Friends With Benefits


46. Chapter 46

Harry P.O.V.

"Hey, Les, since Zayn is here, mind if I go home and get some more clothes?" I asked as I walked back into the kitchen fully dressed.
She turned around and crossed her arms with attitude. "I don't need to be babysat," she said in a cute, irritated tone. I chuckled and rolled my eyes. "Okay, would you rather stay here by yourself then?" I shot back, eyebrows raised and a smirk on my face.
She took a breath as if she was about to speak but hesitated. She shut her mouth and then pursed her lips, narrowing her eyes at me. I knew I had gotten her there, which caused a smug grin to form across my face.
"Hmph. Zayn, would you like to stay over and hang out with me? NOT BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO BE ALONE OR ANYTHING," she said, directing her last sentence at me and then sticking out her tongue. I smiled and winked at her in response.
Zayn chuckled. "Sure, babe."

Zayn P.O.V.
Harry had left now and I went and sat over on Leslie's couch as I waited for her to finish up whatever she was doing in the kitchen. I honestly don't even know why I decided to come over in the first place. But here I was. Since Harry wasn't here, now was my chance to make a move, right? But what am I going to do? What am I going to say? Am I going to tell her how I feel? Unlikely. I don't even know HOW I feel. Maybe it was simply lust. Maybe I just want what I can't have. Maybe I just envy what Harry has- what they both have actually. Maybe a part of me wants to break them apart because it pains me to see how disgustingly happy they are while I'm not. But then there's the other part of me that remembers Harry's my best friend, so it pains me to think I would even think of inflicting any pain on him. And Leslie, well she had become one of my closest friends. I could easily let my emotions show around her; tell her about all of my problems. Did I really want to ruin that friendship? Did I even want to do this...whatever THIS was? The more I sat here, the more I began to delve deeper into my chaotic thoughts.

I mean, I don't even know if I want Leslie in that way to be honest. I think I'm forcing myself to believe I do; forcing myself to become sexually attracted to her; forcing myself to do stupid things like what I had done in the kitchen, just as an excuse to avert my mind from the real truth of it all; the truth that I've been trying to avoid thinking about.
Like, when I'm thinking about her, I'm not actually thinking of her; I'm thinking of the idea of her. To have someone special like her, holding me close, being intimate with me. Someone who loves you so unconditionally that you feel so incredibly happy. Someone who is always there for you- is committed to you. I guess...I want her, but not HER. I think I'm just using Leslie in my mind to fulfill the spot of this perfect girl I'm yearning for. I'm just so fucked up in the brain right now. And it's all because Don't even go there, Zayn. Don't even think about it.

Leslie snuggled into the opposite end of the couch, pulling me out of my conflicting thoughts.
"So, let's talk! How are things going between you and Mary?" she asked with a smile.

As soon as those words- that name- left her lips, I burst out into tears. I couldn't control myself as they came flooding down like a dam had just been broken. That was it, I realized. It was Mary. I didn't want to admit to myself that she was the source of it all, but she was. I honestly didn't really want Leslie. I wanted Mary. Leslie was just a decoy from Mary that my fucked up mind had created; a decoy my mind had created to get me to try to forget how Mary had stolen my heart and then stomped on it ruthlessly. I had tried to not let it effect me; to not let it phase me. I hadn't even shed a tear once about it. Yet here I was in front of Leslie, acting like a little bitch, sobbing uncontrollably. It's like all of my emotions had been building up deep inside me, waiting to come out as soon as the magic word was spoken. All of my confusing thoughts that had been driving me insane had all pieced together perfectly, making everything seem so clear now.
"Les, what the fuck did I do to deserve this?" I said. Her eyes met mine, wide with worry, confusion, and sincere concern. "I thought she was so perfect, someone I could get into a serious committed relationship with, someone who I could give all my love to, and then she has to turn around and do THAT," I said spitting out the last word with hatred in my voice. Hatred- not at Mary, but at what she had done. I ran my hands through my hair frustratingly, letting out an aggravated sigh that was mixed with my steady flow of tears. Leslie put her hand on my shoulder comfortingly as she bent her head low to be level with mine; talking almost in a whisper.
"Zayn, what happened?"

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