Loved You First

"Was it possible that all the signs, I had convinced myself were just my imagination, actually were real?

I just couldn't help but wonder how long she'd had feelings for him, even if they were subconcious.
I was sure that I loved her first, but at this point I actually didn't know who she loved first."

A few slightly sexual references (not smut, I don't do that)
A few slightly violent scenes
Use of strong language at times
SELF-HARM references in a couple of chapters


79. 'Preparations'

Heelloooooo lovelies!! Yes, this is the update, a new chapter omg, it has been so long! Okay, there will be a A/N after the chap, cause I wanna get right to it but first.. A massive apology to anyone anticipating the Nally/Laury Christmas. I was writing it but had major writer’s block so I skipped straight to NEW YEARS!! Sorry, both couples had a lovely Christmas! Well anyways, if you want you can read the A/N after the chap (with some small hints) or not..
ENJOY, xoxo M. :)


Chapter 68



* Louis and Harry's flat *

 Zayn's P.O.V.

 "Can you believe it?"
 I turned to Louis questioningly, wondering what I was meant to be believing.
 "It's New Year’s already! In just twelve hours... It will be 2014!"
 I simply nodded and continued texting Ada, rushing her to get back to London.

 After the Christmas storm had cleared on the 26th, she had gone to celebrate with her family in Liverpool, while I went to Bradford alone. Skye and Liam had made it to Wolverhampton and visited Skye's parents in Brighton before returning to London on the 30th at the same time as Harry, Lauren, Niall, Tally and I.

Louis had somewhat reluctantly left Mag alone in London, as he went to Doncaster for only two days. When I say reluctantly, I mean that Louis knew Mag probably wasn't alone. Calum had left town on the 26th, just like the rest of us, except Louis who left on the 28th.
It wasn't until he was already in Doncaster that a phone call with Mag, informed him that Calum had returned to London that exact same day.

Now everyone was back in London, except Ada, preparing for the big party and I just wished Louis would quit rambling about how "another year had gone by so quickly".

 "It's been a year with massive changes for everyone... Including you."
 I sensed a change in Louis' voice and turned to him, only to notice that he was studying me seriously.
 "Yeah...?" I knew he was gearing up for a serious "talk" now.
 "Well first the whole mess with Perrie then Mag and all that drama and trouble in between, and now you found Ada."
 Seriously? Was he going to interrogate me about Mag now?
 "You're right," I replied trying not to grind my teeth,
 "I have Ada, and I am perfectly happy with her and with the way things are... So if you'll excuse me, I'm going to call her and find out when she will be here!"

I left Louis in the kitchen and went to the living room where almost everyone was gathered, decorating the place under supervision of Skye and Tally.
 Well mostly Skye, since Tally kept on "coincidentally" stepping under the mistletoe whenever Niall was there. It was Harry's bright idea to keep the mistletoe hanging, the cheesy romantic he was.

"Hey Zayn!" Mag called, while standing tiptoe on a chair trying to fasten one side of a "Happy New Year’s" sign,
 "When is Ada - aaah!"

The chair she was standing on wobbled dangerously and I hurried over catching her in my arms, just as she fell over.

"Oh my God, are you okay?" Lauren and Harry asked simultaneously as I helped her back on her feet.

 Mag looked at me strangely for a second before turning to the others with a smile,
 "Yeah I'm fine... Quick reactions Malik!"
 "That was sick!" Liam exclaimed with wide eyes.
 "Serious Edward skills!" Tally added, making Mag smile widely as she steadied herself on the chair again.
 "Maybe I should take care of that?" I offered,
 "Wouldn't want you to get hurt!" I gave her a small smile, before she looked at me with that strange look again, and stepped down from the chair before going to help Liam and Skye blow up balloons.


"Hey... Zayn?" Harry came up to me, when I was done with the sign and pulled me aside.
 "What's going on Harry?"
 "Um... You and Mag..."
 I cut him off before he could finish his sentence,
 "No no no! Mag and I are certainly not going on!" I tried to keep my voice down, but this was getting to be too much.
 First Louis, now Harry? Why were they suddenly so convinced that something was going on?
 I had been with Ada for a while now; it had been months since I had gotten over Mag.
 And what was with the strange look Mag gave me when I helped her? I thought we had dealt with this.
 "Are you sure?" Harry asked.
 "Of course!" I scoffed,
 "Like I told Louis... I am very happy with Ada... and when Mag and Lou work through their problems, I will be very happy for them!"

