Feel Again (Louis Tomlinson)

{Book 3 - COMPLETE} All Marley Pennington wanted to do since her freshman year of high school was to turn her life around. To be someone she always wanted to be, and when she gets her dream job, everything seems to be headed in the right direction.
But Louis Tomlinson is another story. He's alone, afraid, and just wanting everything to go back to normal, before everything was ruined. Marley, a well-liked and cheery person tries to change Louis' look on life and love.

"Yeah with you
I can feel again
I'm feeling better ever since you know me
I was a lonely soul but that's the old me"


32. Louis


The songs that this chapter go with are "Let Her Go" by Passenger and "Accidentally in Love" by Counting Crows. I suggest that you listen to them if you don't know them.

Chapter 32 - Louis

"Louis, do you still talk to Eleanor? Do you think you'll get back together?"

My breath gets caught in my throat and I don't think I heard the younger girl correctly. I start to panic. Sometimes I forget some fans liked Eleanor. I did too, once.

"Um..." I stutter. "We um...we're really busy so I haven't gotten a chance to speak to her, sorry." That was the hardest thing I've ever had to say. In the beginning I was asked about Eleanor by fans, interviewers, even my own family and I had to refrain from screaming and cussing at them. Thinking about what she did makes me shake with anger. I give the fan a tight smile and she smiles widely.

"Well thank you so much. It was nice to meet you, we love you!" The girl with brown hair says and we each give them a hug again, and then they leave.

I put my head in my hands. I know that fan didn't know exactly what happened with Eleanor but I don't care; the pang of something hits my chest, but then it disappears when someone takes my hand. I look at Marley and then at our intertwined fingers. Our eyes meet and she gives me a weak smile and my hand a squeeze. I bring our linked hands to my lap.

"I know that was really hard. I'm proud of you," Marley says while bringing her lips to my ear.

I don't reply, just meet and hold her gaze for what seems like eternity. I am so glad she is here, keeping me mentally sane. She is my anchor and she is holding me down and I know without her I would drown. I only let go of her hand when my food is placed in front of me. Marley gives my knee a rub before retracting her hand back. Everyone makes conversation while eating but I stay silent, picking at my food while thinking what I would be doing if I hadn't met Marley.


Once we're finished eating we head to the studio for the interview. Caroline dresses us and Marley does our hair. I am a little on edge from lunch and try my best to stay focused when the interviewer asks us questions. I only answer one and try to make jokes but they're not even funny and only Niall laughs at them.

Right after the interview we speed to the hotel parking lot where we jump on the bus and head to the venue where we're performing. Everything is packed and ready to go because right after we're jumping on and driving to Pittsburgh. When we're on the bus Marley sits next to me. Her phone rings and her eyes widen when she reads the caller ID. She rushes to the back of the bus and stays there for a long time.

"Mate, what's going on with you two?" Liam asks me. Everyone turns their heads so I know they're wondering the same thing.

"What do you mean?" I play stupid.

"You know...she was really pissed at you a couple of days ago and I saw you holding hands at lunch and no one really knows what's going on."

"It's...complicated." I run a hand through my hair. I look back to where Marley disappeared. Who could she be talking to for so long? It's been...twenty minutes. It's sad how lonely I feel when she's only ten feet away.

I let out a sigh of relief when she comes back with a blank expression on her face. She doesn't sit down, just stands there staring out the window. "Are you okay?" Zayn asks her.

"Yeah... I'm fine thanks." She gives us all a tight smile but I know her, and I know that something's wrong. I get up, take her hand and lead her away.

"Louis what are you doing?"

I close the door behind us. "Tell me what's wrong," I demand.

"What do you mean? Nothing is wrong."

"Bullshit," I call her out. "I know you, and I know when something is wrong with you. Please tell me." I step closer to her.

Marley lets out a frustrated breath. "Louis, can we please talk about this later? We're here, you have sound check to do. I tell you later, I promise."

"Why can't you tell me now?"

"It's just not the time. After your show, I promise I'll tell you. Please, just go do your job." Only because she is giving me a reassuring smile do I agree and sulk off the bus. Doesn't she trust me? Of course not, why would she? But why did she hold my hand at lunch? I thought she hated me at the moment.

Women are so fucking confusing.


Sound check seems to go on forever, so I am thankful when it's time for the show. The crowd is insane the second time. I lose myself and forget about everything else. Before long, Harry is shouting, "Thank you so much for having us Philadelphia! We love you all! We've been One Direction, and we hope to see you soon!"

We're in the dressing room in thirty seconds. Only Marley is in there. Hopefully she will tell me who she was on the phone with now. "Parker and Amabel are already on the bus," she says to Harry and Liam. They nod and grab some clothes before leaving. Niall and Zayn follow right after and I go to her.

"Please tell me now," I plead to her.

"Fine, but you have to go. Let's walk."

I nod and grab some sweats before we leave the room. "Who was on the phone?"

"It was my dad," she huffs. Why are we walking so fast? "He told me that my sister is back home and staying with them."

"What?" My eyes widen. "When did this happen?"

"That's not important," she says. We step outside into the cool night air and the bus is in sight. "What is important is that I'm leaving."

