Loved You First

"Was it possible that all the signs, I had convinced myself were just my imagination, actually were real?

I just couldn't help but wonder how long she'd had feelings for him, even if they were subconcious.
I was sure that I loved her first, but at this point I actually didn't know who she loved first."

A few slightly sexual references (not smut, I don't do that)
A few slightly violent scenes
Use of strong language at times
SELF-HARM references in a couple of chapters


40. 'Lies, lies, lies'

Hello lovelies :)

so, I'm gonna start doing weekly updates cus I really don't have the time to update more than once a week so yeah :) and sorry if this chapter is short /:

anyways, if you remember the poem thingy thing that had hints for what would happen in this story, then everytime one of those things happens, you'll see a part of the poem written in bold at the start of the chapter, just wanted to let u know that :) ..sooo you're all wondering who the girl is and you're about to find out! :D

pleeease comment comment comment!! :)

Enjoy, xoxo M. ;)


Chapter 34

"Lies, lies, lies"

Scars revealed, secrets told, how much could this love hold?

Zayn's P.O.V.

I couldn't believe she actually showed up here!

Was she going to ruin everything?

If only, I had just already done, what I should have done a long time ago.

My head was consumed with thoughts, during the whole concert, but I put on the best face, I could for the fans' sake.

I hoped the boys didn't realize she was here; they would flip, if they knew I was still in touch with her.

Mag, on the other hand, had no idea about her or had ever seen her before, and I wanted to keep it that way.

I would take care of this subtly and discreetly after the show.

* * *

"Wow, you guys were fantastic!" Tally exclaimed jumping in Niall's arms, as soon as we got off stage, and Mag nodded in agreement, awarding me with a post-concert kiss, like always.

We were all buzzing, and hyper after a great show, but reality hit me, and I knew I had to take care of things.

"Babe, I have to talk to someone really quick, be right back, okay?" I said, and Mag gave me a confused look, but nodded, and I found my way through the halls, pulling out my phone, noticing I had already received a text.

"You were incredible!! Can I see U now? Xx"

I tapped out a quick reply, telling her to come round the back, and found my way out, making sure the boys didn't see me.


I went through the exit doors, and saw the bus, the cars, a few of the crew members and finally one of our security talking to someone.

"It's fine, I know her." I said calmly, as I walked up to them, and the guard left us there.

"Hi, Zayn." She said with a bright smile, making everything worse.

"Hello Zoe." I replied bluntly, showing no emotion at all.

"Listen, we have to talk." I said, and she looked at me, with a worried expression.

How did I even get myself in this situation?


*** Flashback ***

4 months ago

It had been a month, since Perrie and I broke up, and I was still walking around in a daze, not able to comprehend anything.

How could she cheat on me?

I was visiting my family in Bradford, and was sitting a café, when I saw a familiar face.

"Zayn? Zayn Malik?" She said in a hushed voice.

"Zoe Whelan!" I exclaimed, surprised to see her here, and she nodded with a bright smile.

"Mind if I join you?" She asked, and I shook my head, as she took the seat across me, with her coffee and muffin.

"What brings you to Bradford?" I asked curiously, after sitting in silence, for a few minutes.

"Well, I live here now!" She replied with another smile that somehow made my heart flutter. Weird.

"Been living here for a while... since Niall and I split up." She added, smile fading a bit.

Her and Niall had been a great couple. Perfect actually, but suddenly for a reason that only the two of them knew, they just split up.

The rest of us, never heard why, but Niall had been unusually cross with me. I didn't think much of it back then, and he was fine now.

"So how are you, and the rest of the guys?" She asked, breaking my train of thought.

We talked for what must have been a couple hours, ordering fill-ups of coffee and tea, pretty much having a great time.

I didn't think Niall would have a problem with it, since he was over the breakup, and we were just having a friendly chat.

Okay, so there might have been a little flirting, but that never hurt.

I admit, I had always found her gorgeous, but being my best friend's ex, she was totally off limits.

After a few hours, I realized I should be getting home, but for some strange reason, I didn't want to leave.