I pulled on my jacket and went out on the balcony for a quick fag.

There was a fresh layer of snow on the ground and it was still snowing now, although a lot calmer than a week ago.
 I leaned against the brick wall, blowing smoke rings and watching as they dissolved into the air, when the door opened next to me and a distressed looking Mag walked out. She still hadn't noticed me as she rummaged through her pockets before retrieving her Benson&Hedges and lighter.

"Problems in there?" I asked, startling her and she dropped her cigarette right into the snow.
 She picked up the soaked cigarette and looked at it as if it was a dead puppy and I wondered what on earth had happened in the past ten minutes.
 "That was my last cig." She whispered and let out a deep sigh.
 "Have one of mine." I offered holding out my pack, and she quickly accepted, lighted the cigarette and took a long drag.
 "So... What brings you out here?" I asked casually, flicking my cigarette over the edge of the railing.
 "Need you really ask?" She gave me a knowing look and it occurred to me that no, I didn't have to ask.

Any time Mag was in a foul mood these days it had something to do with Louis or Calum. Or more likely the both of them.
 It was sad really, that nobody needed to see more than a scowl on one of three's faces and know something was wrong involving all of them.

"Calum still coming tonight?" I asked, even though I could guess the answer based on her mood.
 "He's on his way. Should be here in less than an hour. Wants to help prepare for the party."
 "Well that shouldn't be a problem." I said as more of a question.
 "Try telling that to your moody little friend in there!" Mag rolled her eyes, and I hid a laugh,
 "I don't see why it's still such a problem to him! For Christ's sake, Calum is my friend... My bandmate... He's coming earlier to help get everything ready! Everyone else is thankful for the extra hands but Louis... No, of course he has to act like a little bitch with PMS!"

I widened my eyes at Mag's words, as I still wasn't used to hear her swearing so much, but apparently she did that a lot nowadays.
 Especially regarding Louis and Calum.
 Words like twat, daft, idiot, asshole, bloody and especially bitch escaped her mouth regularly when those two boys were within 30 feet of each other.
 I found it amusing how typical British swearwords had found their way into her usual American vocabulary and on one account, I couldn't help myself from laughing out loud when she muttered "daft cunt" with an unmistakable Geordie accent.
 Although that was probably an effect of the Geordie Shore marathons, she denied watching.

"What did he say this time?" I asked, not able to conceal the smile on my lips.
 "Well Calum called, and I told everyone that he was on his way, so Louis said and I quote 'you'd think that Mr. cooler-than-cool would have better things to do than use every fucking excuse to follow you around like a puppy dog'! Obviously Skye wouldn't let that slip since... well she still has issues with Lou and she found it ironic, even amusing that Louis pretty much described what he was doing himself... Louis didn't find it amusing at all. When I excused myself he was coming up with all sorts of new nicknames for 'the giant'!"

I could just imagine Louis muttering all sorts of things, as he considered it a deep disadvantage that Calum was so much taller than him.

"He's just jealous."
 "I know," Mag sighed,
 "But why can't he get over it? Calum is a part of my life, and Louis has to accept that."
 I thought about what she said when something came to my mind.
 "Is Jenna coming tonight?"
 Her reaction was just as I expected.
 Clenched jaw, furrowed eyebrows and a coolness to her voice as she replied,
 "Yes... But she's leaving shortly after midnight to some posh party elsewhere."
 "You don't sound too happy about her coming," I went on, keeping an eye on her from the corner of my eye,
 "I thought you and her were friends now... Or at least not hating each other."
 "I never hated Jenna..." Mag protested but I quickly shot her a look,
 "Okay maybe a little, but only because she was constantly throwing herself at Louis! Calum never threw himself..."
 Mag stopped midsentence and bit her lip and I knew why.

She had told me about pretty much everything that had happened here in London since she arrived.
 I knew that Calum had kissed her, that he told her he liked her more than once, that she had her moments of doubt, but always reminded herself that Louis was the one.

"Listen Mag, Louis loves you... He's madly in love with you, and he definitely knows that Calum likes you. You've only admitted it to me, but people can tell when someone likes the person they're after. Remember when we first met? I could tell Louis had a thing for you back then, and he can tell with Calum now. He's just being protective. You saw how Jenna acted with Louis, and even though she's backed off now, you still resent her a bit. That's how Louis feels about Calum."

