Just the thoughts of someone and the drama of real life, or at least what i think is real life. Just the rubbish people think from time to time. Very much written as it came to me. Kevin has got a girl pregnant. maybe ill do one from the girls perspective. Who knows.


3. Want

As it stands it safe to say i am confused. Lillie's funeral is coming up. What i have felt is mixtures of anger and fear. That nightmare i had – it must have been a nightmare – with the demonic figure telling me all of this crap. This nightmare had elements of reality. She had been murdered. And it felt like people thought it was me.

It's a difficult place to be in. This entire thing i have been involved in has been difficult. Amongst my friends my best have stuck by me. But most have drifted away, either because of my displays of emotion, and my apparent guilt.

Am i glad she's dead? No. God no. But am i sad? I doubt it. But at the same time the fact she is dead angers me. It feels like it wasn't over, like when you finish watching a movie and it feels like its missing a scene. Someone watching this skipped to the end too quick. Now i have an emptiness i cannot begin to describe.

I lie here and stare at the ceiling, following the cracks and flaking paint with my eyes. My parents haven't mentioned anything. I keep waiting for the talk. When they sit me down and ask me about it, trying to gauge if i am a murderer. I keep expecting to wake up surrounded by police.

I want to figure out who did it. And if she was pregnant. I never found out. I just assumed she pretended to have an abortion as some kind of pathetic attempt to hurt me. But was she? Has a child been lost as well as her? I went to eh place where they found her body. I didn't linger. People would see my and put two and two together – or at least try – and assume.

The fondness of how i could remember her scares me. She had a nice smile. She had nice eyes. She was beautiful. But at the same time repulsive. Unless you're running on testosterone she has an unpleasant air about her. I want to remember her well because i want to remember good things, and i want to remember love. As much as i blank it out, i still feel deep inside i need something more fulfilling than the life of comic books and bad TV, there are only so many poems i can write before they start turning to my lack of human companionship to a level that deeply completes me.

I want to feel utterly complemented by someone's presence in my life. Someone who can understand me, even if im not as complicated as i think it am.

I couldn't get that from Lilly. And she couldn't get that from me. I guess we were just making do with a bad situation. When we held each other we imagined each other as different people. That none of what we tried to do for each other worked. A kiss was nothing more than lips touching. None of that soul caressing occurred.

When i walk past that casket i can't imagine what i will feel.

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