Star Warped!!! Episode One: The Fanta Menace

A sci-fi, comical take-off of Star Wars.
But it actually does develop its own plot.


1. Chapter One: The Jedi Knights

Episode One: The Fanta Menace


The Jedi are running low on Fanta, which they rely upon for energy tablets called Light Savers. For this very reason, the Jedi Knights send their most defiant man, Cry-On Jim, to negotiate with the Fantasians, who live in Fantasia, where Fanta is made in great quantities.

While the Jedi Knights are on Fantasia, they realise that Queen Armadillo and her people are endangered by the Fifth, who wish to take over Fantasia, and take all the Fanta for themselves. Queen Armadillo agrees to go with the Jedi when warned of the Fifth’s plans, and hopes to convince the Jedi government to help save her, and her whole planet.


Chapter One: The Jedi Knights

‘It is the year 2040, and not that much has changed,’ Cry-On observed as he took a stroll through the botanical gardens. He stopped by the lake, and caught a glance of his reflection. ‘Well, that certainly has.’ He finished.

                Last time Cry-On had been to the botanical gardens, he was only ten. He fondly remembered that day.

                ‘Master, why must the Jedi live in space?’

                Master Man Toqiy has swiftly responded. ‘We must live in space because it marks the beginning of a new age!’

                ‘But if man was meant to live in space, why can’t we? Why can’t it support life?’

                Cry-On’s master had only sighed. ‘Cry-On, do you know where Earth is?’

                The poor boy had been confused. ‘Space.’

                His master had finally smiled then. ‘Exactly.’

                Cry-On frowned now, as he realised his master had never really answered his question. But that was thirty years ago now, and these days, Cry-On had an apprentice of his own: Obe-two Canopy.

                Obe-two was sixteen years old, and probably wiser than Cry-On. He was certainly a lot less defiant, a fact that disturbed Cry-On. Obe-two tended to follow the rules, doing everything he was told, even when the best way was obviously against the rules. The master often wondered if his apprentice would ever break the rules.

                He himself certainly had! It was for that very reason that Cry-On Jim wasn’t allowed on the Jedi council – a small section of the Jedi government. Sometimes that bothered Cry-On more than Obe-two.

                Cry-On was suddenly interrupted from his thoughts by his young apprentice.

                ‘Master Cry-On, it will soon be dark. We had better be heading home.’

                Yet another rule Obe-two wouldn’t break.

                ‘Home’ was the Jedi space-station, surrounded by the space-station cities of Jedian. As far as the Jedians were concerned, the Jedi HQ was just the Jedian Parliament building, and ‘Jedi’ was simply the name of their police force, government, and city. But all this was just a cover-up for the truth.

                The Jedi were a special, top-secret branch of spies, which had only been recently established in the year 2000, and knowledge of the Jedi was scarcely common. Few people had heard they even existed.

                Cry-On responded to his apprentice, using his Jedian pet name for him. ‘Just a minute, Ahhackawan. I wish to stay here for just a moment longer.’

                Obe-two made a face, as if he had tasted something sour. ‘Can’t I have a new nick-name? I’m not a child any longer.’

                Cry-On only smiled. ‘Yes you are, at least in my eyes. You are still my Ahhackawan.’

                Obe-two smiled as well, despite himself.

                Ahhackawan was Jedian for ‘small one’, and Obe-two had been called that for as long as he could remember. Only ever by Cry-On Jim though. Never by his parents. In fact, Obe-two Canopy had never known his parents. His father had wanted to be  Jedi, but – when he was declared too old – gave the Jedi his youngest son. They promptly changed his name, which is exactly what happens to all Jedi.

                Jedi were not allowed to marry, or have too many friends, and so refused to accept anyone into the force that had bonded with their parents or siblings. A good soldier had no friends, only enemies. That was the Jedi’s motto.

                The Jedi had named themselves after the famous movies, ‘Star Wars’, but in reality they were very different. After all, there are no such thing as aliens, and humans cannot live on any planet but Earth. Although they can and do live in space-stations.

