Passion (15+)

When the 16 years old girl called Emily, decided to go for a trip to Brighton, UK, with three of her best friends, she didn't imagine running into a guy that would change her life completely.
Their plans had been; Partying, flirting, having one night stands, and just enjoy the life as a teenager, with no parents for the whole summer.
But when she met him at a festival one night, her life turned upside down, and nothing would ever be the same...
She fell head over heels in love with him, but didn't realise how bad it was until it was too late.
That's what happens when you fall in love with 19 years old, Zayn Malik.


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43. How will I ever be able to go on without you?

Emily's P.O.V:

 

Dear Diary - Day 4. Diary 1.

Ummm... Yeah, I find it weird as well, I don't know how to start writing in you, but Clara told me to write everything down, in details. How I get pass these days, how I grow stronger (tsh, won't happen), but I will probably not be that good at it. After all, no one will understand how much it hurts. Right now it's afternoon, and I'm sitting on the terrasse, glancing at the stars, it's just like they aren't shining that bright anymore.

Like every other day, I woke up in the middle of the night, crying so loud that I woke the others. I wrapped myself in the covers, and cried until my pillow was so wet that I couldn't sleep on it. It is like a demon, that's tearing me apart from the inside.

I still don't know how I've survived these four days, without him. Actually, I haven't survived, it's like... I'm not dead. I'm a ghost, cold, quiet and just walking around like a shadow of who I used to be. The wood I'm sitting on, is wet, cause it has been raining all day, actually it has been raining since the day he left. Maybe it's cause the heaven are crying as well? Or not. I guess I'm starting to go insane. It's just...

I feel like he marks everything I do. I don't actually do a lot. I haven't been away from the house, cause his ghost still lingers here, it's around me all the time. Do you ever think I'll be okay? I'm far from sure. 

These wounds he cut right open, on my heart, won't seem to heal, it's like he still have all of me. 

The sound of him closing the door, still goes on repeat in my mind.

I don't know what more to say, these feelings are too big for me to write down, or to ever tell anyone. 

All I know is that... I am far from strong enough to let go.

- Em. 

 

 

Dear Diary - Day 5. Diary 2. 

I'm so tried of being here, haunted by all the nightmares. I can't go on. I don't want to go on without him.

Like every other day, I woke up, broke down, pulled myself together, got downstairs, just to see the worried faces of the ones I love, as they tried to make me eat something, I actually ate a carrot, but nothing more. Well, after that I walked into the living room, and for many hours I just watched movies, horror movies, and action movies. I don't really like romantic movies anymore... They remind me too much, of what I've lost. After watching about three movies, I went for a long walk on the beach, and truth is... Now that I don't break down, that much more, it hurts even more. It's like carrying a heavy stone instead of my heart, where ever I go. My eyes are empty, I'm well aware of that. My heart is not beating in the way it did before, and my wrists... How can I ever explain to anyone how much pain this have caused me? I mean, I promised never to go down that road again, so tell me, why is the razor in my hand every night? Not only my wrists are covered, I mean, I can't cut on wounds... My thighs, my hips, my stomach. My heart.

My body feels so hard to get out of the bed in the morning, I just wanna stay in his way too big t-shirt, all day long. But I can't. I'll have to go on with my life. But neither I can do that.

Here I am, once again, sitting on the terrasse, trying to find the stars, but today they're hiding behind a thick clouded sky. I'm feeling so much weaker, than ever before. I feel like giving up...

- Em. 

 

That's how the days passed, nothing changed. Soon what started out with two days, turned into two weeks. It was like a big black world, of nothing but depression, and fucked up thoughts, had taken over me. I wasn't ready for living again. I wasn't ready for dying yet. I wasn't ready for anything, but walking around like I would never smile again, laugh or even live.

The boys came to Brighton almost every second day, to say hi, and to see how I was doing. I still remembered sitting on the terrasse, beside Niall, just staring empty out on the ocean. He had that sad look in his eyes, and it killed me. He had looked me in the eyes, looked at my wounds on my wrists, held my hand, and whispered, "You've become thin, even your wrists are bleeding. Can't you see how beautiful you are, Em?" He had had that sad look in his eyes, that only he could have. That look of sorrow, and guilt. I had swallowed hard, and he had wiped away my tears... I remembered myself asking, "Is he doing alright?" ... 

 

 

 

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