Loved You First

"Was it possible that all the signs, I had convinced myself were just my imagination, actually were real?

I just couldn't help but wonder how long she'd had feelings for him, even if they were subconcious.
I was sure that I loved her first, but at this point I actually didn't know who she loved first."

A few slightly sexual references (not smut, I don't do that)
A few slightly violent scenes
Use of strong language at times
SELF-HARM references in a couple of chapters


44. 'Starry Night, Full Moon'



So, I usually update Tuesdays but as you all know Tuesday is a very very special day... LOUIS' BIRTHDAY!! :D oh yh, and Christmas Eve ;)

so anyways, that's why I'm updating today :D I really really hope, I'll have the time to update before New Years, cus Christmas time is really busy, but  I'll do my best for you guys ;)

anyways, I wanna wish you all a very very MERRY CHRISTMAS!! hope all your wishes may come true aaand a HAPPY NEW YEAR , just in case I don't get to update :) soo

REMEMBER TO COMMENT and I love you all a bunch!!

Enjoy, xoxo M. ;)






Chapter 38
"Starry Night, Full Moon"

Louis' P.O.V.

Stupid, stupid Louis!

What was going on? Was I really falling in love with her again? No, I couldn't let that happen! Look at all the problems and heartache it caused last time. I had to get it into my head, that Mag and I would never be more than just friends, and all these feelings were up in my head. They weren't real!

Although, they did feel pretty damn real when I had almost kissed her, but changed my mind and turned it into a joke.

Thank God I got control over myself! It was a horrible idea to kiss her at this point, but it was getting harder and harder to contain myself.

Ever since she broke up with Zayn, and we spent all our freetime together, my old feelings had just popped up again. Probably because they were never fully gone. I had still been in the process of getting over her, but now there was no chance.

No matter what I said to myself, I was still in love with her, but this time I had to pretend even harder, not to be, and on top of that I had to act cool all the time. I couldn't just stop spending so much time with her, that would just confuse her and hurt her feelings. Besides she had been a really good help, to talk to and I know it would have taken a much longer time to recover from my "Harry-depression", if it hadn't been for her.

But it was still stupid to let myself fall in love with her.
Her thick wavy black/brown locks, her perfect shaped lips that moved so wonderfully when she spoke, her gorgeous smile that melted my heart, and of course those perfect, stunning, sparkling light brown eyes that always mesmerized me, if I looked for too long. And that was only her looks, don't even get me started on her wonderful personality. She was so perfect. How could I not fall in love with her?

But she didn't feel the same. She never had and she never would, and this whole situation was ridiculous!

I ended things with Harry, because I had feelings for Mag. Then Mag got back together with Zayn, my feelings sort of went away, but then Harry got together with Lauren, and now Mag and Zayn broke up and my feelings came back, but she didn't feel the same.
At least I had Liam's birthday party coming up, that I could look forward to.

* * *
(1 week later)

Harry's P.O.V.

"Come on Zayn, show me!" I begged as Zayn was finishing his hair for Liam's party.

We had just arrived in London the evening before, and today was the big day. Liam's birthday and my reunion with Lauren. I couldn't wait to see her again.

"Harry, I told you, I'm not ready for anyone to see it yet!" Zayn replied leaving the mirror and grabbing his cologne.

"Why get a tattoo if you don't want anyone to see it?" I asked, thinking he was being  stupid.

He got a new tattoo a week ago, but he was constantly wearing a wristband, because he didn't want anyone to see it. Crazy boy!

"I have my own reasons." He simply replied and left my room.

I didn't even know why he was getting ready at Lou and I's apartment. I could understand, why Mag did, since she didn't have anywhere else, but Zayn had his own place.

He claimed that it was easier if we went to Niall and Liam's place together, instead of having to pick him up, but I think he just didn't want to be alone.

I have to admit though, that since he got that damn tattoo he had been in a much better mood, so even though he wouldn't show it to us, it had clearly helped. Weird how a little ink could cheer him up so much. Well, Zayn was quite a peculiar man sometimes.

"Harry are you ready?" Louis popped his head in, and I took one last look in the mirror, thinking I look pretty good.

I was wearing my usual black jeans, a white t-shirt and an open blue plaid shirt with the sleeves rolled up. I had styled my hair in it's usual quiffy type thing that I had started recently, and I just really hoped I looked good enough to see my girlfriend for the first time in... well it had only been about a month, but it seemed like much longer.

