Loved You First

"Was it possible that all the signs, I had convinced myself were just my imagination, actually were real?

I just couldn't help but wonder how long she'd had feelings for him, even if they were subconcious.
I was sure that I loved her first, but at this point I actually didn't know who she loved first."

A few slightly sexual references (not smut, I don't do that)
A few slightly violent scenes
Use of strong language at times
SELF-HARM references in a couple of chapters


62. 'Disconnected'

Chapter 55


Mag's P.O.V.

Calum connected our lips, taking me completely by surprise, and I widened my eyes before quickly pulling away, staring at him. Part of me wanted to slap him, part of me wanted to yell at him, but instead I just stood there staring at him speechless and unable to move.

After an intense minute, I finally pulled myself together,

"What the hell was that?!" I practically yelled at him.

"Um... a kiss?" Calum replied, clearly surprised by my reaction. Really?

"I know... but why?"

"I like you," he replied, shrugging like it was no big deal, "I'm not like in love with you, I've only known you a few weeks. But I do like you."

"But you know that I have a..."

"Boyfriend?" Calum cut me off, "because you don't. Last I heard, you're not in a committed relationship."

Damn it, why did he have to hear that phonecall?!

"Louis may not be my boyfriend, but he loves me, and I love him!"

"Yet here you are in London, with me."

I didn't know how to reply to that. Probably because he was right. Why was I in London, instead of with the man I loved? I was starting to have second thoughts about this whole coming to London thing, but snapped out of it. I did love Louis, but I still needed time to think everything through, especially with his extreme jealousy issues. I wasn't going to throw myself into anything with Louis, until I was totally sure about it. Besides I had the band now, finally doing something I loved, and having other friends in London than the boys.

"Look, I... I'm really sorry!" Calum finally said, reminding me that I wasn't alone with my thoughts right now, "I shouldn't have kissed you, it was totally out of line! Can we just forget about it?"

He did look like he really regretted it, and I didn't want there to be any weird vibe between us, so I nodded slowly,

"Yeah, sure... As long as this never happens again!"

I pointed my finger at him strictly making him smile,

"No don't worry. I don't wanna jeapordize our friendship, or have the band kill me for making you leave!"

As we walked back to his car, there was an awkward silence, making me cringe inside. It was like there were so many things left unsaid in the air, but I couldn't figure out what they might be. I surely had nothing else to say, it was more like a vibe I got from him.

I turned my head to look at him and sure enough, he had a thoughtful and confused expression on his face.

"Is something bothering you?" I asked him, "If it's the kiss, don't worry it's okay."

Calum shook his head, staring at the ground.

"It's just a little... strange for me."

"What's strange?"

"Well," he said getting in the car and starting it, "This is going to sound arrogant, but... I'm not used to being rejected."

"Now why would that sound arrogant?" I replied, my voice laced with irony, and he gave me a don't-go-there look.

"It actually doesn't come as much of a surprise." I said before I could stop myself, and he looked at me weirdly,

"Why, because I'm so irresistable?"

I slapped his arm, rolling my eyes,

"Oh shut up! No, but Skye told me something, and it makes sense with what you just said."

Shit, I shouldn't have said that!

"Well why am I not surprised? So, what did she tell you?" Calum asked, and I had a feeling that he already knew.

"Well... she said that you were... um... kind of a player."

To my surprise, Calum didn't look angry at all, he just laughed,

"Of course she did!"

"What, are you saying that she lied?" I found it hard to believe that Skye would lie to me about anything,

"Not exactly... I guess you could say, I've been around and been an idiot towards some girls, but it's not as simple as that."

"Then what is it?" I asked, truly curious now.

"A long story is what it is."

"Well, I have plenty of time."

"Actually you don't. It doesn't take long driving back to Skye's, and I'd rather not tell the story while driving." He replied with a mischeivous look in his eyes,

"Unless you come back to my place?"

There it was!

"Maybe not..." I hesitated, wondering if it would be a good idea. I just spent the previous night there, and he had just tried to kiss me, and admitted that he liked me. Not in love, but liked, he made that very clear and I really shouldn't be annoyed by that.

"I promised you, I won't try to make a move on you again... and you have to show me your last tattoo anyways!"