                Their weapon was the septusword, which looked like a light-saber because it hid away in the handle. But with a touch of a button, out would come a one metre long blade, made out of flat pieces of light steel. The septusword had six points, or six sides, if you prefer, and the rim was covered with small laser-lights, as was the end, so it was possible to fight in the dark.

                Jedi did not have powers, but they were certainly good at making people feel like they did. If looks could kill, the Jedi would certainly be people to avoid. But the majority of the Jedi were really decent fellows, unless you counted Cry-On as indecent.

                ‘Master,’ Obe-two said worriedly, ‘it’s past six o’clock.’

                Cry-On sighed. ‘All right then. Let’s leave.’

                The two walked towards the buyoonsamah – Jedian for spaceship – and climbed in. Obe-two was claustrophobic, and – closing his eyes – said, ‘master, please, get it over and done with.’

                Cry-On grinned, almost evilly. He always seemed so delighted by his apprentice’s fears. ‘Let’s go!’ He agreed eventually, revving the engine.

                The buyoonsamah blasted away, completely unnoticed.


Youda was the founder of the Jedi, and also the oldest knight. At the age of 80, he was still a master of, THE master of, the Jedi. And he was a most unusual person, for he was part of a small group (that was gradually growing in numbers) of people that called themselves aliens, and dyed their skin green – with a permanent dye. They were, in fact, pygmies, but that truth was not to be spoken of. Especially not to Youda.

                Youda was the Jedi Chance-el-err, the title being a Jedian word for, ‘chance and error’. This described the Chance-el-err’s job perfectly, as most of the time he made decisions based upon nothing at all.

The chance-el-err was the leader of the Jedian government, especially the council, so it was only fitting that such an important man had assistants.

‘Maze Windu, Buddy Bliow, and Man Toqiy. Do come in, sit down.’ Youda turned around to face his friends. ‘My friends, glad, I am, that you have come. Few friends I have, and count on you, I know I can.’

Maze Windu (who was 60 years of age), rolled his eyes. ‘You’re with us, Youda. You can stop pretending to be an alien.’

He was the only man who dared mentioned Youda’s non-alien genes, thus referring to his true pygmy heritage.

Youda sighed. ‘Thank you for reminding me.’ He said, surprisingly grateful, revealing his posh English accent. ‘Sometimes being an alien is exhausting.’

Maze Windu smiled. He was the second in command, and so sat to Youda’s right during council meetings, or in any meetings really. Man and Buddy sat on Youda’s left, as his advisors and co-workers, and yes. They did sit in that order deliberately. They liked it when people addressed them as, ‘Maze, Youda, Man, Buddy’. Or at least Maze did.

Youda was troubled today, and it wasn’t just because he was green. ‘We are running out of Fanta!’

The three men gasped, and Youda continued.

‘It is impossible for the Jedi to survive without it. Or at least to survive well.’

‘Without Fanta,’ Buddy thought aloud, ‘our men will lack the energy tablets they need to sustain them with enough Jedi energy.’

Man licked his lips. ‘Mmm… light savers.’

Maze Windu tried to help. ‘Could we drink coffee?’

Youda shook his head. ‘It takes too long to make, and you can’t take it everywhere. Besides, coffee puts you on a high for a very short amount of time, whereas life savers can last for days!’

‘They taste nicer too.’ Man added. Everyone glared at him. ‘Sorry, not helping.’

There was a long silence, until, finally, Man spoke again.

‘Why not negotiate with Fantasia?’ All eyes were on Man again, this time in a positive way, as he explained. ‘The Fantasians are forever making Fanta. Why not trade with them? There must be something they need in return.’

Youda nodded. ‘That is a very good idea.’

‘Who would we send?’ Maze Windu asked.

Suddenly, a loud alarm went off, and Youda sighed.

‘Oh, I know exactly who we will send.’


Cry-On was aware that he and Obe-two were late back… very late. It was eight o’clock, and Jedi were supposed to be back at seven. If you obeyed the rules often enough, you could earn privileges to stay up until ten or maybe even all night, but Cry-On wasn’t one to be good.