"Yup, good to go!" I replied, smiling at myself and following Louis into the living  room where Zayn was sitting and texting, while Mag read a magazine, and boy, did she look good!

She was wearing dark blue highwaist pants with a slightly oversized purple button-up shirt tucked into the pants, a thin black belt and long thin golden necklace with a locket that matched her gold stilettos. It had been a long time since I had seen her so fancy, so I was a bit stunned, and she noticed me staring at her.

"Um... Harry? Are you quite okay?" She asked with an amused expression and I snapped back to reality,

"Oh yeah sorry, you just look so... Wow!" Was all I managed to say, making her signature blush creep up her cheeks.

"Doesn't she? I picked out her outfit!" Louis stated with a proud smile, and I noticed his matching outfit, dark blue jeans and purplish/blue shirt, also noticing a hidden glare from Zayn, who quickly returned to his texting.

Who was he writing with anyways?

"Okay, let's go! Tally wants us to help get everything ready!" Louis announced and we all headed out to the car.

Mag had accepted to be the designated driver of the evening, and I was surprised that I didn't even know she had a license before today. I was always the last to know things like that. No wonder people said, I was spacey.

* * *

I knocked on the door to Niall and Liam's flat, to be greeted by a very happy looking Liam.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" We yelled in unison attacking him with hugs and hair ruffling, before entering the place that was fully decorated with balloons, guirlands, confetti and a huge "Happy 20th Birthday!" sign hanging from the ceiling.

"Wow, you guys did a good job!" I exclaimed to Niall and Tally, who were currently handing us all party hats, not mentioning the fact, that the place resembled a kid's party, more than a 20-year old's.

"So Lili, how does it feel to be 20?" Mag asked picking out a glittery gold hat with a built-in blonde wig.

"You know, it really feels different! I woke up today, and I just... Whoosh, felt like an adult!" Liam replied with a grin, clearly joking, and we all sat in the livingroom.

"So Talls, what do we have to help with, looks like everything is ready?" Louis asked, and Tally looked at him weirdly.

"Oh I texted you from Tally's phone, cause I was tired of them making out." Liam confessed, and Tally glared at him.

"Anyways, I have to pick up Skye and Lauren." Liam said, and my head snapped up.

"Can I go along?" I asked, my heart pounding at the thought of Lauren.

"No, all you guys have to help set out the snacks!" Tally ordered, jumping up and I pouted at her.

"Won't work Styles, come on!" Tally said, and we all followed Niall into the kitchen, as Liam left.


"Whoa, did you guys rob a supermarket?" Zayn exclaimed, as we stared at the counter flooded with a hundred different types of chips, chocolate in all varieties, candy and cookies.

On the counter next to the sink were bowls of pasta salad, and the fridge was full of soda and beers, while the freezer was fully stocked with ice cream.

"This is insane! We're only gonna be like 20 people!" Mag stated, opening bags of chips and pouring them in bowls.Today it would only be friends coming over, and tomorrow would be the big family party.

"Well, it's good to be prepared." Niall replied, and we all starting packing out the snacks.


* * *

"Party's here!"

As soon as I heard Skye's voice, I ran into the hallway and attacked Lauren with a huge hug before I even said hi or looked at her.

"I missed you so much!" I whispered into her ear, taking in her wonderful scent.

"I missed you too babe but... Um... I can't breathe, and you'll miss me more if I die!" She replied, and I finally let her go; taking a good look at her, my eyes widened.

She was dressed in a very cool and tight pink/black striped dress with black heels and her hair, her thick curly hair, had been straightened and flowed down her back, topped off with a blue bowlers hat.

She looked amazing.

Skye was wearing a simple red dress with a black cardigan, shiny purple ballerina flats, and her straight hair had been curled.

"Skye, Lauren! Long time, no see!" Louis said, and then looked back and forth between the girls.

"Ah, I see what you did there!" He said winking and pointing at the two girls.

"So whose idea was it to switch identities?" Mag asked, also noticing the change in the two girls' style.

"Lauren's!" Skye immediately said, "but it's only the outward appearance! We haven't changed personalities, thank God!"

"Hey!" Lauren exclaimed slapping her cousin's shoulder.

"Well you're four years younger than me! I'm alot more mature!" Skye replied.

