Loved You First

"Was it possible that all the signs, I had convinced myself were just my imagination, actually were real?

I just couldn't help but wonder how long she'd had feelings for him, even if they were subconcious.
I was sure that I loved her first, but at this point I actually didn't know who she loved first."

A few slightly sexual references (not smut, I don't do that)
A few slightly violent scenes
Use of strong language at times
SELF-HARM references in a couple of chapters


43. 'Tattoos & Gummybears"


I love Tuesdays.. update day!! Yaay ;) I really like this chap so please let me know what you think! :) also a/n after the chap

Enjoy, xoxo M. ;)


Chapter 37

"Tattoos & Gummybears"


Harry's P.O.V.


It had been a few weeks since Mag broke up with Zayn, and he was starting to get better. He was talking a little bit to the rest of us, who somehow magically weren't upset with him anymore (except Niall), and he actually smiled genuinely once in a while.


On the plus side, he had put on a good show at the concerts, well very good considering the circumstances.

On the downside, off stage he was a complete mess the most of the time, and none of us knew how to get to him.

In the good old days, he would usually turn to Louis, when upset but that had changed a while ago. However I did hear from Josh, that they talked sometimes, and he spent a lot of time with Paul too, so even though it wasn't any of us guys, I knew he was talking to someone, and that gave me a sort of peace at heart.


Mag and Louis had been spending alot of time together, but I knew it was just as friends. They confided in each other, and talked about how they felt, since they were kind of going through the same things.

Fortunately for me, spending so much time with Mag, kept Louis off my back, and it wasn't even that awkward being around him anymore.


I spent hours on the phone with Lauren, whenever I had the time, just like Liam did with Skye, and the two of us couldn't wait till his birthday, which they would also attend in London.

Niall was still upset with Zayn, but he was getting over it little by little, and it was only a matter of time, till they would be good. With the rest of us, him and Tally were their usual annoying, hungry, lovey-dovey selves.


If only there was some way we could cheer Zayn up, everything would be back to normal, but I knew how rough a time he was having.

I had been the same just a couple months ago when Louis broke my heart, but then I found Lauren. I knew that Zayn, though, wouldn't just be able to find someone else and move on. What he had with Mag was really special, and you didn't just get over something like that. Well, what I had with Louis was pretty damn special too, but I was able to get over that, right? I guess people are different in that way.


With Lauren it had hit me like a truck. From the moment I saw her, I was immediately attracted, and I had a urge to get to know her, which was weird because I had been so devastated about Louis. Then I discovered what a sweet, nice person she was and it kind of just took off from there. I didn't exactly love her yet, I couldn't say that, since we had only been together for a couple months.

I did believe that true love could exist from early in a relationship like with Tally and Niall, because they were soulmates and meant to be, so of course the love would be there from the start.

Although it wasn't love at first sight for me and Lauren, it didn't necessarily mean that we weren't meant to be did it?

Of course I wasn't sure if she was "the one" for me, after such a short time. I just liked the place we were in right now, and I didn't want to push feelings that didn't exist yet.

We were taking it easy, and it was going perfectly fine.


* * *

Zayn's P.O.V.

Numb. Empty. Dark.

Just a few words that described how I felt at the moment.

What else could I feel, when the girl of my dreams dumped me?

When the girl, I was sure I would spend my whole life with, didn't feel the same.

I had tried to put on a happy face in front of the guys, but they saw right through it, so I just dropped it.

Why pretend anyway?


To make it even worse, I had to cope with Tally and Niall being all couply and Harry and Liam constantly on the phone with their girlfriends, which is why I kept my distance and spent most of my time with the others.

The worst of everything though was how close Louis and Mag were getting. Well, I knew they had always been pretty close and best friends, but it just seemed like it meant something else now that Mag and I had broken up, and I couldn't help but be jealous.



Since the gang was out eating lunch before we had to hit the road again in the evening, I was relaxing upstairs on the couches watching a movie that I wasn't paying any attention to, when something caught my eye.

I got up, walked over to the other couch, and grabbed the pieces of paper, laying under it, instantly regretting when I noticed what it was.

The song I wrote for Mag.

My fingers traced the small letters on the paper as I shut my eyes tight to hold back the tears forming in my eyes.


"Our love is unbreakable"


Oh, how wrong I had been.

Feelings of rage instantly swept over me, as I ripped the pages in halves and then quarters.

A minute later, I was frantically looking for a roll of tape to patch them up again.