"If you don't mind me asking, why did you and Niall break up so sudden?" I inquired in an attempt to keep the conversation going a little longer.

She looked down, and started fidgetting nervously with her cup, as she answered,

"Being with Niall was like a fairytale. Turns out, fairytales end where they do, for a reason. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work... I'm gonna be completely honest with you now... I realized that as much as I cared about him, I had feelings for someone else... and it wouldn't be fair for anyone, to go on with the relationship. So i explained how I felt, and we ended things."

She avoided my gaze, and I got a strange feeling.

I really should have left it at that, but of course, I had to push it.

"So did you ever tell the other guy how you felt?"

She glanced up at me, biting her lip, and she really didn't have to say more.

We sat and looked at each other for a while, before she finally decided to leave, so we payed the check and walked outside.

We were going in opposite directions, and after a quick goodbye, I started walking down the street, but after about 15 meters I stopped and spun around.

"Zoe!" I called out, running to catch up with her, and she looked at me confused.

I searched for a pen in my pocket and quickly found one.

"Listen, if you ever wanna talk or anything... Just call me, or text you know, whatever you feel like." I said, scribbling my number on her hand.

She looked at it, and then up at me,

"Thanks Zayn... I guess, I'll see you around." She replied with a shy smile, and I simply nodded, winking at her before she walked away.

When I got back to London the next day, of course Twitter had one point on its agenda,

What was Zayn Malik doing on a date with Niall Horan's ex?

The boys, especially Niall, were not pleased.

I convinced them that it wasn't a date, and we just bumped into each other, but Niall was the only one who knew that she had feelings for me.

I admitted that we had exchanged numbers, but promised it was only as friends, and even though he was pissed, we left it at that.

I, wisely, didn't mention that I had butterflies twirling in my stomach while talking to her.

*** End of flashback ***

During the month, before I met Mag, Zoe and I texted and talked regularly, and I'll admit, I was slightly crushing on her, but looking back, it was probably some sort of rebound thing after Perrie.

Far from real love, that hit me the moment I saw Mag.

When Mag and I started dating, Niall had pulled me aside, asking if I still talked to Zoe, and I told him we texted once in a while as friends.

But when we did text, Mag never came up and it was so stupid of me.

I knew that she must have heard about Mag and I's relationship, but she never asked, and I never brought it up, so it was my own fault for leading her on, and still texting her in the same manner.

The point of talking to her now, was to lay out the cards and end our digital flirt, or whatever it was.


"Zayn? We need to talk?"

I snapped out of my thoughts, and looked at the girl smiling patiently at me.

"Sorry, I zoned out a bit." I replied, not quite knowing where to start. I took a deep breath, and looked at her as I spoke,

"Look, Zoe... I should have done this ages ago... The thing is, I have a girlfriend, which you probably know, and I really loce her. I know, I was stupid for not mentioning it before, but yeah I don't know. What I'm trying to say is that... Well... Whatever we have going on with the texts and calls, it has to end."

Zoe looked at me expressionless, but then finally smiled sadly,

"Yeah I figured... I heard about your relationship, but you never mentioned it so I guess, I didn't really know what to think."

"I'm really sorry for leading you on..." I started but she cut me off,

"No Zayn it's fine... I guess, I just needed to hear it from you in person. We would never have worked out anyways, you being best friends with Niall and all."

She still had that sad smile, and I pulled her in for a hug, and of course at that moment I heard the door burst open, and a familiar voice,

"Zayn are you... Zoe?"


I turned around, and saw the blondehaired boy staring at us with wide eyes.


I didn't even finish my sentence, before he turned around and ran back inside, and I didn't have to think twice before running in after him.


"Niall! Hey, wait up!" I called, running after him through the corridors.

Man, that boy was fast!

"Niall, look it's not what you think!"

Finally he stopped and turned to me with an angry expression,

"What is she doing here? What are you doing here with her? Does Mag know about this?" He asked me all at once, and I took a few minutes to catch my breath,

"She was at the concert, okay? I didn't know she was coming, and I was just talking with her to end things..."

Apparently that was the wrong thing to say, as his face turned red, and he practically yelled,

"End things? What things? I thought you were just friends! You've been with Mag for almost three months now!"