"Well I love your young personality, and I think you look incredible!" I said pulling Lauren in for a deep kiss.

"Oh get a room, would you?" Zayn said joining us in the hallway.

"Ugh, you should have seen those two on the way here!" Lauren said, nodding towards Skye and Liam, "I was afraid we were gonna crash, she was sucking in his face!"

Liam and Skye both blushed, and Louis, being the mature adult he was, wiggled his eyebrows at them.

"Guys, I didn't know we moved the party out here in the entrance!"

I turned to see Niall standing, with Tally on his back attacking his neck.


"Well speaking of inappropiate PDA, lookie who we have here!" Lauren said crossing her arms, and Tally squealed, jumped off Nialls back and pulled both girls in for a hug.

"Oh how cute, you guys match!" Tally said clapping her hands, looking at Skye and Liam, and I hadn't noticed that with his black jeans and red shirt, they did in fact match.

"Great minds think alike." Skye said, pulling her birthday boyfriend in for a kiss.

I did the same with Lauren, and of course Niall and Tally couldn't resist, so Zayn, Louis and Mag were just standing there awkwardly.

I heard Louis whisper something, and after about a minute, the kisses were broken by a big box of confetti being thrown over us.

"How very mature!" Lauren complained, but we all ended up laughing and then settled in fully

decorated, and fully stocked with snacks, livingroom to wait for the rest of the guests.

* * *
Maggie's P.O.V.

The party was full on going, and everyone was having a good time. Even Zayn, but that could be due to the amount of alcohol in his blood. Thank God, I would be the one driving him, Harry and Louis home; they were all bushed!

At the moment, I was sitting alone in the corner of a couch, a bowl of SC&O chips in my hand, just observing for a while. There were a few of Liam's friends, I hadn't met before, but besides them, I knew everyone else. A group of people had essembled in the kitchen, and the rest had formed pairs or small groups in the living room.

Niall, Tally, Lauren, Harry and a few others were slowdancing, in the limited space that wasn't covered with decorations, chairs or people.

Skye and Liam were chatting with a few friends on the other couches.

Zayn was standing with Josh and Sandy, but was apparently more interested in whoever he was texting with, again.

And Louis, well he was sitting on the same couch as me and apparently... staring at me?

"What's up Lou?" I asked, scooting next to him.

"Zayn's hair." He replied winking at me, and I laughed and rolled my eyes at the same time,

"Ah yes, the Adventorous Adventures of One Direction! You guys actually saw that?" I asked, grinning at the memory of the ridiculous, but quite funny cartoon.

"Of course... You think I, of all people, could resist something like that?" He replied, with  a goofy grin.

"Well Louis, to be honest, I'm surprised you didn't come up with the idea yourself, although your joke didn't quite work."

He gave me a questioning look, and I explained,

"I think Harry and Niall, maybe even Liam, have higher hair than Zayn, nowadays!"

"You know what... I think you might be right." He replied, taking a look around the room.

"And by the way, your quiff was higher than Zayn's too!" I added as an after thought and he raised an eyebrow at me,

"Excuse me, but are you blind? It was not!"

"Oh yes it was, I remember the pictures!"

"Well, the camera adds ten pounds!" Louis said crossing his arms, and my jaw dropped,

"To your hair?! How much did you drink? The camera most certainly doesn't add inches to your height, you idiot!" I exclaimed loudly, and he narrowed his eyes at me,

"Well apparently your eyes do!" He said in a childish manner.

"Yours was still higher than Zayn's." I muttered under my breath, trying to keep a serious face.

"Was not!" He yelled immediately.

"Was too!"


"It totally was and you know it!"

"Don't make me shut you up again!" He threatened.

"Well there aren't anymore gummybears, the Irish finished them!" I replied with a superior smile, until he glanced at the bowl of chips in my hand.

"Don't even think about it!" I said, narrowing my eyes, and he held his hands up in defence,

"Relax! Fine you're right... Sometimes my quiff was higher than Zayn's," he finally admitted with a deep sigh, "but none of us could beat Haz!"

He nodded towards Harry, whose quiff was unusually high tonight and I couldn't help but laugh.

"Wow... But it's not always like that though. I've seen it be quite short, it's probably the curls that make it difficult," I defended Harry and after a while added,

"Don't tell him I ever said this, but it has to be said... Those sideburns belong in the 20th century!"

