The True Story Of How I Met Your Daddy

My hand shakes as I write this, but I have to get it down. It's the last thing I'll be doing in this life. I want you to know who your real parents are, and the real story behind them. I love you, my baby boy.


11. LAPD Coroners Report


Los Angeles Police Department Coroners Report 

  Title: Miss         First Name: Wilhemina-Jean        Surname: Geldburn        Race: African-American

Gender: Female      Approx. Age: 25      D.O.B.: 8/19/1961      D.O.D: 6/11/1986       Approx. Time of Death: 20:00-20:45

Cause Of Death: Breaking of the verterbrae in the neck via suspension (hanging)        Case Determined: Suicide

Baseline Details

Discovered: Discovered in Room 17 of Starlight Motel, at 22:47 by neighbor, on her back with a ripped strip of cloth around her neck (torn off skirt?) and note by left hand. Small "book" was also found nearby, with title "The True Story Of How I Met Your Daddy" on the front cover. Bloody pair of hairdressers scissors found in close proximity to body, with victims fingerprints on handle. Rigoromortis had just begun when her body was found.

Last Movements: Multiple healed scars on both arms indicate history of self-harm. Last wound on arm was caused approximately 10-12 hours before death. All wounds on arms were made by hairdressing scissors found at the crime scene.

Victim was found to have prostituted herself at least 16 times in the past week, and was apparentley suffering from depression when she died, which was probably her reason for suicide. Contents of note confirm the theory.

Past Crimes: Prosecuted for Fraud, Harassment and Breaking And Entering in 1981. Pled guilty to all charges, and was incarcerated for 11 months.

Prosecuted for Breaking And Entering and Assault in 1982. Pled guilty to all charges, and was incarcerated for 3 years 6 months.

Medical History: Was admitted to hospital in labor. Discharged after 1 week in 1981 with newborn son (later adopted) . No complications were found to have arisen for both mother and son.

Symptoms of depression were evident, as was evidence of self-harm.

Several self-inflicted cuts were present on the victims face, designed for mutilation, with the deepest being 1 inch deep across the right cheek. Reasoning for cuts is present in note.

Contents of Note

A note was found alongside Miss Geldburn, which shall be classed as a suicide note. The contents of which are documented below.

I can only imagine what life must be like for my son now, as I am not there to see it. Definitely better than             what I could have given him.

The police have probably found my deliberately mutilated body by now, and I'd like to clear-up why I scratched       at my face and cut off all my hair. Long story short, you don't need to be pretty in Hell. After all, being pretty is     what got me in this mess in the first place. Plus a little alcohol.

The only thing I regret, is how I hadn't caused that deadbeat son of a bitch more pain, for what he did to me and   my son. I only hope that he winds up in Hell when he dies, where I will make sure that the eternal torment he          gets, will be the least of his worries.

I can't see my son again, but I want him to know one thing. I love him.


Miss Geldburn's nearest relatives, her sister and her son, will be informed of her suicide. Her funeral will be arranged, and efforts will be made to support her relatives.

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