A Knife In Her Fist

This Is A Story Based On The Challenges I Faced During My Childhood Life. How I Faced Depression, And How Difficult It Is To Live In A Life Of Darkness.


4. Dear Journal.

This is Alexandra's Personal Journal she started writing on it May 20, 2013:

May 20, 2013 8:02 p.m.


   I cutted yesterday again. I just had one of those days when everything feels horrible. Roni and Sara told me to stop, but I didn’t. It’s wrong, I know, but how can I stop life is just getting harder, and harder everyday. Life is just falling out of my hands, and you know what I don’t think I could ever put it back where it was. I cried today in my room alone. I was thinking of cutting, but I promised Olivia that I wouldn’t. She’s always there telling me that things will get better, but how can they if they’re already too horrible.  I know I have to try for her, and my family, but just thinking that all my life I’m going to have serious depression isn’t pretty. Let me tell you Journal something about my condition.

   Depression in many people’s vocabulary is a person who is always sad, and lonely, but it’s not. Anyone can have depression, even if they do or don’t have friends. Many of those people cut, others cry, and others just don’t talk at all. I’m the one that cries, and cuts. Many people say that cutting is being Emo. That isn’t it either. We people who have depression cry, because of past life. That’s me I fed up in my past, but yeah I have to learn from it too, but it isn’t that easy.  I remember when mom watched my first cut with alcohol, and when dad got mad at me. He got so mad he sent me out to bed, and blamed my mom for everything. I cried so much my eyes where red, and my cheeks where filled with tears. The next day I didn’t go to school. Mom wanted me to stay home, and rest. I finally opened up to her, and told her the reasons I did these things. I told her how in 4th grade nobody talked to me. She left me alone and I slept...

  I looked up from my computer and saw my brother playing his game as usual. I turned off my computer, and left to my room. Mom was making dinner, and Dad wasn't home from work yet. When I was walking towards my room I saw my sister laughing with her friends. I thought to myself, how can she be so happy, life is horrible. She looked up, and smiled. I tried my best to smile,but it just came out with a half smile. I went into my room got my Poem journal that said "Alexandra's Poems." No one has ever read it just a couple of my friends that say they care for me. I started thinking of my first poem because the only thing I had in there where some quotes. I started writing:

"Rules are meant to be broken  

Hearts are meant to be loved 

Life is meant to be lived 

I am meant to be me 

God is the only who can judge

Mistakes are meant to be forgotten

Love is meant to be true 

Why would you hurt her 

What did she do.."

  My mom then shouted it was time for dinner. As usual I got my food, and went back into my room. She always gets mad because of this, but I like eating alone. When I was finished I washed my plate, and went back to writing.

"Can't you see the blood on her wrist 

Crying with pain 

A knife on her fist 

Why would you lie 

Say you love her 

And then say good-bye 

She's on the floor

Death on her mind 

Waiting to know if death's at the door 

Who did you cheat 

Know she can't even 

Walk on her feet 

Bullets are heading right to her heart 

One by one 

Wishing she could restart 

Know it's to late 

Death has comed 

To take her away

Now get on your knees and pray 

for that girl who one day 

Promised to stay 

And you left her half way."    

  Yes, I was writing about my life. Everything happens for a reason, but when someone leaves you, and you trusted them everything changes. Life got harder for me, and I thought he was the one. I guess I thought wrong. I closed my Poem Journal, and put it in my drawer. I got my pajamas, and slippers, and headed for the shower. After a long hot shower of water, and blood I watched a movie, and fell asleep.


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