He did have a point there, I had promised to show him my tattoo. What a lame excuse, my subconciousness rolled her eyes at me, but I ignored her like always. I actually really wanted to hear his story,

"Okay, fine! But you better not try anything!"


"So... You thirsty or hungry?" Calum asked, strolling into the kitchen as we entered his apartment.

"No." I replied, my growling stomach betraying me, and I closed my eyes in embarresment as I heard him chuckle.

"Now why would you lie about something like that?" He commented, pulling out what looked like ingredients for a sandwich, "that's just ridiculous!"

"I am not ridiculous!" I fired back.

"I didn't say you are, I said your lie was." He replied matter-of-factly and I looked at him stupidly.

"You're ridiculous!" I muttered, but of course he heard me and laughed loudly,

"With all due respect... I'm not lying about being hungry! What, do you think I'm gonna drug you or something?"

I stayed silent, because to be honest, the thought had crossed my mind. My lack of reply, made Calum stop what he was doing and look at me, mouth open in surprise,

"You did, didn't you? Seriously? What in the world did Skye tell you?"

I just chuckled instead of replying as he finished our sandwiches. We ate in silence, before moving to the livingroom.

"So, what about that story of yours?" I finally asked, getting more and more curious by the second.

"Show me your tattoo first." He demanded with a smile.

"Oh, so it's something for something is it?"


I rolled my eyes, with a sigh and took off my hoodie, wondering how to reveal my shoulderblades, without revealing anything else. I really should have worn a open-back top in stead of a tanktop.

"Okay," I said pulling at the hem of my top, "close your eyes until I tell you to open them, and keep your eyes away from my front!"

Calum laughed at me, but closed his eyes as I turned around, removing my top, and holding it in front of me, turning my back towards him.

"You can open your eyes now."

I could practically feel him studying every detail of the broken wings on my shoulderblades and the writing "fallen angel" between them.

"Wow! It's beautiful!" Calum finally said, and I quickly pulled my top back on, and turned towards him again,


"There has got to be a story behind that!"

"Oh, there is," I replied, "back we'll save that for another time. Now you owe me a story!"

"Alright," Calum sighed, "but promise me not to interrupt until I'm done and don't be judgemental."

"I won't." I assured him and he took a deep breath,

"First of all you should know that Shay and I grew up with my aunt in Chelsea, but as soon as I turned 18, almost two years ago, I moved here with my best friend. We shared a flat close to where Skye lives now actually. Anyways, I met this girl who lived in the area and we started dating pretty quickly. She was so perfect, at least that's what I thought at the time... Until I caught her cheeting. With my best friend. In my bed, one day before our six month anniversary. Apparently it had been going on for a few months, on and off they said. Needless to say, I didn't take it well."

"Well, what happened?" I wondered, ignoring his request to not interrupt, "Did you hit him?"

"Yes but that he had coming," he said simply, "The stupid thing is, what they did to me wasn't half as bad as what I did to myself." He let out a long sigh. "And I just want to preface this with this is what I was doing, this isn't what I'm doing now, despite what many people think."

I nodded cautiously.

"They didn't stay together once I found out, she kept telling me it was a mistake, that she wanted to come back, that we could work it out, but I couldn't accept it. I was, whatever, heartbroken I guess, but I had this wounded male pride thing going on too, you know? So, instead of meeting her to talk like I said I would, I went out with the guys, I picked up this girl and for a couple hours, I didn't have to think about what they had done to me. After a week, I would usually get bored and I realized how easy it was to just go out and pick up some girl. This was before I joined the band last year, but I would always hang out at those live music places, because I knew my ex loved those places."

"So it was to make her jealous?"

"Yeah, except somewhere along the line, I stopped being devastated and just turned into a total dick. And I know it's a cliché, but it didn't make me happy. I was still the guy who had been cheated on, only now I was just as much of a shit."

"But why keep... well, why do it if it didn't make you happy?" I asked.

"I didn't know what else to do," he said, "And then I kind of figured I'd finally come up against someone who made me want to stop. That's when I met Emily."


