Eternal Pain - The Story Of My Life

I guess this is my diary?

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2. 01-10-2011

October, 1. 2011

I don’t… breathe… Not because I don’t want to. I just can’t… I don’t remember the feeling of caring… I don’t care… 

My name is Bella. I’m 14 years old. I have had a depression for two years.

I don’t fit in anywhere. I only live for dying. I have nothing left to fight for. Why am I still here?

People say that depression isn’t a sign of weakness, it’s just a sign that you have been strong for too long…

I like to believe that. But I don’t know if it’s true.

I joke about being insane, but the truth is, that I am. And everybody knows.

I don’t feel anything… No happiness, no sadness. Just darkness. And the eternal burning fire of pain. It’s always there, too.

 

Sometimes I consider running away, and start all over somewhere else. But I don’t want to. Just like I might should wish to forget everything that happened, but I don’t want to, and I can’t ever want to.

People ask if I don’t wish that she had never been a part of my life. But no. Because who would I be, if I had never known my other half? The best part of me was always her, and there is nothing that can change that.

It doesn’t take the brightest mind to see that it has broken my heart, but how would I live without that experience? Who would I be?

Would I be like the ones who did this to me? I don’t think so, but it’s not impossible. That won't happen now, anyway. I could never become what they became, I could never hurt other people like that.

I won’t make the same mistakes that they did. I will not break other people the way they did. I’ve learned the hard way, to never let it get that far.

Because of them, I’ve learned to play on the safe side, so I don’t get hurt. Because of them, I find it hard to trust everyone around me. But is it really possible to live without feeling? No. My heart is beating. I am breathing. But I’m not alive.

Always remember: Depression isn’t a sign of weakness. It’s just a sign that you’ve been strong for too long…

- Bella

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