Emo love story- Smile

Titel says it all


3. BAD football!!

I have and always will hate myself. I have never done anything to make me 'fit in' i don't want to! Who wants to be a prissy flirting back and forth and cheating every dumb idiot?! Obvoiusly everyone but me!

Every since the first day in kindergarden. I always klung to myself. After my moms divorce i learned that love and friends are a gamble not worth betting. I understood clear enough and decided not to end up like her: depending on others, lost in all her own failure and sadness. So i never took the initiative to make friends. She bought me and i-pod and a diary later on and they became my best friends. This diary i have taken some pages out and you are getting it dear reader.

Well up until a few weeks ago my everyday has pretty much been the same since kindergarden. I sit at the back of class. Concentrate on my school work. In the breaks i walk to a special tree located in the back of the school where nobody goes. I climb up and listen to music, write in my diary or think. 

On sad day in gym we all had to play football. I don't wear make-up or silly frilly clothes that take long to undress so i was first out on the field together with Frede. Usually i would never notice him and just sit on the grass and wish i wasen't there. But this time Frede came over to me and asked if i wanted to help him practice before the others came. Against all my logic i said yes. 

I stood goal and he shot. He got it in all the times but kept assuring me i wasen't bad. Oddly enough, i remember laughing with him. He shot the ball and hit me right in the stomach. I huffed and fell to my knees and the air was knocked out of me.

He came rushing and helped me up. I remember his arms wher strong and warm against me, and it felt good in his arms. Of course i blushed and started yelling at myself to get up and walk away. At some point in that little 'cuddle' i did. I ran in took my stuff and left. Not even thinking of the trouble the next day.

Mom was not home and i had completely nobody to come to. The fear of having broken my perfect image and life. The way his arms felt around me. I even knew it was coming i could feel it creeping in like death! But i ignored it and just walked into my room and cried. I CRIED like a little girl, and i hated myself more for that. I smashed the wall and put a poster over to hide it. 


Dear reader you haft to understand something about me: I  want to live in peace! You may think i'm overeacting but when you finish this book you will understand my actions better.


 But i guess thats the one problem of being self supporting. Sometimes it's just too much to bear.

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