Where did I go wrong?

this is about how the song 'How to save a life' ( The Fray ) has a meaning to me, its not go the happiest reasons but its a song that's really special to me


1. Me

I'm Amanda, I'm 13 and I have a few secrets.  To my friends or to anyone really, I'm a bubbly out-going girl who laughs a lot, sings, dances and is just generally a nice person to be around, but thats not the real me.  I must tell you before I continue, this is all 100% true and its quite hard for me to share my life with everyone and anyone.  So if everyone knew the real me, I don't think I would have as many friends.  The truth is I have moderate depression, I have suicidal thoughts and I'm close to self-harming.  Having all this on my shoulders is really hard for me and especially how young I am, I know I'm not a kid I'm a teenager but I'm still young, my parents know how I feel but they only know a tiny part of how I feel.  The only person I have told everything to is my best friend, Tegan.  She's always there for me and whenever I feel really bad I'll pop up to her and tell her everything I'm feeling and all my thoughts, she doesn't always have anything to say back because she doesn't know what its like but its actually better that way because even when she doesn't know what to say, she's always there with a hug and a shoulder to cry on.  She's so supportive and if I wasn't friends with her I don't know what my life would be like she helps me a lot and I love her for that.  

I always feel like I'm  just here, but I'm a waste of space like no one really pays attention to me, and mabey that's why I'm so loud and out-going, because I want to be noticed.  That's not the real me, I'm not a loud bubbly out-going confident sassy girl, that's all just pretend, fake.  Fake smiles, fake laughs, fake "I'm fine"'s, fake "oh I'm just tired"'s etc.  Honestly, I'm broken. inside, I feel like I wont ever know what it's like to be normal, and I push everyone away because I don't want people to know the real me, I'm ashamed of the real me I hide her away, but at night it all comes out, all the emotion all the pain, everything I'm always tired in the morning because I'm up late crying and I can't get to sleep because my tears have soaked my pillow. Everyday I fake a smile, every night I cry real tears.  When I am feeling like everything's catching up on me.  Music is my escape, and I know it is for lots of other people, there's something about it, when I can relate to the lyrics I just can't stop crying because I know what its like to think/live like that, and knowing there's others feeling the same way.  I can't control my tears.  When I'm in school or just out and  I just want to cry, I don't and Tegan knows that'd hard for me but she says "you're strong".  I always feel like I'm holding her back in a way, I feel like whenever I'm telling her how I feel she could be doing other things with her life, occasionally I'll say sorry and she'll tell me I have nothing to be sorry for but I know it must be hard for her to have all that on her shoulders.  I hate myself even more for putting her through all that, no one should ever have to have this much sadness in their life's and I feel like I've thrust all this upon her so quickly I feel like such a bad friend.

I suppose that was an alright introduction,I feel I've told you about me and my life and how I feel, I hope its enough, thats' me in the cover photo in case you were wondering what I look like.

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