Mag sighed deeply again, threw her cigarette bud away and rested her arms on the railing.
 "It's not the same Zayn... Calum kissed me once, without my consent... and apologized. Louis was the one who kissed, actually snogged Jenna... and then went home with her. I know nothing happened and I forgave him for the kissing... But I still don't feel comfortable having her around him!"
 Before I could reply, Mag quickly stomped back inside, slightly slamming the door.
 Damn it.


Mag's P.O.V.

 What was Zayn thinking, comparing Calum and I to Jenna and Louis?
 They were completely different situations! I was just happy he didn't mention anything about himself and I...

"Hey Mag, can we talk for a second?" Skye interrupted my thoughts, and I quickly followed her to the guestroom.
 "So... I see you and Louis still have complications."
 "Well jealousy is an awful thing, and it takes time to work on." I replied simply, wondering what her point with this conversation was.
 "Right... and when you say jealousy you mean Louis being jealous of Calum?" Skye was avoiding looking at me now, and I was getting more and more confused,
 "Because I'm not sure if Calum is the problem here."
 My head snapped up towards Skye, who was staring me straight in the eyes and it felt like forever before she spoke again,
 "He saw Mag. Louis saw you two."
 Well this was just fucking great!


*** Flashback, December 26th ***

 "It was really great meeting you!" I told Ada as she was about to leave.
 It was still early, but she wanted to be in Liverpool as soon as possible. Luckily, the others weren't leaving until later, so I wouldn't be alone just yet.
 "Likewise! And I can't wait to see the band again!" Ada replied.
 We had already arranged for her to come to our next gig sometime in January.
 "Are you sure you don't want to come to Bradford?" Zayn asked, wrapping his arms around her from behind.
 "I would love to, you know that," she said turning around to face him,
 "But I'm sticking to the original plan, meaning that I go to my family today. I'll be back on the 31st on time for the party."

I left the two of them to say their goodbyes and settled on the couch with one of Skye's fashion magazines.
 I was thankful for some peace and quiet since Skye and Liam had gone back to bed after a quick goodbye to Ada, Calum had also just left and Louis was quick to take over the bed in my room as soon as Zayn and Ada had gotten up.
 I was reading an article about Karl Lagerfeld, when I felt someone sit down in the couch.

"Do you miss her already?" I asked Zayn as I saw his glum expression.
 "A bit," he replied,
 "It's like I haven't seen her in forever and then we only get a few days together. Of course I'm going to miss her."
 "Well in a couple months the tour is done and you'll get to see her more often." I tried comforting him but only received a simple shrug,
 "It doesn't help to think about "in a couple months" right now... So what's going on with you?"

 We talked for a while about the band that I was still adjusting to, Skye's stories from work and drifted off to Louis and I before I ended up telling him everything that had happened with Calum and I. Meeting him, the "date", the kiss, him telling me that he liked me. Everything. And I felt sort of relieved afterwards.
 It was nice to finally have someone else to Skye to talk to. Someone who I had a special connection with.

 "I hate to say it Mag, but I kind of understand why Louis doesn't like the guy."
 Well, I had expected that sort of reaction.
 "But does it matter how Calum feels if I don't feel the same?"
 "Hey, I'm not saying it's okay for Louis to be insanely jealous," Zayn went on,
 "I just see why he resents him. I wouldn't be too happy with someone who made passes at my girl."
 "But I'm not Louis' girl!"
 "And whose decision was that?" Zayn asked pointedly,
 "If Louis got to decide, you would be his girl and you know how he feels. It's a normal reaction to someone you love, if you feel someone is trying to take them away."

It was clear that Zayn was now avoiding my gaze and I suddenly felt a pang of guilt over the whole Zayn/Louis thing even though it was months ago now.
 Zayn and I had broken up before anything serious happened between Louis and I, but I still felt bad for "moving on" so quickly. It made me question if my feelings for Zayn had ever been real and that made me feel even worse.

 "Zayn, I'm sorry!" I blurted out taking him by surprise.
 "What are apologizing for?" He asked confused.
 "For the way I treated you... after we broke up."
 "You didn't do anything wrong. I was the one who shut everyone out. All you did was hang out with your best friend... and eventually you fell in love with him. Nothing to be sorry about."

Something in Zayn's tone made me unsure if he was being sarcastic or not, but I decided to leave it at that.
 Zayn, apparently, didn't,
 "I still think you had feelings for him all along though."
 "Well then I'm sorry for not realizing that sooner," I tried again,
 "I'm sorry that I thought I was in love with you, when I actually was in love with him. I'm sorry that my brain couldn't keep up with my heart and realize that I didn't have feelings for you!"
 I hoped he noticed that I was being sarcastic now, but how could I apologize for something I couldn't control.
 Zayn's eyes travelled to the frame with pictures Louis had given me, which was temporarily hanging over the TV.
 "Do you still have the photo album I got you?" Zayn asked, surprising me with the sudden change of subject.
 "Of course," I replied,
 "It was an amazing gift, filled with great memories."

