forget, forgot, forgotten ?

Alex is an really normal girl. When she is 12 she falls in love with a boy while on vacation. When they return the next summer everything is perfect. They keep in touch but over the year the contact slowly fades away. When the next summer comes around he isn’t there. In a moment of complete anger and heartbroken she deletes all the contact information. All that’s left are the pictures. Almost directly after she feels miserable. A whole year go’s by and she is sure they will never meet again, a summer passes and she stay’s home. But almost a summer later she sees a clip on youtube, and there he is. Singing on the X-factor. Will they be reunited? And does he still remember her?


9. chapter 9 - the x-factor journey

lodon, starbucks - 2011


-THAT’S WERE MY DEMONS HIIIDE- great, my phone decided to yell at the buzziest moment of the day. Perrie got me a job at Starbucks, thank god I was making to coffee’s so I had time to put my little earphone in. mistake one. “OMG LEXX. WE ARE TROUGH TO THE LIVE SHOWS!” freaking hell P that’s so great! But please, stop yelling. I’m wearing my little ear-phone-thingy and it hurts. “Sure sure, mood killer” I laughed. “You can’t tell anybody! Anyways… I’m flying back to England and I have two weeks off, the first half week I’m spending with my family after that we have one week and a half for ourselves. After that I’m moving to the house!” “Alright love, but I have returned to work now, looking forward to you being home though! Byee P” “byee Lex! X”

                It was two days after perrie's call. I silently slipped out of the bed, putting my clothes on. I crept out of the small apartment I had ended up in and called a cab to take me home. Today was all about cleaning up for P’s return. First I had to go to the store to get some cleaning stuff. I totally suck at cleaning, because growing up we had a maid. So at the store I had really no clue of what to buy for cleaning. I wanted to ask a worker for help, but as soon as I turned around the corner I saw one of my biggest nightmares. Mike was here! In flacking London. Why? Why did he come here? I finally escaped the most of my past, and I was not looking for a reminder walking on the same grounds. So I grabbed almost every bottle that was in the cleaning rack and I took a sprint to the cash register. As soon as I had paid I rushed out of the store. As soon as the click from my apartment’s door filled the room I collapsed. Why do these things always seem to hunt me down? Why can’t this universe give me a fresh start? What did I do to give me such a bad karma? Oh well, karma is a bitch so probably nothing, they just liked fucking with me. So, back to the plan; cleaning… it went way better than I expected. I jumped on the cough just watching some boring TV as I heard the door. “L-DAAWG!” I jumped up in excitement. “P!” I yelled back.

 I started to run to the hall were Perrie was standing. I jumped into her arms which resulted in us falling to the floor. “Good to see you again L.” she grinned. “Yess, you have got me so much to tell, so first; how are you new band mates?” “They’re cool, were with four, and well we just have loads of fun.” We started walking into the living room and fell on the sofa. We talked for like two hours as she had so much happening in her life. I was happy for her, I really was. It was just hard for me to see my best friend doing the exact same thing as my summer love. Well, I guess he was more than that. I felt like he was my soul mate, best friend and boyfriend. I figured over the years that it hadn’t been like that, that he didn’t feel the same way but I ignored it. I told myself he never liked me, how could he? I really hated myself; of course every girl is insecure and doesn’t like herself. But I like to make myself believe that my case is different. If I don’t have problems I seem to get depressed, and if I have problems I am depressed but less. It weird and I don’t like it. Also I’m really fake I think. I can be everybody who I desire. I can be an utter bitch but I could easily snap into perfect child mode, badass and sneaky. I could play it all, I was a backstabber for some of my “friends” and I had bullied kids during my time from the 1st to the 6th grade. I really regretted it though, but so far from travelling back in time. I really wasn’t happy with myself. One of the reasons I started to cut. “Aye L? I’m going to call for pizza, standard order for you?” Perrie snapped me out of my thoughts. “Yea… thanks. Sorry just wandering off in my thoughts again.” I gave her a little apologetic smile. “Its fine, thinking about your past much lately aye?” she knew me too well. She had never asked about my past an I was thankful for that. Although I think it was about time I explained a little of it. As soon as the pizza arrived I would tell her a little about my past with Niall, I won’t let his name slip though. I know I can’t keep it dry if I explain so I already set the tissues.

