"My biggest fear is that eventually you will see me the way I see myself."


14. 11


Chapter Eleven

     "Congratulations to the class of 2013!" The principal yells excitedly through the microphone on the football field. With claps and screams of excitement and relief, the entire senior class throws their caps into the air and hug each other with smiles on everyone's faces. I was now officially a high school graduate, ready to start my own life. We all were. 

     "It's over!" Chelsea squeals, forcing all of us into a group hug. The four of us laugh and hold on tight to the hug, not knowing if we ever will be able to see each other as often anymore. 

     "Thanks for an amazing four year guys," Ava smiles. 

     "I love you all," I say, trying not to get teary eyed. 

     The girls all giggle and say their 'I love you's' back and bring me in for another hug. We're then separated by our parents, who walk down the bleachers with flowers and balloons in their hands, ready to engulf us in their own hugs. 

     "I'm proud of you, honey," my dad says, pulling me in for a hug. My mom stands next to him with my sister, both with agreeing smiles on their faces. 

     "Thanks, Dad." 

     "Time for your celebration!" My mom almost squeals, clapping her hands excitedly. "Oh, before it falls out of my hand, here is your phone sweetie." She hands me my phone and gives me a smile too big for her own face, making it seem like she was excited for something secret. Overall, it was too weird. I give her a questioning look, but she shakes it off by putting her arm around my shoulder and steering us to the direction of our car in the lot. 

     We start heading out of the field, as I wave a quick goodbye to my friends. With school always there to help us see each other all the time, who knew when the next time I see them would be. 


     "Alright, so the guests will be here around seven, so make sure you're all ready by then!" My mom yells at all of us, as she hurriedly walks past us and makes her way into the kitchen to set up the buffet that will be placed in the backyard. My parents - my mom more than my dad - decided to throw me a graduation party to celebrate with my family and some of my parent's friends or coworkers. Excited more than all of us, my mom had been anticipating to plan this since last year, proud that her first daughter was graduating high school. As long as it made her happy, I didn't really mind. 

    I join my mom in the kitchen to put the flowers in vases. While doing so, I notice her placing mini sandwiches on a crystal plate. Next to the plate, there are even bigger plates and bowls filled with different salads and pasta. I look out the window in the kitchen and see my dad lighting a fire on the grill, with raw beef placed next to him. Hamburgers, hot dogs, pasta, sandwiches, rice, and salads with copious amount of dressing on them. You can't eat it. You can't eat it. You cannot eat it. The voices repeat over and over and over in my head. No, not today. Why today? Couldn't they leave me alone for one day, one minute, one second? I look down on the floor and try to control my breathing, feeling my heart beat harder against my chest, as I panic even more by the second from the thought of all the food there was. The tears pool around my eyes, making my vision blurry, and causing the vase in my hands to slip and crash down on the hard tiled floor. 

    I hear my mom's incredibly loud scream of fright, yet the thoughts in my head seem to be much louder and more important than anything else. Fattening. You will gain weight. Do not eat it. "Haven! What happened?" I hear my mom yell, walking over to me. I quickly blink away my tears and look at her almost carelessly. The only thing I could pay attention to and care about right now was what I was going to eat tonight in front of everyone to not feel horrible and the overpowering thoughts in my head. 

    "S-sorry," I mutter, pushing past her to leave the kitchen. 

    "Haven!" she calls after me. I'm halfway up the stairs when she reaches the bottom of them. "What happened? Are you okay?" She continues to ask. 

     Instead of giving her an answer, I slam my door shut, hoping she would get the message to leave me alone. I did not want to deal with anyone tonight, see anyone, or talk to anyone. I wanted to get under my covers, stay there, and cry out all the pain, fear, and anxiety that was rooted deep into my heart and mind. I wanted to cry until I was better again. I wanted my cries to be louder than my thoughts.

     Maybe they'd feel sorry enough to leave me alone then. 


     By seven o'clock, I am ready and standing in front of my bathroom mirror. The make up on my face suits well with my light pink dress, which is simple, spaghetti strapped, and not too short. I have wedges on my feet, making me taller than usual. I want to feel pretty and to be able to smile at myself in the mirror, but I can't even force a fake grin on my face. The thought of even fake smiling or laughing seemed too much to me. 

    When I hear the ring of the doorbell, my mom opening the door, and the chatter of the guest's downstairs, I put a piece of gum in my mouth, and carefully walk down the stairs with a much forced, fake smile on my face. 

    I greet everyone that comes, each of them congratulating me, saying how proud they are, or wishing me more success in my future. Even though it is night, the weather is hot outside because of the summer air. However, I can still feel goosebumps on my skin, and slight shivers running through me every now and then. I sit by myself on one of the white, wooden chairs placed by one of the white table clothed tables. There are small pots of hot pink orchids on the middle of each table. Looking around, I notice how perfect everything looks. The gold, twinkling lights hung around the roof of the house and the trees in the backyard, make everything look even more beautiful. 

     "Mom says to grab something to eat," Emma tells me, with Aria latched onto her hand next to her. I look up at her, trying hard not to roll my eyes and scream. 

     "Haven," Aria's light voice says, "Are you okay?" She looks up at me with her big, green eyes while playing with her dress. I give her a small nod, too numb to even try and smile for my baby cousin.

      Everyone either has a plate, a cup, or both in their hands. Each of them are distracted by their conversations. I was hoping no one would notice that I was not eating and let me be. But that would be me asking for too much. As I'm about to get up, I can feel the tears well up around my eyes again. I clear my throat and try not to cry. That would be the last thing I would want to do right now in front of all my guests. Yet, the thought of actually putting a piece of that horrible and incredibly fattening food in my mouth, scares me more than death itself and makes me want to cry out. Death seemed like a better option than being forced to eat any of the food placed on the long table waiting ahead of me. Don't be weak. Do not eat it. Fake it. You can just fake it. You're better off hungry. You

     My thoughts are disrupted by the loud doorbell faintly heard from the inside of the house. My sister and I both look at the direction of the door, both of us wondering who else my mom could have possibly invited, as we both thought everyone was already here. "I'll go get it," Emma says, turning to go inside. 

    "No!" I say too loudly, pulling on her arm. "I'll open the door." I quickly walk inside before she could even think about stopping me. As I walk, I continuously thank whoever it is standing outside in my mind to try to quiet down the thoughts, and for saving me from having to even go close to the table that I hated most right now. But when I open the door, the thanking and faint thoughts immediately stop in my mind, and everything goes silent inside. No thoughts, just this moment. Because out of all things, I never expected to see him again. 



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