When I finally had, I noticed something on the back of the paper, that I had forgotten all about, and I let out a deep sigh.

It was a drawing, well more like a sketch of two tattoos. Mag already had a few tattoos, but I knew she wanted another one, and even though there was no way, she would get a "couple tattoo" after such a short time, I was planning on suggesting it for our one year anniversary.

Something that would never occur now.


I stared at the sketch as thoughts formed in my mind.

Each tattoo illustrated the same. Half a heart hanging from a chain, kind of like those necklaces, and the two halfs fitted together to form a whole heart. I had thought of having something written inside the hearts, but hadn't figured it out yet, and besides I did have about a year to come up with something.

Of course, I didn't need to think about that now.


I looked at the sketch one more time. Looked at thought. Thought and looked.

This was exactly how I felt right now. Like I only had half a heart. I had lost my other part, and had no way of recovering it.

Then an idea formed in my mind, and I quickly ran down to the bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth before I changed my mind.

I quickly grabbed my coat and wallet and just as I stepped outside, someone else was about to step in.

Mag and Louis, without the rest of the group.


"Zayn, mate! What's up?" Louis asked me carefully, and I just shrugged. Something that they were used to me doing nowadays, when they talked to me.

"Where are the others?" I asked without looking at the two people standing there, like the two best, bloody, friends they were.

"Um... They - uh - wanted to go get ice cream for desert, but... Um... I - uh - had a... Well, I was full." Mag replied, even though it was a bit hard to understand through the stuttering.

I still kept my head down, not daring to look at her, when just the sound of her voice caused so much pain to my heart.

"So where you going?" Louis finally asked, breaking the silence and I remembered my plan.

"Out." I replied simply, as I started to walk away.

"Where?" Louis added, and I actually managed to form a smirk, as I turned around to look at him and reply,

"Gettin' a new tattoo."


* * *

Okay maybe this wasn't a good idea. Walking around alone looking for a tattoo parlor, I had looked up on my phone, and not even having an appointment.

Well, if I was lucky, they would have time to take me in anyway.

Finally, after about 45 minutes, I found the place and walked in to a very clean-looking place, with art and sketches decorating the walls, and leather couches in the waiting area.


Apart from someone behind the desk, the front was empty, but I could hear voices from the back.

I walked up to the young bleached-blonde girl behind the desk, who was flipping through a magazine, and obviously hadn't heard the bell, when I walked in.

As I came closer, she eventually closed her magazine and looked up with a slightly bored look.

"Hello, how may I help you?" She asked with an American accent.

"Um... I want a tattoo?" I replied, and she cocked an eyebrow at me,

"I did figure that much... Unless you came to use the loo, or whatever you call the bathroom around here." She said in a monotone voice, but then a slight smile formed on her voice and I chuckled as she went on,

"So what did you have in mind?" She asked, and I took out the curled, taped paper from my pocket.

The girl looked at me and then the paper curiously, as I folded it out, and finally laid it on the counter, pointing to the sketch.

She glanced at it and then nodded knowingly.


"Aha... So I suppose, we're not waiting for someone to come in and get the other half?" She asked, and I simply shook my head looking down.

"Let me just check the schedule." She said, giving me a sympathetic look and pulling out a thick book.

I crossed my fingers that they would have time today, like right now.

I wondered where I would get it. Would I be able to find a place on my right arm?

No, this had to stand alone. It was something special.

Now, it might seem weird, that I wanted a tattoo to permanently remind me of something that broke my heart, but I saw it differently.

It wasn't just a reminder, it was hope. Hope that one day, I would find my other half, and my heart would be whole again.

It was just hard to imagine, that it would be anyone but Mag.


Finally the girl looked up from the book,

"Well lucky for you, this is a slow week, and we do have time today... How big is this gonna be?"

I thought for a while, but couldn't come up with anything.

"Tell you what... Abigail," I said leaning in and reading her nametag, "why don't you decide where I should get it?"

Abigail raised her eyebrows in shock and then shook her head,

"Noo... I couldn't do that. A tattoo is a very personal thing, you have to decide yourself. This is permanent you know?"

I chuckled at her statement,

"Yeah, I know quite a lot about tattoos." I said removing my jacket, revealing my full arm, and I considered pulling off my t-shirt to show her the rest.

She widened her eyes and examined my arm in awe,

"Wow. These are... Oh I absolutely love this one..." she stated staring at my "ZAP" tattoo and drifted off furrowing her eyebrows.

