they're not sad tears. They're happy tears and I can't remember the last time this has happened to me, it feels....nice.

I wipe my face after a few minutes and kiss her shoulder. I whisper in her ear even though I know she probably can't hear me, "I love you too Kaci." And I peer over her shoulder and see her smiling in her sleep. I grab the remote from behind me and pick a song to fall asleep too

After a few minutes, I settle on, Hear You Me by Jimmy Eat World. I haven't heard it in awhile but I listen to the opening and decide it's good.

I'm starting to drift off when Jim Adkins sings, "And if you were with me tonight, I'd sing to you just one more...time. A song for a heart so big, God wouldn't let it live."

I can't help but wonder who God took away from Jim. Then I start thinking about what 'd do if I ever lost Kaci and I automatically shut my eyes to stop the tears and hold her closer. Just the thought of living in a world without her is....unthinkable.

I hold her tighter and drift off, thinking, As long as she's hear, I'll be perfectly fine. Just please God, please don't take her away from me.......


(A/N While I was writing the end, I was actually crying. I was watching this Jori vid (I ship Jori so hard it's not even funny) where Tori died and it showed Jade seeing her everywhere with Hear You Me playing and it's so emotional and the tears are real and I'm just gonna give you the link before I start crying just from thinking about it. and then there's this other one that I love, you probably have to copy/paste them into the address bar thingy but it's worth it, I promise. Over and out, Wizzy.)







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