Zayn was silent for a long time and it was impossible to know what he was thinking. When he started speaking, his voice seemed far away,
 "When you broke up with me, you broke my heart. I knew it was my fault, but I was still broken... I thought I would never get over you, but then I met Ada. The reason why I miss her so easily, why I want to spend time with her is because... I know we won't last."
 Wow, where did that come from?
 "Zayn, what do you mean..."
 "Ada was my sanctuary whenever I needed to get my mind off everything, because she was so far away from all the madness. But eventually she will become a part of my world and be sucked into the madness that she used to save me from."
 "So, what are you saying? That you only fell in love with her, because she wasn't a part of all this?" I asked, not quite comprehending what was going on.

"I fell in love with her because she made me feel like me again. She kept me grounded. With her there was no One Direction, no Harry, Liam, Louis or Niall, no worries about new songs or albums. Of course, I love the band, I love what I'm doing but being famous does something to you... It makes you something that you're not, you will always be portrayed in a certain way and have to keep up that image. Even when I'm just with you guys or my family, everything connected to this world reminds me of that. But Ada... She reminded me of my old life, for the first time in years I felt like I was fully myself. That was the main reason why I fell for her.
 And as soon as she steps into this world... that will be over."

I had a hard time understanding what Zayn was saying, it just didn't make sense to me. I thought he was truly in love with Ada, surely that couldn't just fade away without probable cause. Even more, it was upsetting that he felt this way. To me it sounded like Ada was just some sort of rebound and, in my opinion, nothing could ever justify that.

"But what about the others?" I asked, trying not to raise my voice,
 "Niall and Tally, Harry and Lauren? They're doing just fine! They can cope with it, so why can't you? Aren't you in love with her? Because if you really are, then what you're saying is some serious bullshit!"
 "It's not the same, Mag! Tally and Lauren were a part of this world from the beginning. The way Niall and Harry fell in love was the simple way. With Ada it was... Well, different.
 I was in a vulnerable place and Ada helped me through it. I know it's a weird way to fall in love, but that's what happened. I'm just afraid that when she becomes a part of all this, it will all change. The way I see her and feel about her will change."
 "So in other words, she was your rebound." The words were out of my mouth, before I could stop them, but I didn't care. I couldn't just sit there and not say exactly what was on my mind.
 "I never thought about it like that," Zayn admitted,
 "But maybe you're right."
 "Then you're an asshole!"
 He stared at me in disbelief, obviously shocked at what I said,
 "How can you do that to her Zayn? Ada is one of the kindest girls I have ever met! She's so genuine and has such a pure, helpful heart, she really likes you and you're just going to crush her... Using her as a rebound! Who the hell does that?"
 "It's not like I did it on purpose! This whole time I thought I was truly in love with her..."
 "Oh so you just woke up one day and thought, "hey, I think Ada is just temporary but I'll keep on letting her think that this is going somewhere"? What is wrong with you?"
 "It's not like that!" Zayn had raised his voice now too, both of us forgetting about the sleeping people in the apartment.
 "Then what is it Zayn? What exactly is going on inside that side of yours, because to me..."
 "I might still have feelings for you!" Zayn blurted out, cutting me off.
 I stared at him blankly, utterly speechless. I honestly had no idea what to say, so I just sat there. Staring at him with wide eyes.
 "Lately... I've found myself thinking about you, the way that I used to think about you. These past few days, I've been stealing glances, catching myself daydreaming. I don't know where this is coming from and to be honest it's scaring me!"
 "You don't have feelings for me," I merely muttered,
 "You got over me a long time ago."
 "That's what I thought! Listen, I don't know if I still have feelings for you... It could just be my head getting all messed up, but it's put everything in perspective and put doubt in my mind about Ada. Until I figure out what's going on... I don't think Ada and I will last much longer."
 "Kiss me."
 Zayn looked at me confused, as if he wasn't sure if he had heard me correctly,
 "Excuse me?"
 "Kiss me." I repeated myself staring firmly at him,
 "Just to see what happens. If you kiss me and don't feel anything then you know and this stops now."
 "What if I do feel something?"
 I took a deep breath,
 "Then we'll take it from there." I replied, hoping that wouldn't be necessary.
 If Zayn really did have feelings for me, on top of the whole Louis situation, I would have to leave. For good.
 "Are you sure about this Mag?"
 "It's the easiest and quickest way to figure out how you feel and the sooner, the better." I replied, trying to ignore the guilt.