Louis laughed loudly at my statement, and I always loved his laugh. It was really contagious, quite like Niall's.

And the crinkles by his eyes were just adorable, just like the way he would flip his hair... Okay, I did not just quote two of their songs in the same sentence!

But really, Louis was just so cute sometimes, most of the time... well, all the time. There was just something about him, you know? Like he had that one... thing? No, I had to stop quoting their songs!

I guess what I'm trying to say, is that ever since I thought he was going to kiss me, that day on the bus, I had kind of seen him in a different light.
The thing is before, I met them in reality, and fell in love with Zayn, I had been totally caught up in Louis, which was weird cause he wasn't really my type.

I had always been into, well guys with tanned skin, brown eyes, long eyelashes, thick dark hair... like Zayn you know?

But Louis was just so damn beautiful! And hilarious, and to be honest his voice and the way he sang went straight to my heart. And his accent, oh God, the accent!
I would spend hours on Youtube just to hear him talk!

But the day I met Zayn, I fell in love and I only saw Louis as a friend... Until last weekI still saw him as a friend, but I was beginning to realize there might be more. Maybe he was right, that day at the hospital, when he said that I had deeper feelings, but didn't admit it to myself because of my feelings for Zayn.

I loved Zayn, I really did when we were together, but since the Zoe episode my feelings slowly dissolved, and now a month later, I was pretty much over him. I know usually it would take longer than a month to get over someone, but we had only been together about three months, and even though I loved him, I was actually never really sure that he was "the one" for me.

I realized that, when I broke up with him, but that didn't mean I was going to throw myself at the next British boyband member that came my way. Even if Zayn wasn't "the one", that didn't mean Louis was. I didn't even know if I wanted to get involved with anyone at the moment.

I was only 20 years old, I had my whole life ahead of me and it could be years before I met my soulmate.

Why was I in such a rush?


Louis' P.O.V.

"Listen, I have to tell you something," I said slowly, taking a deep breath before going on,

"I've been thinking about it for a while now, and trying to deny it, but I just have to face the facts and the thing is... I'm in love with you, now hear me out okay? I know you and Zayn just broke up a month ago, and you probably aren't interested in a relationship, but I had to let you know how I feel. This doesn't have to change anything between us, if you don't feel the same, but I had to get it off my chest. To be honest I'm going crazy inside, everytime I look you in the eyes, and I think we could really make it, but I understand if..."


I jumped in my spot, and spun away from the mirror only to see Harry in the doorway, looking at me with a very confused and slightly amused expression.

"Shit! You startled me!" I exclaimed clutching my chest.

"How long have you been standing there?" I asked, avoiding eye contact, hoping he hadn't heard to much.

"Long enough to hear that you're either in love with yourself or you have an imaginarry friend, who you're ready to get physical with, which could be quite complicated."

I laughed halfheartedly and sat down on Liam's bed. Or Nialls, I wasn't quite sure whose room I was in.

"Yeah, I wish it was that easy." I said letting out a deep sigh, which emphasized my heavy heart.

Harry shut the door and sat down next to me.

"Go on... Let it all out." He said simply, and I couldn't help but notice the irony of the situation which made me chuckle, and he gave me a questioning look.

"It's funny you know? A while back I would talk to Mag, about my feelings for you and how it would never work out... Now I'm talking to you about... her."

Harry nodded understandingly,

"Ah... So let me guess, you were rehearsing your little speech on telling her how you feel, right before weren't you?" He asked, and I nodded feeling stupid and embarressed.

Rehearsing stuff like that, was something that happened in high school movies, not something a 21-year old man would do.

"You never really got over her did you?"

I shook my head.

"Do you think there's any chance that she knows that?"

I shrugged still not saying anything.

"C'mon Lou, you gotta give me something!"

I sighed deeply, before finding the courage and letting it out,

"You know, I've been in love with her since the first week? Ever since that bloody tourist day, I remember it vividly... And you were the first person I told about my feelings, then little by little everyone found out, and then there was Manchester. I have never been so confused in my life then during that month. I hadn't completely gotten over her, so I ended things with you. Then she got back with Zayn, you hooked up with Lauren, and honestly that really did hurt me, and because of how broken that made me feel, all my feelings for Mag got pushed aside. I didn't realize that they were there all along, so when she broke up with Zayn and we started spending time together... Well, they sort of just popped up again, even stronger than before. You know I almost kissed her on the bus last week,"

Harry's eyes widened in surprise before I went on,

"But I somehow managed to turn it into a joke. Maybe I should've kissed her..." I chuckled at what I had just said, realizing something,

"Well isn't that great? Now our lifes are really portraying our songs. Actually the last few months have been over quite many of our songs... oh I don't even know what I'm saying!"

