Robot woman

Two friends sit in the car in a traffic jam and talk about nothing to pass the time. My attempt at trying to perfect the art of conversation you see in Quentin Tarrentino films and Kevin smith films.


1. Robot Woman

Earl eats a bag of chips and looks out the rear view mirror at the mile long traffic jam. Jerome slaps his hands to the beat of the radio. The sun isn’t exactly shinning which is both annoying because they said and if quote ‘sunshine and mild cloudiness’ goddamn weathermen.

“This traffic jam. My god.” Earl exclaimed. “I’m going to be late for a job that I don’t like on a day that I previously booked as a holiday.”

Jerome picked a crisp out from between his teeth. “I don’t know why you hate your job so much. I mean, I love working at that place. I sit around all day and ignore the idiot losers who shop there.”

“Yeah. And then I have to do all of your god damn work.” Earl chuckled lightly.

“Hey.” Earl put up his hands. “It is not my fault that you work too much. It is your own fault that you have some kind of over developed need for attention.”

“I don’t have a need for attention.” Jerome replied lighting a cigarette.

“Yes you do.” He turned facing Jerome. “Jerry, you wake up, and you do everything to please. You let your girl friend walk over you. You let the boss walk all over you. And you let me walk all over you all of the time.” He reclined his seat. Trying over and over to get it right. He shook the car trying to get comfortable.

“Will you stop that.”

“I’m trying to get comfortable”

After another three minutes more of that Earl was finally comfortable. And Jerome was slightly more carsick than usual. It was like a micro earth quake.

“I do not let you, or anyone else for that matter, walk all over me.”

“Yes you do.” Earl said sitting back. They stayed silent for a few minutes listening to the radio. Jerome’s favourite song came on. Earl quickly turned back. “Hey turn this off and put the news on I have a headache.”

Jerome did so without questioning him. The old car radio was so fuzzy he figured it wasn’t even worth listening to.

“See.” Earl said making a walking gesture with his fingers. “I just walked all over your sorry ass.” HE smiled cheekily.

“No I was being considerate.” Jerome sometimes hates Earl. But the morning commute has been like this for years. Since collage. Even when Earl dropped out Jerome gave him a ride in the morning to were ever the hell he went.

“I disagree.” He sat forward and threw his chips in the back seat. He adjusted his baseball cap and got himself ready for his favourite time of the morning. The argument.

“On what grounds?” Jerome asked. “I turned it off because you don’t like the song.”

“No.” Earl was beaming. “You did it because you are a pathological pleasure. You please me. You please women. Well you try to.”

“Very funny.” He sneered in response, rolling his eyes. The traffic moved forward a few inches. A horn blew and reminded Jerome he was driving. He gestured at the guy behind him to close his mouth and then waited for Earl to continue.

“Basically you were put on this earth to attempt to please. You my friend, are a robot.”

“I’m a robot?” Jerome sighed. “Yes. Like C3PO.” He began to do the robot. Making beep and boop noises. Jerome tried to stop him from doing it but instead he replied. “Does not compute. Incompatible hardware.” Jerome slapped at him a few times then Earl calmed down.

“I’m not a robot.”

“You are. You live to serve. Your girl friend tell you to get her tampons, you do it. Come on tampons. That is the least manly request”

“Because she asked me to. I’m a good boyfriend.”

“No. You are a robot who wants to know what love is.”

“Shut up and pass the chips.”

Jerome does this.

“See your the robot. See, you just did as I asked you to.”

“No. You see I am your companion. Like I’m Chewbacca. In empire he has C3PO on his back and carries him around and shit. I’m just doing a favour for my creepy gold plated friend.” He passed him the chips and clapped him on the shoulder.

“Its really depressing that you characterise yourself as a minor character in the film series. You could be any of the Jedi but instead you choose Chewy. A Wookiee for god sake.” He reaches for the a chip. “These are just all crumbs.” He throws them out the window in annoyance.

“I refute your last statement. Chewy is a major character.” He turned his baseball cap backwards and put a tuft of hair through it.