He had a girlfriend, but I was doing this for her. If he didn't have feelings for me, he could focus on Ada and forget those stupid thoughts. If he did, well then he could end things with her before she got too attached. Either way it would spare her a lot of unnecessary pain.

Zayn moved closer, and I braced myself for what was going to happen.
 For a second it occurred to me that I wasn't just worried about Zayn's reaction. I was worried about my own. Of course, I hadn't had feelings for Zayn in a long time, but what if a kiss brought back all those feelings? All those memories?

Instead I decided to focus on Louis. I thought about him, his eyes and the wrinkles they got when he smiled. That beautiful smile that made my heart flutter. The way he would look at me, as if I was the prettiest thing he had ever seen. The way he used to let me play with his hair - his soft, soft feathery hair that felt what I imagined clouds must feel like. The warmth and comfort I felt when he held me tight, as if every bad feeling and thought just vanished.

Before I knew it, the kiss was over and the only thing I felt was how much I loved Louis.
 I waited for Zayn's reaction for him to say something. He looked at me for a while, his expression unreadable, as if waiting for something to happen.
 Finally, he spoke, and I've never been more relieved to hear one single word,

 *** End of flashback ***

I told Skye what had really happened between Zayn and I, so she wouldn’t suspect anything but something just wasn’t adding up,
“But Skye, if Louis saw us… why didn’t he say anything? I would expect him to blow up over something like that.”

“Well, according to Louis, when it happened he was about to explode. He was furious, but he stopped himself and later he told me about it. Besides Louis, only Harry and I know. Anyways, I convinced him to keep cool and talk to you about it before jumping to conclusions, I don’t know why he still hasn’t confronted you but… well I think, that’s why he’s acting up more than usual. I think he’s projecting his anger and jealousy towards Zayn over to Calum. He doesn’t want to face the possibility that you and Zayn might have something going on, and the fact that Calum likes you so he’s just putting it all onto Calum. He knows you don’t have feelings for Calum, but you and Zayn have all that history so he probably sees Zayn as more of a threat than Calum, which is why he won’t accept it. Do you even understand what I’m saying?”

My head was spinning with everything she had just head, but it in a strange way it made sense. Louis didn’t want to face Zayn as a threat, and it was easier just to lay everything on Calum, who wasn’t a friend of his anyways.
“But the kiss between Zayn and I was innocent! It was just a test that needed to be done, and none of us felt anything.” I sighed in frustration.
“Louis don’t know that Mag. The best thing to do, and the only thing, is talk to him about it. Before he overloads and explodes on both Calum, Zayn and possibly a bunch of other people.”

Skye started to walk out of the room, but stopped and turned to face me again,
“And give him a little credit, Mag. He saw you and Zayn kissing and hasn’t even broken anything. You have to admit, there have been slight improvements.”

Skye was right. Louis may have been a bigger jerk towards Calum, but he was acting a lot better than anyone would expect after what he saw. Nevertheless, I was dreading the conversation I was going to have with him. I just hoped he would understand why I did what I did.




SOOOOO TA-DAH! What will happen now??? Do you understand why Mag did that, or was she totally in the wrong? Anyways, next chapter will be the conversation with Louis and the NEW YEARS PARTY!! Hopefully, it won’t take as long! Ever since I started school in August, my whole life is basically studying (I just started studying to be a teacher, yaaay!) and the little freetime I do have, I try to spend time with my friends, so not only is it hard to find time to write but my head is literally so tired from school that it’s hard to get inspiration to write, but I’ll try my best because I am determined to finish this story, and continue with the sequel! By the way anyone remember that poem thing at the end of “All You Need Is Love”? Because many of the hints have already happened but try to go back and read and see if you can find anything that hasn’t happened yet!
Anyways about the part, well I’m really close to my decision but I’m gonna wait until the next chapter before deciding AT LEAST because… well, I want to be sure about my choice, and I’ll let the lucky girl know by then! However, I can safely say that her first appearance will be in the last chapter of this story (which is soon, eek!)
Anyways, I also want to thank all of you who have stayed this long, even though I have sucked at updating and who always comment, it means A LOT! Love you guys!!!! I’ll try to update sooner!
Xoxo, M.

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