Last To Know

Married-for 6-years 'girls' life falls-apart when attacked by husband with a secret past-&-present.


25. Double-Wedding

Karen & Kylie announced to each other they had received marriage-proposals & asked for second-opinions before making their respective-decisions.  Karen first met her boyfriend Peter at her dads coffee-shop & were going-steady since graduating college.  Kylie first met boyfriend David way-back in elementary-school.


The ‘girls‘ were confident from their respective girlfriends the ‘boys‘ were not playing-the-field or using hookers, though for safety decided all should submit to the local-clinic for STI-checks...

Supporting each other the ‘girls‘ made clear to the ‘boys‘ STI-checks were mandatory on the grounds they wanted kids should they get married...  Shocked at directness, Peter & David readily agreed both as they were in love & understood the concern of their respective-partners...


Not sexually-active Karen & Kylie knew their negative-results before they submitted to procedure though were greatly-relieved when the ‘boys‘ too came-back clear.

Karen & Kylie resolved to confide in [their] moms Sharon & Helen before accepting marriage-proposals with the STI-results.  They had been dating for years, aware of many of their boyfriends ‘shortcomings‘; like most blokes they were slobs, a simple-test was agreed in their respective-homes.  Preparing a simple cooked-breakfast & cleaning-up after themselves that evening would show how serious they were & how-ready to be live-in partners [if & when they lived together].


Sharon & Helen chatted over the kitchen-table for over-an-hour; both Peter & David ‘failed‘ their respective-tests, primarily cleanliness.  Typical agreed Sharon & Helen, Stephen & John triumphed when they wiped-down the worktops & placed breakfast-bowls & cutlery in the dishwasher...

Resigned to living at home after they were married Karen & Kylie were in no-rush to move-out, renting was expensive & until they earned serious-royalties from their music there seemed little-point.

The ‘girls‘ were intent on the perfect double-wedding so they insisted on vetting speeches created before the big-day & most-definitely the jokes they would allocate over the coming months.


Stephen got the ball-rolling with clean golf & horse-racing;

Sitting upon a cloud one fine Fall [Autumn] morning Saint Peter turns to God and says ‘Look at that, Father Murray is playing golf.  Strike him down dead with a bolt of lightening for breaking the Sabbath’.  As our enthusiast swung his club God raised his hand.  The ball flew into the air landing cleanly on the green and rolled into the hole 275 yards away.  In amazement Saint Peter asked ‘Did you see that?’ to which God replied ‘Yes, but who is he going to tell?

Patrolling the paddock of an internationally renowned racecourse a steward observed an owner acting suspiciously.  As he approached it was clear the horse was being fed before the race and the owner and jockey were deep in conversation.

“What are you doing” asked the steward, “Just whispering words or encouragement and treating my horse to a sugar cube, try one”, came the reply as the owner ate a cube.  Satisfied all was well the steward ate one of the cubes then left to continue his rounds.

With the steward disappearing into the distance the owner gave his final instructions to the jockey “Hold her back until the final straight then let her go, don’t worry if anything passes, it will only be me or the steward”.


Karen kissed Stephen on the forehead ‘Definitely keepers, me next‘;

Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.


The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper young prince that I am, and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and feel forever grateful doing so.

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautéed frogs legs seasoned in a wine and onion cream sauce she chuckled to herself and thought: I don't think so.


Sharon quipped ‘Karen, is that suitable‘.  Karen replied ‘Kylie is giggling, its a keeper too‘.

Kylie innocently smiled ‘I will top-that‘;


Opening the post a couple were pleased to receive a letter from their teenage daughter:

Sorry I have not been in touch for a while but I did not want to worry you or cause an unnecessary car journey.  The doctor has told me my concussion and blurred vision will clear in the next few weeks and the scar will barely show once it heals and I can apply makeup.

My former slumlord hit on me and started his jail-term last week.  The blood test came back negative and the rash will clear with my course of antibiotics.

I have moved-in with a really nice bloke, he likes the same music as my dad and is not that many years older.  I start my second trimester next week and will be going for a scan, we are hoping for a girl.  We may have to move to Columbia as somebody wrote the police about my boyfriends business and it will be safer in his mansion with the armed security guards.

Must say, I do not have concussion or scarring or blurred vision or a rash.  I was not attacked, am still in a flat share with Aimey [no blokes], definitely NOT PREGNANT and not moving to Columbia or anywhere else.

I am re-sitting my exams over the Summer break and would ask you transfer UK£1,000 to my credit card plus a further UK£100 to my mobile [cellular] phone.