"Wait a minute... this tattoo... I've seen it before, and some of these others too," she looked at the rest of my arm and then up at me, "and you actually look vaguely familiar."

"I haven't introduced myself... Zayn Malik." I said, and she looked at me thoughtfully for a minute, before recognition flashed through her eyes,

"Oh yeah... You're in that band, that had a concert here yesterday! My little sister loves you guys, that's how I recognized your tattoos! I really do love some cool ink, and when my sis showed me some pictures of you guys, I noticed some of yours, which I think are really creative. If you hadn't showed me your arm, I would never have known who you were!"

I simply nodded, not quite knowing what to say, and still wondering where to get my tattoo. I was running out of time, and I had to make up my mind.


"So... Where do you think I should get it?" I finally asked, and Abigail looked at me thoughtfully.

"Are you sure, you wouldn't rather decide yourself?" She asked, and I just shrugged.

I just really wanted this tattoo, and where it would be, wasn't really so important.

"Well... This is just a idea, but since it's like a chain, you could have it around your wrist... I know it's kind of cliché but..."

I cut her off,

"No actually that's a good idea... Yeah... I'll go with that." I said managing to pull a half smile.

"Great!" Abigail exclaimed with a big smile, "let's see... It should only take a couple hours then..." she drifted off and looked me over before going on,

"I think Ada should do this, she just got in and she's free for a couple hours."

"Is she good?" I asked, and Abigail smiled widely,

"She's the best, believe me! And I'm not just saying that, because she's my big sister and sort of boss."

"I thought you had a little sister?"

"I have two, we're actually four girls, Adele is the youngest, 9 years old and loves everything to do with Disney, then comes Ally, she's 15 and loves you guys... Then Abigail, yours truly, 17 years old, loves tattoos and all sorts of art, hair color and 80's bands... Finally Ada, 22 years old, but despite the young age, the best tattoo artist ever and enjoys reading old classics, drawing and listening to all types of music way too loud!"

I laughed at Abigails description of her family, and felt a lot better in her company then I had in a long time.

"Well then, is she ready now?" I asked, excited about the whole thing.

"Yep... Just a sec... Ada!" She called out to the back, and a few seconds later a pretty, young woman appeared.


She had jetblack hair, big piercing blue eyes, and a smile on her face.

"Hey Abby... And who is this?" She asked with a kind voice turning to me.

"A customer... Zayn Malik." Abigail replied and I smiled slightly.

"Zayn Malik... Why does that sound so familiar?" Ada asked with a curious expression and Abigail replied,

"Oh he's in that band that Ally loves so much, you know... He's the one with the cool tattoo!"

Abigail nodded towards my arm, and Ada looked at it with wide eyes,

"Oh, I have wanted to see that in real life ever since Ally showed us those pictures!" Ada exclaimed, and studied my arm just like her sister had, making me laugh.

"What?" They asked in unison.

"Nothing... Just sibling resemblance." I replied and Ada let my arm go.

"So what's the next addition?" She asked and Abigail showed her the paper and explained where and how I wanted it.

"Okay cool, shouldn't be too complicated, you wanna come in now?" She asked and I nodded.

Abigail led me to one of the back rooms while Ada went to get ready.


"Do you want it just like this plain black or should we add some color, maybe some shade?" She asked and we discussed back and forth for a while, as I also told her about the writing I had thought of that would follow the chain around my wrist.


"So... I assume there is a story behind this?" Ada asked, as she started with the chain.

"Yeah... It's complicated..." I said drifting off, and she glanced up at me quickly,

"Is it really... Or does it still hurt too much to talk about?"

Wow, she was good.

I sighed deeply, not allowing myself to cry in front of a complete stranger, who was currently doing my new tattoo.

"Let's just say, I screwed up and it's my own fault... But it still broke my heart... Hence the half heart." I explained and she stayed silent for a while concentrating on her job.

"It's okay if you don't wanna talk about it... I usually talk a lot with my customers, but we can talk about other stuff." She said and I smiled,

"Yeah, talking about something else would be great!"


* * *

While Ada did my tattoo, I found out that her and her family came from Washington, and had moved to England two years ago, when her dad's work, at an insurance company, relocated him.

Apparently her youngest sisters Adele and Ally had caught a slight British accent, but her and Abigail stayed the same.


Ada had loved drawing since she was a kid, and was told in an early age that she had a special gift, and when she grew older she discovered a love for ink art, also known as tattoos and would draw on her and her friends' arms all the time with pens and markers.


