Loved You First

"Was it possible that all the signs, I had convinced myself were just my imagination, actually were real?

I just couldn't help but wonder how long she'd had feelings for him, even if they were subconcious.
I was sure that I loved her first, but at this point I actually didn't know who she loved first."

A few slightly sexual references (not smut, I don't do that)
A few slightly violent scenes
Use of strong language at times
SELF-HARM references in a couple of chapters


72. 'What Really Happened'

Chapter 64

"What really happened"

Zayn's P.O.V.

"H-hello?" Mag sounded nervous and worried so I tried to lift her mood a bit,

"Hey sunshine! How you holding up?"

She let out a deep sigh before replying,

"I'm not sure... I... I'd rather not talk about it."

"Okay, fine... Look I actually called to talk to you about... Christmas." I bit my lip, wondering how I should tell her, that she basically would be spending Christmas alone, especially after what had just happened with Louis.

"Oh, that would be great!" She exclaimed, sounding a lot happier, and my heart sank,

"It's nice to have something to look forward to!"

Fuck. I couldn't do this to her.

"Yeah about that..." I started hesitantly, but was cut off,

"By the way, what are we doing with presents? Are we getting each other? I love to go Christmas shopping! It would be a great way to get my mind off everything!"

I was silent for quite a while, contemplating what to say. She sounded so happy now, and I didn't want to be the one who ruined that.

"We can get each other presents." I finally said, silently cursing myself, but Mag was my friend and I couldn't let her down. Ada would understand, and if she didn't... Well, so be it.

"Listen I gotta go... I guess I'll be seeing you soon."

"Yeah, bye Zayn. Say hi to... the others from me."

Mag hung up before I could say another word, and I quickly dialled another number, to have another complicated conversation. Hopefully, I wouldn't chicken out this time.


As I walked back to Harry and Liam's room, a pleased smile formed on my face. Ada had been understanding and really wanted to meet Mag, since she had heard so much about her from me and that one time with Louis.

Ada knew I had no feelings for Mag anymore and promised to not make it awkward and to give her attention as well, so she wouldn't feel lonely. She also found it quite amusing that Mag was now in the band she had once drummed for and even though she had Stacey had sort of drifted apart, she was sure that her and Mag would have plenty of stories to share.

I hadn't told Mag about Ada though, and wondered if I should keep it as a Christmas surprise, but I still had a few weeks to figure it out.

I walked into the room to find Liam, Tally and Niall talking seriously in hushed voices.

"Where's Larry?" I asked, receiving a glare from Liam, and held my hands up in defence wondering what his problem was.

We all referred to the two boys as Larry once in a while, now that they were totally done romantically. They still had their special best friend relationship, and I didn't see a problem in using their "bromance" name, since it didn't mean what it used to.

Niall nodded towards Harry's bedroom,

"Harry is calming him down I think. Did you talk to Mag?"

"Yeah," I replied, "and I decided to have both her and Ada over for Christmas."

I avoided looking at any of them, but could feel Liam's glare,

"Zayn... It's a really bad idea!"

"Wait a sec!" Tally exclaimed pointing at me,

"When did you guys find out that Ada is his secret girlfriend?!"

"This morning and it's not a secret anymore!" I replied sassily, but decided to change the subject when she gave me the "Tally look",

"Anyways I don't think it will be a problem. Ada doesn't mind and she and Mag can bond over the band and stuff... I don't want Mag to be alone for Christmas!"

"Well, she wouldn't have been!" Tally said with wide eyes,

"She could have spent Christmas with Niall and I in Ireland. She's as good a friend to me as she is to any of you guys and I would love for her to meet my family and then meet up with Niall later."

"Well too bad, because she's coming to Bradford with me!"

"Maybe I should just ask if she would rather be with me, than you and your girlfriend!" Tally said standing up and I cowered down.

"You didn't tell her about Ada!" Liam said as more of a statement than a question and shook his head,

"What is wrong with you Zayn? Are you looking for a conflict? Don't we have enough going on as it is?"

I looked to Niall for support but he quickly looked away, clearly wanting to stay neutral in this matter.

"I don't see why she couldn't just be with Skye and myself, since she's staying with Skye now anyways."

