According to Irma

Irma is like any other teenager. She has no special power, she does not battle evil on a day to day basis, get sucked into time vortexes or fall in love with erratic vampires. Instead, she fights with her four other siblings, battles with her science teacher, rages an anti-starbucks reveloution with the help of her best friend and more than anything, shows the pains and gains of growing up.

Please like and comment if you want. I am entering this into the Diary competition and would like feedback and criticism. Check out my other work if you have time!

Update: It got me 1st place in the diary compeition, which I'm quite chuffed about but thanks to everyone who commented and everyone else in the compeition :D


3. Sunday, Februrary 16th

Saturday, Februrary 16th

I dreamt of tap-dancing pretzels and a mansion made out of barlotti beans. I remember something about a cat with a 5ft tounge and opposable thumbs. I shudder to think.

Stevie woke us up at 5:30 am, which is so obviously a perfect time for the entire family to wake up too and so obviously the perfect time for them all to pile into our bedroom. If nothing else, I wish my family would have mercy on my nerves. They're yet to go through many an ordeal during my existence on this planet.

Susan managed to look mildy interested whilst we moaned "Happy Birthday" in half-hearted unity. Susan's presents were good. They're always better than mine. She got a camera. Mum and Dad didn't even let me have a tamagotchi until I was 10. We let Heidi out of her cage because it would be so heart warming and charming if we grinned and chuckled with each other as we snuggled our beautiful fluffy rabbit. But then Heidi displayed her enthusiasm by excreeting on the bed-spred. Oh well.

We had no milk at breakfast. Mum looked at me suspiciously. Because I once emptied a carton of full fat milk into a Sainsbury's carrier bag to use the carton as a piggy bank. Yeah.

Mum almost choked on her waffles when Dad told us all that Uncle Jonty was coming over for drinks later this evening. Abner and Hal's eyes glistened. Myslelf and Susan moaned. Stevie farted. Uncle Jonty truly was a controversial character.

Something you should know about "Unlce Jonty". He is not actually our Uncle. He is Dad's boozing buddy. But that's all he does. Booze. And sleep our sofa when he's drunk. No one knows where he lives. He says that he has a special lady-friend. Yeah, she's non-existant. However, he is God to Abner. Mum almost died when she found this out, though. No self respecting son of her's will turn out like Jonty. Mum doesn't have any self-respecting sons, anyway.

We decided that we were going to go to the Safari park for Susan's birthday. Mum was slightly apprehensive. Last time, Susan got into an argument with the head keeper because of what she called the mal-treatment of the Kune-Kune Pigs. We wouldn't want another spectacle like that again, would we?

Anyway, it didn't matter because Dad got lost after 20 minutes and we had to stop at a service station where there was a drunk guy in Costa who was trying to chat-up a chair. Abner started to laugh at him and the guy started to swear at us. Starbucks it is, then.

Once we arrived, things went alright. Stevie kept on running off. So did Abner. And, in the usual fashion of a 15 year old boy, he decided to agrivate the Penguins. Hal was annoyingly... well behaved. I think that was because his PSP was in the custody of Dad. Hmm. Susan was Susan. She conversed with keepers and practically organised her work-experience course whilst she was there.

Jonty was waiting for us when we got home. So. He has a house key now. Winston was curled up lovingly beside him. Winston has some sort of mental attraction to Jonty's repugnance. He enjoys knawing his ear and licking his toenails. Winston, not Jonty.  Mum acknowledged Jonty's putrid existence and then announced that she was "Taking the children out for dinner. The classy one, next to the Natwest up the road. Yes, Jonty, classy. No, you wouldn't understand. Susan's birthday, yes. Mmm, 16. No, Jonty, Susan is a girl. Yes, yes, you take care. Ok. Yes. Ok. Yes. Ok. Look, we really mus-... Ok, yes, Ok. Bye." We left Dad, Jonty and Winston to it. I do not wish to be enlightened as to what "it" might be.

As I was de-greasing my Oboe reed before bed, I asked Susan how her day was.

She replied: "All's right with the world."

There's always tomorrow, I suppose.


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