When she was only 18 she went to a sort of tattoo school to get a "tattooing license", and when they moved to England she almost instantly got a job at this place, and now she was the employee with most customers, and had met a lot of cool people, though no one famous before me.

Apparently one of her favorite parts of the job was listening to the amazing stories that some people had, and knowing that you're doing something really personal for them that they'll always have.


She seemed like a real genuine, down to earth, cool person and her and her sister had actually managed to pull me out of my depression a bit.

A shame that it was only a couple hours, but when she finished I was very impressed.

I studied my new tattoo in awe.

A thin black chain around my wrist, and a small half heart with a dark red shade that "hung" loosely. Under the chain, going all the way around my wrist, was written in small black cursive letters "half a heart without you".

"So... What do you think?" Ada asked, as I had just paid Abigail at the counter and was putting my coat on.

"I really like it," I replied with a smile,

"Thanks... For everything."

"Well it's my job you know." She said with a shy smile, and I noticed Abigail observing us closely.

There was definitely a reason why she wanted Ada to do my tattoo, more than the fact that she was the best tattoo artist.

"Listen, um I was wondering if I could - uh - get your number? I really enjoyed talking to you." I said lowering my voice and stepping closer to her.

She looked a little taken aback but then smiled,

"Yeah sure," she grabbed a business card from the counter and wrote her personal number on the back,

"You can call whenever you need to talk."

"Thanks," I said walking towards the exit, "it was nice meeting you Ada, best tattoo artist ever... and you Abigail."

"Nice meeting you too Zayn." Ada replied,

"Member of famous boyband, I can't remember the name of." Abigail added making me laugh as I started back towards the bus, actually feeling happy for the first time in weeks.


* * *

Mag's P.O.V.

Louis and I decided to go up and watch a movie, while waiting for the others, and I was flipping through the DVD's when I heard Louis speak up from the couch,

"Do you think he really meant that?"

"Who meant what?" I asked, without looking up.

"Zayn, getting a tattoo."


I froze on the spot, remembering the look on Zayn's face when he saw me and Louis, and how he couldn't even look at us. It was stupid, Louis and I were just best friends, and Zayn knew that, it shouldn't bother him.

Louis didn't even have feelings for me anymore, he was still recovering from Harry, but I had noticed the twinkle and life reappearing in his eyes, opposed to the dullness when he was at his lowest, and I was really happy that he was moving on.

I just wished, I could say the same about Zayn.

Sometimes I felt guilty for being happy and having fun, when Zayn was so messed up, but when I told the others about it, they said it was fine.

Breakups were always harder on one part, and I hadn't done anything wrong besides following my heart.

Harry always said that there was no reason to wallow in my misery, just because Zayn was, if I was actually doing good.


"Hello, anybody home?" Louis pulled me out of my daze, throwing a pillow at me.

"Hey!" I said rubbing my head and throwing the pillow back at him.

"Well, I asked you a question, and then you start ignoring me! So excuse me, for talking to you!" Louis said dramatically, flipping his hair and crossing his arms, making me stiffle a laugh as I tried to look serious.

"Yeah well you know the rules, and now you are never allowed to speak in my presence again!"

Louis looked at me fake offended, and got up from the couch,

"Fine, I don't even want to talk to you. I'm too pretty for this!"

"Well you just talked didn't you?" I said trying to look at him sternly, but after a few seconds, the look on his face was too much and I burst out laughing.

"Oh, I will teach you to laugh at me!" Louis yelled and jumped on me, poking my sides, making me laugh even more.

"I wasn't l-laughing at y-you... I w-was lau-laughing w-with you!" I managed to get out between laughs, trying to roll over and escape Louis.

"That's not true, cause I wasn't laughing, so now you're also lying! I don't even know you anymore!" Louis exclaimed, and I was out of breath, but he finally stopped and got up, leaving me lying on the floor panting, when I felt something hit my forehead and sat up to see Louis throwing gummybears at me.

"Louis! What... Are... You... Doing?" I asked dodging the little bears.

"That's what you get for lying to me." He replied crumbling the now empty bag and tossing it at me as well.

"You're crazy." I said bluntly, rolling my eyes and turning back to the DVD's.

"Anyways to answer your question, I have no idea if Zayn actually is getting a new tattoo, and if he is, that is his own decision."

I noticed Louis looking at me, in the black TV-screen but he remained silent and I finally got up sitting at the end of the couch, under Louis' feet.