 “What are you about to tell me Lex?” Perrie looked to me concerned, and then the bell rang. She ran to the door coming back with some really good smelling pizzas. “I’m going to tell you why I started again after you left. But it’s quite a long story so I’m just going to tell the big lines of it K?” I saw her brighten up, if she only knew what I was about to tell… “So you are really ready to open up to me?” “Yea, I think you deserve it so here goes nothing” I send her a light smile as I began my story. I basically told her; so in the past I met someone. He was my boyfriend for the summer, but he was from a different country though. We had spent the whole summer together and made plans for the next one. We spend the next summer the exact same as the previous one. To him I had opened up immediately, I big mistake I think afterwards. The next summer he didn’t show up, little my hope as I stayed for 2 days then I got a text which read; my new love, cute isn’t she? Xhisname. But he spelled his own freaking name wrong. I felt heartbroken so I deleted him from my life except from the pictures. The years that followed my life fell apart, only to see him make an appearance again in my life around this time last year. He auditioned for the x-factor and now he is world famous. Your stories match exactly as he was a solo act at first but ended up in a group. “I… I don’t know what to say. I guess I feel sorry, and I think when you’re ready I will get more.” I felt myself getting a little annoyed. “I FINALLY OPENED UP; IT HAD CAUSED ME A LOT TO DO THAT. ONE OF THE REASINS I DIDN’T WAS BECAUSE YOU WOULD PITTY MY THEN. BUT I THOUGH YOU WOULDN’T. DAMN I WAS WRONG. DON’T PITTY MY FOR FUCKS SAKE!” okay, so this outburst wasn’t really about her. It was about everything going on at the moment. Deja vu much? Yupp. I soon felt really ashamed of my outburst and ran up to my room. Oh how little child I still was sometimes.

 After a while I heard a slight knock on my door. “Love? Can I please come in; I think we need a little more talking. Don’t worry I brought the tissue box.” I could just picture her smiling a little while saying that. “Come in then.” I heard the door open and a wave of cold air hit me. “I’m really really sorry about wasn't about you. Although I really didn’t like it. I ran into a well I don’t know how to call him so let’s say a person from the past which upset me much. And then I told you about the whole Ni…” for fuck sake, I nearly let his name slip. Quick recover and talk over it. “Naïve summer love thing which broke my heart and then you practically reliving it. It just became a little much.” Good save there Lex. I told myself. “I understand. I wasn’t mad, just a little shocked. I will not pity you anymore then.” “So were good?” “Yupp,J” so much for my little outburst, now her x-factor days ahead I knew that I needed extra razor blades, just not until Perrie left though.

                I sat on the couch with a big sight. Perrie was gone, off to the contestants’ house. I was so happy for her and proud also. But with her living after Niall it would be hard for me these next weeks. Great, just flacking great. I muttered a little under my breath. You’re talking to yourself again weirdo! So what? It’s not like you can stop me. I know, but I can make you feel worse though. Argh just shut up man! Oh, calling me man then? I’m still you, so for your notice a girl... urgh, just shut up wise arse and let me pity myself. You really like that then aye? Yes, so shut up please and leave me alone. Oh you know I can’t do that! I AM you, silly. Ugh, you get weirder every second Lex; you really need to stop answering yourself. Oh, so you’re just going to ignore me? Go cut you fat whore. Great, I am really going mental. Good idea though. I got up to the bathroom to cut. It felt really good, the cold of the blades made my calm, and the pain of the cut masked the pain in my chest a little. A little was good enough for now. I knew Perrie had labeled my summer boy down to five, as that was an easy task. Only one group of five boys got put together that year. She knew I would tell her when I was ready and she respected my boundaries. With every week that she got further I got more and more depressed. She insisted me go seeing to live shows live, so from the fifth week I sat in the studio’s watching her perform every once a week. I could see the joy when she was performing, and after the show I got a quick talk with her sometimes.

 The semi-finals were tomorrow, and it was my worst day yet. I wanted to let some steam off from the crazy events of my life so I decided to go for a walk. Niall had taken away my fear of woods the second and last summer we spend together. He knew what had happened and he still loved me. So I decided to make a quick round, as it was pretty late and I still couldn’t be there at night. Pathetic right, as it was like seven years ago. So I was nearly at the end as I saw him. I saw flacking Mike. He walked like 4 meter in front of me all alone. He listened to music and I could hear him humming along a little. O god, I got so scared. I wanted to scream but my throat didn’t make any noise. I wanted to run but my feet were glued to the ground. I bet it must have looked pathetic, a girl almost falling randomly in the woods and all the sound she made was a little shriek. But it wasn’t random. It wasn’t random at all. Mike, the woods, evening. Memories came flooding back; I fell and hit the ground hard. I remember someone running to me as I blacked out.

                 A throbbing Payne in my head woke me up, my eyes felt like they were glued together. Why the fuck was my bed so flacking hard. As I finally got my eyes open I saw I was still in the wood. Why the fuck was I in the woods? The memories from last night came flooding back as I tried to block them out. I needed to get home first before I broke down again. I pulled my pained body up and crumpled to my car. I got home safely much to my surprise. In about 6 hours I would have to face Perrie and I was a total mess. I collapsed in my bathroom. I made some kind of a deal that I wouldn’t cut on her performing days; but this time was an exception. I had blacked out in a forest with mike in it. I made seven in a row, just to get the pain to leave. It was hard but my mind finally focused on my body, I was in shock and I had pain in my legs and head. Eventually the effect of the cuts wore off. My mind with all my thinking got back to me. As my legs and head hurtled I decided to not take painkillers. I really needed the pain right now. I got my make-up and took a shower. Covering every bruise on my legs and cleaning myself up. I made it to her show. She made it to the finals. I ran out of the studios as soon as it was over. I couldn’t face her.

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