Dear Agony

I can't even anymore. Seeing them in the hallways, in our classes, at lunch, on Facebook and Instagram, and sometimes through my window when I'm lying around the house. It hurts like hell. I'm friends with them both but lately, it hurts more than usual. The moment I think I'm getting over them, I think of something or I see something, or some idiot says something, and it comes back full force.

(The title comes from the song Dear Agony by Breaking Benjamin.)


1. Can't Fight This Feeling Anymore

My best friend and I are sitting at our lunch table. And they're across the cafeteria at theirs. They're flirting and laughing and kissing each other's cheek when the teachers aren't looking. And I'm smiling and laughing and cracking every joke I can think of...but I keep looking at them and it's killing me. My brain is screaming at me to do the logical thing and ignore it, while my heart is screaming at me to just flee like a madwoman and cry it out in one of my special hiding spots. But I can't do that. If I do, then everyone's gonna want to know why and....I don't think I'm ready for that yet. I mean, it's no secret that I'm bi or that I don't care who knows. It's no secret that I openly stare at any hot girl that happens to catch my eye. And it's no secret that I'm in love with them both, Haley Connors and her girlfriend, who is also one of my best friends bestfriend, Kaci Ashford. But they're oblivious. Flirting, laughing, hugging, kissing; all the while driving the knife deeper into my heart. I don't think I could live without being their friend though. They've become a huge part of my life over the past few years.

I must've spaced out again because I can hear Addison yelling, "Alex! Aaaaaalex! Earth to Alex! Alexandra! I know you can fucking hear me!" I finally snap out of it when I see her hand blur into my line of sight. Before I can think about it, I grab her wrist. When I finally realize what I'm doing, I let go her of wrist and sigh, "What is it Addy, damn?" She looks shocked at first but recovers quickly and says, "I was just asking if you were okay. You've been spacing out a lot and you had this pained look on your face." It was then that I realize how bad it had actually gotten. I look at them and Addy follows my gaze. She frowns and says, "You do realize they're in love right?" I nod. "And that they'll probably last all through high school?" I nod sadly again and she throws her arm across my shoulders and hugs me. I sigh and bury my face in her neck and stare across the cafeteria at them and they're whispering and giggling.

And as Addy's arms hold me tighter, I can feel the tears I didn't know I was crying streaming down my face, and soaking her shirt. Because someone my age shouldn't know this much pain. Only my best friends know. The nights I've cried myself to sleep, the fading scars on my arms that get added to whenever it becomes too much, the ache in my heart whenever I see them together. No one else knows and no one else needs to know. It's obvious though.

Addy wipes my tears away but they keep coming and I can't stop them. So she helps me up, throws away our trays, leads me to the bathroom, and fixes my make-up so you can't tell I've been crying. And the whole time I can still hear them giggling and laughing in the back of my mind.

When it first started, I couldn't explain how it felt and now, the only word I can think of for this feeling is agony.

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