John interrupted ‘I still have that letter‘;

Summoned by the headmaster of a rather prestigious, with fees to match, co-ed high school the parents and their 17 year-old son drove through the gates, passing leafy grounds until they parked in the appointed zone.

Shown through to the outer office by the school secretary our trio waited in trepidation unaware of the seriousness of the charge.

Following the usual formalities the headmaster sat upright in his leather chair and warned that their son would be expelled if there were a further recurrence of urinating in the school swimming pool.  Aghast, the father retorted that the threat against their son in his final year was unreasonable, protesting many children for years had relieved themselves whilst swimming, indeed the French had taken to adding chemicals to the chlorine solution to identify the culprits.

Leaning forward and looking stern the headmaster exploded ‘Yes, but not from the high diving board’.


Helen was unimpressed ‘For the stag-party maybe‘;

Persuaded to consult his physician prior to the forthcoming marriage to his 20-year-old sweetheart our 64-year-old hero laid out the agenda for their round-the-world honeymoon.  From grape crushing in France, skiing in Switzerland, trekking across Egypt, backpacking across Australia, sea-fishing off San Francisco and shopping in New York they would return with a new baby on the way.  Amazed the physician advised such a trip could be fatal.  After a little thought our hero conceded he would be sorry if his bride did not make it back but they were very much in love.

Peter rubbed his hands ‘My turn‘;


Sitting in a pub 3 ‘scallies’ bet another £10 each they could travel anywhere in the UK by rail and only pay for one ticket.  “Easy money” thought the other 3, so off they went to Liverpool Lime Street.  The scallies bought one day-return to London, the challengers bought 3 and all six boarded the train.

Almost immediately, the scallies piled into the first clean toilet they could find, locked the door behind them and waited for the ticket inspector.  An hour into the journey the inspector duly knocked on the door “tickets please”.  One of the scallies made groaning noises, opened the door slightly and handed the ticket to the inspector.  Duly stamped, the scally took his ticket back and locked the door.

As the scallies collected their winnings in London the challengers asked for a re-match the following weekend. Having met in the same pub the challengers claimed they could travel to Edinburgh for free, no tickets required.  “No way” extorted the scallies, so off they went to Lime Street.  The scallies bought one ticket and piled into the first clean toilet.  Not long out of the station one of the challengers knocked on the scallies door “tickets please”.

To applause, a nervous David stood, as though in rehearsal;

Passing his son’s bedroom this bloke overheard his son praying: God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma, goodbye granddad. Thinking nothing of it he found his wife upset when he came home from work the next day.  His father-in-law had died while gardening and the body was in the morgue.

A week later he overheard his son praying: God bless mommy, God bless daddy, goodbye grandma. Thinking nothing of it he found his wife distraught when he came home from work the next day.  His mother-in-law had died while shopping and the body was in the morgue.

The next day he overheard his son praying: God bless mommy, goodbye daddy. Shaking and nervous he took the bus to work the next day, had nothing to eat and returned home a total wreck. What a day I’ve had he stuttered to his wife.  What about me she replied, I opened the door this morning and found the milkman dead on the doorstep.


This bloke walks into Toys ‘R Us to buy a Barbie for his daughter where he is confronted by the range and an assortment of prices.

Single Barbie was young and fresh, wore a short skirt, skimpy top with white stilettos and cost UK£22. Married Barbie was okay, wore a knee length skirt, blouse and cardigan with flat shoes and cost UK£20. Divorced Barbie was gorgeous, wore a designer skirt and top, designer shoes and cost £540.

Why so expensive, he asked the assistant.  She replied: Divorced Barbie comes with Kens car, house…

Amidst the laughter Kylie spoke ‘Another two for the stag & maybe hen nights’.

As the weeks rolled-by the ‘boys‘ felt more-&-more ‘excluded‘; weddings were more a ‘girl‘ thing & to be honest they did not care about the pattern on the crockery & cutlery-shape.  For the sit-down meal lamb was their preferred meat though there would be a vegetarian-option at the hotel.  The evening buffet would be simple with mostly non-alcoholic drinks ensuring their guests could drive-home without the concern of being above the drink-drive limit.


Katie & Kelly were excited being chief flower-girls; wedding falling on the eve of a bank-holiday meant no school so they could stay-up late.  A one-eighth glass of Champaign to celebrate would be nice, soft-drinks & fruit-juice for the rest. 

Hotel & registry-office booked, dresses & morning-suits hired the ‘girls‘ were calmed-down by moms Sharon & Helen.  Following a good nights sleep, breakfast & shower the brides-to-be were on their mobiles to bridesmaids Betty & Melanie ensuring everything was okay & no hitches.

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