“He doesn’t even get a medal. He just stands there while Luke and Han get recognition. That is proof.”

“He had the last line of the film.”

“Grrrraaaa is not a line. It’s just a dumb ass noise made by a minor character.” He tapped ash out of the window and then blew some smoke into Jerome’s face.

“It is god damn it. And need I remind you it is unwise to upset a Wookiee.”

“What about me? I’m upset about being a god damn droid. No one cares when you upset a droid.”

Earl began to laugh and got really excited. He tapped Jerome on the shoulder and turned him around and looked him straight in the eyes. “That's 'cause droids don't pull people's arms out of their sockets when they lose. Wookiees are known to do that.”

“Don’t quote star wars at me.” Jerome frowned turning back to the traffic. He put a light touch on the accelerator and they moved forward a few more feet before being stopped by the ass end of a hummer. “Someone is over compensating.” Jerome said nodding at the hummer.

“yeah I never got that. Why buy a hummer. It’s like broadcasting hey I have a small dick”

“So are baseball caps.”

Earl flipped him off wordlessly and sat back. He bobbed his head to imaginary music for a bit. You could almost see the little hamster on a wheel in his head stop spinning. He was getting really bored. Finally he turned and looked to Jerome. He went to say something but stopped, put up his index finger and turned back to the window. He did this again maybe three times before Jerome couldn’t take it anymore.

He turned and yelled at Earl. “What do you keep going to say? Goddamn just say it you douche.”

Earl put his hands up. He leaned as far as he could back into his seat. “Well. I was going to say it that time. But you just really put a downer on all of this.”

Jerome sighed and rubbed his temples. Finally he looked up. “I’m sorry” He said it through gritted teeth. “Just say what you were going to say.” He put a hand through his dark brown hair and waited for the inevitable bull crap that would fall from Earls mouth.

“Well. I’m just thinking. You need a Robotic woman companion.”

Jerome groaned. It wasn’t that this was a particularly offensive thing. Earls’ opinions on the deaths of celebrities, and genocide and famine were far worse. But this was stupid. Jerome new it would be stupid. But also make sense in a twisted kind of way.

“So what would you do if some company that made them. Say ten years from now. A company that designs Robot women makes the perfect one for you. Your browsing the store and you see it. Do you but it?”

“No. It’s a robot.”

“So are you.” Jerome glared at him. “Anyway, this is someone who completes you. She knows all the deals of you. It’s like preloaded in. And she is literally the best person ever.”

“Ok, I might buy one.”

“But. The store clerk has his own conditions. He will give you your perfect person. But you have be his bitch for twenty four hours.”

“Oh come on that’s disgusting.”

“So now you’re a homophobe.”

“No, I just don’t want to be someone’s bitch.”

“No even for your perfect woman?”

Jerome sighed angrily and gripped the steering wheel so tight his knuckles turned white. “Ok. Fine ok so I go down and he makes me his bitch and I get my ideal woman.”

“Ok but something goes wrong. Your all tied up and he slips and cuts off an arm.” He made a slicing sound.

“What? Come on that’s stupid.”

“Hey it’s your fault for not coming up with a safe word.”

“Christ all mighty.”

“Yeah that would have been a good one.”

The car behind touches bumpers with them. Earl opened his window and hurled a few insults at the driver before the car began to go forward a few more inches. Earl then turns back to Jerome.

“So he cuts off your arm. Do you still go through with it?”

“Yeah I guess so. If this woman is the person who will complete me. I guess being violated by a store clerk and having my arm cut off.”

“Really?” Earl asked.

“Yes, really.” Jerome sighed.

Earl sat back and put his feet up on the dash. “You pervert.”

“What.” Jerome replied in shock.

“You have the girl of your dreams and the first time she sees you your covered in blood and semen coming out of a basement. My god what kind of creepy guy are you.”

Jerome grit his teeth and let it go. It was just another morning. They would go to the video store and sit there watching Disney films looking for subliminal genitals and eating burgers from down the street.  

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