Eternal Pain - The Story Of My Life

I guess this is my diary?

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8. 28-01-2012

January 28th 2012

I just realized something… I’d break my own heart for her. I’d ruin my relationship with my totally amazing boyfriend for her, and I’d do it without even blinking, if there was just a slight chance it’d help her.

 

That scares me. I don’t feel. I don’t care. That’s fact, and nothing more. Pure science says that I don’t feel a thing, and yet, I’m prepared to ruin my own happiness, for her, and not think twice about it. No regrets.

I’d like to know what is happening to me currently. ’Cause something is definitely going on, and I can’t handle any more ’’stuff’’.

Watching her break, hurts me twice as bad, as when I break down myself.

She’s my best friend, but normally, that wouldn’t mean a thing to me, apart from more numbness than pain, when she’s around.

I don’t know what’s happening?…

I like to believe in this, though:

And this girl, has seen a lot of pain.

But this girl’s gonna smile again.

She knows that a flower grows,

every time it rains.

And this girl’s got a lot of dreams.

She knows that tomorrow ain’t what it seems.

She might not solve all mysteries tonight.

But this girl’s gonna be alright.

I like it, because, maybe somehow, it’s true. It might not be, but if there’s the slightest chance that I can break free of the pain. The shields and the walls, I’d like to believe in it. I want to live as an author. I can’t see myself as anything else, and to be honest, I don’t want to see myself as anything else, ’cause then I’ll lose what makes me, me.

 

I am my writing, and having to give that up for an every-day job is not humanly possible for me.

Not a chance.

Bella Vinter

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