Loved You First

"Was it possible that all the signs, I had convinced myself were just my imagination, actually were real?

I just couldn't help but wonder how long she'd had feelings for him, even if they were subconcious.
I was sure that I loved her first, but at this point I actually didn't know who she loved first."

A few slightly sexual references (not smut, I don't do that)
A few slightly violent scenes
Use of strong language at times
SELF-HARM references in a couple of chapters


55. 'Breaking Point'


Heeeey guys!!! SO SORRY THAT I'M ONE DAY LATE!!! I've been really sick all week :( and I wrote most of the chap last night and today, also I didn't really have time to proofread since I HAD to update before i get sick again! :( so forgive me, I promise it will be better when I AM better ;)

anyways, I hope none of you are too upset about this chap, everything happens for a reason, but pleeease remember to comment!!! even a little comment puts a smile on my face :)

alsoo, the new cover! I like to change the cover when the "plot" changes so now we're in the Zagouis thing so that's why I put them on the cover, and if you notice the colors between louis/zayns pics I think it's pretty cool :P I just really like the whole cover setup and I hope you do to (and yes that's mag(me) in the middle if you're wondering, but it's a bit old pic...) and maybe Harry will come on again later on in the story ;) well anyways I'm rambling sooo...

lots of love, enjoy!

xoxo, M. ;)



Chapter 49

"Breaking Point"

Mag's P.O.V.

I scrolled through my mentions on Twitter, as I lay on the bed unable to fall asleep.
I wanted to say I had gotten used to the hate by now, but to be honest that was something, one just couldn't get used to. Thousands of strangers, who didn't know me, saying all sorts of horrible things. I may not have gotten used to it, but I was able to not be phased by it. Most of the time. Tonight was one of those nights, when it was too much, and I just couldn't shrug it off no matter how hard I tried.
I needed to talk to Louis!
I got out of bed and walked over to the door, when I heard voices from the livingroom. Zayn and Louis, arguing again.
I know, I really shouldn't have eavesdropped but my gut told me, that something was going on, so I cracked the door open just a little bit to hear them better.

"Mag and I are pretty close to becoming a couple now, so stop being a nuiseance. You lost, okay!"
Louis said, as the two of them stared each other down.
Lost? What did Zayn lose?
"This isn't over yet." Zayn said, before he walked into his room and I was beyond confused.
I needed answers. Now. No tiptoeing around the subject, not tonight, just straight to the point.

"What's going on?" I asked, as I stepped into the livingroom, startling Louis.
"Mag! You... um, what do you mean?"
I rolled my eyes at him, crossing my arms as I shouted,
"Zayn! Get in here!"
I know, I was being a bit bossy and bitchy but I was not in the mood for secrets or any of them "acting a fool".
Zayn quickly scrambled into the room,
"What's wrong? Did something...", he trailed off when he noticed my expression and gulped as he took the seat across Louis.

"Now, I want answers." I said, as I paced back and forth in front of the two,
"And I want the truth! What were you guys talking about before?"

Zayn and Louis exchanged a look, upsetting me even more as I tapped my foot on the floor.
"Well um... what did you hear?" Zayn asked nervously and I widened my eyes,
"Are you fucking kidding me? You're seriously using that, which obviously means that you two were talking about something you didn't want me to hear! So who's gonna spill?"

"Alright, alright!" Louis said, standing up and walking over to me,
"We were... planning your surprise party?"
"My birthday is in over half a year, you idiot so don't even try to pull that off!" I scowled, getting more and more angry with every word coming out from their mouth right now.
They both remaimed silent, so I took a deep breath to stop myself from saying anything I would regret.
"Okay, fine. You can start by telling me what it is that Zayn lost?" I offered in the calmest tone, I could manage at this point.
I focused who Zayn, who looked just about as nervous as a little kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

"Um... I... Well...", he stuttered before my impatience caught him off,
"Zayn... You pull yourself together right now or I'll be waking up two cranky British dudes and two pissed off Irish people, and get the truth from them!"
"Okay, okay! Can we talk about this alone?" He asked, well more like begged, and I thought for a moment before replying,
"Fine. But don't even think about lying. Remember, British and Irish people ready to tell the truth!"
I nodded towards my room and turned to Louis before following Zayn in there,
"And don't you be going anywhere, you're next!"