I buried my face in my hands, getting those overwhelming feelings of being totally messed up again.

Suddenly I felt a comforting hand rubbing my back,

"It's true Louis, our songs do portray our lifes, and you know why?"

I looked up at him, curious about what he had to say,

"Because we sing about things that everyone can relate to. They don't just portray our lives, they portray millions of people! Everyone goes through these types of things, and that's what we sing about! We always said that we want people to think 'yes, that's exactly how I feel' when they hear our music, and it works for us to. We're normal people just like them, going through the same things and there's nothing wrong with that. It's nothing to be ashamed about. It's just how life is. For everyone. And that's what our music is all about. That's why we have different types of songs. Relevant to everyone, including ourselves."

I looked at the young boy in front of me, taking in what he had just said,

"When did you ever get so philosophical?" I asked, and he smirked,

"I may be the youngest on paper, but we all know I'm an old man up here." He replied knocking on his head.

"Yeah you're a real old timer." I said with a slight smile.

"Well have you seen my sideburns?"

I couldn't help but laugh loudly, remembering what Mag had said, about the exact same thing.

"But in all seriousness Louis, when two people split up it really does hurt, but remember that everything happens for a reason... And sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

Harry left the room, and his last words lingered in my head.

Good things fall apart... Harry and I had something good, so did Zayn and Mag but those things fell apart.

Better things can fall together... Well that could be Harry and Lauren, but it could also be Mag and I.

If only I could find out how she felt, before I told her about my own feelings. In that way, if she didn't feel the same, I could spare myself the embarresment. I would just have to think of a plan, to find out and I quickly came up with something.

I left the room, to find the person who would help me, and I walked into the livingroom where the karaoke had started and Skye and Lauren were singing a overly dramati version of "The Way You Look Tonight". I laughed at little at the sight, and wondred where my helper would be, and decided to look outside.

I opened the door and found none other than Mag, sitting on the stairs staring up at the beautiful clear sky.

"Wow, it's beautiful tonight." I said, sitting down next to her, and she just nodded.

"I've always been fascinated by the sky and the stars. On nights like this, I love to just sit and stare at them... It's so amazing you know? There are millions of stars out there, and we only see a decipher of them here on earth." She said, and I knew she had a soft spot for astronomy, so I let her go on,

"You know, ever since I was a little girl... well actually a young teenager, I used to look at the moon and think how incredible it was that millions of people could see the same moon as me at that exact moment, people in places I had never been before. Thinking about stuff like that, you know the universe, it just makes me realize how small I am. It makes my life and problems seem so insignificant. It's kind of my meditation."

"Sounds like a great way to get your mind off things." I said, admiring her way of seeing things. I wondered if she even noticed that I had stopped looking at the sky, and was staring at her instead. Her eyes lit up in an amazing way in the light from the stars and the moon.

"Sometimes I just look at the moon, and I wonder... What if, right now someone else is also staring up at the moon, and that someone could be 'the one' for me? I mean it's a likely thought right? What do you think Louis? Do you think, my soulmate is sitting and staring at the moon right now too?"

I let out a deep sigh, and sat there next to her, turning my gaze to the full moon shining brightly above us,

"Yeah... I'm actually pretty sure he is."

Mag leaned her head on my shoulder, and we just sat there in silence for a while. I fought back the urge to lean my head down and kiss her, which was very hard at the moment, since I could hear her every little breath. Eventually, I had to get up because I was afraid she would hear my heart pounding,

"I'm going back inside. Wanna join me?" I asked and she shook her head,

"I'll be in soon don't worry."

I nodded and entered the flat, shutting the door and leaning against it taking a few deep breaths. I had to do something about this. Right away, I spotted the person I needed and ran over to her,

"Tally, I need your help!" I said grabbing the Irish girl away from her boyfriends face.

"That was very very rude Louis!" she complained, giving me a stern look.

"Look, I'm sorry but I'm really desperate for your help! Please?!"

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