"My biggest fear is that eventually you will see me the way I see myself."


6. 3


Chapter Three

    The next morning, I wake up with a smile on my face. As I stare at the ceiling, I replay yesterday's events in my head. Finally deciding to break out of my imagination, I shake my head with a smile, that I can't wipe off of my face, and walk into the bathroom for my daily routine: brush my teeth, wash my face, check my weight. As I step on the scale, the smile that seemed to have been glued to my face, suddenly gets wiped off. Reality slaps me in the face and I realize that everything is still the same. I still felt unhappy about my body and with the number that stared back at me: 119. He couldn't change anything. As much as he made me smile yesterday, he would never make me truly happy because all that mattered to me most of the time was this.

    With a sudden disappointment and no excitement, I flop back onto my bed, and go under my covers, wanting nothing to do for the rest of the day. I wake up an hour later from the buzzing of my phone. It's twelve o'clock and I have a text from Harry, who greets me a good morning. I sigh with a frown on my face and stare back at my phone. I chuck my phone across the bed with a huff, and turn over on my other side to fall back asleep. The thoughts in my head were enough company for the day. 

    I wake up to the sound of my mom calling my name. "Ugh," I groan to myself and hold myself up with my elbows as I look for my phone. Seeing it on the floor, I stand up to go get it, but feel light headed from the sudden movement. I slowly walk over to my phone and pick it up from the floor, feeling weaker with each movement. All I want to do is go back to sleep, until I notice that it is now two o'clock in the afternoon. As I scroll through my phone, I find multiple texts from my friends and Harry, and a few missed calls from my mom - even if she is just downstairs.

    "Haven!" Speak of the Devil. My mom knocks on my door, before walking in. "Why aren't you dressed? Have you been sleeping all day?" she asks, slightly shocked.

    "Yeah, I was tired," I mutter and pass her to go into the bathroom. 

    "Get dressed and come eat something for breakfast. Your father wants to go out for dinner later on." Once she closes my door behind her, I head into the bathroom and decide to take a quick shower. However, even the long, hot water that hits my bare back, doesn't make me feel better. I felt like I was breaking inside and I wanted to cry, but my tears never came, they never did anymore.


     "I like your top," I tell my younger sister later on that day,  when I walk down the stairs.

     "Thanks, it's yours," she grins at me. I roll my eyes at her, not really minding the fact that she goes through my closet to wear my clothes sometimes. Even if I was skinnier than her, she still managed to fit in my clothes. We weren't many years apart - just two - and since I spent a lot of time with her, it was safe to say that she was one of my best friends. 

     My dad decided to eat at a cafe close by, which calmed me down a bit because I knew that I would be able to order a salad. While sitting down and waiting for our waitress to come and take our orders, I went through my texts. I didn't need to look through the menu, as I had already been here before and knew that I would just get the House Salad again, which consisted of lettuce, tomatoes, and cucumbers. My parents and sister chat with each other, giving one another their opinions on the food, while I continue to read my texts. 

     The texts from my friends are just the usual. We tend to talk a lot with each other in our group message and since it is Spring break, they are just filling one another on how their days went. Though, I still haven't told them that I met Harry the other day. And speaking of Harry, he has sent one more text from the one he sent this morning asking if I was okay. 

     I decide to send my friends a quick text, before replying back to Harry saying, 'Sorry, I was sleeping. Out for dinner now. How was your day? :)

     After I send the text, the waitress comes over to our table to order our food. "I'll have the House Salad, with no dressing please," I say when it's my turn. I look at my parents from the corner of my eye, pleased to see that they don't notice that I'm ordering another salad for dinner. 

     "Any chicken in it?" she asks, jotting down my order quickly.

     "No please." Chicken would add extra calories. Extra calories, and without a doubt, the guilt would never leave me.

     As soon as she leaves, I get a text back from Harry. 'Slept the whole day?! Went good.What are you having?'

    'Haha you can say that..salad, yum' I reply back, with a sarcastic tone, but only I would know that. I ate salads most of the time when we went out for dinner, making me grow tired and sick of them. I wish I could have normal food, but I would only end up regretting it in the end. It was a big "No, no". 

    'Enjoy. Don't forget about tomorrow :)' he texts back a few minutes later. I send him a quick, 'I won't' and begin to eat my food after the waitress places it in front of me. Hopefully this salad won't make the thoughts in my head arise once more as I eat, and leave me alone to sleep tonight.



















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