"Well most of the girls I used to... "date"... were usually in a band or singers you know, and most people thought it was just my type you know. But that's bullshit, I would picl up girls at the type of places where almost everyone would have a musical talent. Remember at our gig? Almost everyone at that place, was in a band, or even someone like Skye; she's not in a band but she can play one hell of a bass! So it was actually because of the venues I would hang out at, not because I had a type."

Well, so much for Skye's theory.

"Anyways last summer, I met this girl Emily at a gig her band was playing, and damn that girl could sing!"

I had a feeling this was the girl, Skye had told me about.

"I was completely mesmerized by her, her voice, her eyes, her smile. And when I got to know her, she was so different from the other girls. She was down-to-earth, more confident, much nicer! I really thought she would be the one who made me wanna change. We dated for almost two months, even when she had trouble with her vocal chords, I supported her, going with her to the doctor and all that. About the same time, she found out that she had to quit singing, I found out that she had another boyfriend back in Liverpool, who she had been with for two years."


"Yeah, wow! So we broke up, and I never told anyone the real reason, and most people assumed I broke up with her, becase she couldn't sing anymore. I let them think what they wanted, and soon after I joined the band, when Tally left. I already knew them all, because Shay and Stacey have always been friends. Stacey grew up close to us in Chelsea. Anyways, I went back to doing the same as before, changing girls on a weekly, but I felt worse than ever. It's over a year ago that Emily left, and I'm totally over her, but it's hard for me to trust women. After being betrayed twice, I sort of lost all hope and that's why I went on as long as I did. I haven't been out with anyone for a couple months though, I'm just getting sick of the whole thing."

I was surprised by Calum's story, and even though there was no excuse for doing what he did, I couldn't help but feel sorry for him. Especially after what Emily did, and he just let people think that he had been a jerk, when she was the two-timer. Skye had made me think, he was some sort of casanova with a weird obsession of musical girls, when in reality he was just a heartbroken teenage guy who liked gigs. Then I realized what he had said about getting tired of everything and something didn't add up,

"But then why did you make a pass at me?" I asked, and he looked at me deeply,

"Hey, I already told you I like you, and I didn't know if there was anything between you and that Louis. So I wanted to give it a try. Just so you know, I wasn't planning on just having a fling with you, you know. You would never be just another notch in my non-existing belt."

I laughed slightly at his statement, but then went serious again,

"Calum, please don't!"

"Don't what?" He asked, as if he didn't understand, but I couldn't be fooled. He knew what I meant,

"The whole "I'll quit the player game for you" thing! I've heard that too many times!"

"Mag, I already said I won't try anything again... at least don't tonight," he winked at me, making me roll my eyes, "but I already did quit all that! Not because of you, before you! I just meant that if you and I were a thing, it would be serious and not like my former... relationships."

"Oh... but we won't be a thing." I reassured him, for what seemed like the hundreth time.

"And there's no way at all I can change your mind?" He asked, and I sighed about to reply, but he chuckled, "I'm joking! I can take no for an answer."

Something about the way he said it, made me think that he actually couldn't, but I didn't want to get into a discussion about it again.

"So should I take you home? It's getting late." He offered, and I glanced at his wristwatch. It was almost 11pm.

"I guess Skye might be getting worried... although she hasn't called." I replied, glancing at my bag, which held my phone on full sound. I would definitely have heard it ringing.

"We could also watch a movie first? I'll take you home after, promise!"

I thought it over, and finally agreed when I found out that he had "The Great Gatsby". One of my all time favorite classic novels! I was slightly concerned when it was "Hollywoodized", but with Leonardo DiCaprio in the role as Jay Gatsby, I couldn't help but love it.


Buzz. Buzz. Buzz.

I tossed and turned in my bed, wondering what that buzzing was, until I finally grabbed ahold of my phone, and forced my eyes open. I found out that the buzzing was caused by incoming messages on Facebook that apparently had been coming in since last night. I had mistakenly put my phone on vibrate, and to my despair I noticed that I had no service! Thankfully I had internet access thanks to Skye's WiFi!

I quickly checked my messages, all of them from the boys, excluding Louis, and Tally. I was a bit disappointed to not hear from Louis, but according to the others, he wasn't feeling well. I had a feeling that they didn't fill me in completely, but decided to ignore it for now and pull myself out of bed. It was already past noon, but considering the fact that I fell asleep at 4, I hardly made it from my room, through the kitchen and to the livingroom, where I threw myself on the couch.