He turned around again, and started walking in a fast pace, as I tried to keep up with him once again.


We passed by Liam, on his way to the bathroom,

"Hey Niall did you find... Zayn! Where have you...?"

"Not now Liam!" Niall and I said in unison, and continued to walk.

"Niall, will you just stop!" I yelled, and he stopped again just looking at me.

"Zoe and I weren't more than friends, I didn't mean it like that. I just meant, that I wanted to make sure, that she knew, we weren't more than that." I said, hoping it sounded better, than my last explanation, but his expression didn't change.

"Why would she think you were more than that?" He asked, and I let out a deep sigh,

"I don't know Niall! I just... Please, just... Don't tell Mag?"

"Tell me what?"


Liam's P.O.V.

I was on my way to the bathroom, when Niall, who had been looking for Zayn, came rushing by looking very angry,

"Hey Niall did you find..." Oh Zayn was right after him,

"Zayn! Where have you...?" I was cut off by the two boys shouting,

"Not now Liam!"

What was that all about?

We had all been buzzing and in a good mood, after the show, but now Zayn and Niall looked upset, and Louis had disappeared.

Almost no one had been their selves for a while, and I had to do something about it!

But first... Toilet.


I grabbed the handle, relieved that the door wasn't locked, and I burst in, meeting the sight of Louis pulling his pants up.

"AH! Liam!"

"Shit, I'm sorry, the door was..." I had semi-closed the door again, but stopped midsentence, and opened it again.

Louis had his pants on, and closed the belt, before washing his hands, looking very focused.

"Louis... Take your pants off." I said bluntly, and he looked at me with a weird, but nervous expression,

"What?" He asked, and I repeated my statement.

"Um... I'm sorry Liam, but I'm not really attracted to you in that way..."

I rolled my eyes at him and said angrily,

"Stop being such an idiot! If you don't take off your pants, then tell me that I didn't see what I think I saw!"

"Well, I don't know what you think..." I cut him off, yelling,

"Now is not the time to be sassy Louis! Did I or did I not see bloody scars on your thigh?!"


Louis looked at me expressionless for a long time, until something I didn't expect happened. He started to cry. He fell to his knees, and I rushed over to him, sitting down holding him, and brushing the side of his head, like you would do to a kid.

"It's alright Lou... Okay, just take it easy..." I said soothingly as the sobs died down a bit.

"I don't know what to do anymore Liam... I just feel so pathetic!" He said, wiping away his tears vigorously.

"Hey, it's okay mate... Tell me what's on your mind." I said calmly, as he let out a few sobs.

"Harry... and the fact that I'm a stupid twat who doesn't deserve anything!"

"What do you mean by that?" I asked, surprised, feeling sad that he had these type of thoughts.


"Well I've been a total jerk these past months! First I fell in love with Mag, and made her all confused when she was on a break with Zayn. Then I ended things with Harry, breaking his heart, and I ran out of that bus, getting myself kidnapped so we had to delay the tour... But what hurts most it what I did to Harry... After all we went through, all the things he's done for me. During the past three years, I never proved that I loved him as much as he loves me. I have always taken him for granted, and then I just shattered his heart into a million pieces and now..." Louis voice broke, as the tears came back,

"Now he moved on... And... And I'll n-never have m-my Har-Harry back!"

He burst into tears and it took me a good while to calm him enough to be able to reply,


"Louis, you blame yourself too much. Everything with the kidnapping and with Mag and Zayn, none of that is your fault. About Harry... well it hurts to get your heart broken, but it doesn't help to hurt yourself more." I nodded at his legs, and he avoided my gaze.

"When did you... You know?" I asked, not being able to say the words out loud, and he started digging at a hole in his jeans.

"Yesterday on the bus. I just felt like anything would be better than the emotional pain. And the scars, they'll go away, unlike the scars in my soul. It was so weird, I got a sort of rush, and for a while, I was able to focus on something else than my inner battle. Afterwards, I felt like... Refreshed, I was even happy..."

