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It's the 90's and everything from Tamagotchis and Pokemon cards is in, Jules and Nathanial meet when they're just 15 but something has drawn them to each other for a while, Nathanial is an old soul longing to capture the vibrance of youth and excitement that emanates from his peers, but his parents have bred in him a cautious nature and he never quite knows what to say or how to act, he is never, ever spontaneous. Jules is quiet and reserved in school, intimidated by the academics and with no urge to change herself or how she looks to impress the other girls, she's always gotten on with boys anyway, they're simpler, or were, before testosterone fuelled displays of masculinity started cropping up. In the UK, 15 is the age you start testing your boundaries, how far you can go without getting into big trouble, how much you want from life, whether your parents are overprotective or looking out for your best interests - whether true love and soulmates are just a fallacy.

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5. Nathaniel III

The sound of the phone ringing blares out into the hall and I studiously avoid acknowledging it. Katherine calling again to update us all on her wonderful life in Leeds, her wonderful job, her wonderful fiance and how everyone's clamoring for her attention. I'm not sure I wholly believe this story, I certainly have never met the fiance, maybe it is just to stop Mum from worrying - right now that much exuberance. It jars with my personal preference for pessimism.

 

Mum picks up and slaps me with an exaggerated sigh in acknowledgement of my reluctance to speak to my own sister, the darling child. The planned one. I'm the "accidental joy" that came 10 years later, except I think the joy recedes day by day. 

 

My sister once told me I was the most dispassionate person she'd ever met. Impassive, controlled, assessing. I guess that's what I need in my life, that verve that so many other has. And then maybe what starts of as an act will become reality. Is changing myself okay if it means I'm happier? Or maybe someone will come along and make me want to change, or make me fully content without any falseness at all.  Shame I'm so much more a Darcy than a Bingley, shame some of that "amiable" nature won't rub off on me. 

 

I feel like a young sapling reaching towards the light, desperately twisting and turning to be able to photosynthesise most effectively. Except that while light is almost just as immediately necessary for nature's fauna, what I'm really striving for is truth, knowledge. It's so cliche, a teenage boy struggling to find himself, who he is and what he wants. Juliet..

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