"Are you kidding me?" I looked at him and then Tally in disbelief,

"I offered Mag to spend Christmas with me a long time ago, and now all of you are butting in! Do you deliberately plan ways to do my head in?"

"When you first offered, you didn't have a girlfriend." Liam pointed out.

"You, Niall and Harry have girlfriends!"

"Ah but there is a difference!" Tally rejoined the discussion,

"I am best friends with Mag and so is Skye. Lauren is a good friend, at the least. Mag has never even met Ada before."

"So what? Mag is spending Christmas with me in Bradford!" I raised my voice.

"No, she should be with me and Skye!" Liam stood up from his seat.

"No way! Mag has never seen Ireland before and it is wonderful during Christmas!" Tally spoke louder than the rest of us.

"Sorry but you're all wrong."

Harry's deep voice startled us and I turned around to see him and Louis with a decisive expression on his face as he stepped forward and spoke calmly,

"Mag is spending Christmas with me."


Louis' P.O.V.

The plan in itself was simple. I would spend Christmas with Mag and get her to forgive me, so it would all be good again. There was only a tiny detail. I had to convince her to go with me.

When Harry had first suggested it, I thought he was going crazy. I mean Mag hated me at the moment, and I had no idea how to even get her to talk to me. But of course he had a plan like always.

"Liam and Zayn are both going to London on the 23rd before travelling to their own towns," Harry started to tell the others of his plan,

"Liam to pick up Skye and Zayn to pick up Ada who will be in London that day. So when the three of you go to Skye, Louis shows up with you, and he will take it from there."

"If she doesn't slam the door in my face." I added with a sad smile.

"Skye or Mag?" Tally asked with a sly smirk.

"I think it more likely that Skye would slam the door in his face." Liam said and I noticed a tad of seriousness in his joke,

"My girlfriend is a lot more feisty than Mag."

"I'm not sure, Mag threw a plate at him." Niall said nodding at me, and I could smack him for bringing it up.

"Well he did call her a bitch." Zayn added, and Tally's head flew up. Apparently Niall had left that bit out.

"You called her a bitch?"

I gulped as Tally's eyes shot daggers at me and I suddenly found myself unable to speak.

"Oh you are so done!" Tally charged at me but luckiky Niall was able to hold her back and whispered something in her ear, that made her sit down, still glaring at me.

"So what if it fails?" Zayn asked,

"What if she doesn't even want to talk to you?"

Just thinking about it made me want to bury myself in my covers and cry my eyes out until I turned blind. If Mag never spoke to me again... I didn't even have words for how that would make me feel. I didn't know which would be worse: Mag never speaking to me again, or being friends and watch her find someone else.

"Then I guess, Louis will just go back to Doncaster alone." Harry answered for me and I smiled at him thankfully. He could tell that I wasn't in any position to consider the outcome if my attempt at winning her back would fail.

"Aren't you going to talk to her at all in the next few weeks?" Niall asked.

"If she'll talk to me, I would gladly accept it." I admitted,

"But I don't want to pressure her."

"What if she's waiting for you to take the first step?" Tally suggested and I took a deep calming breath,

"I know that she might be waiting but I have no idea to be sure of what she is thinking, do I?"

"Which is why I'll try to get as much out of her as possible without making her feel bad." Harry told the others what he and I had discussed.

"So now that it's all sorted out," Liam spoke up,

"Louis you should get some rest before the show tomorrow... I'd like to speak with the rest of you."

I looked at him suspiciously as it seemed that he was trying to get rid of me, before speaking with the others,

"Don't worry Lou, it's just about something that happened yesterday. Tally can you go with Louis and find someone to get him a room?"

Tally escorted me out of the room, and I had a strong feeling that they were going to be talking about me.

Liam's P.O.V.

As soon as Louis left the room, I turned to the rest of the boys,

"Okay lads, we have to make sure Louis doesn't fall into depression again!"

"Weren't you just saying how tired you are of babysitting him?" Niall asked with a raised eyebrow, but I decided to ignore him,

"It will effect the whole band and everyone around us if Louis gets depressed and now that it has happened recently we know how to prevent it."

"We do?" Zayn asked confused.

