Life through closed eyes

This is for the diary competition... I listened to
Good life by OneRepublic (class song) and
James Morrisions latest album whilst writing this... Hope you like it... So yeah... stay tuned :)

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2. Day 2

 

 

Dear me:

 

Second day of writing this thing, and i’m slowly getting the hang of it! Go me! Maybe I should make myself a certificate or something, ‘Worlds best diary writer’... Or is that really sad? Haha oh well, who gives a shit.

 

Anyway today has been pretty awful really. I payed a visit to the doctor today, just a check up to see how my blood counts were. They took a blood test, which hurt like a bitch, and eventually told me that my platelet counts are extremely low, and my cancerous cells have increased. So basically i’m gonna have to start chemotherapy, to try and destroy my leukemia cells. Yaaay! Eugh. To be honest I don’t know if i’m ready for that yet. It just seems like too much sometimes you know? I mean you would think I would have come to grips with it by now, wouldn’t you? But for some reason I just cant imagine not being here, not existing. I can’t imagine not waking up, and having dreams, and eating chocolate whilst watching chickflicks. 

 

Plus, I kinda don’t think I can pull off the bald look. Vain, right? But... For me it’s better to worry about stupid little things, like weather I could end up blinding someone when the light reflects of my scalp, or if I will look like a boiled egg with eyes, then to worry that I might not wake up tomorrow morning. For once, it’s just nice to feel like a normal teenager, who stresses about what they look like, and if this skirt makes them look fat.

 

Of course when the doc told me this delightful news, mum started crying buckets. But I can’t blame her, I think it’s harder on her than it is me. In a few years she is going to lose her only child. She wont have someone to run around after, or ground, or do all that mother stuff to. At least she’s got my Dad. He dealt with it a little better than mum did, like always, worrying about holding it together for all of us. Its weird how much one thing can change your life. How cancer can not only affect you, but the people around you aswell.

 

Like, my mother never used to cry, like ever. I used to think she was some sort of robot when I was little, and that if she cried she would short circuit. I mean she didn’t even cry at Titanic. I mean come on?! Titanic! How can you watch that adorable little face sink down in that water with out crying! I just about flooded the place. And Rose (selfish cow) totally could have moved her fat arse over, so jack could squeeze on. Such a waste of a pretty face. (Hey that rhymes!)

 

And me, I used to sit around watching telly because I wanted to, not because it was the only thing I had enough energy for. My Dad always used to walk in and say:

“Allina what are you still doing on the sofa, what about your homework?”

And i used to reply “But Dad i’m testing the theory that if you watch enough tv your eyes go square!”

“Alli...” He would sigh, shaking his head.

“What? Are you admitting that you lied to me all those years? What a cruel thing to do!” Then we would laugh and joke about all the things you tell your kids to get them to do what you want. Like ‘eat your carrots they make you see in the dark’ (which is technically true), and ‘don’t pull that face, if the wind changes you’ll be stuck like that.’ And stuff like that. 

I also used to have a social life. That quickly vanished when I had to keep going back and fourth from the doctors, and became to tired to get out of bed.

 

 

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