I sat down on my bed next to Zayn, motioning for him to start talking.

"Alright, here goes. I... I still love you, and... I'm still in love with you."
"Yeah... The thing is at Liam's party when Louis kissed that bird and you were upset, I told you I was fine about you two but actually I wasn't. I'm just going to be honest now, about everything, cause you're going to find out either way so... To make it short, I've been trying to use our new friendship to get close to you and win you back... But Louis found out and he's determined not to let that happen, so I... I said all that shit about him playing you and maybe not being right for you and all that, so that you would push him aside. Meanwhile, I could get closer to you... Yeah that's basically what's been happening the past months. So just before, Louis was telling me that it was time for me to give up, and that I had lost... well lost you. And I know I screwed up and noone thinks you would want to be with me again, but I'm just not ready to give up just yet and that's what we were talking about."

Okay, wow!
I had not seen that coming, and now I had no idea how to react. What in the world were they thinking?
Were they like competing over me?
And Louis said, Zayn had lost me like I was an object to win or lose?
Okay, I knew how to react... I was beyond pissed!
Before Zayn could say another word, I marched into the livingroom not even trying to calm myself down.

"What the hell is wrong with you?!"
I shouted at Louis, though my question was aimed at both of them, and Zayn shortly joined him standing in front of me.
"I don't even know who to be more upset with... You," I pointed at Zayn, "for lying to me about Louis and pretty much everything, hiding your intentions and betraying me, or you," I turned my finger to Louis, "for not telling me anything about what was going on, but turning it into a competetion instead as if I'm something to win... as if my love is something that can be won... I don't... oh my God! Love is not a game, and both of you are so much in the wrong right now!"

I closed my eyes, rubbing my temples to try and relieve some of the pressure.
"Shut up!" I don't even know who it was that said my name, but they were both jerks so it didn't matter,
"I don't even want to look at any of you right now!"
With that, I stormed into my room slamming the door.

After pacing my room for, God knows how long, I sat on the bed and gathered my thoughts.
I thought that everything was actually working out.
Zayn and I were getting along as friends and Louis and I were getting somewhere nice and slowly but now... I was so wrong about everything and the worse part of it was the fact that they both hid it from me.
I figured out what, I had to do and I had to do it before I changed my mind.
I picked up my phone, quickly finding the number I was looking for. The time difference between Paris and London was only an hour so she should still be up.

"Skye? I need a favour."

Louis' P.O.V.

"Go talk to her!" Zayn urged me for the umptienth time since Mag had stormed off to her room.
"No way! You saw how angry she is, she doesn't want to talk to either of us right now! This is all your fault, you know!" I said, glaring at him really fucking upset that he ruined everything that had happened today.

"What? How is it my fault?"
"Well, you should just have backed off from the start, then there wouldn't be this ridiculous mess!" I spat at him, while controlling the urge to punch his face in.
"It's a little to late for that now, okay? Listen, us arguing is going to change anything. The truth is out there, we just have to wait and see tomorrow, what Mag figures out." Zayn said calmly and I wanted to laugh at him.
From punching to laughing, now that was a moodswing.
"Easy enough for you to be calm, you were already friendzoned anyway! Stupid twat!" I muttered the last before slamming the door to my room.
Seconds later, I heard Zayn slam his own.

This was seriously fucked up!
Mag and I had the perfect day, and were closer than ever and of course it all had to go down the drain.
Right about now, I would start breaking things around me, but thankfully, since we were at a pricey hotel, I was too exhausted to do anything.
Unfortunately, I wasn't too exhausted to stop the thoughts in my head from forming into tears running down my cheeks.