"Oh my God, Zayn don't you take notice to your surroundings at all?" Harry commented, making Zayn mimick him childishly and I rolled my eyes at their juvenile behaviour. This was not the time to act silly.

"Focus, please!" I said sternly and they both shut up.

"So as I was saying... The most vital thing is to never leave him alone, no matter what, Harry I trust you to take care of that?"

Harry nodded and I went on,

"Secondly try not to lose your temper with him, because that could cause a breakdown... Niall you have to control Tally!"

"I'm doing the best I can." He replied, with a nervous expression and I knew he really was trying to handle Tally's temper.

"What about me?" Zayn asked,

"Have a job for me to?"

The tone in his voice suggested that he wasn't happy about the way I was controlling the situation, dictating everyone but someone had to do it.

"Zayn... Louis is our friend, it is our job to take care of him! Just... everyone try to stay happy and keep him busy."

"I still don't know if the Christmas thing is a good idea." He complained.

"You're just upset that she won't be spending it with you!" I snapped before I could stop myself. He was acting so childish.

"Mag is expecting me to pick her up and go to Bradford! You think she won't get mad at me, when she finds out that I'm keeping this from her?"

"Would you rather have her and Louis to continue on like this?" I asked him raising my voice.

"You know it's not supposed to be like this," Niall surprisingly said,

"A relationship is supposed to have ups and downs... not downs and further downs."

I didn't know what to say. Niall wasn't usually one to be so serious and he believed in love more than anyone.

"What are you getting at Niall?" Harry asked glaring at him,

"You don't think they should be together?"

"I'm just saying it shouldn't be this hard work."

"Some relationships are harder than others," Harry replied through clenched teeth,

"It doesn't mean they don't love each other... it doesn't mean they don't deserve to be together. But if you wanna give up on him, fine! I'll take care of Louis myself!"

Harry got up, walked to his bedroom, slamming the door, leaving Niall with red cheeks and sad eyes. Noone yelled at Niall, because we knew how hard he took it, and now his bottom lip was quivering and I instantly put my hand on his,

"Niall it's okay... Harry's just..."

Niall pulled his hand away,

"Forget it!"

Now it was his turn to leave the room, followed by Zayn who muttered,

"Way to go Liam."

How on earth was this my fault? I was just trying to help my friend and instead ended up with three angry and hurt friends.

I hoped that Louis and Mag would get their shit together, before it tore us all apart.

*** A few days later ***

Mag's P.O.V.

My mood had improved after talking with Zayn a couple days ago, even though I hadn't spoken to any of them since. I was looking forward to Christmas and to seeing him again, also Liam who would be coming by Skye's. I wasn't so sure about the New Year's party which included Louis.

Why hadn't he called me yet? Maybe because I had told him to never speak to me again, but surely he wouldn't take me up on that. I was furious and said lots of things I didn't mean, just like he did. At least, I hoped he didn't mean everything he said. I had been called horrible things in my life, words couldn't hurt me, but when it came from someone I loved... well I would by lying if I said it didn't hurt tremendously.

But Louis had been drunk and I couldn't hold it against him, since he had no idea what he was doing. I then thought of Zayn who had left Perrie after she cheated on him while she was drunk, but that was different because it happened more than once, and it was cheating. I also remembered forgiving Zayn after he had slept with Perrie, but he had been totally wasted and had passed out and I was sure he wouldn't have done anything anyways.

This is where I was conflicted. I didn't actually know if this was a Perrie or Zayn situation. I didn't know if Louis had cheated on me (if it could be considered cheating when we weren't together), or simply just been so drunk that he couldn't find his way back, much like what happened to me and Calum.

But Louis had kissed Jenna, whereas I hadn't kissed Calum and Zayn hadn't kissed Perrie. It may have been out of spite, in his drunk stupor, but he had kissed her and as far as I understood it wasn't just a quick drunken-mistake kiss. Louis kissed Jenna and then went back to her place and even if he had passed out, this time I couldn't be sure that nothing would've happened if he hadn't.

I decided, against my better judgement and because I loved him too much, that the kiss could be forgiven and forgotten if he ever did speak to me again and apologize, but I needed to know what else had happened and there was only one way to find out.


"Hello, Jenna York speaking."

"J-Jenna?" I stuttered, a bit taken a back by her professional way of answering the phone.