"I can't decide on a movie." I stated and Louis pulled over his laptop from the table,

"We can also check Netflix if you want?" He offered, but I shook my head,

"Nat it's fine. The others will probably be back soon, and then we'll have to change anyways, cause if it's a romantic movie, Tally will complain and if it's action, Harry will complain and you know... I'd rather just chill."

Louis simply nodded, and we sat there in silence for a while.


"Sing for me." He suddenly said and I looked at him confused,


"Sing for me." He repeated sitting up and looking me in the eyes.

"N-no... I can't." I replied, looking down to avoid eyecontact.

"Oh c'mon Mag! You have a great voice, and there's no one here but me... Just a little bit?" He pleaded pouting, and it was hard for me to not smile, when he looked up at me through his eyelashes, blinking fast a few times.

"Maybe some other time Lou." I said finally, and he let out a deep sigh,

"Fine... What do you want to do then?" He asked and I thought for a long while, not being able to think of anything.

"We can play 'spin the bottle'!" He offered excitedly and I just stared at him,

"Only two people?"

"No of course not!" He replied, looking at me like I was stupid, "we'll bring in some stuffed animals!"

"Don't being ridiculous! Why don't we play a game?" I asked nodding towards the playstation.

"Which game?"

"Um... GTA or Saints Row?" I offered but Louis scrunched up his face,

"I'm not really in the mood for crashing fancy cars and running people over." He replied and I chuckled.

"We could also just make out." He said wiggling his eyebrows and I looked at him stupidly.

"Yeah, that's such a great idea!" I replied, with the most ironic voice, known to man.

"What? I'm being serious!" Louis continued.

"Of course you are!" I said, playing along on his little game.

"Why won't you take me seriously?"

"Oh Louis, I am!" I replied.


For a few seconds he was silent, until I suddenly found myself lying down, pinned to the couch, Louis' face hovering inches over mine.

I swallowed the lump in my throat, looking him in the eyes, finding it hard to breathe, as my heart pounded against my chest so hard, I was sure he could hear it.

He leaned his head closer, as my heart beated faster and his lips were so close that they just barely touched mine...

"Got ya!"

Louis suddenly said with a huge grin, sitting up and starting to laugh.

That evil little twat!

"What the hell was that?" I said, finally sitting up myself, returning to my normal state.

"You totally thought, I was going to snog you!" He replied still grinning, and before I could say anything he narrowed his eyes and added, "and you wanted me to!"

"I did not!" I yelled, feeling my cheeks redden, because to be honest, when his lips were so close to mine, I was merely seconds away from pulling them into my own.

"Oh yes you did, you're even blushing now!" Louis said with a very amused look on his face, folding his hands behind his head as he leaned back.

I could kill him right now!

"I am not blushing! I'm... having an allergic reaction to your cologne!" I said full of confidence and he raised his eyebrows at me,

"Wow! That was like... the worst excuse ever! C'mon admit it, you totally want a piece of The Tommo!" He said, smirking and I widened my eyes letting out a loud, and might I add very uncharming, laugh.

"Oh you're right Louis! I want you, I need you, oh baby oh baby." I said rolling my eyes and Louis chuckled at me,

"Stop quoting films all the time, you freak."

"Stop acting like you're in one, you idiot!" I fired back.

"Don't call me an idiot!"

"You called me a freak!"

"You are a freak!"

"And you're an idiot!"

"Shut up!"

"Make me!"

"Say that again, and I will." Louis said looking at me challenging.

"Make. Me." I replied with a glare of my own.


Louis and I stared at each other for what seemed like forever, until he quickly scooted over and I felt my mouth being stuffed with gummybears.

"Ugh, gross!" I said spitting out the little colorful things.

"Louis, those were on the floor!"

"Did you see me pick me them up? Relax, they were on the couch!" He replied, and I shook my head at the childish boy, as we heard the group entering the bus.

"Hey guys, stop making out and get down here!" We heard Tally call out, and laughed at the irony of what she said and what had happened.

"You totally wanted it!" Louis whispered in my ear, before running downstairs leaving me dumbstruck.


* * *

PSYCHE!! two times haha!!

Sorry but it's too soon for a Mag/Louis kiss, so don't hate me :)

Please remember to comment, they always make me smile!! And I'd like to know what you think of Zayn's new art and the Ada thing :D.

Also quick shoutout to Lallypop, one of my fave commentors (is that a word), anyways I always love her comments aaaand she just published her first fanfic “How It All Began”, go check it out.. NOW!!


xoxo, M. :)

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