Why couldn't I just be with the woman I loved?
Why did it have to be so hard?
Right from the start, it been trouble, trouble, trouble.
Great, now I was quoting Taylor fucking Swift!
I didn't even know what to do now, I had no way to solve this.
All I could do was wait for Mag to figure out who she was more upset at, and what she wanted to do.
I was just afraid, that she would be tired of the whole Zayn/Louis thing, and end everything once and for all - friendzone us both and rip our hearts out!
I didn't care about Zayn's heart though, she could do whatever she wanted with that, but mine was a different story.

I didn't even know how much more my heart could stand for, after everything it had been through lately first with Mag then Harry then Mag again then Harry again and now finally Mag. Harry was out of the picture for good, and my biggest fear was that I would be out of Mag's picture. If that happened, I was doomed. A lost soul forever.

Zayn's P.O.V.

It was over. I might as well face the facts. Mag was a forgiving person, but even if she did forgive everything I had said and done lately, there was no way she would ever be with me again. I just wondered how she felt about Louis now. He seemed so confident that they were at a really good place, and to be honest I was starting to feel a little bit guilty.
All I ever wanted, was for Mag to be happy... well not entirely true, for the past months I had been pretty selfish.
I had put my happiness and my needs before hers, not even considering that she in fact, might be happier with Louis.
Well, I had pretty much ruined that now, and she definitely wasn't happy or anything else that I would wish for her to be.

Damn it Zayn!
Why couldn't I just have let her go?
Why couldn't I have moved on, and realized that we were over for good?
I had been so sure that we were meant to be, but if we really were that I shouldn't have had to fight for it. If we were really were meant to be, we would have ended up together no matter what.
Of course I realized all of this when it was too late.

I didn't know if there was any way of fixing my friendship with her now, or my friendship with Lou.
Well actually, Lou wouldn't be so hard. I would apologize for everything and since we were forced to spend time together, being in the band, we would eventually grow back to our old friendship.
I just wished there was hope for him and Mag. I was starting to learn that maybe they really did belong together, and I felt truly bad for getting in the way of that.
We had our concert tomorrow, but before that I had to talk to Lou, and I had to talk to Mag.
Mag and I's friendship may be doomed, but I had to try and set things right for Mag and Lou.

I woke up to my alarm going off pretty early, so I was sure to get up before Louis and Mag. It was the only way to make sure that I could talk to them, before either of them tried to "escape".

After taking a quick shower and dressing, I heard voices in the living room and was surprised to find Mag, fully dressed, talking to Liam.

"Morning Liam... Mag."
"Good morning two-face." Mag replied with an obvious fake smile, and I managed a slight smile, before turning to the kitchen. I had deserved whatever she wanted to say to me.

"What are you doing up here so early Liam?" I asked, as he sat by the kitchen island accepting the cup of tea I held out for him.
"I heard what happened last night." He replied with a concerned look, but it didn't answer my question.
"Actually, I heard it from Skye."
Why did Skye know what happened last night?
"Still not answering my question." I stated impatiently, and Liam glanced towards the livingroom as if to see if Mag was listening,
"Well Mag called Skye, she was pretty upset... Apparently she's decided that it would be best if she..."
"I'm going to London."

I heard the glass shatter before even realizing that it had slipped out of my hand at Mag's statement.
"No, you're not!" Louis stated, suddenly appearing out of nowhere. Well not nowhere, probably just from his room.
"Yeah, I actually am. I already booked my flight in a few hours. Before the show."
"Why are you going to London?" I heard the words leave my mouth but didn't acknowledge saying them.
"Because I need space, okay? I'm staying with Skye, I still have a fair amount of cash to live off and maybe I'll get a job."
The fact that she might get a job, meant that she wouldn't be leaving England anytime soon, and I guess that was a plus. The only plus.
"But we still have like four months left of the tour!" Louis exclaimed, his voice full of desperation.
"Well I guess you should have thought twice before keeping such a big secret from me!" Mag snapped at him, and the hurt in his face was indescribable.
"Now, if you'll excuse me... I have to pack and call Paul about getting all my luggage on the bus shipped over."

As soon as Mag left the kitchen, I followed her into her room. I couldn't let her do this, I had to make it right.