"Yes, who is this?"

"Um... This is Mag... you know, Skye's..."

"Of course I know who you are Mag!" Jenna cut me off friendly, and for once it didn't sound fake.

"Listen, I got your number from Calum because there's something I want to ask you." I tried to gather my courage as I thought how awkward this would be, but Jenna spoke before I could,

"I was expecting your call. Can we meet up?"

Skye had gone back to work, after I assured her that I wasn't in need of her babysitting anymore, but now I regretted it. I could use her support before meeting with Jenna, especially with what to wear. I felt a need to impress this young woman, and it really did bother me.

I had spent the last few days in pajamas and sweats, doing nothing but crying the first couple days and binging ice cream the next couple, after my short talk with Zayn.

Therefore I took a long shower, decided not to care about my clothes and pulled on my most comfortable jeans and warmest hoodie that wasn't so thick that it would bulge under my coat. My hear was a mess after air-drying so I brushed it through and pulled on my second-favorite beanie. Louis still had my favorite.

Even after my shower, my eyes were still a bit puffy and red but I was too tired for makeup so I just applied blush and decided to act famous and wear sunglasses in this grey early-December weather.

I didn't know the place Jenna had suggested we meet, and I wasn't at all accquainted with the London underground, since almost everyone I knew had a car, so I would have to take a taxi. I made a mental note to check my bank account as soon as possible since I hadn't checked it for about a month and I knew the two savings accounts wouldn't last forever.

I spotted Jenna easily at the café looking drop dead gorgeous of course with her usual red lips, a matching red hat and her long black hair curled to perfection.

She waved me over, and gestured for a waiter as I took the seat across from her. Jenna placed a complicated coffee order and I went for a simple tea, before the waiter left us in silence, apart from the low chit chat that filled the place.

"So Mag," she finally spoke,

"I owe you an apology."

I wasn't so surprised by her apology as I was by the genuine tone in her voice.

"What?" I honestly didn't know what else to say.

"When Calum invited me to come to rehearsals he didn't tell me anything about you and Louis. He said that their new singer would be there, and one of Skye's friends who I might find interesting. I had no idea you guys had something going on until Stacey told me, but then when Louis kept on talking to me before and at the gig, and you were with Calum the whole time... Well I thought maybe you two weren't so serious anyways," Jenna paused, taking a sip of her drink and staring at the cup as she went on,

"Then we were dancing and I was tipsy, he was obviously drunk and well... we kissed, and I didn't think it was a problem after the way I saw you act with Calum and... it got really late, everyone else had left, and I've never been able to remember Skye's adress and Louis obviously hadn't a clue so I invited him back to my place and to be honest, yes I had other intentions than just sleeping but I really thought you guys weren't a thing.

But then when we got back, he was acting different, and I didn't want to push him so I let him sleep on the couch for a few hours, because I knew about his early flight... and that's when it hit me how much he loves you. He just kept on saying your name in his sleep. Repeating it as if he was like, looking for you or something, and then he said that he loved you, that he would never want to hurt you, that you were everything he would ever need.

I just felt so bloody awful, because I had no idea that he felt that way about you, and then when Calum told me what had happened when he got back to Skye's place. It sort of broke my heart, you know. Cause I know how much he loves you, I know this is partially my fault, and I know he would never hurt you on purpose."

"But why did he act like that when he came back?" I asked, still trying to cope with everything she had told me,

"Why did he say all those hurtful things?"

"That's probably my fault," Jenna admitted with a frown,

"After a couple hours, I set an alarm for him and went to bed but I didn't consider the consequences. I should have stayed up and told him that nothing had happened! Don't you see Mag? Louis was upset with himself, because he was afraid that he had done something stupid, and his anger towards himself mixed with the alcohol still in his blood made him blow up and take it out on you.

Look, I'm not trying to make excuses for how he acted, but I felt obligated to tell you what really happened. Louis never had intentions of doing anything with me and he loves you... He loves you so much, and I really hope you won't hold this against me. I honestly wouldn't have tried anything if I knew about you two."

I was considering what she said, when a thought popped up in my head,

"But Jenna... why didn't Calum tell you about Louis and I? Why did he make it sound like Louis was available and that you should try with him?"

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