ЖенскийUnited KingdomДата вступления 31 дек 13Последний раз был(-а) на сайте 5 месяцев назад

Hi there, my name is Kate, I'm based in Lancashire and I'm going to be sharing the first in my Chimaera Chronicles series here on Movellas. I'll be posting Tuesdays and Fridays, for the most part, so I hope you enjoy it.

  • KCHawkings
    4 лет назадОтветить
    @[Ravenstag] Thank you so much!

    @[Kendell Robbins] Thank you so much! This was actually the entire story though. :(

    The Sphinx Project
    The Sphinx Project
    Not many people can say their entire existence has been one big lab experiment: poked and prodded by scientists, genetically modified to be the best and endure the worst, subjected to daily tests and trials...

  • KCHawkings
    5 лет назадОтветить
    Hiya, you posted on my Mumble asking for constructive feedback. I hope this helps:

    This is an interesting concept, but I think this beginning could benefit from a little revision. Right at the start, in the prologue, the very first line catches our attention. She's panicking, the stakes are high... and then they're not. She's not actually in any danger and it feels like a set up to draw the reader in emotionally, only for that door to slam shut.

    In chapter one I think some markers would be helpful to let the reader centre themselves in the story as the action takes place. At the moment I'm thrust into a situation without knowing it's not a real dump, or who's speaking, and not only do I have to work that out, you're giving us a lot of history at the same time. Let us get to grips with where we are *now* before you start telling us what happened before. If you really want to, you can scatter tiny hints in throughout the text that tell us about the past, without actually telling us. Maybe something along the lines of:

    The social worker's iron grip on my shoulder steered me through the door and into the dump that was the care home.
    I was back. Again.
    We paused just inside the threshold, long enough for everyone's eyes to land on us.
    "Ew, it's her." Cara's voice carried across the chequered vinyl floor. She was a short girl with long brown hair, and everyone liked her. "I thought we'd gotten rid of her."

    I hope this was helpful. Have a wonderful day!
    It’s hard moving from home to home, constantly being tortured and being the odd-one-out. I've always tried to run away, however they always find me. It's not fair any more...
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