"What do you want two-face?" She asked, as I walked into her room without knocking.
"Look... I'm sorry. For... everything. It was wrong and I wish, I could take it all back."
"Well, too bad that you can't." She replied coldly while folding her clothes.
"I know an apology isn't too much use after the damage is done, but all of this was my fault. Don't punish Louis and the others for my selfishness."
Mag shook her head, chuckling and sat down on her bed,
"You know... At this point I don't even know if I can believe anything you say. There has been so many lies from your mouth that I'm not sure if I can ever trust you again."

Okay, that hurt more than I was willing to admit.
"I understand that. Those are the consequences for my actions and I know that I have to live with that... But don't do this to Louis. I know how much he loves you and I know that you know. What I did was awful, jeapordizing his chance for happiness when I deep down knew how much you meant to him. He'll fall apart if you leave now."

"And what about my feelings Zayn? All I hear is that you're sorry and Louis will fall apart. Do you even know how I fell right now? Finding out that the two people, I trust the most, had this huge thing going on behind my back! That you turned it into some kind of game! I'm not doing this TO Louis or anyone else... I'm doing it FOR myself!"

She was right. Damn it, she was!
There was no reason why she shouldn't leave and I sure as hell wouldn't be able to change her mind.

"How long will you be there? Like are you joining the tour again?" I asked with a sigh, trying to disguise the way I felt inside. I did still love her.
"I don't know, but I'll keep in touch... Besides I'll see you at Christmas."
I looked up at her, surprise written all over my face,
"You... You're still coming to mine?" I asked, as she finally got her trolley closed.
"I said I would, didn't I?"
Her words burned me as she walked past me out of the room.
It was obvious who the better person was.

Louis refused to go along to the airport and for some reason, Liam wanted to stay and keep an eye on him. I had no idea why Louis would need supervision. Maybe Liam was worried, he would have an angerfit again.
Anyways it was just Niall, Tally, Harry and I to send her off and even though I seemed cool on the outside, inside I was screaming.

I knew what I had done was so wrong, but it didn't change the fact that I still loved her and the fact that being on stage without her in the back just didn't feel right. I didn't even know if I would see her again before Christmas and that was in two months! I could already feel my heart aching for her and a pain in my gut before she had even gotten on the plane, but I knew that whatever I felt, Louis felt worse.

When Mag told everyone her plan, he stormed off to his room slamming the door so hard, it almost fell off its hinges. I knew this was equally hard for Mag, but I knew that it was what she needed. I just couldn't let her go without a goodbye.
I knew Louis would regret not saying goodbye, but I didn't dare say anything to him since he blamed me for everything. I would have to wait with my apology for him.

"Take care Mag! I'll be calling Skye you know, to make sure you don't just sulk around the next four months!" Harry said with a sad smile and giving her a long hug. I knew she was like a sister to him and they did have a really good relationship. This would be hard on everyone.

"See you soon lead singer! I guess, I'm the only girl now, I'll have to tighten the reigns!" Tally blinked at Mag, who laughed and hugged her as well.

"Bye big sis! I'll miss having you around to make food for us!" Niall pouted earning a playful slap on the shoulder.
"And of course, I'll miss just having you around! No one else puts up with my cheesecake and I!"

Finally it was my turn to say goodbye and I stood awkwardly with my hands in my pockets.
"Goodbye, Zayn. I'll see you at Christmas."
"Yeah... You take care now. Or we'll have Skye's head!"
I managed to get a slight smile out of her, and I knew her forgiving nature made it hard for her to stay mad for a really long time.
"I really am sorry." I said right before she turned to leave.
"I know."

The speaker announced final call for boarding and she pulled her carry-on trolley as she waved to all of us, but right before she gave in her boarding pass she ran up to me.

"Tell Louis that I'm sorry... and tell him I love him."



sooo, I tried to turn Zayn into the good guy again, see if you can find it in your heart to forgive him? :)

also Mag finally said that she loves Louis!!! how will he take it now that she's left??? (don't worry, she's just in London so obviously not gone for good!) :)


xoxo, M. ;)

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