                All the Jedi wore a necklace, which was really a mechanical device that could do a great many things. For example, if your septusword was a great distance away from you, you could simply press the button on your necklace, and the septusword would come, as the necklace doubled as a tracker that only the septusword could interpret. Two great mechanical devices, one inventor: Youda.

                That was whom Cry-On was afraid of now as he reset the time back to 6.30. Before any Jedi could enter or leave the building, they had to clock in and out. Their necklaces were also ‘cards’, and each one had different microchips inside. The machine knew exactly who coming and who was going.

                Obe-two was nervous, as he was on the lookout for anyone who might dob them in. ‘Master Jim, are you sure this will work.’

                ‘Of course it will. Here, you go first.’

                Obe-two nervously waved his necklace over the scanner. ‘Obe-two Canopy. 6.30 pm.’ The machine said.

                Obe-two sighed with relief and stood back. ‘Your turn.’

                Master Cry-On did likewise, waving his necklace over the scanner. That was when Obe-two noticed something.

                ‘Master! The time’s gone back to…’

                The late alarm went off.

                Cry-On sighed, as Obe-two finished his sentence. ‘…the time’s gone back to eight.’ The young man sighed and looked up. ‘We are in BIG trouble.’

                Cry-On frowned dismally. ‘Big may be an understatement.’


Youda, Man, Buddy, and Maze were not impressed.

                ‘Broke the rules again, you did.’ Youda pointed out the obvious, being careful to speak in his alien accent.

                Obe-two hung his head in shame, and Cry-On felt bitterly disappointed in him. To make a point to his young apprentice, he stood very straight and tall, looking straight ahead as if he were a soldier at ease.

                Youda looked at Cry-On. ‘Ashamed, you are not?’

                Cry-On thought for a moment. ‘No.’

                ‘Why not?’ Maze inquired.

                ‘I was taught never to be ashamed.’

                This statement was addressed to two people – Obe-two and Master Man Toqiy.

                Man, aged 69, hung his head in shame as Maze, Youda, and Buddy glared at him. AGAIN.

                ‘See what you have trained?’ Youda spoke. ‘A defiant man he is. Perfect for negotiations. He will be sent to Fantasia. Send him, I will.’ Both Obe-two and Cry-On looked at Youda now, so he quickly explained the situation. ‘We are running low on Fanta.’

                Cry-On quickly understood what was going on, as did young Obe-two.

                ‘What am I to do while he is gone?’ Obe-two asked. (Apprentices seldom leave their masters’ side).

                Youda smiled at him. ‘Go with him, you will.’

                Obe-two was surprised, and Cry-On took advantage of that. ‘I can’t leave my Ahhackawan behind now, can I?’

                Obe-two frowned, and reddened a little, as everyone in the room refrained from laughing. ‘I’m not a child.’ He said indignantly.

                Youda smiled. ‘Don’t worry. Cry-On was once called Cebackawan.’

                Cry-On’s smile turned to a frown, or a shocked facial expression similar to a frown, as Maze and Man actually began laughing.

                Cebackawan is Jedian for ‘foolish one’.

                Youda beamed proudly and got back on track, calming everyone down a little. ‘Will you go tomorrow, Cebackawan?’

                Everyone giggled, and Obe-two finally burst out laughing.

                Cry-On grimaced. ‘Only if you stop calling me that.’ He turned to Obe-two, the only one in the room he could take his anger out on. ‘Ahhackawan! Ahhackawan!’

                Obe-two stopped laughing and frowned.

                The Jedi attempted to be a Christian group (though very loosely speaking, for they also tried to imitate the Star Wars movies and Kung-Fu Panda, which was odd) and therefore had a lot of morals. Jedian was built upon such morals, and had very strict rules about everything: marriage, dating, dressing, the way you lived…. They argued all were based on the Bible, not just hollow ideas from Youda, but that was not always the case. However, one moral that was highly valued and undisputed in value was ‘respect your elders’. Thus Obe-two knew he was pushing his luck and would probably end up in trouble from Youda, but he did it anyway.

He stuck out his tongue to Cry-On.

Cry-On ‘s ice-blue eyes flashed angrily.

While everyone else laughed.


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