Scars

He woke up
Not knowing where he is. He will search this blinding light-
And he will find her again.

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2. The meeting

Sinking down into misery he suddenly saw something from the corner of his eye. A shadowy figure, a person!? Here? How!? Stopping in his tracks and staring at the shadow becoming more and more clear. His pale blue eyes were locked at the figure forming in front of him. She was becoming clearer, soon she would be standing there, every detail of her, in his line of view. He was dumbfounded, lost for word, confused, angered, and sad. Every possible feeling rushed through him, as he recognized her. She stopped 20 feet from him, and a smile was formed from her lips. She looked like nothing had happened. His eyes widened as he studied her. Nothing had changed. He had an urge to run at her, brushing his finger against her smooth skin, staring into the big dark brown eyes that surrounded by the deep black eyeliner, only making them even bigger. He would look right into them, into the thing that made him fall for her 4 years ago, when everything was happy. 

 When he met her, his life changed, and he would tell her that- that she changed everything for him, and between each kiss he would give her, he would tell her, how much he missed her, and how much he loved her. He would brush his fingers through her long, blond hair, and in the end he would play with one of her extensions, knowing that she would tell him to stop it, while she would laugh. He would continue to brush her back, brushing over the tattoo, and in the end hold her hand. But how would he be able to? Behind his happiness to see her again, angst and rage was trying to take control. She destroyed him, made him cold and thoughtless. Made him mad. He wanted to yell at her now. Yell at her, ask her why she did it, why she left him like that? They were happy together! Nothing could break their relationship. And in the end, her schizophrenic mind did. He opened his mouth, just to say her name once again, but before the word escaped his lips, she made him stop. Quietly she moved her finger up in front of her lips, showing him to be silent. Her eyes looked at him lovingly, as she moved forward against him. He was nailed to the spot. He couldn’t move a muscle. He was turned into a stone; the same thing as he’d felt like for 3 years. Numb… I missed you! I love you! I don’t want to lose you again! He yelled in his head. He wanted to touch her, to feel her, but she made him wait. Why do I have to be silent? Why won’t you let me say anything to you? Why can’t I run to you?  Her moving at him slowly didn’t help on his anxiety. He wanted to move, wanted to talk, wanted to kiss her, like he’d done so many times before, He wanted to taste the sweet flavor of her lips, and to smell the wonderful scent of her hair. The smell of her was the one scent that could make him dizzy and confused and at the same time immensely happy. He wanted to hold her in his arms, where she belonged. But he was afraid to touch her. He was scared about the fact that if he as much as stroke her arm with nothing but a fingertip, she might dissolve in front of him, turning back into air, back into nothingness as she’d been for so long. He knew she wasn’t real. This whole scenario couldn’t be real, could it? He was having a harder and harder time convincing himself about that one fact, that this couldn’t be possible. What if it all was just one long nightmare and he would soon wake up, with her being right next to him with her head lying firmly at the space between his shoulder and his neck? Yes, that was, was what going to happen. That exact scenario! Nothing else was real. Everything else, the eternal nightmare, the pain, was something he’d come up with. His mind must have played the worst prank on him.

NO!

That wasn’t what was going to happen! She wasn’t going to be there at all! His mind didn’t play a trick him! No… She was dead… She wasn’t coming back… Never… She now stood right in front of him; her finger was still firmly placed at her lips. She looked so alive. Only a little paler and the skin beneath her eyes had a faint colour of blue, like she hadn’t slept for some time. She looked like herself, like she’d always looked. He was just about to say something, but again she hushed him, this time she slowly and carefully placed her finger at his lips, making him quiet. He closed his eyes, and tried to memorize the feeling of her touch and to control his breathing. He was fighting the need to grap her and tuck her into his arms. Seconds felt like hours and it seemed like they were standing there forever, and all the time he didn’t move a single muscle. He literally lived that one moment. That was the first time in more than three year he’d felt alive, where he had felt any positive emotion inside of him.  But deep down the insecurity was dwelling. He opened his eyes and yet again he tried to speak.

Shhh

He could faintly feel her breath against his skin. She started to feel more real for each passing second, that she slowly removed her finger and replaced it with her lips. Her scent and flavor struck him like lightning, and he began to breathe heavier. She removed her lips from his and looked right into his eyes.

Better now?

He wasn’t supposed to answer. He didn’t know what to answer. He didn’t even know what to say. He wanted to yell at her; Why the fuck did you leave me! Why the hell did you do it!. He wanted to whisper to her softly, telling her how much she meant to him and how happy he was to see her again. He wanted to describe the longing he had for her. The rage was being taken over by happiness of hearing her voice again, and there was only one thing, he said.

But… You’re dead?

She looked at him and smiled. Every question he’d had about reality would be answered. The answer would either kill him even more or bring him back to life again.  For a short period of time the loving look in her eyes became serious, but even before you’d notice it, it was gone Answer me! Every nerve of his body was screaming for the answer. She curled her arms around his neck.

Yes… Yes, I am

Then she leaned forward and kissed him again. He stayed calm, and how he did it was a mystery even to him, because on the inside he was falling apart again. Slowly turning numb… The only spark of life, he had inside him, was because of her touch and kiss. The moment she would disappear, the rest of him would do so too. She was his sanity. She kept kissing him, as if she knew that fact. Her hand kept brushing his back, playing with the collar of his jacket and brushing through his hair. Her finger walked from the back of his neck, down under the collar of the jacket, and she began to brush his back, starting from the shoulder blade and moving down. He tugged her into him. He just wanted this moment to last. He knew that he’d never see her again after this. That his life would be meaningless.

That he might as well just die.

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