As an excuse to put off replying the boys as long as possible, I decided to go grocery shopping. Skye would never let me pay for anything, but I always managed to do the weekly shopping before she got to.

I quickly dressed in jeans and a sweatshirt, and decided to walk to the nearby local Asda. I took one look out at the November weather and grabbed my jacket, boots and an umbrella in case the gray clouds decided to burst into tears. Just as I was about to put my phone in my pocket, I let it lay on the table.

I really wanted a clear head for a little longer, and last time I talked to Niall while talking, I ended up buying way too much.

The boys would have to wait, for now I wanted to be disconnected.


Louis' P.O.V.

I stayed in my bunk, as promised, until we had soundcheck the next day, only grabbing a cup of coffee. I didn't even bother looking in the mirror, after my shower. There was nothing a little make-up couldn't fix and oh God, that sounded so wrong. I would never really get used to the make-up part of our job!

In my mind, I went over everything Zayn had said to me yesterday, because most of what he said was true. Of course she didn't have feelings for Calum, and I did need to prove that I trusted her, but how could I do that, when she was all the way in London, and I never got through to her phone. I made on lame attempt when I woke up, sneakily using Liam's phone, but of course I didn't get through. How did anyone expect me to make things right, when I couldn't get in touch with her?!

And why couldn't I get in touch with her?

Of course her phone was off, when she went to the cinema last night, but why was it still off this morning? I was in a foul mood, and fortunately the boys noticed, and stayed away from me, as much as possible, just as I had warned them last night.

Harry had apparently gone out earlier to get a new phone already, and I couldn't help but notice the sturdy leather case, that protected it like a wallet. I wanted to roll my eyes, but stopped myself because it reminded me too much of Mag.

I wasn't in much of a hurry to get a new phone myself. What was the point if I couldn't call the only person I really wanted to talk to? If I could just hear her voice and know that nothing had changed, then I would be fine again.

On top of it all, I was starting to get that annoying cough again, and was reminded of what the nurse told me, when I was in the hospital at Manchester. Something I still hadn't told anyone about yet, and I didn't intend to because she was just being an over-dramatic nurse, seeing sicknesses everywhere.

So what if I coughed blood from time to time? Nothing else mattered, except working it out with Mag, and as long as the cough didn't affect my voice too much, I was fine. Sure, it was painful singing, the way I had to, but I was sure it would go over, especially since I had cut down on the ciggys. What that nurse had suggested was just crazy! Besides my serious Mag-addiction, I was perfectly fine.


Harry's P.O.V.

During the show, I couldn't help but notice something off about Louis. Actually, there was alot off about him but besides his Mag issues, something else was lurking in the back. The look on his face when he sang, was not only passionate as usual, it looked almost... painful. Something that only a few people - including myself - would recognize.

Also his voice didn't sound like usual, but it was a little change, and I'm sure hardly anyone would notice it. Maybe I just noticed these things, because I still had that protective feeling for him. He may have pushed everyone away recently, and retrieved to his shell, but he was still my best friend and I was worried.

There were different phases, or states, of a "Louis depression". There hadn't been many of these depressions but enough to recognize a pattern and it always had something to do with me, and now Mag.

The early phases were easy to deal with, but the last two were when we started to worry, because it was almost impossible to snap him out of then. Once he started getting aggresive (breaking things, random angry outbursts at anyone), that was the second worst state, and it was almost impossible to snap him out of it, if he got that far. That's how he had been lately, but then he switched to the final, and worst, of all states of his depression.

He would go into his shell, refuse to talk, eat, drink or anything at all, and none of us knew how long he would stay like that, which is why it was the worst state for him to be in. If it went on for more then three days, we would have to do something drastic, because honestly it was concercing his health and well-being.

After the show, Louis went straight to his bunk on the bus, just as we all expected and I was tempted to go after him, but held back. I knew it was pointless anyways.

To be honest, I didn't understand how he could have gotten so far in his depression, Mag hadn't dumped him or anything. He was just so damn worried that she would leave him, before they were even together and his worries were eating him up from the inside, until he was only an empty shell.

