Keep Calm and Type On!

This is an attempt to capture the growth of a young girl over the year.

Meet Emily: she's 11 years old and very much the airhead. From her first experience with menstruation to her numerous attempts at attaining to the Queen Bee throne in her new school, she remains quite naive but good-humoured.

This was originally meant for the diary competition, and the first chapter made me win one of the 'Most Original and Funniest Voices' awards. I am now trying to keep on working at it with a hope to develop this 'original and funny' side of mine as well as hopefully improve on my writing skills.
Let me know what you think!


2. ...And Hold Your Horses!


December 4th

WHY DOES THIS ONLY HAPPEN TO ME?! Seriously, name me one other person in the history of our planet who's found herself on a horse that was humping another horse???

I was very happy still believing that babies were delivered to hospitals by storks, thankyouvermuch...Sex-Ed from mum was awkward enough, with her giving me yet another pile of books about reproduction WITH ILLUSTRATIONS!! After the 'period incident', Amy and mum, had gone out of their way to educate me - that is not the kind of education I would wish upon ANYONE!!! To anyone who's willing to listen, here's a word of advice: if your mother comes up to you and says 'Darling, let  me tell you the true story behind the bees and the birds', RUN!!! I could swear she was trying to conceal a grin as well...Anyway, that is not the point. The point is, that in less than a month, I have read, seen, heard and been part of things I had no desire to be part of. Honestly, all those dumb girls who are like 'Oh My God, I heard that the sex is supposed to be amazing, I can't wait to be grown up...', well they have no idea what's in store for them...

So, there I was, happily making my way to the field for my  horse-riding lesson. I absolutely adore horses, they are definitely not stupid animals and once you bond with them, you have a friend for life. No, I am not the horse whisperer but I do have great monologues with them...I had been looking so forward to today, I had spent a week whining to Gabe, our coach, to let me have a go on Mist who was the newest addition to the stables. Mist is a pure-bred stallion and just 2 years old. To ride him was an honor for anyone and Gabe had said that today would be my turn. So there was Mist, restlessly stamping his hoof on the ground, unable to stand still. I limberly got onthe saddle, checked that the harness was not too tight and fixed the stirrups to my specifications. Gabe came holding Mist's reins and he warned me, "Mist is stronger that the other horses you've ridden so far and he's in heat right now be vigilant". "Yeah, yeah, fine!" I had no idea what he meant by 'in heat' and I would do great, I could feel it in my bones. I took the reins from my hesitant coach and eagerly clicked my tongue. 

WHHHOOOOOOOSSHHHHHH! Yup, things had started to go wrong...Mist was off like a rocket, the reins had slipped from under my grip and I was clinging on to the saddle for dear life. Somehow, in a heroic and rare moment from myself, I managed to scoop the reins back and pulled on them whilst gently leaning back on the saddle to slow my raging animal down. 'Bup-bup-bup-bup-bup, I bounced on the saddle, dazed, as the gallop turned into a canter and then a trot. Well, for adventure,  I couldn't have asked for better! I thought I could heave a sigh of relief but no, I felt a tiny tug on the reins and off he was again. "GGGAAAAAAABBBBBEEEEEEEE!!!" I yelled nearly lying down on Mist's back in my attempt to get him to slow down. "I told you so!" was the amused reply I received. Oh.The.Cheek! I was onthe brink of death and my coach, the adult my parents had entrusted me with, was taking the judicious stance...well, this wasjust splendid! Ah, to add to my current misery of the gallopng beast, the whole riding class was sat on their own respective class following Mist's race around the filed in bemusement. Finally, my crazy horse ran out of breath so decided to slow down to a walk. 

"Now that Mist has had his fun, everyone, get walking in an orderly manner around the field. John, you get in front of Mist, we don't want him jumping any of our mares". Wait, whaaaaatttt?! Please, do not tell me that that's what he meant by 'in heat'!My arms were aching from all the rein pulling I had done and my knees were weak from my recent trauma. I had no strength left to fight this pure-bred stallion...not that I had done a good job so far! As if he was a mind reader, Mist started becoming restless once again, he smelt the mares in near proximity and started picking up the pace and neighing out loud. "Oh no," was all I had time to think before he dashed off in search of a female to...yeah...

"WHAT THE HELL??!" Kyle had time to just fall off Ginger's back when he saw the fast approaching figure of Mist. I was still trying my best to slow that annoying fool of a horse down when my body went from being near horizontal to almost upside down. Hastily, I grabbed the saddle and heaved myself in an upright position, settling for a jumping position which was the best way to restore the balance. I had't understood that Mist has actually in the process of trying to give Ginger babies. My mind was still working out what I needed to do so as not to fall off. Then, I started to wonder why I was feeling sea-sick, was it me being dizzy or was my stallion rocking back and forth at a regular and intensifying rhythm? OH MY GOD, HE WAS HUMPING GINGER AND I WAS STILL ON TOP OF HIM.

"Gabe!!! What should I doo? GABE?!" I looked pleadingly in my coach's direction, who stood stunned in the middle of the field with Kyle at his side. "I...I don't know" was the helpful guidance he provided. Well, thnakyouverymuch, what the hell do we pay you for?! 

I don't know how long htis ordeal lasted, but it felt like a lifetime and all I could hear were those spaced-out grunts from both animals. An array of emotions went through me from fear to indignation, from embarassment to frustration. Why did I have to ask for Mist? Why did I have to insist with Gabe?! WHHYYYYYYY!!!!!  That should teach me not to be such a nag, now, look where I've ended up: on top of a huge panting horse staring at a mare's backside against my own will.  From now on, I promise that I will never nag anyone for anything...AGAIN. Well, unless it's dad, because he forgets things, but other than that, I will never nag anyone EVER again, I promise!

How did I get off? Oh, well since it was quite certain that neither horse would care of what I was doing, Gabe finally snapped out of his shock and gently guided me off the incosiderate beast. It wasn't a very easy process because Mist kept jerking back and forth and I was required to jump as discreetly as possible the furthest I could from the scene of the crime. Somehow, I managed it and I landed on all fours. I crawled all the way back to Gabe, who had by then ushered all the other horses back to the stables, as quickly as I could. He helped me to the bleachers and, out of nowhere, let out a guffaw which resonated inmy ears. "Honestly, Emily, how you get yourself in those situations, I have no idea! This has been, by far, the most eventful day of my life!"

No concern as to how I'm coping? Well I'm traumatised, thankyouverymuch! Ooooh, I still get shivers down my spine thinking about this.  Oko, diary, I'm off to find myself a support group, no one seems to see the serious side of this incident.




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