I must have heard her wrong. I stop walking and grab her elbow. "What? You're leaving? Why?" I don't want her to leave.

"I have to see my sister. She's eighteen and six months pregnant, Louis. I have to see her." She crosses her arms over her chest.

"But... You can't go," I don't know what else to say.

"I have to. I won't be gone forever."

"When are you leaving?" I ask.

"Now," she replies. "I have a cab ready to take me to the airport right now."

My heart sinks. "But...You can't leave. You can't leave me."

Her eyes begin to water. "I'm sorry, Louis. I think this will be good for us...after everything, you know?"

The thought of her not being there when I wake up, her not making sure I eat breakfast, her not being there to tell me to make my bed makes me feel like I'm suffocating. "I... Let me come with you." The possibility of that happening is zero, but if she says yes I am not getting back on that bus. It feels like someone punched me in the stomach.

"You can't Louis. You have your job; you can't leave the boys and your fans. They're looking forward to seeing you. I'll be back, soon hopefully. Try not to miss me too much," she tries to make me smile but fails. Her arms are thrown around my neck and I wrap my arms around her waist, pulling her close. My nose nuzzles in her hair and I breathe her scent. Who knows when I'll get to hold her like this again?

"I'll miss you," I whisper. Fuck. I shouldn't have said that.

"I'll miss you too," she murmurs, then pulls away.

"Mate! We have to go!" Niall stick his head out of the bus.

"You have to leave." Marley pushes me in that direction and I not so willingly walk away from her. When I'm on the bus I look out the window and the last thing I see is her climbing into her taxi.

I sulk in my seat and I can feel every fucking mile that separates us. The bus already seems messier without Marley basically following Niall around and picking up the trail of crumbs he leaves. I look up when Parker sits next to me. "Are you okay?" Her tone is soft and I know she feels bad for me.

"Piss off," I grumble, not wanting to talk to everyone. Obviously I'm fucking upset. I should be happy, this is what I wanted when I first met her. I didn't want a relationship and I remember wanting her gone when we met for the first time. Now, that's the case and I'm not as happy as I thought I would be. In fact, I feel depressed and...empty almost.

I pull at my hair and retreat to my bunk. My eyes land on Marley's bunk, only it's empty and no one is going to be sleeping there. The bed is perfectly made and it's like her presence is still there, mocking me. Everything reminds me of her and it's like I can't escape it.

"Is she really gone?" Someone asks, startling me.

"Yes, Parker, she's really gone," I groan.

"She didn't even say goodbye," the brown haired girl says sadly.

I shrug. "She was probably eager to leave...to get away from me," I admit. It's true, most likely.

"Not gonna argue there," she mutters.

"What was that?" I ask, sitting up.

"We all know..." Parker trails off, meeting my gaze.

"Know what?" I press.

She sighs. "We all know you read her journal. She told Amabel and I and we told the boys."

"Why would you do that?" It's irritating that she's telling people things that aren't even her business.

"Wow, she hasn't even been gone twenty minutes and you're already becoming an asshole again," she ignores my question, shaking her head. "I think you need her more than you know."

I don't answer. I just stare at her with wide eyes. Did I hear her correctly? Parker walks away and it's then that I see the light. I need Marley more than I ever needed anyone, or anything, in my life. After Eleanor, and even a little during, I was desperate for love. I was always traveling and Eleanor could never come with me, she stayed behind to carry on with her life. I didn't expect her to put her life on hold for me. Over time I felt her slipping through my fingertips, but I loved her nonetheless.

Since then, since we ended things, I have been desperate for the warmth of another human. Little did I know that there were people all around me that cared about me? I was too busy drowning in my own self-pity and self-loathing to notice. Everything is clear now.

Marley makes me feel something that Eleanor didn't. Marley drives me absolutely insane and she is like no one else. She cleans up after everyone and seems like a tough- level headed girl on the outside. However, on the inside, she is a fragile girl looking to make amends with herself to make up for the terrible things she did at such a young age. She is very smart and in her free time brushes up on her history. Even without trying, she is so fucking beautiful it's almost unbearable. The way she knows how to touch me is enough to drive me insane. She realizes-or realized-that I was hurt and didn't pity like everyone else makes me feel like she is going to be there whenever I need her.

A while ago I admitted to myself that I needed her, but I don't realize just how much until now. I don't know how much I need her; want her, until she's gone. I am too late. I blew it and I hate myself for it. She loves me, though. I know she does, she told me and the way she looked at me before I got onto this damned bus let me know that she still loves me.

Why does she love me is the real question. I was a classic arse to her when we first met and more often than not I gave her no reason to love me. I never asked her that. Why do you love me, Marley? Even if I haven't asked her I am still scared for her answer. As fucked up as it may sound, I want to read her journal right now. If anything was going to give me an honest answer that would be it. But I remember it's what ruined us. I hate that I caused her pain...how could I do something like that?

All of these things combined can only lead to one thing, and I never thought I would feel this again. She brings me back to sanity when I start to doubt everything, especially myself. And for that...I love her. I am in love with Marley Pennington. I didn't mean to fall in love with her, but I did. I don't know how it happened, or why, but there is no escaping her love. 

Not that I would want to.

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