I knew that only Mag would be able to fill that emptiness, but I wasn't sure the shell would make it another three months. At least the album was already pretty much done, so our only problem was getting him out on that stage for the rest of that tour. I knew, that he would revive if he could just talk to Mag, but she was so hard to reach now-a-days, and we actually spoke to her more through Skye, then by calling her own phone.

I decided to call Lauren, and maybe ask for her advice regarding Louis. At least, I only had to wait till Christmas to see her, it was only a month from now, and I was starting to count the days. Literally.

The first app I downloaded, when I bought my new iPhone, was this countdown thing. You just had to state the date and time, and then it showed how many days, hours, minutes and even seconds until whatever event you had. You could even chose the background and of course I had a picture of Lauren and I. I checked that app several times a day, just to ensure myself that I actually was getting closer to "Seeing my baby!" as I had written for the title.

"Hi love!" Lauren's voice sounded happy and chirpy instantly cheering me up.

"Baby! I miss you..." I pouted before saying anything else and I heard her chuckle,

"We just talked this morning! But I miss you too, only one month to go... Oh, I got your present today!"

She already bought me a Christmas present?

"But baby... it's only November, and I haven't given you any wishes, because I don't want you spending your money on me!" I complained, and she sighed,

"Come on Harry, you really think I would listen to you? First of all November is not early for Christmas presents, it's normal! Second don't insult me by implying that I would get something you wouldn't love and third... I don't want you spending your money on me either, but we both know it's gonna happen, and this is a two-way street love!"

She had a really good point there! We would both tell each other not to get presents, but then go out and get them anyways.

"Well then you might as well tell me what it is, so I can tell you if you have to change it or not!" I said, matter-of-factly, and of course she just laughed at me,

"Yeah, nice try Curly! I know you're going to love it."

"Does it involve lace?" I asked cockily, wiggling my eyebrows although she couldn't see me.

"I would hit you if you were next to me right now." She replied coolly, but I knew she was holding back a laugh.

"I know," I replied, with a big grin, "that's why I only say these things when you're hundreds of miles away!"

I loved the way Lauren and I teased each other and how she always lifted my mood, but I knew it would be shortlived this time, when she changed the subject,

"So how's Louis?"

I sighed deeply,

"In his shell. It only just started yesterday so he's only on his second day. Hopefully he'll snap out of it by tomorrow. He's totally disconnected from everything at the moment."

"So he still hasn't talked to her?" Lauren asked. I had already filled her in on everything, during our morning talk.

"No, and according to Liam, Mag went out with Calum again last night, and didn't come home until Skye was in bed. Luckily she was there when Skye woke up, but she was asleep when Skye left for work. Liam hasn't talked to Skye yet, so I don't have the full story." I told her everything I had found out since our last talk and couldn't help but feel, like we were two teenage chicks in a tv-drama-show, gossiping and shit.

"Do you think anything is going on with her and Calum?" Lauren asked cautiously and I was quick to answer,

"Of course not! Mag loves Louis, she would never just leave him like that! I mean not technically leave, but you know... The only problem is that Louis doesn't know that, and he's worried sick about losing her!"

Lauren was quiet for a long time, and I knew her brain was working on over time. If anyone was rooting for Mag and Lou, it was her!

"Babe," She finally spoke, "how's your schedule the next couple weeks?"

"Well," I quickly went it over in my head, "We've only got Australia and Japan left before Christmas. We have tomorrow off, flying the next day and our first show in... five days!" We managed to squeeze in some extra freedays 'down under', and I was really looking forward to it.

"I have a plan. A bit far-fetched but definitely doable, and definitely sure to help him!"

"Well, tell us!" I said willing to try anything for my friend.

"It's pretty simple," Lauren replied, "Get Louis on the first plane to London tomorrow morning!"


So, what do yoou think??? I just wanna say IRL I looove Calum, but I needed a "bad guy" ;) also I hope you all have seen the You & I video!!! I seriously love it, I think it's really amazing in all its simplicity! :)

anyways pleeease remember to comment, they REALLY make me happy, and thanks for the "hope you get well"s. I'm feeling alot better, and updates from now on will be during the weekends since I can update from my phone now :)

so anywaays, COMMENT LIKE&FAVE!! thx for the support! :)

xoxo, M. ;)

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