He drifted off, and I just couldn't understand that he had done that to himself, and when he explained it, my mind just couldn't follow his thoughts.

"Please don't tell the others, especially not Harry!" He pleaded looking me intensely in the eyes, and I thought about it for a while.

"Alright... But promise me you'll never do it again!" I said looking at him sternly, and he bit his lip before nodding,

"Okay I promise."

I really hoped he would keep that promise.

* * *

Maggie's P.O.V.

"... don't tell Mag?"

"Tell me what?" I asked, as I finally spottet Zayn and Niall, hearing the last part of their conversation.

Zayn looked at me with wide frightened eyes, as Niall continued to stare at him, eyes filled with rage.

If looks could kill!

"Mag... Babe... Hey!" Zayn said, and I looked at him expressionless.

"Tell me what Zayn?" I questioned again, crossing my arms.

"Go on Zayn, tell her yourself then!" Niall said challenging, his eyes never leaving Zayn.

"Oh God... Babe, I have to tell you something..." Zayn started but drifted off.

"Yeah, I got that so get it out!" I said through gritted teeth, growing impatient.

He walked over to me, and held my hands as he started to explain,

"Well, there's this girl,"

A girl. That was a good start!


"Actually it's Niall's ex Zoe. After Perrie and I broke up, I met her in Manchester, and we talked for a while, as friends and exchanged numbers to stay in touch as friends! So we texted a little, talked on the phone, but nothing big. Then I met you, and of course, I fell in love.

Anyways, Zoe came to the concert tonight, and I met with her afterwards, to make sure she didn't think we were more than friends..."

"Why should she think that, if she knows about you me, cause of course you told her about that?" I asked, already knowing the answer, but wanting to hear the answer from him.

"Well... No, it never really came up..." He replied looking down.

"Aha. So did you ever think that she might get the wrong picture when you don't tell her about your girlfriend, and you talk on the phone with her saying that you miss her and call her babe?!" I practically yelled, and his eyes widened.

"You what?" Niall shouted in fury, as Harry, Tally, Liam and Louis joined the scene from different directions looking completely confused.

"You... You heard that?" Zayn asked in almost a whisper, and I narrowed my eyes at him, pulling my hands away,

"Yeah I heard it! 'I miss you babe, it's been too long, we'll get to see each other', and then you lied right in my face, saying that you spoke to your mum!" I was yelling now, and everyone looked confused, except Niall, who was boiling with anger.

"What's going on?" Harry asked, and Niall explained everything, while glaring at Zayn.

"Zoe... That Zoe?!" Harry asked, and they all turned to Zayn who now had 6 pairs of eyes staring angrily at him.

"Look I'm sorry Mag, I don't know what I was thinking! I should have told her about us..."

I cut him off,

"Yes you should have! And you shouldn't have talked like that to her, when you have a girlfriend, and she's your best friend's ex, and you shouldn't have lied to me! What the hell is wrong with you?"

"Babe I'm so so sorry... Please tell me how to make it up to you... Please Mag, forgive me..."


He was suddenly cut off by the sound of my hand slapping him right across the cheek.

Without another word, all eyes staring at us, I stomped out of there, quickly hearing footsteps behind me, making me break into a run.

I couldn't even look at him right now.


How could he do that? Talking like that to another girl behind my back, behind everyone's back, for months, while going on about that we were meant to be, and our strong love.

He even lied to my face, and that one little thing, made me think that everything had been a lie.

My whole fairytale perfect world came crashing down around me, and I just felt like everything around me was dark. All those words he said ran through my head wiped out by "Lies, lies, lies!"

If he could do something like that, and lie to me how could he say that he loved me?

I didn't even know what was worse, but the fact that he didn't tell her about us, must say a lot about how he felt for me, right?

I was so stupid! I truly believed we were meant to be, that we were destined.

Maybe I was overreacting, but the pain in my chest hurt so bad, I didn't know if I could forgive him.


I ran through the corridors towards the exit, until I felt a pair of strong arms wrap around me, and I collapsed on the floor breaking into tears.

"Shh... Calm down."

I looked up, and through my blurry vision I saw a pair of stunning blue eyes looking down at me.

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